My breaking point has been reached

[TodayisTomorrow]

I've been in a 6 yr ltr with this girl. I'm 25 she's 28. We've had our history of great times followed by bad times with the good times outweighing the bad. For the sake of the relationship I would often "give" in to arguments that I deemed to be petty since I've learned it's better to save my breath trying to use logic to make sense of things.
Recently I won a poker trip to the bahamas and the plan was she was going to come with which i was very much looking foward to having an awesome vacation with her. My room is paid for as well as free meals for both of us so all that I asked her to pay was her flight. I tell her what she owes me and she writes a check for slightly lower than the amount. She says it was a joke then does the same thing again(don't ask me how she would think it's a joke but I take it as a **** test and don't like playing games so I ask her to write it for what she owes me)
This turns into an argument about me being stingy and blah blah and before I know it somehow it's my fault because I can't take a joke. I walk out because I've been disrespected and then the phone games start where I hope maybe she'll apologize but instead she's mad at me for walking out. I'm done with the nonsense. Yes it hurts ending the relationship over something so retarded as this but if you can't get along when you're about to go on an amazing vacation...the relationship is obviously doomed. Any tips from people who have gotten out of a ltr on how to embrace this change in my life? My mind is just so confused right now and I have a lot of anger and hate towards her.

 

[djzulu]

First of all you did the right thing - I am sure things were building up for you to get to this point. This was probably the final push you needed to move on.

Remember, that initially you will feel isolated and lonely since you have grown accustomed to being with this girl. This is the hardest part to get over, and therefore you must set a rule that you are not getting back together with her until you experience new women:

1. Set up a couple of new dates next week
2. Start going out and meeting new people
3. Most important of all - get to a point where you always have someone you can call and get together with (whether a friend or another date) That way every time you feel like picking up the phone and getting together with her you will always have another option.

Which brings me to my next question - has your social circle diminished since you started dating her? Do you have friends that you can go out / have fun with?

 

[Hooligan Harry]

This must be a cultural thing. I cant honestly begin to believe how you could think your behaviour would be normal or acceptable.

If I invite someone on a holiday with me, especially someone I happen to be ****ing, I would have picked up the whole tab. Hell, if it was just a buddy and I expected them to come with, I would have paid for the ticket. If they were given a choice, then fair enough. But the expectation was there because she was your GF.

If you two sat down to plan a holiday together then I can understand why she needs to pay her way. She has had a say in where you are off to and what it entails. If she is working and she is independent then she needs to pay her way. Nothing wrong with that.

The fact that you have put her in a position where she is almost obligated to go, and they asked her to cover the expenses on her own, is ****ing ridiculous. This is the same sense of entitlement women display and get hammered for. Think about it for a second. She cant say really say no can she?

Sorry pal, you will get a lot of people on this forum saying you did the right thing and that they need to pay their way and blah blah blah. Basic manners though are something you dont put a price on and what you did is offside. Not to mention the fact that its downright stingy. If you are broke, I can understand. Chances are she would not have even thought twice about paying her way if she knew you had no cash.

This forum tends to tell people to next women way to often. Ill be the first to agree that you dont stick around for all and sundry but to think that any relationship with a woman over 6 years is going to be honey and sugar alone is absurd.

This was a red flag for her, NOT YOU.

 

[vorbis]

I'd imagine it was a case of she could come along if she wanted to.
The OP doesn't mention whether she has a job. If she does then asking her to pay for her flight is normal enough imo. The room and food are being indirectly covered by her bf.

The key here for me was the underpaying on the cheque. That rings alarm bells for me. My gf has tried that bull**** occasionally and I have no time for it. I mean its just annoying to have someone pay less than they're supposed to and then ***** at you for pointing it out.

I'm not sure whether its break up material but it sounds like stuff in general has been building up.

 

[jophil28]

My room is paid for as well as free meals for both of us so all that I asked her to pay was her flight. I tell her what she owes me and she writes a check for slightly lower than the amount.

I agree with Hooligan on this one. She is your LTR of 6 years, not your FWB.
Secondly you "invited" her to come along on YOUR vacation.
So call me old school, but protocol says that you pay the freight for both of you.
I would have automatically paid for TWO tickets....

 

[TodayisTomorrow]

I'm pretty surprised to hear some of the responses but I welcome the different thoughts of opinion and will certainly take a look at the possibility of me not handling the situation the right way. As far as the trip, this is something that I've been trying to qualify for months and it was agreed upon before I qualified that if I did she would definitely want to come with me and all she would pay for is air. I play poker professionally and where I make a decent living, the last two months have been horrible. She makes great money at her job and I think it's fair that she pay for her flight though I did say If i happen to cash in the tournament, I have no problem covering the cost of her ticket. The way I look it at it is she's getting a free trip minus air which is pretty damn good. To make it clear, she definitely does not feel obligated to go, she WANTS to go.
The bigger issue is whenever we get in disagreements, she is not able to have a calm conversation and I can tell where she's reached the point of not being able to rationally talk about it. I tried to calm the situation down because I really don't care about the money. I just didn't like the fact that she was playing a game with me and then makes me feel stingy for asking for the right amount. I chose to walk out which is what she's most mad about now but i've stood my ground saying I will walk out out on the future if she behaves that way. I mean how difficult is to say, you owe me this amount, write the check, and be on our way to bahamas with no problems? I think it's foolish to break up over this but I'm tired of being the one that always has to apologize for sh#t that's not my fault.

 

[slaog]

I agree about there being a big deal made about the money.


Also I think she might have been joking to get a rise out of you with the cheques. She certainly got that. You over reacted a bit.


We don't know enough about her to judge her. It was just one incident.


Being angry and hating her will solve nothing either. You both might just be different people. Sit down and figure out if you want to continue the relationship.

 

[mikeraw]

I agree about the cultural thing. You should've at least offered to pay half her ticket cost. It's kind of like when I'm planning to pay for dinner on a date no matter what, I still like to see the girl OFFER to pay.

 

[NewMan]

I can't imagine that this is all about money. There's no way the OP has been with this girl for 6 yrs, without money situations coming up previously. So, either this is a one off situation re:money - or this is a continuation of a regular pattern.

If it's a regular pattern, then you should not have stayed with her for 6 yrs.

if it's a one off, then this is a symptom of other issues in the relationship.


By the way,

I tell her what she owes me and she writes a check for slightly lower than the amount

How much are we talking here?

and maybe she did mean it as a joke.....

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

(From the OP)For the sake of the relationship I would often "give" in to arguments that I deemed to be petty since I've learned it's better to save my breath trying to use logic to make sense of things.

Bam...there is root of the problem right there. You shouldn't compromise your beliefs for the "sake of the relationship." EVER. It's wussy behavior. It is the type of thing that can happen over time in a LTR that I see over and over again, that lands millions of men, many of my friends included, in divorce court. Very common to fall into this trap.

If you want to salvage the relationship, be the man, call the shots. As far as the money goes, it should be "even" in an unspoken sense. If she has bought the last ten times you've gone out to dinner, pay for the ticket. If you constantly foot the bill for her, tell her to pony up for the ride.

 

[Mr. Me]

You're in a LTR, your room is free, your meals are free, and you tell your woman, the person you supposedly love and want to be with forever, hey you can come along but only if you pay for your own flight. This turns into an argument about you being stingy, and what I don't get is: there's no argument about it.

Next relationship you have don't be surprised if she eventually thinks you're being stingy too.

What to do is to review this "history of great times followed by bad times" and figure out what's needed to not have the bad times.

For the sake of the relationship I would often "give" in to arguments that I deemed to be petty

That's called "picking your battles wisely". Nothing wrong with that.

I hope maybe she'll apologize but instead she's mad at me for walking out... My mind is just so confused right now

Your mind is confused because you're not in alignment with reality. It's like John Kennedy Jr. flying a plane at night thinking he's ascending when in reality he's about to crash into the ocean.

Of course she's mad that you walked out. You walked out because she refuses to pay for a flight. Seems a bit overboard to me, unless the relationship was pretty bad anyway and you wanted out and this was your ticket out (no pun intended).

You know, you could spring for treating your woman, and then see if she chips in during the trip or otherwise treats you to some stuff in return. Does she ever treat you to stuff or share things with you, or is she stingy?

 

[Knight's Cross]

Today/Tomorrow I'm going with the idea that this was a $hit test. She didnt want to pay. She tried bluffing to get you to cover the flight with a petty, you're being to stingy attack. Look if the girl makes good coin there's no reason on earth that she could'nt cover the flight cost. That was already agreed upon before the trip. Her writing a check lower than the amount was her little protest to having to play by the "already agreed on groundrules".
Nope that combined with you giving in on arguments tells me this little bird was going to keep going for broke.
A woman that truly respects you sticks to the agreements that you set with her. She also, gives in on arguments when after a short break she sees that you won't capitulate on stuff that you hold dear.
Contrary to most I feel that you did the right thing. Now keep busy. You will feel emptiness, and are weak to her possible feigned boo-hooing if you don't get back on the horse known as dating.

KC

 

[TodayisTomorrow]

She said it was a joke about the check thing. I thought it was stupid and was just like can you just write me the check for your share. The logical thing if it was really a stupid joke by her would be to write a new check so I think she really did think I should pay for a part of her ticket. We both make enough money where money shouldn't really be an issue. We take turns with dinner and basically share a lot of our money without thinking about it.

She also doesn't like being told what to do...I'm a women hear me roar type of thing. I was willing to let it go but then it got personal and I felt disrespected. I did walk away angry instead of letting her know why I felt disrespected and that I'll talk to her once she's calmed down. I've heard myself say too often, if she does something like this again I'm done only to have it happen 2 months later. She has great qualities but it seems to me she just likes having drama in her life and the relationship has felt a lot more like work instead of us mutually benefiting from one another. I should have addressed this problem a lot earlier in our relationship but I was young, in love, and figured all women were emotional basketcases. I would really like to work things out but I don't know if it's healthy for us to be with each other because of this vicious cycle.

 

[TodayisTomorrow]

A woman that truly respects you sticks to the agreements that you set with her. She also, gives in on arguments when after a short break she sees that you won't capitulate on stuff that you hold dear.

KC

This is exactly what it's about. I could care less about the actual money. I can't tell you how nice it would have been if she had given in and said I want us to have a great time in bahamas. I made a stupid joke...here's the check. Boom problem solved.

 

[Sinistar]

Typical - she sh!t tests you, you back down and now she will spin it against you to use it to her advantage later (break up with you, get you to supplicate more and more often, etc). That's her right because she's a woman and that is the game they play. Expecting her to just instantly act like a guy and respect you is mega-chump thinking. Vent all you want - she plays by rules you still do not understand.

It was your job from day one to guide her to respect you (in a covert manner) via leading in every facet of your relationship. You did not. And that doesn't surprise anyone here as you started this relationship when you were 19 (or possibly even younger). Plus, you've been going out 6yrs with no sign of final comittement - she knows deep down this relationship does not have a happily every after ending.

She's older, makes good money and you sound like you usually back away and let her get away with sh1t. If you were her wouldn't you keep pressing buttons and see how far you can take it? She knows she'll cross paths with 100's of chumps and a handful of DJ's in time for a baby. That confidence seems to trump yours right now thus she's the prize, your the AFC and operating in her frame.

If you were (insert famous movie star or sports figure) and talking about getting married - she would have wrote the check for more!

Maybe her breaking point was reached before yours?

Let's say you "resolve this issue". Do you think you will have a great time on this vacation? If not, do you think the next 45yrs will be happily ever after?

Your actions (the fact you posted about this) tell us more than the words. People come here hoping they can change something (which they know they can not). Trying to changing something implies you are trying to control it. You might win a battle for control but the war will be lost.

What is sad is how many people go first months, then years, then 10's of years saying "my breaking point has been reached" only to do nothing about it and repeat it over and over again. And when they finally break free - they blame the other person for everything.

The real question is "What are you going to do about all of this?"

 

[sodbuster]

Women don't listen, all you can tell them is when you are done. They love drama, so instead of riding the rollercoaster, learn to drive it.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> She said it was a joke about the check thing. >>

You know it wasn't. That's just said to excuse it away and save face since it didn't fly. No biggie there.

>> We take turns with dinner and basically share a lot of our money without thinking about it. >>

There's the basis for her thinking you would've shared your good fortune instead of having her chip in. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm reminded about a guy who had a dinner date, and when the bill came, split it with her making her pay half. THEN he proceeded to fund his half with a "buy one dinner, get one free" coupon he had. What do you think that girl thought of him?

So your girl sees that you're getting a coupon, basically, for a vacation, but making her pay her half.

>> She also doesn't like being told what to do >>

How many adults do you know that actually enjoy being told what to do?

Do you like being told what to do?

Women want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. But that's not what this is about.

>> I did walk away angry instead of letting her know why I felt disrespected and that I'll talk to her once she's calmed down. >>

And once you're not angry, so that you don't speak in anger and say something you shouldn't that you can never take back once it's uttered. Walking away when you're angry is a good thing to do, but you DO have to let them know that's why you're walking but that you WILL talk about it later when you've calmed down too.

>> I would really like to work things out but I don't know if it's healthy for us to be with each other because of this vicious cycle. >>

You want to work things out? Okay, you can. Here's how:

You are the one that will break this "vicious cycle". Only YOU can do it, not her. That's because you haven't any control over her behavior. Only yours. With me so far?

If you change what you do in this routine, it then can have a ripple effect that changes what she does in return. This is as close as we can come to try to get another person to change.

Only you know what the routine is. She says this, you say that, then she says whatever, and you say this and then she gets mad and you get mad. Well, turn that into: She says this, but now, you're going to say or do this other thing instead. Now, you've broken the cycle and she has to respond differently, so it's going to end differently too. Do a 180 of whatever you would normally do. Anything at all, it doesn't matter exactly what, the key is that it has to be totally different then what you would normally do.

Don't expect this to work instantly. Behaviors are slow to change. Be consistent. It may take a few weeks to even see the smallest baby steps on her part, but be watchful for them. They may come in ways you don't expect.

 

[thissucks003]

The bigger issue is whenever we get in disagreements, she is not able to have a calm conversation and I can tell where she's reached the point of not being able to rationally talk about it. I tried to calm the situation down because I really don't care about the money.

This is the issue you will have to deal with if you would ever take it to the next level. 6 years in a relationship! What is holding you back from taking this to the next level with this girl?

If that would have been me, I would have just told her about the tournament and given her my flight itinerary so she could book her own flight.

 

[Nutz]

Here's how this should have went down:

"Honey, I won a trip to xyz. If you can afford it and get a few days off work we should go together. Mike wants to go of course (or whoever your buddy is that is on standby), but I thought it'd be nice if we could go together. I'll understand if you can't though."

All of this presupposes that she's paying for her own ticket. It's in how you word it of course. Better yet would be to force frame it as though it's already assumed and clearly articulated that she's paying for her own ticket.

 

[NewMan]

i still would like to know the $ value of the short change check.

Are we talking $10, $200 or $600.