What to do after I experience a behavior I don't like, or if I expected something and the other person didn't fulfill my expectation.
Aka boundary setting:
That is just telling the other person how to please me. So I ask the other person to change FOR ME (relationship building).
If the other person values me, he/she will do it. If not, I have to take the consequences and value the other person far less.
What usually is missed: I've just discovered differing core values, beliefs, or development stages in life.
I have to evaluate now if they are compatible or incompatible with mine (buying a relationship).
If not, the relationship must be limited so that the incompatibility does not interfere with my self-actualization.
Another point: Relationships don't exist. There are only two people interacting with each other. There is no 'third instance'.
The third instance is an artificial construct the ego can cling to, and it's purpose is to give a false sense of security to those who feel insecure in the world and life.
So there is nothing to be built, only two people compromising for each other, valueing each other, wanting each other sexually, and who are a good fit.
What is really meant with building a relationship is the building of value for each other. But that happens over time because of the good fit, which is how good the buy was.
So what do I have to do in real life?
1. Set the boundary to value myself
a) explicitely ("I like/don't like...", "it makes me feel ...")
b) if the 'incident' is a reflection of my value to the other person, implicitely (walk away, distance, detach)
2. Make an educated guess about the person's underlying value/belief/development stage
3. Inquire my own value/belief/development stage
4. Evaluate the compatibility
5. Draw immediate consequences
6. Write everything down to remember
I've come to a very common compatibility issue, or more so an instant dismissal cause:
Selfishness.
Selfishness is rooted in a clinging to the ego. To identify in what he/she does, or has, or attracts, .... instead of just being.
This opens the door wide for all kinds of negative traits and behaviours.
Self-lying, -deception and rationalizations can be used to use and abuse others. It's important to the selfish person to do so, since his/her worth is on the line.
Low integrity, janus-faced. Always forcing outcomes since they are defined by them. Their behaviour has covert intentions to manipulate outcomes.
Presenting a fake persona to other people to be accepted, externally validated, and/or to get what they want. This is especially dangerous and tricky by women, since they can muster a lot: Physical appearance, their good emotional intelligence, their good social intelligence, ... So they can create this illusion of an empathetic, caring, sweet, innocent girl, while actually they are merciless, indifferent, cruel and unconscionable. It doesn't matter if they are really that evil, or if they only do it because they bend their own reality with self-lies to cope with their perceived low self-worth: The difference only is in the amount of external validation they get to feed their ego. The insecure selfish girl mutates to the 'innocent' evil selfish girl, if she suddenly gets a lot of external validation and opportunities.
It's also important that confident selfish people can be perceived as self-accepting. However, their confidence is a product of their expediant, egotistical beliefs that make them achieve the outcomes in life they need to feel worthy. It's not because they accept their 'unwanted parts'.
I bet selfish women are the same who 'divorce rape'. Also the same that choose to disrespect instead of addressing it in a respectful way when the man doesn't value himself.
Women who are selfish have been a steady source of pain in my life. Time to pay more attention to keep those at a distance.