missed her hints about exclusivity?

[ne0phyte]

hey guys, there's this girl that i've been hooking up with since aug to now. lately she has been acting cold, so I've backed off. Since I go to school with her, I still say hi and have the occasional fluff conversation with her. I've asked about this on here before, and the consensus was "don't sweat it, go talk to other girls, and if she's still interested, she'll come to you".

It's solid advice, but I was wondering if I may have missed something that caused her to do act this way. When we started, she openly said "we're just hanging out right?" to which i said "of course". fast forward to the last time she stayed over (2 weeks ago), she was asking about my history, and I said, "i dunno, i really don't keep track. I dated here and there in college, and here I am now. She replied, "i was always the relationship girl in college, i should've probably done the same. I am a pretty good girlfriend though". I smiled, kissed her, and said "i'm sure you would be".

At the time, i didn't think too much of it. Since she was so open about talking about "hanging out", i'd figure she'd come out and have the "what are we?" convo, rather then just hint at it. Anyway, she went clubbing the next day, and instead of usually drunk calling me and coming over, she didn't. Instead i saw a fb pic of her kissing a guy on the cheek. I found out she lost her phone that night so I tried cheering her up by getting her ice cream. She seemed weird. That was last week. Didn't talk to her since until she drunk called me at 4am last night.

we had some fluff talk with me trying to get her to come over, and during our convo, i said it sucks how she lost her phone earlier in the week. she said "don't worry, everything in my life is easily replaceable". I got a sense she was threatening that I would be replaced (or am i over-thinking things?). I kept cool, and we joked about her drinking habits, and she swears to me that she's been so good (ie not super drunk all the time). I ended the convo by saying "good night _______, let's not make a habit of calling me this late haha". she said she was sorry and promised to never do it again.

So, what makes this somewhat confusing is half my friends are telling me that she's mad because I didn't catch her hint about being exclusive. And at the same time, they're saying since I've backed off, she thinks I don't like her anymore (and that she's just trying to act cool as well). Wouldn't a girl would usually try a few times before pulling back so easily? The other half (like you guys), are saying, screw her, back off, and move on to others. So far, that's what I've done. But i like this girl, and I don't know what's really going on. Should I ask her? as in, "hey, I've noticed you've been acting kinda different lately, what's up?"

 

[EvilAgenda]

No. She is simply losing interest in you.

 

[Tiguere]

talk to her about it... cuz everyone here will just guess. you seem to like this girl alot. bring up the exclusivity talk so you can take her off the market. as long she remains in the market(single) you will be in a tough position.

 

[jay_mo]

I read your last thread, and I didn't reply, but my thought is that in her eyes, you are the one who is moving away.

Most people here are acting the way to get as many chicks as possible. By acting extremely independent of what this girl thinks about you. And of course that makes her crazy about you. This is great for the guy who wants to play around with a bunch of chicks and let them all coming back to you.

But this girl is trying to get your attention by making you jealous and by moving away. She is hoping that if you feel that you are loosing her you will give her attention. And it's working, only problem is, you don't show it to her.

So depending of what you want, do you want to have a relationship with this girl? Then it's time to start to show her some more affection, or she might eventually give up on you and find some other dude who wants to be her boyfriend.
If you just want to have sex with her and other girls at the same time, go on as you were.

That's what I think...

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Wouldn't a girl would usually try a few times before pulling back so easily? The other half (like you guys), are saying, screw her, back off, and move on to others. So far, that's what I've done. But i like this girl, and I don't know what's really going on. Should I ask her? as in, "hey, I've noticed you've been acting kinda different lately, what's up?"

To your question: I would say it depends on the girl. Some girls will take one shot and if you don't seem to be jiving in the same direction, they'll move on, likely to save themselves wasted invested time or effort in a person who may not give them what they want. You've got to show this girl clear signals that you can give her what she wants. If you both wanted an informal thing in the beginning, fine, great, but it sounds like (a) she has wanted more and (b) so have you. But you wanting more, in her eyes, is going to have to be clearly communicated, and if you are acting dismissive of her, or making it clear that you are spinning plates or enjoying other women -- this may make her distance herself from you (because you are not choosing to be with her). She probably thinks: "Why shouldn't I find another male instead who is making himself available?" [when I use this word 'available' I mean in the sense you are willing to be with just her]

You don't want to get in the habit of playing games in this world. Some of the DJ techniques are a basic education in being charismatic and gaining social affection (and this includes women), but you really do want to be straight-forward about what you want. Because more often than not by playing games we get an outcome we didn't expect/desire and we generally just really confuse people. Or they don't pickup on whatever 'subtleties' we think we are embedding in our action/dialogue.

If you are interested in getting exclusive with her, you ought to find a way to let her know directly in a clear way -- I'm not sure what the best way of going about this is, but rather I would say you know the situation and can gauge most effectively who she is and what she would best respond to. There is a lot be said about "showing without telling" but at some point, when going exclusive, it will involve some dialogue -- some verbal exchange that "we're in this now" (from my own past I have learned also that the next time I'm at this point is also the time to discuss ground rules and expectations of behavior).

More or less, it sounds like she's into you and you are into her -- but you are sending her indirect and confusing signals as to what you want. She probably does want to be your girlfriend dude, but if you are constantly playing the field (and in front of her) she's going to lose investment because she'll assume you won't give her what she wants (exclusivity). This will drive her to look for other dudes who may.

I've been in that situation with women before where I realized she wasn't down for the same cause and I moved on. But in a case of miscommunication, or more often, "not knowing what you want", you can probably take some course to show her & clearly communicate now what you want...ask her if she wants to take the relationship you are in presently to another level...it sounds like that's what you both want. If you don't make some action/discussion soon, she'll find somebody else and you'll be bummed you didn't try. People move on, there are small windows for some things and they aren't open forever.

But here is the catch -- if you don't want a relationship with this girl you are going to have to be cool with watching her drift away, because that is inevitable. And probably when she does find another dude, or gets her next BF, you will be sidelined as a friend and her new relationship will take priority. If you haven't been sure what you want, that too is something that is going to effect her behavior -- because of the mixed signals. Maybe she's felt you've been playing hot and cold too.

IDK -- see what other posters say about this too -- but from what you've shared and from my personal experience and what I've gained from the collectives of this site -- I would say she's waiting for you to take leadership (by going exclusive) and she views your lack of doing so as a lack of interest in her!

You should go for it man! Sounds like you'd enjoy being with her and like her! You can probably rebound from this awkwardness and have what you want!

 

[perseverance]

Buddha_Mind has hit the nail on the head.

 

[tafakna]

Should I ask her? as in, "hey, I've noticed you've been acting kinda different lately, what's up?"

She acted cold because she probably felt she had you under control. You've backed off and that made her insecure.

Are you sure there's no other guy in the picture right? I ask because drunk calling, and mixed signals are very common if she's on the rebound.

I think that if you're sure that that's not the case, and that you have the right assessment of the situation, confronting her is the best option. Do it as lightly as possible, showing that you'll be fine either way (not in the sense of not caring but in the sense of being strong and having an independent life).

 

[ne0phyte]

well i just asked her to have lunch today and she said she's going home but wants to drop off my stuff. i'll definitely try to talk to her, but it may be too late.

thanks for the input though. I'll definitely keep it in mind for the next one. the whole situation just kinda sucked, because i thought we were moving in that direction. after she made the "i'd be a good girlfriend comment", she invited me to a potluck dinner she was having the next day, but i didn't want to make the mistake of spending the entire weekend with her. I counteroffered to cook her dinner during the week, but then she got really stressed out with her losing her phone, and IDs. then her parents and friends came in and I got pushed to the wayside.

and tafakna, i don't think that she's on the rebound. for the last month and a half, things have been good. this change in attitude just happened very recently. may have found a new guy, but i definitely don't know anything about that.

buddha_mind, thanks for the very well reasoned advice. proves that sosuave is very valuable resource.

 

[vatoloco]

Instead i saw a fb pic of her kissing a guy on the cheek. I found out she lost her phone that night so I tried cheering her up by getting her ice cream.

Hey, if there's something I love to do it's rewarding girls for making out with other dudes by giving them ice cream!

 

[smooth_as_silk]

Not catching hints about exclusivity... let me laugh...

Dude, you're being super available to this *****, who even showed disrespect to the point of posting a pic of her kissing someone else where you could easily access it.
Just ignore her from now on (don't answer her stupid calls, stop the "good night" girlie talk...) and let her know at some point that you would only hang out to ravage her.

 

[perseverance]

Not catching hints about exclusivity... let me laugh...

Dude, you're being super available to this *****, who even showed disrespect to the point of posting a pic of her kissing someone else where you could easily access it.
Just ignore her from now on (don't answer her stupid calls, stop the "good night" girlie talk...) and let her know at some point that you would only hang out to ravage her.

He hasn't shared anything that makes him seem like he is "super available", if anything he has done the opposite. Also how has this girl disrespected him by posting a picture of kissing another dude on the cheek? If she single she can do whatever the hell she likes and if the OP doesn't like it, it's his problem, not hers. If he was in a relationship with her than fair enough I could understand.

If he wants to have an FWB with her he has to let her know what he wants and the same applies if he wants a relationship.

 

[ne0phyte]

Hey, if there's something I love to do it's rewarding girls for making out with other dudes by giving them ice cream!

well when you say it like that then I'm clearly an idiot haha. but she was just kissing a mutual acquaintance on the cheek. the thing is this happened after i ignored her talk about "being a good girlfriend". half my friends say she did that probably just to make me jealous and to get me to try to lock her down.

and smooth, i don't think i was being super available. we only hang out once a week. i don't call her everyday, i only text her to hang out. The only reason i pick up when she drunk calls is because she always came over afterwards.

anyway, i'll be talking with her today. If it's over, it's over. I'll take this as another learning experience, try to get better, and move on.

 

[tafakna]

thanks for the input though. I'll definitely keep it in mind for the next one. the whole situation just kinda sucked, because i thought we were moving in that direction. after she made the "i'd be a good girlfriend comment", she invited me to a potluck dinner she was having the next day, but i didn't want to make the mistake of spending the entire weekend with her. I counteroffered to cook her dinner during the week, but then she got really stressed out with her losing her phone, and IDs. then her parents and friends came in and I got pushed to the wayside.

Seriously. I think you're missing something here.

Girls quite often will bluff and try calling the shots, specially when facing someone independent. It's their natural instinct.

The more messages you send the more I get the impression that there's a lot more to all of this.

 

[ne0phyte]

Seriously. I think you're missing something here.

Girls quite often will bluff and try calling the shots, specially when facing someone independent. It's their natural instinct.

The more messages you send the more I get the impression that there's a lot more to all of this.

unclear about what you're saying here. what am i missing? that she found another guy/ was on the rebound like you said earlier? or that i missed completely what she wanted from me?

 

[tafakna]

half my friends say she did that probably just to make me jealous and to get me to try to lock her down.

This half of your friends is the smart bunch.

Same goes to the 'hints of exclusivity', the more messages I read the more it sounds like probing to see how independent you really were.

The only reason i pick up when she drunk calls is because she always came over afterwards.

Answering drunk/booty calls, while fun, it's still being available. The whole idea booty call is to call a 'backup guy'. She goes out, feels rejected, and calls whoever she feels confident will pick-up and make her feel good: YOU.

It's great when you just want to get lay, but it's a warning sign when you feel serious about someone.

 

[ne0phyte]

hmm those are good points. but now that makes me super confused lol. i know when a girl tries to make you jealous, the proper response is to be nonreactive. but say this happens again with a new girl that i actually want to have a ltr with, how do i go about locking someone down while not showing that her attempt to make me jealous had anything to do with it?

also, about the probing about how independent i was, wouldn't passing the independence test require me to ignoring her messages and calls? it would prove that I'm independent and don't need her, but then i wouldn't have her either

 

[tafakna]

unclear about what you're saying here. what am i missing? that she found another guy/ was on the rebound like you said earlier? or that i missed completely what she wanted from me?

I mean, you might not be coming across as the independent, hard-to-get prize. In your mind you think so. But her actions indicate that she might have a different view. You buy ice cream she acts weird. You get closer she backs off. You back off she comes back.

Anyway talk to her... and confront her on this... how she see things, making it clear that you have no problem keeping the status quo.

As for being in the rebound; drunk calling, kissing other guys, drinking till losing her cell phone, it all screams rebound to me. I love to go clubbing, have lots of friends, know the good parties, so I quite often find rebound girls in my life. They are always looking for someone who will be reliable in making them have fun, until being clingy or emotionally dependent. They don't want to feel bad or reponsible for other people's feelings; but they do want to have some fun to take their mind away from their oneitis.

 

[tafakna]

hmm those are good points. but now that makes me super confused lol. i know when a girl tries to make you jealous, the proper response is to be nonreactive. but say this happens again with a new girl that i actually want to have a ltr with, how do i go about locking someone down while not showing that her attempt to make me jealous had anything to do with it?

also, about the probing about how independent i was, wouldn't passing the independence test require me to ignoring her messages and calls? it would prove that I'm independent and don't need her, but then i wouldn't have her either

I'm sure other people have a different view. IMHO you don't lock someone down. You just show her that you're emotionally strong enough to be the man on her life and she will want to lock herself to you.

Keep living your live, dating other girls. You don't have to intentionally make her jealous. You just have to show her that until you guys have some sort of commitment you feel free to date whoever you want.

When things are reversed remember her trying to make you jealous SHOULDN'T have anything to do with you feeling like she's escaping. That's what she intended, and by your answer it's clear she got to you.

As for passing the independence test remember that the goal is to leave her insecure, not to ignore her. You can always not answer her late night calls, and call her after a couple of days claiming that you couldn't answer (give no explanations).

Good luck!

 

[ne0phyte]

tafakna, thanks for explaining that to me. it's so true what they say, keeping a girl is so much harder than just attracting one. i think that's where i messed up. but yeah, i'll talk to her today before she leaves. things definitely don't look good for me, so i really have nothing to lose.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

She is losing interest because she thinks that you do not want to be exclusive with her.. This sh1t has happened to me plenty of times too. She doesn't want to be used by you so she's trying to move on (thus kissing the guy in the club). If you wanted to pursue exclusivity with this girl (which I take it you do if you're posting this story) then you should've been honest with yourself and taken her up on the girlfriend thing.

She's still attracted to you definitely. Just give her time and don't let her pull you around on a leash (Like what happened to me a few months ago). I'd say at the most, give her a month.. Then just move on. Don't freak out, don't lose composure. Be cool.. Focus on other things in the meantime too. Go out with your friends and have a good night, focus on some work/school, see family, or go on a day trip if you have the money. Those are the best things to clear your head.

Hope things work out for you man.