Met a 'Nice Girl'...Losing Myself

[Delly2000]

I will try to keep this brief. I met a good looking girl out. Got her number and took her to dinner and drinks. I have to admit I bedded her relatively quickly. But things are moving really fast and I am not sure how to slow them down.

A few months ago..like spring I broke up with this hot babe. Some may remmember the thread. She was cool in the beggining but ended up being horrible and was dating others etc (so was I). But she was a liar. Had no job. Had a kid. No degrees or anything. But she was smoking hot!!!

Now the one I am dating right now. She is pretty attractive. Down to earth type of girl. Very loving. Easy to get along with. She has a PHD. Her own car. Her own apartment. No Kids!!! Body wise she has her flaws but isn't grossly overweight. Very cute. I think the reason she is so easy to get along with is that she is a former fat girl. Nice to look at her smile when u wake up in the morning. But here is the deal.

Things are moving really fast. Only known each other for a month and she ironed my clothes this morning and took me to work as I was running late. Also she wants to know when we are going to cook (she wants to cook for me). Also she reaches out often (usually a text or something...this kills me being a challenge).

Any thoughts on how I can handle this one? When things go real fast is that always indicative of a red flag? Is there a way I can slow things down without it seeming like a shock to her system?

I just want to ensure that she likes me for me and not the "idea" of me. I dont want to be a fool rushing in. As truth be told a month is hardly enough time to know someone. Cautiously optomistic.

 

[The_411]

There are a lot of ways of handling this situation. You have the upper hand so make sure you keep it. Also if she pushes for something you're not comfortable with then either decline or tell her. Just amke sure you don't agree to something you're not sure of and don't speed yourself up for the sake of agreeing or what not.

Always remain in control and trust your gut and never be afraid to end things. Do not stay if you're not into it and never stay because you can't end it.

It's like anything else one someone pushes you too quickly you have the right to say not ready etc.

 

[scrouds]

Don't be afraid of intimacy, but don't be too complacant either.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but be aware of soldiers hiding inside.

Don't be afraid to get rid of her if its not working out.

So yeah, like 411 said. Trust your gut.
----

How old. I'll put down for 37. She hit the wall at 30, lost weight and now wants to lock something down before its too late.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

l would say this is common thing right, we meet someone hit it off and things start moving rocket speed -- and slowing it down can throw off the others momentum, there is somehow a dynamic in finding that same groove at the same tempo...she's tapping too fast...what if you tell her [verbally] you'd like to slow it down? ie, "I dig where this is going, but let's move a bit slower and get to better know each other" ... << What do other posters think of this?

If anything sounds like she is on the side of an AFC female (I don't think that's a bad thing at all), and having been overweight, she knows what it's like not to be worshipped as a princess or sought only for sex -- she's had to build her ego and self identity around other aspects of herself (I think this is good)...you may have a woman who will really do a great deal for you...seems like the frame is in your grasp, but do not lose yourself in the process, your feelings of caution is a good indicator. 4 weeks is not long.

Another idea: you could distance meeting-hangout-plans as well, keep it to 2-3x a week when you meet, do great and fun things, but keep a bit of that distance/buffer to keep things from getting too serious in a month...

I myself at 26 have only had 2 serious LTRS...: 1 moved very slowly, other moved very quickly...neither of these worked well! [granted my age/life-place/level-of-afc-behavior-in-said-relationship likely differs from you entirely] Some relationships could just have their lifespan too...their acceleration phase...their breakdown phase...if one person brakes too hard it may really change whatever dynamic you have right now.

I definitely understand the feeling of wanting to just "go with it" and the "brakes hitting" sort of in the same motion -- I'd say you ought to judge what situations render which instinct and move that way...you have a right to be cautious.

 

[Boilermaker]

The ultimate opposition member Boilermaker has arrived:

OP sounds like a woman. ( or more like a high school girl ? )

and others are affirming his distorted view.

What exactly do you mean by slowing things down? Who invented this baby talk, and what exactly are you trying to do?

Congratulations you have a girlfriend. Now go Be occupied with something more important.

I'd start by looking up on Ayn Rand.

.. quit this loser attitude man, come on !

 

[The_411]

The ultimate opposition member Boilermaker has arrived:

OP sounds like a woman. ( or more like a high school girl ? )

and others are affirming his distorted view.

What exactly do you mean by slowing things down? Who invented this baby talk, and what exactly are you trying to do?

Congratulations you have a girlfriend. Now go Be occupied with something more important.

I'd start by looking up on Ayn Rand.

.. quit this loser attitude man, come on !

Eh what? No realtionship will go anywhere good if the guy isn't feeling good about it. He's expressing that he's not sure he's ready to be exclusive and he's not sure he's ready to move to the coupling stage. Why in the world wouldn't stay away from it?

Slowing it down means he's in control of himself. He's indicating he's not comfortable with what she wants in terms of demands. Why should go beta and succumb to her whims and desires if that's not what he wants. He hasn't said he's a submissive after all

 

[Delly2000]

Yeah,

Just want to take my time.

Actually I have read Ayn. Atlas Shrugged and Fountainhead. Not sure what you are getting at. Actually I think somehow I am displaying some of the protaginsits..(notabally Readern) views of not letting women deter him from his mission. And thus have a bit trepidation of spending too much time with this girl. I think thats what turned the girls on...they couldnt control the dudes.

@ Buddah...u make a good point of her being an AFC. Just seems like she putting herself out there too soon. Only been a month and she waking up in the morning and ironing my clothes for work. Thats big time relationship type stuff. Just want to make sure she isn't on the rebound or if this behavior isn't irratic or misplaced.

Thanks for the views.

 

[Zunder]

"Only known each other for a month and she ironed my clothes this morning and took me to work as I was running late. Also she wants to know when we are going to cook (she wants to cook for me). Also she reaches out often (usually a text or something...this kills me being a challenge)".


Whats the problem here? This sounds like the women actually cares about you and wants to please you....sounds like you are so used to insane bytches, that nice ones like this that iron your shirts are just not what you are used to.

Relax bro. Why u mad? Be cool.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

I second that. Relax, be cool, remain objective, and always ask yourself, "What would John Galt do?"

 

[Zunder]

I second that. Relax, be cool, remain objective, and always ask yourself, "What would John Galt do?"

Well you know I am gonna have to google John Galt now.
Never heard of him down here in Kiwi-land.

BTW for you Yanks - a Kiwi is an indigneous flightless bird native to New Zealand - its not a fvcking fruit as some american bytch tried to tell me once.
Thats just a ripoff name for Chinese Gooseberries.

Just felt like I needed to say that.

But I am not mad!

 

[Zunder]

Ahh - Ayn Rand.

 

[Aaron B]

she's trying to earn you

let her

its your job to make sure you don't get "too close too soon"

 

[Tazman]

If you feel like she's moving things too fast, just say so. Don't be afraid of hurting her feelings, sometimes you have to do/say things to people to clear the air for your own piece of mind, even if they don't want to hear it.

Basically, you need to nip it in the bud to save yourself any future awkwardness and/or frustrations from not being upfront and setting a precedence.

 

[Danton1975]

Tell her so?

Look...all this "If you think things are moving too fast tell her so" it's terribly unimaginative. Come on, you can be more subtle than that. Don't be a bore. Speaking plainly is not the language of seduction...I never get all this "talk to her", "Tell her" advice. Fellows...there is nothing a woman dislikes more than plain language. it just kills and destroys any mystery you have left. Tell her nothing in words...

So the question is how do you tell her or hint towards it? There are a million ways. Who says you must use words.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Delly,
Go to a darkened room,lie down,put a cool towel over your fevered brow....relaxe for an hour....The fit will pass.

 

[EastWind]

So let me just get this straight; you find a girl many of us here come across only once in a long while and you have something to object?

That said, I understand the feeling of "moving too fast", when you've been here and you know how wrong things can go if you let your former self back out...

The fact that you worry about "moving too fast" will probably keep you from doing so. Enjoy the ride. I'm jealous.

 

[Die Hard]

Give us an update, Delly!

 

[Delly2000]

Thanks for checking in. Thingsare still going good. Things don't feel as fast...possibly because we have more time in.

I took her to look for some furniture for my apartment last week and I wanted a trash can for my apartment. So on our next date she said she had a suprise for me and bought a trash can (with trash bags) and baked me some bread. I told her she didn't have to do that but she said she didn't mind. The bread was good and I shared it with my buddy and told her they liked it...which he did. Good bread. She can bake.

She wants to hang out more often but I come up with excuses of being busy. And that I can hang out in a few days and I get the intermittent I miss you's till the day.

Spent the whole day yesterday together. Had brunch at the beach. Played pool. Watched a soccer game and rented movies. She stayed over. Then called me today (maybe she missed me...but so soon?).

I really like her but I understand the importance of trying to maintain my "center". As good as it seems...my past experiences have told me that as much as I care I honestly don't know this girl and in my mind have to take it slow. But she seems like a good one.

 

[f283000]

EVERYONE! THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT POST IN THE HISTORY OF SOSUAVE!

For the first time in the history of Sosuave we have a guy actually complaining that a woman appears to be behaving too nice to him!

Men complain in this forum all day how because women are used to jerks and a**holes, and that they are struggling with women due to their good guy nature.

Now for the first time ever we have a guy that's having a problem being with what appears to be a really good quality woman!

You know women are bad now a days when meeting a good woman feels strange to us because of all the BDP's and nut cases we have dated in our lives.

We are becoming like the women that are turned off by nice guys! We becoming used to the drama, lies, bs, crazyness that bad women bring to our lives to the point that when we meet a good woman it feels strange and kinda turns us off.

This is a historic (and very scary) post...

 

[SecondHalf]

EVERYONE! THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT POST IN THE HISTORY OF SOSUAVE!

For the first time in the history of Sosuave we have a guy actually complaining that a woman appears to be behaving too nice to him!

Men complain in this forum all day how because women are used to jerks and a**holes, and that they are struggling with women due to their good guy nature.

Now for the first time ever we have a guy that's having a problem being with what appears to be a really good quality woman!

You know women are bad now a days when meeting a good woman feels strange to us because of all the BDP's and nut cases we have dated in our lives.

We are becoming like the women that are turned off by nice guys! We becoming used to the drama, lies, bs, crazyness that bad women bring to our lives to the point that when we meet a good woman it feels strange and kinda turns us off.

This is a historic (and very scary) post...

I think this is a very legitimate concern.
It shows that the OP has been disappointed a time or two and would like to ensure that he leads the relationship is a healthy direction at a healthy pace.

One of the main problems with being spoiled from a woman too soon, is that it shows an unrealistic IL. Kind of like a she-chump. Like the AFC who wants to categorize the relationship and clamp a secure ball and chain on her ankle.

The only thing you can really slow down is how quickly you get attached to this woman. Get hooked too soon, and her whirlwind IL might just go away just as quickly. Then where are you?

I speak from experience, I had one of those "stable" women turn on a dime.
I've been a woman's "contrast" to her previous husband (still in that one to a degree - maybe ... ).

Delly is being smart.
What does this woman want? Him or something else?
Everyone has an ulterior motive.
Mother Teresa is 'uber giving because she wants to feel good about herself.

Better to protect yourself until you're sure (then keep protecting it anyway!).

SH