"Stayin out of trouble". Actually, this one isn't intrinsically bad. My advice would be to use it on someone you feel (you honestly feel) is lower than you on the social scale. Someone higher--I might be wrong-- but it comes across as too supplicative. Eg, some obviously shy girl that really nobody would expect to be getting into much "trouble", yeah. Some obvious socialite, hmm, it just strikes me as a bit geeky, 'cos, you know, it's quite reasonable to think she'd be getting into "trouble", and if you're lower than her, it's kinda like you're praising her (ie she's so cool that she "gets into trouble" and you're stunned by it but you're trying to play it cool by drawing attention it, but in reality you don't sound cool at all). Obviously I've applied this reasoning to the extremes, but that's the way I see this line. It's kind of the same principle of treating famous people as they aren't famous, and people who aren't famous as though they are. (I think this was said with respect to the entertainment industry or something. Makes sense.) (Sheesh, give me a few more minutes I could write a monograph on it, lol. Who's the nerd here?Heyjose25points said:
)Don't worry, that's acceptable. Just try to mask it for a little while longer!I typically tend to have a smile/kidding facial expression. U might be right, well i am sorta a nerd after all.
Yeah, I'm aware of that principle. I think there's a danger in taking it too literally though. If people get the sense that you're not saying much about yourself because there's not much to say, that isn't cool. I suppose, in a way, they're not supposed to be aware that you haven't been saying much about yourself, know what I mean? I am guessing that what you do volunteer about yourself you do so dismissively, downplaying it like it's no big deal, correct? If so, I think this is a mistake. You don't have to say A LOT about yourself, but what you do say should give the impression of some underyling excitement, or at the very very least normalcy -- rather than the impression that you're somehow an embarrassment with nothing commendable to him so he evades talk of himself by changing the subject. Following me?
Unfortunately, I'm really not much help on this one. The points I raised in that part of the reply were just a bit of intellectualizing on my part. That is how I see it. I have got very limited experience with cold approaches, but I have paid close attention. I have never noticed ANY spark at all with standard question-train type conversations. In fact, they have KILLED whatever spark was there (ie she was visibly attracted to me, but I wrecked it by going into 'I-am-having-a-conversation mode'-- only thing that ever saved it was her introducing something funny or exciting, which you can't rely on happening consistenty).
I think the reason we (people, I mean, not just you and I) do standard convos is because we wanna keep at bay possible rejection points for as long as possible, the (probably subconscious) hope being that she will recognize our 'brilliance' at some point in the conversation, increasing the likelihood that when we ask for number or suggest a date it will be accepted (or, ideally, she would even ask us out, 'cos you know, we struck as her such a great catch). Obviously in reality it doesn't work out this way. The longer stanard boring convos go on, the less likely her interest is to grow. Sometimes, of course, you get lucky, but imo it was something other than the conversation that did it (most likely she was simply physically attracted to you and no matter what you said, as long as it wasn't mortally offensive, she would have reacted positively).
Since I'm in the mood to write, I'll add this. I think a lot of it comes down to "who you are"; in the sense of "who (or what) you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying". Just think of some certifiably cool guy you know saying the same standard convo type items as you say when you approach. Wouldn't you agree there's a certain "something" in him that enhances their delivery (and reception)? What I'm saying is that it's not JUST what you say, but also "how" -- by which I really mean "who". There's a lot of inner game to work on here, so that even when you are just making everyday standard chit chat it carries some extra oomph.
Now, if you are not (yet!) that certifiably cool guy, what can you do? Well, that's where I think the canned stuff can really help.
I'm not really convinced by that "the real me" advice. If I stayed the "real me" that I was throughout highschool, lol, I would never have scored a thing. You've gotta be willing to stretch yourself so that you grow into a new you. If the canned stuff you were using was TOO "not you", tailor it down to size so that it's only a little bit "not you", but still something that you can believably grow into. Eg, I had this friend, real buff guy, oozed charisma, who'd do things like go up to a group of her girls and greet them with "WOOOOW", and this smirky cheeky smile. But it was totally in character for him. For me, that is just so "not me" that not only I can't even see msyelf doing it in my imagination on a sole occassion (if I did, it would be the greatest disaster in dj history!), but I can't even see myeslf becoming that kind of guy. (Probably, in theory, I COULD become him, but I would be such a disaster in the beginning that I would be so discouraged I'd quit before I got there.) Get me?
It's not really either/or. You can just introduce some canned stuff into it. Even if it's just to fill in the dead spots in the convos. Like, say there's a deadspot, you go canned, "OH, hey, listen to this. What would you do...blah blah". I used to do this before I ever heard of pu/dj canned material. I used to just stockpile interesting stories that either happened to me or to other people (sometimes I'd make out like it was me that it happened to, if I was sure I'd never be discovered) that I'd use at the appropriate time. I think using the canned stuff actually helped me become a better natural conversationalist. Kind of like training wheels on your bike.
