Mission to get her back, need help..

[bunjy]

Ok guys I'll try and keep this brief.

Split up with an LTR (1.5 years together, lived together for 6 months of that) 6 months ago. I ended it but it, didnt end well and basically the last time I saw her was after a huge bust up and we went out seperate ways. In short there was never a proper 'talk' about what happened and the whole thing was left up in the air. This was 6 months ago. I moved on quickly (or at least gave her that impression) but she struggled with it all. We've only spoken once in 6 months and that what briefly by txt, she was obviously still upset and was struggling to move on (this was 3 months ago).

Now after 4 months of dating, spinning plates etc I come to the conclusion that I want her back or at least give it another shot. i was about to contact her and I found out recently got a new bf, we still follow each other on twitter so I know this. Shes made it really obvious shes got a new bf, putting up lots of tweets about the two of them, her profile pic is of them both together (something she never did when we where together). In short from what I can tell shes been with him for about 5 weeks and it seems to be moving really fast.

Im not the sorta guy to go causing problems and getting between her and her new bf but Im kinda thinking this may be something of a rebound relationship. My reasons are this:

Firstly she always told me how our relationship was the best one she'd ever had and generally she was very happy with me. It me who ended it cos at the time I was confused about things and was having a tough time in other areas of my life. We had a very deep and close relationship and I think she would still have feelings for me as it was only 5 months ago we left things with no real closure. As far as she knows I quickly moved on at the time I felt I had but only now do I realise I miss her.

Secondly, it was only 3 months ago when we spoke and it was clear she still had huge feelings for me and hadnt moved on.

Thirdly, it seems to be moving really really quickly with this new guy and from what I can tell he seems abit AFC and loved up with her. Shes the sort of bossy chick who can walk all over guys and needs to be stood up to (something I always did) and this new guy seems to be not doing that at all. He seems like a drip and Ive seen all this lovely dovey stuff on her twitter.

So what you guys think, am I in with a chance still? Im still dating other chicks myself and all but i would definetly like another shot with my ex (I know this can be a bad idea but its something Id like to try). I wont make a move on her again unless shes single so Im either wasting my time or theres a chance her new relationship wont work out and I should just wait??

I realise this sounds like Im still caught up on her (I guess I am) but as I said Ive been dating since we broke up and realise I want her back.

 

[Teddy_Beer]

Sorry to say this, my good man, but you need to move on. You've lost her.

Not to mention it's never a good idea to get back with an ex. There's a reason you two broke up in the first place, after all...

Yes, it's hard and it'll take time, but you need to get over her.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

1. Don't expect closure. You might be waiting forever.

2. Remember the chick you had a crush on/break up with 5/10 years ago? You're over her now, right? Same difference.

3. 60 days no-contact (see the challenge on this forum). Then start the relationship over again (like you never were together). And own relationship, i.e. be the man. If you ever qualify 'what she wants' you'll never be what she wants. You have to just 'know' and 'be' what she wants. That's women.

4. Move on. As Teddy said. She'll either come back having missed you, or she wont. But if she don't at least you'll be out meeting others. Win win.

I have just gone through this whole process in the last 4-6 months too (very similar scenario). It hurts a lot to start. But you'll never heal/get back with her as you are now. You both need to become different people for any chance of reconciliation. Because the two people you are now, they don't work together.

Stay strong. And read more. And get out and about. The world is full of hot birds. Currently got a Swede, a French and a Yank on my books =)

 

[bunjy]

Sorry to say this, my good man, but you need to move on. You've lost her.

Not to mention it's never a good idea to get back with an ex. There's a reason you two broke up in the first place, after all...

Yes, it's hard and it'll take time, but you need to get over her.

On the whole I agree really. The last time we spoke (3 months ago) she was upset, bitter and angry with me. She was angry at me for walking away from it all so it makes sense she has moved on as quickly as possible.

I just have this feeling though that she will come back.

 

[bunjy]

1. Don't expect closure. You might be waiting forever.

2. Remember the chick you had a crush on/break up with 5/10 years ago? You're over her now, right? Same difference.

3. 60 days no-contact (see the challenge on this forum). Then start the relationship over again (like you never were together). And own relationship, i.e. be the man. If you ever qualify 'what she wants' you'll never be what she wants. You have to just 'know' and 'be' what she wants. That's women.

4. Move on. As Teddy said. She'll either come back having missed you, or she wont. But if she don't at least you'll be out meeting others. Win win.

I have just gone through this whole process in the last 4-6 months too (very similar scenario). It hurts a lot to start. But you'll never heal/get back with her as you are now. You both need to become different people for any chance of reconciliation. Because the two people you are now, they don't work together.

Stay strong. And read more. And get out and about. The world is full of hot birds. Currently got a Swede, a French and a Yank on my books =)

Yes mate I know your right. The thing is Im pretty sure a couple of months ago If I had of contacted her she would have been responsive and Im confident I could of got her back. I sure she still has feelings for me. Now however she has a new guy and seems loved up with him so Im kinda stuck.

Ive been well longer than 60 days NC, infact sine we broke up (6 months ago) we've only had contact twice. I dont txt, call, interact with her on social media. Nothing. Weirdly Id kinda already done what you say. When we broke up I was very quick to move on, I started working out and focusing on myself again. Was dating and gaming chicks at every opportunity. Its only 6 months down the line and with some clarity that I realise I do indeed miss her. It wouldnt be a huge leap to say that I may have overreacted when we broke up and probably walked away when I should have kept cool about it all.

It must have seemed to her like I was well and truly over her. Indeed she will still think this as Ive given her no indication I want her back. This is my problem now. As far as she knows I have totally moved on when in actual fact Im in a position now where I want her back.

The chances of her contacting me or attempting to reconcile are next to zero. As I dumped her and gave off an impression that I was nonchalant about it all, at the time I was. Any chance of getting her back would have to be initiated by me, theres no way she will take the first step. Its not my style though to come between a couple though so Im stuck.

If she was single Id message her in a flash. I guess my only real option is to forget about it for now and focus on myself and dating chicks. If her new relationship doesnt work out I can take the initiative. Im kinda hoping a window will open again for me with her (e.g. if she breaks up with her new man) but I dont want to be waiting round for it to happen.

Im finding it hard to believe that she can be completely over me given a few months ago she still obviously had very strong feelings about me. Throw in the fact her new relationship seems to be moving very very fast and Im thinking it wont last.

 

[Teddy_Beer]

That's just how women are. On day you're their king, the next it's like you never existed at all.

You can do better, my friend. Trust me

 

[bunjy]

That's just how women are. On day you're their king, the next it's like you never existed at all.

You can do better, my friend. Trust me

Yeah I know what you mean. I still think given how badly she took it and how serious our LTR there is definetly still feelings there.

Guess I'll never know now.

 

[Teddy_Beer]

Don't waste your time regretting it/ wondering. It's pointless and not worth it.

Instead Use that time for yourself and until you meet the next girl. There's just too many women to let yourself get down because of one.

 

[PRAGMATIST]

People putting their "happiness" on the condition that they have to have someone with them, is weak...if this chick brought you so much happiness you would never have nexted her in the first place.

You could mess with her head, probably screw up her new relationship..blah blah... and all for what, to get bored again in a month and dump her again.

Silly.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Hate to say it mate, but it sounds like she's moving on. And so should you.

If it's meant to be in the future, may be it will be.

Honestly, it's almost an identical sitch with my ex and I (i.e. probable residual feelings). But I told myself in the New Year that I could be waiting for that offer/call/reconciliation forever. But personally, I felt I had done enough.

I've had a couple of non-committal emails since then, but no real offer of meeting. So I've gone out and met others. I still think about her, still get the occasional pang of bitterness. But I've done all any real man should.

If she's with someone else, that really is closure enough, at least for now. Something might happen in future, by which time you'll both have grown up a bit, be a bit wiser. But there is someone out there as hot, if not better. Go find her.

 

[Tictac]

Bunjy,

You didn't ask how to move on but how to (maybe) 'get her back'. The guys that responded are right - it's a very long shot at best.

But, if you're going to try anyway google "text your ex back". If you buy-in, it's a process to use texts to try and get you there.

If you like long odds, maybe this would work for you.

 

[expos]

I've been in your situation before and it's awful. Mourning the death of what was and what could be. Your ex looking great in every photo and wondering if she's changed what the new guy has that you don't.

It's sad, depressing, hurtful. You begin to lack self-worth and the thoughts of her are consuming. You start playing mind movies of what they are doing.

It's a mirage, plain and simple.

It's like an island you look at while you are sitting on the shore. Tranquil, mountains, lush green vegatation. But once you get to that island, it's not that great. Especially if you've walked around it a hundred times. I just gets old.

This became your relationship with your ex. You've been there and done that.

Most people don't change over time. Most women and men and are not looking at SoSuave or Relationship Forums after a failed relationship trying to better themselves. Most believe they did nothing wrong and do nothing to fix their problems.

It will take time to get over this. But you can start by unfollowing her on Twitter, Facebook, and all social media. People put their best face forward on those sites and it's not even a fair assessment of the reality of their situation. I've seen people post the most amazing things when they were really depressed, hurt, etc.

Do not hold your breath on her coming back to you. Plan on it not happening. Go out and find a new woman.

I find that women usually come back when you are not thinking about them anymore. This is the way it always works. The minute you stop thinking about them and you are over them, that's when they return. This has happened on three occassions in my life. It's like women have this sixth-sense that lets them know their ex is pining for them - they love it and get off on it because it's such an ego boost for them. It is so hard to explain but it's true. You need to get to that point of indifference to find that happiness again, and once you find a new girl and they find out about it, their ego gets shattered (and rightfully so!)

I'm one of those guys who does believe in second-chances, but never initiates them. I'm a big proponent of moving on and finding new women, and letting exes make that call, letting them know that I'M THE PRIZE that they should be chasing.

If you want to talk more about this, send me a PM.

But for now, ignore her.

 

[VladPatton]

We don't condone "gettin her back" round these parts. Abandon that mentality.

 

[RagingBalls]

OP, you heard no one says here to proceed with your plan on winning her back and i for one would say the say thing.
It you do that, either she'll reject you or she'll make it hard for you and all of it in her terms with no sure results in your favour. You'll just regret it as she'll choose the guy over you.

She had moved on from you. She would remember you, you were the guy that she got tired of waiting, and reasons that made her realized you we're not the only one out there who can give her the best relationship she'd ever had.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

You don't go 'getting/winning her back'. She may come back as a result of you moving on and improving yourself. At that point, it is then YOUR decision to engage with her again or not.

Having literally just come out the other end of the process, I can honestly say I'm not sure I even want to have anything to do with my ex anymore.

There is likely a better match out there for you chief.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

http://therationalmale.com/2011/09/08/rooting-through-garbage/

 

[jonhaul]

Its hard just let time take care of you you WILL get over her. Once there gone they're not worth getting back. They all have one chance with me I hate it when they come back its very insulting to me. Just work on yourself and go out with friends meet new people especially women. You will see life is full of great opportunities and what it has to offer. Letting yourself being depressed over a woman isn't worth your time I know its easier said than done but the future will be great when you think about her less and less as time goes on.

 

[amoka]

After over 11 years on sosuave you are talking about trying on getting an ex back because you saw her looking happy in pictures with another guy and you felt jealous about it all? Get over it.

 

[bunjy]

After over 11 years on sosuave you are talking about trying on getting an ex back because you saw her looking happy in pictures with another guy and you felt jealous about it all? Get over it.

I know what you mean but its not strictly been like that. When I ended it (6 months ago) I was happy with my decision and with myself. I had a positive mindset and went out there and lived life. After dating and gaming different chicks for months (Ive not just been sitting around bored) I started to realise a couple of months ago that I do indeed miss my ex and that maybe I had made a mistake. I wasnt 100% sure and considered contacting her for weeks. Then I found out she has a new man. Sure this gave a sense of urgency to me wanting her back and did indeed bring up feelings of jealousy but it wasnt the critical point in which I decided I missed her and wanted her back, this was weeks before I even knew she was with someone. Indeed I was under the impression she was still single as she had been up until very recently.

 

[bunjy]

Some great advice here DJs and I really appreciate it. It has given me the perspective I need.

I guess deep down I know I should probably scrap any notions of trying to get her back. As has been said it didnt work then so it probably wont work another time.

Although I do feel regret at what happened between us and my decision to leave her I know that waiting around for her to come back or attempting to get her back is largely a waste of time.