My game needs vast improvement. Just exited marriage, tip's,advice welcome

[Killakittie]

A female who punches me in the face, is not a woman. I don't hit women, but I'm not a punching bag for a female.... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Yeah this happened to me three different times over the course of four weeks, It was the first time a women has ever hit me in the face, and according to her it was the first time she ever did something like it. She says it surprised her that she did it and she feels bad for doing it to me. She has not been physical since she went to jail the last time it happened.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Yeah this happened to me three different times over the course of four weeks, It was the first time a women has ever hit me in the face, and according to her it was the first time she ever did something like it. She says it surprised her that she did it and she feels bad for doing it to me. She has not been physical since she went to jail the last time it happened.

I need some insight..what's the probability that she can turn around and have respect for me?

WTF!!!
I am stunned you even asked that!
The answer is NONE!!!! Let me modify that. If you actually became a strong, centered man living your own life, having 100% moved on from her, because you had self respect---maybe then she would have some respect for you.

You entertaining her fantasies of reconciliation and the hoops she'd like you to jump just shows how emeshed you truly are! You showing no self respect and listening to and entertaining all her desires shows weakness and there is nothing for her to respect in that. It's a set-up for her to have her way.

She went to jail after hitting you on multiple occasions and now you are feeling flattered and considering her interest!!! Wake-Up!!!

Your idea or illusion that you have moved on is clearly denial. Your actions and thoughts clearly reflect you have not moved on, not even close. Other than emailing details about child rearing, absolute NC would serve you well. I am not sure what you are up to with your therapist but your line of questioning and thinking is not a healthy one, in my perspective. Find your balls.

 

[LiveFreeX]

I'm still working on loving myself

This is chick speak.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yeah this happened to me three different times over the course of four weeks, It was the first time a women has ever hit me in the face, and according to her it was the first time she ever did something like it. She says it surprised her that she did it and she feels bad for doing it to me. She has not been physical since she went to jail the last time it happened.

They do it because they figure they can get away with it. All you have to do is physically restrain her strongly enough so she knows she is dealing with a man, but as you see, if they hit you once they will hit you twice and it's not about the hitting, it's about the disrespect. Once that box is opened it is nearly impossible to close.

 

[Killakittie]

WTF!!!
I am stunned you even asked that!
The answer is NONE!!!! Let me modify that. If you actually became a strong, centered man living your own life, having 100% moved on from her, because you had self respect---maybe then she would have some respect for you.

You entertaining her fantasies of reconciliation and the hoops she'd like you to jump just shows how emeshed you truly are! You showing no self respect and listening to and entertaining all her desires shows weakness and there is nothing for her to respect in that. It's a set-up for her to have her way.

She went to jail after hitting you on multiple occasions and now you are feeling flattered and considering her interest!!! Wake-Up!!!

Your idea or illusion that you have moved on is clearly denial. Your actions and thoughts clearly reflect you have not moved on, not even close. Other than emailing details about child rearing, absolute NC would serve you well. I am not sure what you are up to with your therapist but your line of questioning and thinking is not a healthy one, in my perspective. Find your balls.

Listen i am the type of man who in lieu of being married wants to make sure that all avenues have been tried before i divorce. I am thinking this way because i am clearly seeing some big changes in her and it's been going on for around two months now. What i am not saying is that this change, whatever it may be, is the kind of change that is needed to rebuild or reconcile our marriage. I am simply reporting what i am observing. I am not saying i am over her or that i have moved on. I have moved on from where i was before i had her move out though and i see things very differently now. I am in a position to accept her offer at healing our marriage or walking away. I just want to make the best educated decision.

I know the standard response on here is to drop her and start spinning plates. But this is my marriage we are talking about here...this is for me ok. I need to know i did what i could and there was nothing left but divorce. If she was a gf or a plate this would be a non issue but this is my second marriage and if i divorce i am never getting married again.Also keep in mind that she isnt acting like she was the first two years i have known her. Something is different and it is not me just deluding myself. I am here asking you all for advice because if this is just a rouse then i would like to understand why and how so i might learn from your experiences without having to learn it myself the hard way.

Yes she hit me
Yes she slept with someone,but so did i.
Yes she has been disrespectful the entire relationship.

Is this large apparent change of behavior something worth investigating? If i divorce i do not want to have any doubts for my own self conscious. Has any one here had a wife turn herself around and wake up? My wife is 31 with two kids from a previous relationship. We have no kids together and we haven't lived together since last Jan.

This is chick speak.

Ok replace "love" with respect. The important thing is that i am trying to put myself first in this marriage since we've been together. She's out of my house and has been for going on five months.

They do it because they figure they can get away with it. All you have to do is physically restrain her strongly enough so she knows she is dealing with a man, but as you see, if they hit you once they will hit you twice and it's not about the hitting, it's about the disrespect. Once that box is opened it is nearly impossible to close.

Yeah after the third time she hit me i called the cops, had her arrested, and then had her move out the next day. That was late January.

In Cali if you touch a women period you will go to jail. Hell if a women calls the police and claims domestic violence you will go to jail %100 no questions asked. The night the police showed up after she had hit me the cop told me he was going to haul me to jail until she openly admitted to to striking me in the face. That is the only reason she went instead of me.

I dodged a bullet and quickly moved her out the next day. It sucks that because we are male that we can not even defend ourselves against attack from any female.

 

[LiveYourDream]

She's been disrespectful the entire relationship (not to mention went to jail for hitting you and cheated--that apparently doesn't count to you because you cheated too, so you can't help but consider that....

Suddenly she's acting different. For two whole months! Wow! She's clearly changed some She's on a new path. Maybe she's only going to get better from here. MAYBE she is going to become the person I always hoped she would be. Maybe we can finally have the marriage I'd always hoped we could have. Maybe if I forget everything that happened before and focus on this new woman she is being and become the man I have always wanted to be, we can have the marriage and happily ever after we dreamed of.

What do you think, is it possible? I'll do whatever I have to to make it work, because it's a marriage. In marriage you take abuse and forgive it, because it's a marriage. How many times? Really?

Smoked some hopium (delusion of hope) ? It sure sounds like it.

Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse? Honeymoon phase feels good. It's not where the relationship tends to stay. It's temporary.

I am not an automatic nexter like many here. I say this in full consideration of this means divorce.

If I came to your area and picked out 100 other possible women for you to be in an LTR with, other than it allows you to avoid that thing called divorce, what makes this woman so superior to choose her over the other 100? Who is she and what value does she bring to your life, that makes her top notch above the others? What characteristics and red flags does she have, including those that you are pretending don't exist? How do those red flags stack up against the 100 other women?

Bigger than all of that, is you. You are being responsive to her requests and her chasing you. You are not healed, solid, confident, unwavering, saying she is the best woman for me and my life, I should reconsider.

No you are smoking hopium. You are hoping for a happily ever after to bypass the deep work of really facing yourself and the truth of your relationship as it's been. A quick sweep of everything that has happened before, under the rug, with a fresh start, would sure be easier than facing the pain and grief and loss, of the dreams you held for the two of you.

I know I am ranting here. Please take it in stride. Take what applies and leave the rest. I truly think you being in contact with her and even thinking about getting back together is way out of line to solidly healing yourself into a MAN moving forward.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I suspect if you get back together, within a short time, you'll both revert back to who you've always been with one another and your relationship discord will be right there again, as well. I can't encourage you enough to pass. You've already done enough to walk away and divorce with your head held high, knowing you gave it your all. You did. If you forget where you've been, go read your old posts. It might refresh your memory with the clarity you need. Stay in reality. Stay off the hopium.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Listen i am the type of man who in lieu of being married wants to make sure that all avenues have been tried before i divorce. I am thinking this way because i am clearly seeing some big changes in her and it's been going on for around two months now. What i am not saying is that this change, whatever it may be, is the kind of change that is needed to rebuild or reconcile our marriage. I am simply reporting what i am observing. I am not saying i am over her or that i have moved on. I have moved on from where i was before i had her move out though and i see things very differently now. I am in a position to accept her offer at healing our marriage or walking away. I just want to make the best educated decision.

I know the standard response on here is to drop her and start spinning plates. But this is my marriage we are talking about here...this is for me ok. I need to know i did what i could and there was nothing left but divorce. If she was a gf or a plate this would be a non issue but this is my second marriage and if i divorce i am never getting married again.Also keep in mind that she isnt acting like she was the first two years i have known her. Something is different and it is not me just deluding myself. I am here asking you all for advice because if this is just a rouse then i would like to understand why and how so i might learn from your experiences without having to learn it myself the hard way.

Yes she hit me
Yes she slept with someone,but so did i.
Yes she has been disrespectful the entire relationship.

Is this large apparent change of behavior something worth investigating? If i divorce i do not want to have any doubts for my own self conscious. Has any one here had a wife turn herself around and wake up? My wife is 31 with two kids from a previous relationship. We have no kids together and we haven't lived together since last Jan.



Ok replace "love" with respect. The important thing is that i am trying to put myself first in this marriage since we've been together. She's out of my house and has been for going on five months.



Yeah after the third time she hit me i called the cops, had her arrested, and then had her move out the next day. That was late January.

In Cali if you touch a women period you will go to jail. Hell if a women calls the police and claims domestic violence you will go to jail %100 no questions asked. The night the police showed up after she had hit me the cop told me he was going to haul me to jail until she openly admitted to to striking me in the face. That is the only reason she went instead of me.

I dodged a bullet and quickly moved her out the next day. It sucks that because we are male that we can not even defend ourselves against attack from any female.

Dude, you did the RIGHT thing calling the cops. But like you said, you could've gotten hit in the face AND had to go to jail for being abused... You have so many corners of disrespect to overturn, but at least if she knows she hits you it will be painful consequences.

Now you have to enact consequences for all the other disrespects. This the thing though. Someone who likes you enough will not need massive boundaries or making sure they respect you, they will respect you and treat you right up front.