MEETING "Miss Right"

[Sting]

"Here's the unglamorous truth - You choose 'the one' as part of a careful long-term strategic plan." -- WildThang

I couldn't have said it better myself. Of course, doing so goes against the concepts of "chance meeting" or "love at first sight."

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It could happen to you, just like it happened to me, there is simply no immunity, there's no guarantee...

 

[DJ de Florida]

Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
There is not ONE special woman, there are many special women out there.

Bingo


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****
Don Juan de Florida

 

[Jake Steed]

Amen, WildThang.

 

[DeepBlue]

WildThang wrote:
But if a guy can keep *his* hormones under control, intelligent strategy is a real strong point. So this is one thing us guys need to work out for ourselves.

All the AFCs are going to hate this idea, because they still believe 'the one' lives in a castle somewhere and needs to be rescued from it, or some other immature shyt like that. They meet, lightning strikes, somewhere music starts playing, and everyone lives happily ever after.

But think about this for a second - would you make any other decision in your life like that?


See, this is the kind of thing we need more of in this thread.

But keep in mind that one tricky thing about these lists of ideal qualities we create for ourselves is: what are you going to do when you meet a woman who fits everything on your list, except for some inexplicable reason you just aren't attracted to her?

I don't think that scenario will work, so you need BOTH. Emotional attraction, and the qualities that you rationally deem necessary.

Of course, typically you have the reverse scenario, where you meet a woman that you are overwhelmingly attracted to, and then suddenly you are making her fit your list.

Oh, yeah, well, she's kinda irrresponsible, but, I mean she's trying, nobody's perfect, etc. That's why they say "love is blind".

In any event, I think it's a good observation that part of the answer is to learn to pay more attention to qualities that you rationally know are important, and develop the discipline to give more weight to your better judgement, rather than acting as if your emotions were the only thing that matters.

However, I also believe that the biggest challenge of all isn't determining what qualities one wants or needs in a woman, even though that is important. The biggest challenge is in finding women who have those qualities. That is where our wish lists intersect with reality.

So that is the thing I'm especially hoping we can get some insight into. What sorts of practical things can a man do, to increase his odds of finding women that he is highly compatible with? It's a challenging question.

DeepBlue


[This message has been edited by DeepBlue (edited 04-18-2002).]

 

[Gipper]

Wildthang,

Very well said!

I think you pretty much nailed my view on this, you just said it better.

"But when you're around a high quality chick other things in your life, especially work and career, will get easier."

Yep. If you've got a good chick, it all seems effortless.

"Here's the unglamorous truth - You choose 'the one' as part of a careful long-term strategic plan."

Gotta have a plan, and that plan had better include dating a lot of chicks!

Then DeepBlue throws this monkey wrench into things...

But keep in mind that one tricky thing about these lists of ideal qualities we create for ourselves is: what are you going to do when you meet a woman who fits everything on your list, except for some inexplicable reason you just aren't attracted to her?

I'm not sure I understand. If she meets all the qualities that I set down as a suitable chick, how could I not be attracted to her?

And finally...

So that is the thing I'm especially hoping we can get some insight into. What sorts of practical things can a man do, to increase his odds of finding women that he is highly compatible with? It's a challenging question.

I don't see any way around it; you have to go with as much quantity and quality as you can. Date as many women as you can schedule, and weed them out ruthlessly.

Gipper





------------------
"There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know you're money, and that you want to party.
-Trent, from "Swingers"

"Keep your girlfriend away from me,
Just advice I’m giving you for free,
Wanna have every thing I see,
So keep your girlfriend away from me..."
-Local H, from "Here Comes The Zoo"

 

[DiamondMind]

Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
Just because someone attends church every weekend doesn't automatically make them a good person.

My dad always says, "Going to church every week doesn't turn you into a better person, just like going to a garage once a week wouldn't turn you into a car."

TGIF!

 

[VeryBadGirl]

WildThang,

That was a great post. I have been trying to tell people (in life, over at gp.com) what makes a good relationship for awhile. I am glad that I am not the only one who gets it.

VBG

 

[DeepBlue]

Gipper wrote:

Then DeepBlue throws this monkey wrench into things...

But keep in mind that one tricky thing about these lists of ideal qualities we create for ourselves is: what are you going to do when you meet a woman who fits everything on your list, except for some inexplicable reason you just aren't attracted to her?

I'm not sure I understand. If she meets all the qualities that I set down as a suitable chick, how could I not be attracted to her?


Here's why. The main reason we create lists of qualities to look for, is because we are trying to remind ourselves that those qualities are important (for compatibility for instance). And the reason we have to remind ourselves is because they are things we don't typically give much weight to when we first meet someone. We're just trying to tell ourselves, "hey, look for this and give it some weight. It matters!"

So for me, that is the very definition of the "reminder list". Those things that we *don't* usually give much weight to up front. Up front our decision automatically tends to be heavily weighted towards our feelings of attraction so that's the one thing that doesn't need to be on a "reminder list".

The scenario then, is that you meet a woman and she's kind of attractive--just enough for you to decide to get to know her better. So you spend some time with her and in the process you discover that two things. One is that she amazingly fits all the things on your "reminder list". The other is that emotionally you're just not attracted to her.

Anyway, I said both are important. Another way of saying it is that feelings of attraction need to be on the list too. But to me it just seems silly to be putting that on my reminder list, as if I had to remind myself to look for "feelings of attraction".



And finally...

So that is the thing I'm especially hoping we can get some insight into. What sorts of practical things can a man do, to increase his odds of finding women that he is highly compatible with? It's a challenging question.

I don't see any way around it; you have to go with as much quantity and quality as you can. Date as many women as you can schedule, and weed them out ruthlessly.


There are other things. Like I said, where you go to meet women is one factor. For instance, if the only place you go to meet women are nightclubs where it's dark, noisy, and you both had too much to drink, that reduces your ability to accurately "intuit" what the other person is really like. Consequently, it increases the probability of you matching up based on superficial surface characteristics, rather than any deeper chemistry.

So you need to meet women in places where that "deeper chemistry" has a chance to come into play, to exhibit itself. I think that happens in more natural settings. Like meeting in a bookstore for instance.

Okay, so once you are meeting women in the right type of setting--settings where the subtler aspects of your personalities are not going to be drowned out by loud music, dim lighting, and alcohol, then the next step is to see what sorts of things you can do to more fully express the person that you are.

This is one of the advantages of being with a friend--much of who we are gets expressed through interaction. But, the clothes you choose to wear, for instance can also say a little about you. Some book you have with you. Etc. The point is to let the women out there help you in this process. Because THEY are also looking for good chemistry. And if you do a good job of expressing yourself, and convey to the world out there, who you are inside then women who happen to "mesh" with that will respond to it by going out of their way to make themselves more available.

It won't make women pick you up--that is the AFC's fantasy--but it WILL serve to filter OUT those women who DON'T have good chemistry with you, and that can only help you do a better job of finding the ones who do.

Anyway, these are the sorts of things that I have come up with so far.

DeepBlue

 

[Gipper]

Hmmm. OK, DeepBlue, I think you said:

The scenario then, is that you meet a woman and she's kind of attractive--just enough for you to decide to get to know her better. So you spend some time with her and in the process you discover that two things. One is that she amazingly fits all the things on your "reminder list". The other is that emotionally you're just not attracted to her.

I'm not sure what "emotion" I'm supposed to be attracted to her with, but I think this "emotion" is similar to my point # 6:

Rapport, or that certain “chemistry” - This one is hard to pin down. Sometimes it just feels right; you get good “vibes” from a chick. Very rare, yet one thing that I feel is essential to maintaining a LTR.

We may be talking about the same thing here; I'm not sure though.

Gipper




------------------
"There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know you're money, and that you want to party.
-Trent, from "Swingers"

"Keep your girlfriend away from me,
Just advice I’m giving you for free,
Wanna have every thing I see,
So keep your girlfriend away from me..."
-Local H, from "Here Comes The Zoo"

 

[Gipper]

DeepBlue wrote:
And if you do a good job of expressing yourself, and convey to the world out there, who you are inside then women who happen to "mesh" with that will respond to it by going out of their way to make themselves more available.

This is helpful when meeting chicks.

I've met a number of women while doing activities I would be doing anyway, regardless of whether or not I was interested in a chick. Rock climbing, concerts, grocery shopping (a personal favorite pick up location) were all things I was going to do anyway; I just used that opportunity to strike up a conversation. If the rapport was decent, I followed up.

Gipper

------------------
"There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know you're money, and that you want to party.
-Trent, from "Swingers"

"Keep your girlfriend away from me,
Just advice I’m giving you for free,
Wanna have every thing I see,
So keep your girlfriend away from me..."
-Local H, from "Here Comes The Zoo"

 

[Lawrence]

Hi Gipper,

I understand what you mean but if you have to understand that any girl can be your friend (Miss Right) but when you talk about LTR then it's different.

In a LTR then of course you have to look for qualities but she will also be looking for qualities of youe too. It's more like when couples are married that we can see this but other then the dating game well..what more can be said? Sometimes it works out to marriage and sometimes it does'nt.

 

[JUST ME]

no such thing as "ms.right".Only ms. right NOW.

 

[DeepBlue]

Just Me wrote:
no such thing as "ms.right".Only ms. right NOW.


Ack! It isn't, "there's no such thing as". You're supposed to say "I'm not looking for..." That way it sounds funny.

The line is supposed to go:
"I'm not looking for Miss Right! I'm looking for Miss Right Now!"

DeepBlue

 

[DeepBlue]

Okay guys,
So far I count a total of 7 people interested in this topic.

I'm thinking once we establish who here is genuinely interested in the topic, we can have a serious discussion about it--someplace else.

Meaning someplace where we can share ideas on the topic and bounce those ideas off each other without feeling like every other post is going to be a recovering AFC interupting to explain what we already know...that there "isn't just ONE special woman out there", blah, blah.

The 7:
Gipper
Don the Legend
Wild Thang
Don Napolitano
Jake Steed (maybe)
Sting (maybe)
VeryBadGirl

Are all of you interested in having an UNinterrupted (private) discussion about this topic, if we can figure out a way to do it? Let me know.

DeepBlue

 

[Kodak]

This topic reminds me of a quote: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

I like Survivor's post "The Relationship Begins Before You Meet Her" http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000507.html

My thinking is, just let it be. Many or all of the good things in my life seem to occur through serendipity. It's like the old idea that you will find love when you aren't looking for it.

Prepare yourself through reading this website and through dating (and working out, going to school, getting a good job, pursuing your dreams, etc.). And then some day you'll just kind of find your Ms. Right. You may not even recognize her at first. But as time goes by, you'll both notice that you enjoy being with each other more than being apart.

Hmm, does this sound right to you guys, I feel like I'm going AFC again....

 

[Maximus]

Originally posted by DeepBlue:
So that is the thing I'm especially hoping we can get some insight into. What sorts of practical things can a man do, to increase his odds of finding women that he is highly compatible with? It's a challenging question.

Ok. Here’s my take.

Passion…. Passion…. Passion.

Know your passion in life and pursue it.

If a woman comes into your life who shares your passion, you can observe her and see how serious she is about LEARNING NEW THINGS and GIVING SOMETHING A GOOD TRY before deciding it's not for her.

People today don't stick to anything if they have only a passing interest in it. The same goes for relationships I think.

If a woman comes into your life with HER OWN passion (separate from yours), you will recognize if it is authentic because you will see something in her that you recognize in yourself.

People with a life passion also have a passion for life itself. What are the qualities of a person with passion?
- detemination
- conviction
- depth
- complexity
- compassion
- empathy
- loyalty
- honor
- respect
- openness
- articulate

All the above qualities will exist in someone who has a passion that they use as a lodestone to guide them through life’s complexities. If someone has more than one passion, you will find that there is one that is foremost. All the others exist to supplement and enrich the core passion.

Someone with passion can converse and ruminate on just about any subject. You only need to FIND ONE THING YOUR GOOD AT to discover your passion. For some they discover hula hooping at 5. When this passionate hula hooper talks, she can equate hula hooping to living a full and satisfying life.

How do you choose a passion? Not easily. You have to pick something and stick with it. Not for a week, a month, a year. A passion in life is a life choice. I feel you will know if you have found it if after 5 years you still have the same "jump" to do your passion as you did the very first day you tried it. If you pass this test, there is a good chance you are "stuck" ;-) for life with this passion. Something that makes you truly happy.

For me, martial arts has had a tremendous impact on my life and attitude. I have always known I was a passionate person, I just did not have a vehicle to express it.

And you know what?

We all have the capacity to bring passion into our lives.

If I would have had the opportunity to be exposed to martial arts as a kid, I know I would be a very different person today. But that is not the point. The point is I have found a passion NOW, two in fact, that really make me happy. Just the other day my sensei asked if I was on SPEED or something because of the high energy and spirit I had after the practice session. I said, "Nope, I love this stuff. I feel great". I have also noticed a change in the way people act around me, men and women.

Find your passion.

When you know your passion, you can start to look for a woman with passion.

When you find her, you will know if it is authentic because you recognize yourself within her.

If you both have a passion in life, there is a good chance you have many of the same attitudes to life and happiness.

All that’s left is to make a choice to share each others passion for life, one day at a time.

Is there a guarantee that you will be together one week, one month, one year from the day you first met?

Of course not.

But a woman with passion will give you one hell of an honest try, and also realize that life is too short to waste on someone she has no passion for. You will know if her heart is set on you.

Trust your gut until SHE PROVES YOU WRONG by her actions, not words.

Then move on.

That's all I have to say on your subject Deepblue.

Maximus


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The Way of The
Simpleton - A
simpleton: lays down
no first law, takes
everything that
happens as it comes.
The simplicity of the
truly sophisticated.

---- Bruce Lee

[This message has been edited by Maximus (edited 04-22-2002).]

 

[DeepBlue]

Maximus wrote:
People with a life passion also have a passion for life itself. What are the qualities of a person with passion?
- detemination
- conviction
- depth
- complexity
- compassion
- empathy
- loyalty
- honor
- respect
- openness
- articulate


It sounds like you're making a couple of points here, and one of them is this:
How a woman is towards other things in her life is how she will be towards you.

For instance, if she is passionate about even just one thing in her life, it shows that she has the potential to be passionate towards other things as well--including her relationship with you.

Secondly, you are saying that a woman who is truly passionate about something in her life (e.g., a hobby) usually has other qualities as well.

Some of these qualities serve to support her passionate interest--qualities such as conviction, determination, respect, loyalty, etc.

And some qualities accompany a passionate nature not because they are needed as an adjunct, but because they have much in common with passion itself--for instance empathy and compassion.

Thanks!

DeepBlue


[This message has been edited by DeepBlue (edited 04-22-2002).]

 

[Maximus]

Originally posted by DeepBlue:

How a woman is towards other things in her life is how she will be towards you.

Exactly.

Or at least there is a GOOD CHANCE of that happening. I would like to think the odds are stacked much better in your favour if she has something in her life, whatever it is, that makes her happy. You will simply be icing on the cake, and vice versa.

The only thorn to watch out for is that her passion is not all encompassing. I.e. No room for compromise or time away from said passion. The ones with insanely high competitive drive or plain disinterest in anything else are not qualities I want in a woman.

Ya gotta find that life balance.

Maximus

 

[DeepBlue]

Maximus wrote:
The only thorn to watch out for is that her passion is not all encompassing. I.e. No room for compromise or time away from said passion. The ones with insanely high competitive drive or plain disinterest in anything else are not qualities I want in a woman.


I've encountered some women like that.

One type consists of those "career women" who are trying for some reason to fit the traditional male image of success, and they'll always be doing things like "penciling you in" to their daytimers so you can "do lunch" and in the meantime they'll be juggling calls on their cell phone because they've absolutely got to schedule an important business meeting. Some guys seem to like those women, but I find them too unfeminine and a turn off.

A less common example is the born again christian chick who is so passionately in love with this other guy (Jesus) that she has no passion left over for you.

Also, it matters WHAT a woman is passionate about. I've met some women who were passionate about feminism. I probably set a speed record in how quickly I lost interest.

DeepBlue

 

[Maximus]

Originally posted by DeepBlue:
I've encountered some women like that.

...trying for some reason to fit the traditional male image of success,

Uggh

..."penciling you in" to their daytimers so you can "do lunch"

Uggh

.... juggling calls on their cell phone

Uggh

Some guys seem to like those women, but I find them too UNFEMININE and a turn off.

Totally.

She can be ambitious, no problem there, but come on. If she has no idea what life balance is now, can you imagine her when she becomes TRULY successfull?

I made the mistake of letting my mouth run before thinking the other night. I happened to mention that I thought feminism set relations between the sexes back years and would not date a feminist. There was one woman there that I thought was a feminist (whom I consider a friend and still do) but that "slip of the tongue" confirmed my suspicions. Total feminist. Women have all the power, etc. We really did not get into it and I am glad because while I value her friendship, I am not one to back down from my beliefs. The way she reacted was also very close minded to the whole idea of even discussing it without "the claws" being unleashed.

Here is something interesting. The basic tenet of feminsm is to call them a woman, not a lady, etc.

Why would they want to choose a word with MAN in it to encapsulate the spirit of femininity?

Funny huh.

A less common example is the born again christian chick who is so passionately in love with this other guy (Jesus) that she has no passion left over for you.

Here is a question I will go to hell for.

Is it possible that Jesus could have been the ultimate DJ? The ultimate challenge?

Correct me if I'm wrong but it does not mention anywhere in the good book that he believed in celibacy does it?

Dear Lord, please forgive me my sins....

Also, it matters WHAT a woman is passionate about. I've met some women who were passionate about feminism. I probably set a speed record in how quickly I lost interest.

DeepBlue

Yep.

They can scream all they want but I WANT a lady with self-confidence and self-respect.

Not a woMAN who HATES a man for being.... well.... a man.

Basic human respect, equal pay for equal work and opportunity for advancement in all areas of life are the only points that need to be kept from that remnant of a philosophy.

Maximus

[This message has been edited by Maximus (edited 04-23-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Maximus (edited 04-23-2002).]

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[This message has been edited by Maximus (edited 04-23-2002).]