Mixed signals and what to do with it

[prodigy78]

Hi guys!

I need some advice. First, I’ve been dating a lot of girls and had long term relationships. So I thought I was really into “the game” before. Now, I’ve ended a long term relationship(10 yrs). So I got into talking with this girl from work(12 years younger than I am), she is the type of girl that really a lot of guys feel attracted too because she looks great and she's really great to talk too. We both felt a connection right away, so we spend time on work and in the evening on WhatsApp talking about all kind of stuff. We talked about relationships, she’s been single for a year now and she told me she isn’t looking for a relationship and she rushed into relationships before so she is into getting to know someone really good before she will even start a relationship with someone ever again. She told me sex was important but should be in a relationship and not just for fun. That said, after some days/weeks we started talking about sex. One thing leads to another, so at some point there was a smoking hot sexual attraction between us. At work she always found some way to get to touch me and vice versa. We never dated, but at a day she came to my house because I asked her for a sleepover. We talked about watching some movies, so we just did that. But when we went to bed we eventually had sex, it was a little awkward because we both where like “Ok, now it’s got to happen” because of the sexual tension there was between us.

So a few days later we took a walk and had a conversation about it. She told me she was confused and didn’t know if what was going on between us. I told her to relax and that I wasn’t looking for any commitment but just wanted to have fun and didn’t have any expectations and neither should she because of the relationship I just left. She told me it didn’t feel like she was in love with me but didn’t know what it was either.

So for some time we just acted like friends do, and the physical part of our contact fainted away. I realized that wasn’t what I wanted and that I am in love with her, so I told her that it felt like I was falling in love with her. She responded to me saying she’s still not sure what it is between us. She told me she misses me when I’m not around a few times, when she was on a trip she told me she didn’t like the distance between us(distance as in miles). I asked her how see sees our relation, she told me her feelings are floating somewhere between platonic and romantic. So there are mixed signals for me, what does she want?

So a few weeks later I asked her about her feelings towards me, she told me she likes our friendship. See, there is this thing between us where we don’t even have to talk and we just know there is something up with the other person and we do everything for each other without even hesitating. The vibe with this girl feels really special, I don’t think I have ever met someone that understands me this much. So we meet a lot, she’s always good company and she feels really comfortable around me though she is kind of a loner(she told me this). Because she works with me I see here every day and in the weekend she wants to meet with me all the time.

But since I felt it was better to drop the physical part(because of the above and people at work asking what was going on between us), so no kissing, touching and that stuff it went away completely on her side too. There is some physical contact but nothing that can’t be seen as just friendly. But there are still mixed signals, the other day she told me she dreamed about me in a relationship context, she told me she thinks she loves me in some kind of way. I asked about her feelings(on whatsapp) and she told me she likes the “no pressure” surrounding our contact. That when she thinks about us having sex that time it was really weird because we didn't know each other well and that it wouldn't be if it happend now.

When I ask her if it’s just friendship she tells me that it’s more than friendship but she doesn’t know what it is. When I tell her that I do have feelings for her she tells me she loves how I am and that I’m really a great guy but she doesn’t share this feelings and don’t want me to get hurt. So I tell her okay, because the friend-part really is awesome, and ask her if a BF/GF relation is out of the question. She tells me no it isn’t.

What the hell do I do with this? I know she isn't doing this just to give me a tease because I know she really cares about me, but what is my next step? I know I really, really like this girl, because I have other female attention atm because they know I'm single and I don't give a damn about it. The only one I want is her.

The time period from the start of contact to the point I am at now is a little less than 3 months by the way.

 

[Tictac]

There are no mixed signals.

Only a message you don't want to hear.

 

[Greasy Pig]

She's just letting you down easy.
Before you know it, she'll give you the full LJBF speech, then start bytching about the bad boy player she's started fvcking and then get all butthurt when you get offended.
"But you're my friend and I feel like you're the only guy I can talk to about this stuff."
You've been warned, prepare.

 

[Tenacity]

When a chick gives me mixed signals I just put her in the low interest category, sometimes I'm wrong and the chick actually has a decent level of interest, but hey if you don't manage your dating life then who will?

Filter the field and invest your time in chicks who come to the table with a higher level of interest out of the gate, I believe that a lot of the typical issues one has with women in terms of the SEX/DATING side is minimized when you do that. Now of course ANY woman you deal with still has the risks of the Court Systems ripping you off but that's another topic.

 

[nismo-4]

TL;DR!

OP, I wrote a thread about this subject. Go find it. Before you go looking, take these points with you. :rockon:

1. Mixed signals are negative signals. Do I need to write another thread about this?

2. Women are either interested or uninterested. There is no middle ground. So guess which one this is.

3. Women who are interested in you won't confuse you.

4. There are only 2 IOI's: Sex, and the woman says yes, with her actions backing it up. Everything else is fluff.

5. Anything other than a yes with the proper actions to back it up is a no (rejection).

6. Next any girl who shows disinterest. Uninterested chicks won't f**k you! Quit wasting your time on them!

7. Actions speak louder than words. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. So always judge from actions and take a woman's words with a grain of salt.

Oh yeah, when the physical part of all this faded away, that's just lost attraction. Also, you are in the friendzone. This woman isn't interested in you for any relationship unless you are just one of her beta orbiters. Sorry. Ditch this b**ch and move on. :yes:

Alas, she has low interest and you care too much. It's a lost cause. She don't care about you or your feelings. Just her ego, the attention you give her, and how much you'll orbit her. So what do you do? Drop her ass and don't look back. Judge nismo's ruling.

Case closed. Stop deluding yourself.

 

[prodigy78]

I dropped the bomb on her. Talked about it, she said let's stay friends and see where it ends. Told her that isn't good enough for me and she should make up her mind. I've told her it's better if we stop having contact, so I see here at work and that's it. Thanks guys.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Prodigy,

I just got out of an 8 month relationship with a girl who gave me a ton of mixed signals in the long, drawn out (5 months!) courting process. It's better to walk away - take my word, please. I don't think you have any idea just how frustrating it can be to date a girl with low interest. It can be achieved, yes, but you both will be settling - she for someone she doesn't really want to be with, and you for someone who really doesn't want to be with you. Unreciprocated feelings over the long haul has a serious potential of draining your self esteem. You don't want to experience that. Find someone who doesn't lead you to post on here about whether or not they're into you.

 

[rugby11]

Please Read this book The rational male by Rollo Tomassi

 

[Cheeks]

Disappear, it's your only play. Attention is your greatest currency when dealing with women. Take it away and it will soon be revealed what her real intentions are.

 

[jc_80]

Lesson learned - always let her initiate conversations about feelings and relationship labels, and take the pressure off the subject quickly when they do initiate it. And be consistent with things.

She was interested and you did something to turn her off. Then when she faded you broke the trust she had in you by flip flopping on her. You said no expectations then brought up love, while she was cold. And now you say friends isn't good enough. You're probably coming across as manipulative and having a fragile ego. She will be skeptical of your words and intentions now.

Next time just say friends is cool and put your attention elsewhere.

It's going to take a lot of patience and consistency to get that trust back, along with briefly admitting what you did and then backing way off. If she trusts you enough to talk to you again and have you stay cool about things she'll let you know. My opinion is even she does trust you again, that interest level won't come back enough to make her worth your time because she'll remember this and it wasn't very high to begin with, and she sounds flaky anyway.

The risk to potential reward ratio is very high. Best to start meeting other women and not repeat these mistakes with them.

 

[scrouds]

Sorry brother, your princess is in another castle.

 

[prodigy78]

I totally flipped the script with her. After the above conversation I started ignoring her. Kino her if I feel like giving her attention, and being somewhat rude most of the time. I gave her so many mixed signals and hooked up with another girl at work that I know is interested.

So today she saw me and this other chick talking, she knew this wasnt work related and noticed her hitting on me. At some point me and the other chick where walking away and I put my arms around her. She followed us fast and grabbed my hand. I ignored it and kept walking.

I had an argument with someone at work later today, so I walked of being really mad. She followed me to the toilet and gave me a hug. I gave her a sexual kind of hug, I noticed she didnt want to let go.

Back to being ****ty me a minute later. She asked me about something, I talked to her for a short period and told her: We should have a contract with some rules.

She asked me what rules, I just walked away and ignored her question, looking at her with a smile. So she asked me to send her a list. I made up some really nasty rules and send it to her on WA.

She totally has fallen for it. Her interest level went ballistic. Keeps apping me now about sex and that I should sleep over at her place :rockon:

So, I changed so dramatically se didnt have a clue, now she is all over me again. I keep you posted

 

[VladPatton]

All you need to know is that mixed signals demonstrates low, low interest.

 

[prodigy78]

Back for detailed report. Things are working out as expected, the moment I backed up and relaxed her interest level has risen. She wants to meet me all the time, always initiates contact when I'm not(I leave it up to her and sometimes I dont answer her messages). We didnt have any physical contact as mentioned above, now she is in the cuddle phase and kissed me when we went clubbing last week. Having sex is quite difficult since Im in a ****ty situation with my ex, we talk sex from time to time but thats it atm. If we are taking a walk she will most of the time grab my hand and lean on my shoulder. If she goes to bed she send me messages like "I wish you were here with me", "You are great" and even "I love you".

Last weekend she asked me friday if I would like to go see a movie with her. Since I had no plans we did. After seeing the movie we went to her place(she lives with her parents, sisters and brother) and she fell asleep on my chest, telling me she loves the way I hold her and she loves the way I smell. Saturday I was at my mother's place, she asked me if she could come over. I suggested we should go to some restaurant and we had a great time together.

But here is the thing that is bothering me. She asked me if I'm ok with the situation. So I said "Yeah why shouldn't I be?!". "Because I know you wanted a relationship" she replied. So she told me bringing up a relationship made her nervous and made her back up and now I changed she is drawn to me and that it feels great. She told me that things should go naturally and she loves the "no pressure". I told her that I like the way we are hanging out and that I feel really attracted to her. She told me she feels the same.

This doesn't sound to weird, but she is still giving me some mixed signals. She tells me stuff like "When I'm in a new relationship I would .... " and "You will get with someone who deserves you" when we talk about my ex who really is being a ***** from time to time. And why the hell is defining us as a "relationship" an issue? She told me she likes her freedom and independence but she is obviously into me. Doesn't she realize it herself?

I have 3 scenario's:
1. She is scared of commitment and thinks having a real relationship changes things between us.
2. She isn't emotionally available completely because she is thinking of someone else sometimes.
3. I'm making a big deal out of nothing

The second scenario is because I know she has a male friend that is in a relationship that she describes as someone who knows her really well and is a great friend. He sends her WA messages all day and she sees him from time to time(not at all as much as she wants to meet up with me). I know she has a connection with him because she told me a year ago talking to him made her realize her relationship at that time wasn't what it's supposed to be. On the other hand he can be annoying to her, she tells me this because he acts really dramatic sometimes.

So atm I have a few options:
1. Play hard to get more
2. Keep things the way they are a move on more
3. ......

What do you guys suggest? Dumping her isn't an option now since I really think this one is special. I can't even count the number of girls I dated so I know when someone is worth my effort.

 

[sodbuster]

An old saying "IF you aren't f&cking her, you are just another one of her girlfriends" She's got someone to go to a movie with, dinner with, bring home to mom{and get her off her back with the why don't you have a boyfriend....} and it's all for free.... no sex required.

 

[prodigy78]

Well, she admited she is in love with me and feels a major attraction to me. We planed some private time together this week, so this case is closed. For someone else who's in this position, it can be done.

 

[Colossus]

Girls love to "fall" into a relationship. Like it just happened, serendipity. Oddly enough, nothing pushes a woman away faster than trying to force the hand; i.e. intimating that you want a relationship. They have this deep seated NEED to feel like they have "won" you. This is why your hot/cold routine worked, and works for almost all women if you play it right.

Part of the reason is you are creating this swirling cauldron of emotions which is irresistible to them. You become this "mystery man" that they need to figure out and rescue from his wayward life. Younger women are very susceptible to this, and this is exactly how it played out with you guys.

"Mixed signals" are really just negative signals you don't want to accept. Either she is in another castle (another guy), or you are pushing the issue of how much you like her, showing covert neediness, etc. Or it could be you just aren't tickling her 'gina for whatever unknown reason.

Scripts can be flipped, just like you did, but don't mistake her new-found "love" for you as deep and genuine. She is riding the feelings coaster right now and doesn't want to get off. But the feelings coaster always stops, and when it does...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The Medium IS the Message

I hate the term ‘Mixed Signals’ or ‘Mixed Messages’. More often than not there’s nothing ‘Mixed’ being communicated and rather it’s a failure (willful or not) to read what a woman is communicating to a man. The average guy tends to ‘get’ exactly what a woman has implied with her words, but it takes practice to read her behavior and then more practice in self-control to apply it to his own interpretation. When a woman goes from hot to cold and back again, THIS IS the message – she’s got buyers remorse, you’re not her first priority, she’s deliberating between you and what she perceives is a better prospect, you were better looking when she was drunk, etc. – the message isn’t the ‘what ifs’, the message IS her own hesitation and how her behavior manifests it. 10 dates before sex? This IS the message. Canceling dates? Flaking? strong interest to weak interest? This IS the message.

Women with high interest level (IL) wont confuse you. When a woman wants to ƒuck you she’ll find a way to ƒuck you. If she’s fluctuating between being into you and then not, put her away for a while and spin other plates. If she sorts it out for herself and pursues you, then you are still playing in your frame and you maintain the value of your attention to her. It’s when you patiently while away your time wondering what the magic formula is that’ll bring her around, that’s when you lean over into her frame. You need her more than she needs you and she will dictate the terms of her attentions.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

I have a question Rollo, if you're still on here.

Women with high interest level (IL) wont confuse you

I hear this^ ALL THE TIME on here. However, this in itself, I feel, can be confusing. Sometimes there is a building of attraction phase that needs to happen. I get the whole premise here, however, it seems that most of the advice given out is to NEXT at the first sign or indication of low interest. Well, aren't there ways to raise attraction? Maybe the first date didn't go that well, and she's not sure, and puts YOU on the back burner. So...just NEXT because she didn't text you back right away, or is busy doing her hair this Friday? I know there's a lot of other factors involved, and that's also my point..... OP's message was pretty long and detailed, I skimmed it, so it's easier to make a conclusion. However, some women, will confuse you no matter what at the beginning. Right? They're playing games themselves, they're actually busy, and have priorities.....and at this moment, you're not above those priorities.....

Would you be able to clarify any of this?

 

[nismo-4]

I have a question Rollo, if you're still on here.


I hear this^ ALL THE TIME on here. However, this in itself, I feel, can be confusing. Sometimes there is a building of attraction phase that needs to happen. I get the whole premise here, however, it seems that most of the advice given out is to NEXT at the first sign or indication of low interest. Well, aren't there ways to raise attraction? Maybe the first date didn't go that well, and she's not sure, and puts YOU on the back burner. So...just NEXT because she didn't text you back right away, or is busy doing her hair this Friday? I know there's a lot of other factors involved, and that's also my point..... OP's message was pretty long and detailed, I skimmed it, so it's easier to make a conclusion. However, some women, will confuse you no matter what at the beginning. Right? They're playing games themselves, they're actually busy, and have priorities.....and at this moment, you're not above those priorities.....

Would you be able to clarify any of this?

Rollo T. never brings up the celebrity maxim i.e. would she act this way if you were Brad Pitt etc. It's quite accurate though.

Here's the rub peaks. A first date only has gone well if she wants to see you again and actually does it. If she stops responding to your calls, or flakes on your second date (if it was ever going to happen), you have failed.

Raising attraction is easier said than done, if it's even doable. The woman has to have some sort of interest in you though.

And here's the funny part. You can't NEXT a girl you haven't f**ked. It's often men getting NEXTed because the woman isn't responding, she's flaking, she's unsure about you, etc. Yet the men think they're winning because they walk off. But they didn't get the pu$$y!

It's much easier to get a woman showing high interest than putting in the effort (with little to show for it) on a low interest woman. Game amplifies attraction. But attraction has to exist on both ends.

Sadly, raising attraction is a tough task, and there are more signs of disinterest than interest. After you get burned so much, you tend to move on a lot faster, even if you can't figure out why or how you failed. And women are either interested or not interested. There's no middle ground.