marrying a BPD

[darkstarrr]

My ex BPD was online all day yesterday in the messenger but I refused to send her a message. I swear I think she was waiting until I said something just so she could log out and try to mess with my head.

Now she is just some sort of case study for me.

Thanks for sharing. This exact same thing happened to me last week. Case study is a great way to look at it, I like that. These people are like 12 year olds inside adult bodies.

 

[decades]

The great thing is I don't care anymore! LOL, what these attention *****s will do for any attention is amazing!

And then she hasn't logged back into messenger since. I had her deleted but since I'm over it, I decided to put her back on there.

Now she is just some sort of case study for me.

wrong. when you really don't care, she is no longer even on your messenger, she is history. You are a long way from "there" bro. The first thing you did after coming home from a "great" date was, LOL, say hi to XBPDGF that you no longer care about! More likely, the truth is all you could think about on your date was "her" and what might she be up to tonight?

No, You are still "monitoring" her, you are still contacting her, you are still posting about her, you are still playing "head games" with her and her with you, you are open to being friends with her. Translation: you still care, and in fact are still in the Danger Zone with her. She just hasn't decided to "use" you yet. She's just toying with you for now. She could flip a switch and 6 days later you'd be a puddle in the middle of your bathroom floor.

 

[Heretolearn]

My ex BPD was online all day yesterday in the messenger but I refused to send her a message. So she just sat online all freaking day, and didn't send me a message either. She has never stayed online all day like that, EVER. Usually I will talk to her, and she says she's busy and then logs off.

But this time was different since I refused to say anything to her.

So finally hours later that night after I got back from a hot date, I decided to send her a "how you doing?" message.

Lo and behold, she logs out of the messenger right after I sent her the message!

I swear I think she was waiting until I said something just so she could log out and try to mess with my head. It could not have been a coincidence she was online all day and night and decided to log out as soon as I messaged her. Actually she has done this before and it used to really bother me. They will wait until you message them, and then logout. A total b!tch move.

And I verified she was actually offline, and she didn't just block me or anything like that.

The great thing is I don't care anymore! LOL, what these attention *****s will do for any attention is amazing!

And then she hasn't logged back into messenger since. I had her deleted but since I'm over it, I decided to put her back on there.

Now she is just some sort of case study for me.

Delete her, best thing you can do!!!!!

 

[Ballie]

I was married to one for 22 years, but she wasn't too bad unless she was was drunk - then the devil women came out. I was too scared to divorce her and leave her with the kids until till they were old enough. Maybe deep down I knew they would be harmed.

She totally mind fvcked me though before she left me - just before I was about to lose my job (so she thought). Took me a long time to get over the hurt though. But I have and am moving on with the help of a sane woman.

She has stopped drinking and does love her children - they are old enough anyway. She does still try to hurt me, but I ignore her rants now.

This is an old disease - just read Proverbs 5.

 

[Heretolearn]

I was married to one for 22 years, but she wasn't too bad unless she was was drunk - then the devil women came out. I was too scared to divorce her and leave her with the kids until till they were old enough. Maybe deep down I knew they would be harmed.

She totally mind fvcked me though before she left me - just before I was about to lose my job (so she thought). Took me a long time to get over the hurt though. But I have and am moving on with the help of a sane woman.

She has stopped drinking and does love her children - they are old enough anyway. She does still try to hurt me, but I ignore her rants now.

This is an old disease - just read Proverbs 5.

Sorry to hear that but good to see you are making the most of the situation.

 

[Mr. Me]

I suspect that this BPD tag is getting labeled onto lots of women that aren't necessarily BPD, but perhaps who demonstrate some of its traits, and it becomes an convenient way to dismiss them. In like manner, this is how women will label men to dismiss them, calling them emotionally unavailable, jaded or commitment phobic when the guy just isn't into her.

I have found it is HELPING me to keep playing games with her. Every time I see her and how she acts, I'm glad it didn't work out.

I know what you mean. Every time I stick my hand on the stove, it just proves to me why fire and flesh don't go well together.

 

[darkstarrr]

In like manner, this is how women will label men to dismiss them, calling them emotionally unavailable, jaded or commitment phobic when the guy just isn't into her.

This is a brilliant point that I have seen brought up a few other times on this board.

Can anyone with expert knowledge on the subject comment on how one can adequately and precisely make the differentiation?

I mean so what if she had a bad past and started having sex and doing drugs at 13, right? So what if she cheated on her last BF 5 times and whose dad is dying of kidney failure at 44 because he is a raging alcoholic and whose mother used to have a coke habit.. Maybe she just wasn't into me.

 

[Heretolearn]

This is a brilliant point that I have seen brought up a few other times on this board.

Can anyone with expert knowledge on the subject comment on how one can adequately and precisely make the differentiation?

I mean so what if she had a bad past and started having sex and doing drugs at 13, right? So what if she cheated on her last BF 5 times and whose dad is dying of kidney failure at 44 because he is a raging alcoholic and whose mother used to have a coke habit.. Maybe she just wasn't into me.

But I believe someone/ANYONE with that history would struggle to be INTO anyone more than their issues. Like going out with someone addicted to heroin. They may be really into you but the DRUG is really into them too so will they ever be able to act like they are totally into you when this vice is draining/dividing them...

 

[Mr. Me]

I mean so what if she had a bad past and started having sex and doing drugs at 13, right? So what if she cheated on her last BF 5 times and whose dad is dying of kidney failure at 44 because he is a raging alcoholic and whose mother used to have a coke habit.. Maybe she just wasn't into me.

What you're saying is: we can speculate and attribute her not being into the guy for a zillion reasons plus one when we go back into her life history. True.

And the thing about finding a basis in her history that may account for her behavior today, is that, once discovered, it still won't change anything. It's like finding the reason you can't pitch a ball today is because you broke your arm when you were 12. Now that we understand why you can't throw a ball properly, it still doesn't change the fact that you don't throw a ball properly.

Bottom line is that you're not going to be one of the top choices for the softball team, because we see how you pitch. We don't have to know at all why you pitch badly in order to make that decision.

Similarly, we can bottom line a girl's BEHAVIOR and make a decision based on that without knowing at all why she acts that way.

But we're human, and curious, and we like to know and understand the why of things; know what we're dealing with. There's some value in that. And that's why we explore things like outer space and BPD women.

I should add this however: if you know a gal's got a big f@ckup of a past, that's a huge red flag that she's most probably seriously damaged, and/or doesn't make good choices for herself, and doesn't qualify as LTR material. We're taught to think of the past as not relevant to the present or future ("But all that happened BEFORE I met her. It doesn't matter. That's in her past!"), but that's not the case at all. A person IS their past. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, because that's ingrained for years and the easiest behavior for them to resort to.

 

[darkstarrr]

And the thing about finding a basis in her history that may account for her behavior today, is that, once discovered, it still won't change anything.

------------

But we're human, and curious, and we like to know and understand the why of things; know what we're dealing with. There's some value in that. And that's why we explore things like outer space and BPD women.

Mr. Me your feedback helped me to realize why I asked the question in the first place. I have mentioned before during one of the final pieces of the major phase of mourning, particularly with PTSD related to an experience like this - is that there is a tendency to weigh in our minds "am i inadequate and ugly (self confidence / ego being shot) OR is the b1tch just crazy"?

During that process we may look for reassurance as we get back out into the field and try to start seeing new people. As we start eating normally again and are able to look at ourselves in the mirror without feeling terrible about ourselves with drooped eyes. On the flip side of the coin I mentioned above, this experience can lead some of us to recognize that the [bpd] who left has a natural tendency to leave over time. Being able to prove that phenomenon is true is helpful for survivors of these situations with bpds. It allows us to understand that we are not so ugly and inadequate. That of course we were not perfect in the relationship but what happened and the way it went down was not our fault.

That was my basis for asking the question.

It took me 3 months of looking at myself in the mirror each day: after my ex told me she is sick of my face, that she never loved me, for my eyes to undroop. I have never felt so terrible about myself in my entire life after she said those things and then I learned she was back with her coke head ex.

I will sign off this post with a link that will help you all to determine if you have really dealt with one of these wackos or if it is moreso just a protective measure your mind is playing on you (if you are just using the bpd label to make yourself feel better). With or without the infamous label, as Mr.Me and so many others have explained: a bad egg is a bad fvcking egg.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

You can take it for yourself or for another person (just make sure to answer honestly damnit).

Good luck.

 

[jophil28]

I will sign off this post with a link that will help you all to determine if you have really dealt with one of these wackos ....

IN the end it really is NOT important whether your ex "wacko" was a clinically certified/quailfied BPD or HPD . What matters is that she demonstrated SOME of the behavioral signs and symptoms which are associated with those disorders. IF so, then she is NOT fit for an LTR.

Furthermore do not expect much clarity from the counseling profession. Many "therapists" are reluctant to"label" disorders in their clients or their client's SO. Many also do not understand CLuster B behavior and some others are so PC or female "sensitive' that they discount the possibility that woman can behave so appalingly at all.
THis reluctance comes from some misguided belief that labeling is the same as demonizing. .These are the touchy feeling therapists who talk about your "difficulties with living" rather that call a disorder what it really is.

Years ago I did some lay drug and alcohol counseling with a local D&A agency.
It was common belief by its clients that only 'diagnosed alcoholics' needed treatment.
However my observation was always the same - even those who were still drinking in a troublesome way but who were not REAL alcoholics and merely 'heavy drinkers' or 'problem drinkers' were still doing enormous damage to their health and their marriages.
Damage was occuring long before the 'alcoholic' diagnosis was formerly made.

IN a similar way , women who may NOT meet the criteria for formal diagnosis of BPD or HPD, but who have SOME Cluster B traits, still do significant damage to the guys who are unfortunate enough to have bought their facade.

 

[darkstarrr]

IN the end it really is NOT important whether your ex "wacko" was a clinically certified/quailfied BPD or HPD . What matters is that she demonstrated SOME of the behavioral signs and symptoms which are associated with those disorders. IF so, then she is NOT fit for an LTR.

Very well said. The main precursor to my thoughts was that during the mourning process, often times where PTSD is present, an individual like myself can go through scenarios in their mind.

Its true that women can start spewing red flags left and right when they have decided they no longer want to be with you. The tricky in repairing a broken ego and self esteem is being able to come to the conclusion that just because she left for someone else and all that other jazz, that it doesn't mean there is something inherently wrong with you. Meaning, she's a wacko anyways so who cares.

So I suppose the question is whether or not she displayed the traits only after she made the decision to leave you, or if they were there all long. Either way who cares, right? Because as another wise poster said on another thread: she is not worth wifing up unless she is head over heels for you.

So, even if she is not clinically BPD as best as it can be diagnosed, it seems as though you're right either way... regardless of when and under what circumstances she dispalyed the traits, the mere fact that she did in a way that was directed at YOU, result in her being removed from that pool of potential life partners.

What a sick joke this relationship thing can be. :crackup:

 

[danny62]

Holy sh*t!!! This is like reading a horror novel. Unfortunately, I was also a main character in this plot. My soon to be ex is bpd and/or bipolar AND has other issues yet refuses to acknowledge them. I finally gave up trying. I have to agree with the comment made that there is some sort of 'force' or whatever that keeps you joined at the hip with this type of woman. Lot of similarities on this thread in regard to my situation. In the beginning, she was fantastic to be around. After a year or so.....oh man Its almost like a sick addiction that prevents you from walking away and yeah, this type of situation can SEVERELY damage your confidence, distort your thinking, interfere with your life and so on. Talk about shell-shock to probably coin one of VU's terms. Yeah, I'm not proud of the fact that I dealt with ALOT of these symptoms for way too long. The good part is that I hold very little bitterness and I'm being honest. I take into account the bad wiring she has plus nobody put a gun to my head to stick around for longer than I should have. This really is some scary sh*t that can royally fu*k up your life for years. Didn't suffer any financial damage as we are doing a no-fault, but the scars will remain for some time. I have to agree: Heed the advice of the previous posters of this thread or suffer the consequences. Wish I read this 18 months ago.

 

[danny62]

I also think that values and morals have deteriorated rapidly over the last several years. Don't want to make this a rant, but those ****n reality shows and other crap like that really do influence many people and it distorts their perception of what life is about. I'm 46, and man, let me tell you: This is NOT the same world that I grew up in. Lot has changed....and not for the better.

 

[Heretolearn]

Hey danny 62,

great posts. You come across as very positve all things considered. I hope you find a much better girl but these experiences really help you appreciate yourself too.

ALl the best!

 

[danny62]

Hey thanks. Yeah, I had to respond to this thread. It just jumped out at me. At least I know that there are plenty of guys out there that have gone through similar wars. Wow. I'm not even thinking about another relationship....Oh no,no, no!!! I need to get my sh*t straight first and there are some trips that I want to take and also pull in some good income over the next few months. I'm not a fall in love type of guy, well, except for my soon to be ex...go figure, and I don't have the time nor energy to recite my life story to a new woman plus having to watch for red flags and such. If I've learned anything at all from this thread its to watch for those red flags. Now I understand what 'qualifying' means. I think I heard this in Fight Club...Brad Pitt.....Something like "We are a generation of men raised by women. I'm not sure having another woman in our lives is the answer to our problems" Yeah, I do need the down time regarding that. .

 

[Heretolearn]

ya man, i dunno how i got the oneitis out of me but im kinda getting annoyed at my afc ex.

after 2 months of now contact she sends me this long email part 1 of how she misses me and loves me and how she treats her new bf (we got into some beef earlier but i just let it go since it was only in the end going to make me look like a retard) like the way she would treat me, yadda, yadda yadda. how she will never love anyone again because she gave everything to me, and that she's broken up with him and decided to be single.

i knew this was bull****, she probably wanted to do it but their minds are just so ****ed up so i just ignored it.

second part of the letter talked about how it was ****ed up to try to contact her family about her disease. she said we talked sh!t about her to her family and said all these lies...

w/e i only told them what she told me.

3rd and last part of the letter goes back to how much she wants to be with me and how much she misses me but can't tell anyone because she knows what they will say about me....(obviously..this b!tch goes around spreading rumors making me look like satan) she tells me she loves always and forever blah blah. and puts the date of the time we've been together.

she sends me a few other message after that about how the guy won't leave her alone and that she really needs me and she doesn't know how i can be so strong... i remember she did this to me last time and i fell for it but not this time. i just ignored it and low and behold they're back together again.

She did touch me a little bit with some parts of her letters and give me a little hope but i don't trust the b!tch anymore or most girls for that matter. the memories of her are slowly dwindling away the more she does sh!t like this and im glad.

If she was sane and when we ended our relationship by going seperate ways and instead of ****ing other guys and doing the bpd stuff she does she just focused on herself and getting her act together and sent me this letter 2 months from now... i think it would have earned her a second chance but as girls want us to change and if we do they give us a chance and if we don't they leave us, the same goes for men. if this b!tch manned up instead of being the trainwreck she is it could have been different.

Great post, well done.

But as for the last part, girls will NOT man up for herself. We have to do it ourselves which to me is the essence of this site and why I appreciate you guys sharing with me.

Well done on manning up on this one and making the right choice!

It helps inspire me.

 

[dippy doo]

did 6 years on and off with a BPD. saw the psychological report when i was 19 yrs old... but i was being treated so well i decided it was all a buncha bull****. 6 years later, all the traits were there. inability to understand the deeper emotions behind long term love. very little empathy. cheating. inability to be alone. very charming and convincing liar. bpd partners will shread you. they will find a way to make you believe that their behavior is justified due to faults about you.

they are notoriously hard to treat bc bpd's refuse to believe that they have a problem. bpd's are perfect in their own minds. they even trick their own therapists into believing they are normal! if you know your partner has a bpd, run. it'll hurt like hell but not as much as getting sucked into a codependent relationship where you're constantly blamed for everything, left, then dragged back into a relationship before you even know what happened! leave with some dignity!

and it's not your fault. they are notorious for getting what they want. they are very lavish and loving in the beginning. who wouldn't fall for that? then the switch flips and it's the silent hill of relationships.

 

[TonyBaloney]

THere are forces at work with these women which we cannot comprehend.

Wise words from the great Jophil

 

[PeakIV]

Guess what I found out today on the grapevine?

My ex-psycho cluster B got married 2 months after meeting a guy and she's pregnant!.

I just sat there and thought that poor barsteward,he has no idea, I wouldn't swap places with him for a million bucks.

I not only dodged a bullet, I dodged a whole magazine!