missed her hints about exclusivity?

[ne0phyte]

so i talked to her today, and basically she gave me a spiel about having to focus on school. "i really like hanging out with you, but I didn't work this hard to get into this program to barely pass, etc. etc." She brought up the whole "i told you I'd be a good girlfriend" line, and explained to me she throws herself into relationships and if that happens, she would put school and everything else second to that. Could be true, could be a lie. The fact is, whatever interest she had in me that made her cook for me, bring me lunch,etc is gone haha.

i told her "i understand, you gotta do what you gotta do". she asked me what I meant, and i said if you feel like hanging out, and both of us have the time, we'll hang out. that's all". she then said, "but that's not fair to you, i don't wanna lead you on, i would only be able to hang out once in a while".

this is where it got tricky for me. I wanted to leave things a little open ended, so i didn't say something like "let's just be friends and forget about it". I told her, "hey, not to belittle "this arrangement", but we were pretty casual. All i'm saying is if both of us have time in the future, and we wanna hang out, we should. I mean, it's not like you're gonna get mad if you see me with other girls, right? and don't worry, we'll be friends"

Let me know if it sounded too much AFC to you guys. Still trying to nail how to show interest, but in a nonchalant/ non-needy way.

thanks again for all the input guys

 

[Fela Kuti]

well, she could be honest about the school thing or it's just a case of low interest. either way, if you're looking for a gf, you should look somewhere else.

 

[tafakna]

As expected then.

She indeed was thinking that you were getting too close/clingy, even though you thought you were playing it cool. The statement below says it all:

she then said, "but that's not fair to you, i don't wanna lead you on, i would only be able to hang out once in a while".

That screams that she's feeling that you're getting emotionally invested, and that she doesn't want to feel responsible for your feelings.

Always remember that people, both men and women, respond to pleasure not pressure. When they start to feel the pressure they will back it out. It's that simple. All the rest (excuses, flaking, LJBF) is just noise.

"i really like hanging out with you, but I didn't work this hard to get into this program to barely pass, etc. etc." She brought up the whole "i told you I'd be a good girlfriend" line, and explained to me she throws herself into relationships and if that happens, she would put school and everything else second to that.

That's obviously contradictory and PURE BS. Don't waste a second of your life thinking any of this is true.

I had the same thing said to me a while ago by one of my plates. She knew I was seeing other girls, quite often I was unavailable, she would complain that everyone else would jump at the chance of being with her, etc... When we stopped going out and having sex, I've asked if she was ok and she went on and on how she would've done anything to be with me, she would have thrown herself into the relationship, blah blah blah...

In the end she told me she was getting back with her ex...

The point is: girls will try to make you feel guilty to regain control even after a relationship is over. In your case it seems just that she's taking you for granted, and using the 'I'd be a good girlfriend' line to be on the winning side (because some of your DJing did work)...

Trust me, it's a bunch of BS...

As for showing interest without saying, it gets easier with time but it's self-explanatory. I did think you sounded a bit like pleading for things to continue. Usually throwing things in the air works better like 'ok, great... it's good to know that we're on the same page...' and let HER wonder if things would continue...

At the present, I'd suggest to move on, date other girls... and keep interactions with this girl to a minimum if they happen at all... like be very fun, show that's great to talk to her, but at the same time restrict her access to your time...

(a lot of people would rec NC here... I have a different view...)

Good luck.

 

[ne0phyte]

thanks tafakna, that makes a lot of sense. i guess i misread the whole situation. After the first time she said "I'd be a good girlfriend" and before she started being "too busy", i offered to cook her dinner (but i never did) since she had done so much for me over the past month and a half. I did try to make it a point to say i was just doing it to show appreciation though. When I got her ice cream after she got her stuff stolen, i bet that helped "confirm" her view of my emotional investment and made her feel even more pressured. Should have just hung back.

I'm curious though, does a guy only do stuff (like cook her dinner) after the girl makes it super obvious that she wants more? I thought she was hinting, and at the same time, that it also wouldn't matter, because she came on to me so strong. Our first date was her coming over and cooking steak dinner for me. then she would surprise me with lunch a few times at school. after a month and a half i offer to cook her dinner, and suddenly I'm pressuring her? haha I definitely got more to learn about women.

and thanks for the tips about how to close it better. Next time/girl, i'll definitely just not even bring it up and leave it in the air. I was improvising on the go haha. And my plan is basically what you said. I'll say hi to her every once in a while when I pass her in the hallways, but not spend anytime with her. this one's done. another learning experience

 

[perseverance]

I'd never cook for a woman unless she was my girl. I think you made the mistake that we all make of investing too much time and effort on a girl in the early stages.

This thread is a prime example of how quickly a woman's feelings can change which is why striking while the iron is hot is vital and which is why you need to seize the opportunities as they arise - if a girl is really into you and you're into them I fail to see why you'd back off and play it cool? If it was me I would be trying to build the sexual tension and chemistry by constantly stoking the embers of the fire. I'd rather get rejected for trying to build a bonfire as opposed to a small fire.

 

[ne0phyte]

i'm pretty sure i was balancing it pretty well at first between stroking the fire and keeping cool. the way i see it, i always kept her wanting more. She would be at clubs at her friends, and she'd call me to to tell me she found the club to be boring and wanted to see me. she drove herself to me. I'd send her texts loaded with innuendo during the day and she'd stop over for a little afternoon delight haha.

the whole time, where i was just sexual and not being a gentleman, she practically threw herself at me. , the moment i started reciprocating (ie, hey i appreciated that you cooked dinner for me, how bout i do the same?), the interest disappeared and suddenly she wants to focus on school.

 

[tafakna]

I'm curious though, does a guy only do stuff (like cook her dinner) after the girl makes it super obvious that she wants more? I thought she was hinting, and at the same time, that it also wouldn't matter, because she came on to me so strong.

The girl is obviously confused, but then again they quite often are.

But it's quite clear that it was not only the ice-cream or the dinner, you probably let out other signs that made her think you were too interested for her to be comfortable.

 

[perseverance]

i'm pretty sure i was balancing it pretty well at first between stroking the fire and keeping cool. the way i see it, i always kept her wanting more. She would be at clubs at her friends, and she'd call me to to tell me she found the club to be boring and wanted to see me. she drove herself to me. I'd send her texts loaded with innuendo during the day and she'd stop over for a little afternoon delight haha.

the whole time, where i was just sexual and not being a gentleman, she practically threw herself at me. , the moment i started reciprocating (ie, hey i appreciated that you cooked dinner for me, how bout i do the same?), the interest disappeared and suddenly she wants to focus on school.

Did you have sex with her at all?

I have noticed that if a girl puts you in a category it's almost impossible to get out of that category. I'm guessing you were in the "Random hook up" category, but when she realised you wanted something more serious, she decided to shut things down.

 

[TopGun2000]

As expected then.

She indeed was thinking that you were getting too close/clingy, even though you thought you were playing it cool. The statement below says it all:



That screams that she's feeling that you're getting emotionally invested, and that she doesn't want to feel responsible for your feelings.

Always remember that people, both men and women, respond to pleasure not pressure. When they start to feel the pressure they will back it out. It's that simple. All the rest (excuses, flaking, LJBF) is just noise.




That's obviously contradictory and PURE BS. Don't waste a second of your life thinking any of this is true.

I had the same thing said to me a while ago by one of my plates. She knew I was seeing other girls, quite often I was unavailable, she would complain that everyone else would jump at the chance of being with her, etc... When we stopped going out and having sex, I've asked if she was ok and she went on and on how she would've done anything to be with me, she would have thrown herself into the relationship, blah blah blah...

In the end she told me she was getting back with her ex...

The point is: girls will try to make you feel guilty to regain control even after a relationship is over. In your case it seems just that she's taking you for granted, and using the 'I'd be a good girlfriend' line to be on the winning side (because some of your DJing did work)...

Trust me, it's a bunch of BS...

As for showing interest without saying, it gets easier with time but it's self-explanatory. I did think you sounded a bit like pleading for things to continue. Usually throwing things in the air works better like 'ok, great... it's good to know that we're on the same page...' and let HER wonder if things would continue...

At the present, I'd suggest to move on, date other girls... and keep interactions with this girl to a minimum if they happen at all... like be very fun, show that's great to talk to her, but at the same time restrict her access to your time...

(a lot of people would rec NC here... I have a different view...)

Good luck.

words are cheap

my first gf kept telling me she's great wife material. she's married to another guy only a few months after moving to another city. ironically she contacted me wanting to get back together even after she had a child. :nono:

so their words mean nothing. now i know she's BPD though.

 

[ne0phyte]

well thanks for all the input guys. yes peseverance, we did, but i didn't get a sense that was all she wanted. in the mornings, she would ask me about my dating history, how many girls i slept with etc, and get mad because she felt "i dont know anything about you".

anyway, it's done now. thanks for the input everyone, and i'll keep in mind what i learned from this one. i'm not gonna reciprocate that much. that way the the girl will always want more

 

[Alex DeLarge]

I've had cases where the woman was emotionally invested in me at first. Then I figure "Ok, it's cool to be emotionally invested in this too".. Then a week later the girl stops talking to me and I never hear from her again until she's blackout drunk and horny one night and wants to get some action. Pathetic.

 

[perseverance]

well thanks for all the input guys. yes peseverance, we did, but i didn't get a sense that was all she wanted. in the mornings, she would ask me about my dating history, how many girls i slept with etc, and get mad because she felt "i dont know anything about you".

anyway, it's done now. thanks for the input everyone, and i'll keep in mind what i learned from this one. i'm not gonna reciprocate that much. that way the the girl will always want more

My guess is that she's got another man on the go - not too worry, you got laid out of it and you had fun while it lasted.