Married 19 years and thinking to get out

[Lex Luther]

In high school I never dated much. I was a chump and GFs didn't come as easy as I would have liked. I saw all my friends with easy hook-ups and GFs which made me jealous and reinforcing my beta mentality. I wanted to be affirmed that I was good enough by being able to hook-up and keep a GF. So the night of my high school graduation I hooked up with a girl that I had been friends with for years. She was attractive and I had a little crush on her. I quickly decided to turn her into my GF to affirm my sense of self worth.

I dated her exclusively all through college mainly because I did not have the confidence that I could date anyone else and enjoyed the sure thing sex source as I studied my ass off in school to better myself to get a good paying job. Again, I was a chump and fulfilling my chump self-perception. Needless to say, I used her.

Well, I graduated. What now? I had to make the choice to move on and face the cold cruel world of uncertainty or I can take the safe bet. I took the safe bet and asked my GF to marry me. I did not love her and I knew it. I felt that she earned the right of marriage for sticking by me during college when I was a chump and knew it. Basically, she loved me but I did not love her like I should. The day of my marriage I cried because I did not want to get married, but I felt of sense of obligation. So I did it.

I tried hard to be a good husband and provide a good life. We had 3 wonderful children and I progressed in my career. During our marriage we would have bad fights. We would go nuclear and threaten divorce, but nothing ever came of it. Nothing became physical, but we would emotionally hit below the belt. In retrospect, it was mainly my fault because I was not happy being married to her. I would look at my neighbors and ask myself whether they took the safe bet or really put themselves out there before choosing their wife. They seemed happy. So I pretended to be happy and lost myself in improving my career. I tried to be a good husband and so much wanted the Ozzie and Harriet life. Turns out, she was not Harriet and I was not Ozzie. The kids used to keep us together when they were babies, but now they are teens and becoming more independent. The glue of children holding our relationship together is weakening.

After 17 years of fidelity, this amazingly gorgeous woman that I work with started to come on to me right after my wife and I had yet another nuclear fallout. I ended up having an affair with this woman which still continues until this day (subject of another thread I will need help with) almost 2 years later.

I got caught with my mistress in bed at our house and moved out and now live with my father. Ironically, my wife wants to work things out and I just don't want to go back. I simply don't love my wife. In retrospect, I am probably the problem with most of the problems we had because of this. It is like I wanted to be caught by taking her to my house. I feel like I should feel bad because I don't feel guilty for doing it.

So, I am separated from my wife. Still messing around with my mistress whenever I can and have picked up another girl I mess around with as well. I am excited about my new found freedoms and want to break away from my previous AFC tendencies. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I should have listened to my gut before getting married, but here I am.

Now I need to make a decision. Do I get a divorce and devastate my family for my own personal happiness or do I do the responsible thing and play the family man part? I have great kids and don't want to ruin their lives, but once they are gone I will be married to a woman that I simply don't love. I go to therapy and they try to convince me that real love between a husband and wife is different and at a higher level. I don't want to believe that. I think you should at least be happy when you are with your partner, be it spouse or GF. I am not looking to end my marriage to be with one of these other women. In fact, I don't want to get married ever again if I divorce. I want women around as I enjoy their company. I am a man and like women. I want to meet as many as I can.

My wife told me I am having a midlife crisis. My response- I don't care.

I guess I rambled on for a bit, but I am really confused and would like some insights if any of you have gone through this.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Luther,
You are just leading your life backwards...why not go back for the sake of the Kids and have a few love interests on the side?

 

[Museite]

If you divorce, she's going to take you to the cleaners and rightly so.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

This all sounds a bit too little too late. But hardly an unusual story in this age of immediate gratification and seemingly endless choice and freedom.

I'mma not judge because I've made my share of mistakes too. Everyone has.

You should do what you think is going to make you happy in the long run, not just think about this new moment of freedom which (and your feeling about which) may not last.

If you think you won't ever be happy in your marriage, then go, because in the long run, you're only going to be hurting your family more. If you stay and continue to cheat, your wife (and extended family) will despise you and your kids will lose all respect for you.

However, what will you do? Move out of town? Or may be stay in town and be going out with other chicks for your family and friends to see. Personally I would go with the former. You might save a bit of love and respect from your family if you leave and make yourself scarce, but still look out for your kids.

Or may be you'll stay and accept the life that you have made. The sense of obligation you felt on your wedding day is understandable, but has been your ultimate failure.

This is not a case of just staying or going. You have to consider ALL the consequences of your actions now. And for the simple fact that you didn't 18 years ago.

As the others have attested, the dating game is not quite so straight-forward anymore, even for guys half your age. Womens' expectations are through the roof at the moment; hence the requirement for forums like this. If you leave you may end up a very lonely man.

I'll start you off with case fact number 1: your probably in or approaching your forties (?) and you live with your dad. You obviously don't have the option of your marital bed as a stop gap any more. How are you going to get laid?

You acted with your emotions all those years ago. Now it's time to act with logic and practicality.

 

[exhausted]

Quite pathetic all around

 

[The Duke]

Lex- you stated that in high school you "wanted to be affirmed that I was good enough by being able to hook-up". It seems you are still seeking affirmation from the opposite sex.

There is no long term satisfaction in hooking up with numerous women. Its shallow and temporary. And once you figure out the game of seduction, its really pretty lame.

I think I'd do some deep thinking and not jump into anything.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I don't think the OP is probably going to get consistent feedback on this one. It's kinda all over the place. I do agree with what brad stated previously, however, it's pretty obvious the OP's heart was not in it from the beginning.

So seriously guys, how the hell can you "step up" when you don't have the spirit, the drive, the gumption to see it through? To me, you simply can't.

The OP should have done what was best for himself early in his life in his 20s, but he didn't, now someone else who has stayed with him through life will have to deal with being single again too. BUT I don't entirely fault him there either because if he does stay with her, what kind of emotional damage will you have to deal with for...well...the rest of your life in that kind of marriage? That isn't a marriage.

Children are not the glue that holds a marriage together. They never have been and never will be and its sad that today so many people seem to think this way. Children are the product of such great love between a man and woman that they want another person, a child, to share in that wonderful life their love has made for them. Sound cliche or sappy? Well that's how I see it and it's practically drowned out today in the U.S. especially with our oversexed population and mass media. Social media sure as sh!t isn't helping either.

I think the OP believes like so many that going back to being a bachelor will be some great paradise with women coming and going like a revolving door, money rolling in, back to a carefree lifestyle that some teens enjoy. Some of that could happen, but most likely it won't turn out the way he thinks. I think the OP is at least being honest with himself in realizing this isn't what he wants and I dam sure hate anyone who tries to haul out that old, tired line of "manning up" and sticking it out for the family or whatever. F THAT NOISE! I sure as sh*t wouldn't want to live the rest of my life with a woman who'll try to cut me down as a man and emotionally destroy me.

My advice is, get the divorce and get it over with as quickly as you can and hopefully try to keep it civil. Realize you will probably lose some since Texas is a community property state. But the important point is to move on as quickly as you can too and be honest with what you want out of your life.

One last thing, don't try and ditch your kids through all of this because we dam sure don't need another guy doing that routine. We've got enough of that crap in this country already.

 

[jc_80]

eek! You're an a$$hole and not the kind to be proud of. Wanted your wife to see you with another woman? the truth is that many women will find you to be a man with baggage who couldn't make a marriage work. Right now you're attractive because ****ty women with no morals like that you're paying attention to them instead of your wife. You need to think about what this will do to your relationship with your kids, what they will think of you, what they will think of marriage and family. You really need to think about why you don't think you love your wife. Chances are high that you will realize she might be the one woman who truly loved you like no other will again and it will be too late. I don't know your wife so by all means if there is something really ****ty about her then leave her. But make sure you're not taking her for granted.

 

[Colossus]

Lex- you stated that in high school you "wanted to be affirmed that I was good enough by being able to hook-up". It seems you are still seeking affirmation from the opposite sex.

There is no long term satisfaction in hooking up with numerous women. Its shallow and temporary. And once you figure out the game of seduction, its really pretty lame.

I think I'd do some deep thinking and not jump into anything.

+1.

 

[channingtatum]

You're a weak man. What happens when this other woman you're having an affair with dumps you? You going to go pray on another seemingly good girl?Get help. Most guys love their wives and have reasonable intentions, but it just doesn't work because we're not wired to be with one woman or be with the same person for 20 years. My former brother in law did almost the exact same thing as you and now just found out he has ALS. Karma is real. Your son, if you have one, would be better off with a step father who is a real man. What are you going to teach him? How to live a life of lies? We don't need any more women or men like you.

 

[cordoncordon]

OP,

I'm going to say it because probably no one else will.

You are a very immature selfish man, and your family is better off without you. If you think most men get married because they're in love and not out of a sense of obligation, then I got news for you you're not the first case in history of this ever happening. You've devastated your wife, and ruined the lives of your children. You don't deserve a woman as good as your wife, who sticks with you through thick and thin supports you when you're nothing and nobody and still wants to make things work even though you've treated her like sh*t.

If you think marriage is all about love and that this fun ride you're currently on is what life is all about then I got some oceanfront property in North Dakota I can sell you. You say that you used to be a chump but you're still a chump. A real man doesn't do what you did. You basically lived a lie your whole life, and now you're about to embark on an even bigger lie, that of thinking the bachelor life is all that it's cracked up to be. If it was really this way, then men would never get married at all and we'd just hit clubs and fvck slvtty women our entire lives.

But that's not the reality.

Enjoy your ride while it lasts, because it will eventually come to a crashing halt. The way you act and treat your wife and family, reminds me a lot of how the biggest wh0res act and treat good people while rewarding scumbags. Bringing a dirty slvt into your own home, where your wife cooks you dinner and your children sleep and play? Thank god I didn't have a father like you or I'd have probably grown up to be a miserable failure.

You're basically the crazy wh0re woman that many noobs here complain about, and it's people like you that making dating and marriage so crappy and no longer feasible in this day and age. I would recommend you divorce your wife because you will never be happy in that family. Your family deserves to have a much better, caring father figure around then you.

Best of luck, let us know how this turns out.

I was going to write something very similar to this but you said it as well as can be expected Brad.

Op.......you seem like you have a lot of issues. I'll write more about them later.

 

[Çharismo]

You are basically the equivalent of a cheating wh0re that many men complain about here that ruined their marriage due to infidelity. You ruined your life and you obviously don't give a sh!t neither did you think properly. I never understand guys like you that have absolutely no self-control and do things at the whim of there emotions. No matter how "gorgeous" the women is if the conditions aren't right you shouldn't even think about cheating especially in a marriage.

On top of that you have the audacity to bring another idiot in to your house and got caught in the act. 19 years all down the drain...how does it feel?! I for one don't have any sympathy and I highly doubt any of the other posters have it either. It's one thing to ruin a marriage but it's a completely different thing to ruin a marriage with kids involved. You f**ked up it's simple as that. Once your kids start to grow up a little bit they will eventually figure things out. What will you tell them?!?

The main question is...what EXACTLY did you get out of doing this?! You basically busted a nut with another idiot to simplify things and ruined your life. Was it worth it!? On top of all of this you actually work with this woman.
How stupid are you!!? Wreckless is the word that comes to mind. First you ruined your marriage and worse comes to worse you might end up losing your job if it gets out.

Don't dip the pen in the company ink.

There isn't much advice to give you except to get a divorce and try not to drag this out too long. Make it easy for your wife and kids. Get your sh!t together. At the end of the day you will do as you please and I highly doubt that you will be happy even after this. :kick:

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear All,
Oh how nice it is to be judge and jury on this bloke...Those of you without sin then you cast the first stone.."there isn't much advice to give you except to get a divorce and try not to drag this out too long. Make it easy for your wife"...And the Kids Charismo?

 

[jc_80]

I don't think people judge him for wanting a divorce. People shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage. And I don't judge him for cheating. I cheated once and not proud of it. And so what if he was a chump in his youth. At least he admits it.

What's appalling is how reckless he's been. Wanting to get caught cheating and not caring about hurting his wife?

OP, divorce won't destroy your children, but having them witness you destroying your wife with infidelity will destroy your relationship with them. If you can't love your wife and be happy, then free both of you to find happiness and get a divorce done amicably for all involved. You spent years trying to be a good man by raising your children in a way you thought was right. Don't throw it all away being so cruel and careless. It will be much harder now that damage has been done. You have some major damage control ahead of you.

 

[bmp2cpm]

Let me get this straight....you have 3 women that want you and want to have sex with. You are married and your wife is not pressuring you for a divorce? And you can have sex with any one of these women whenever you want?

Honestly....it's not the worst problem to have in life. Right now, you have options.

Ignore all the shaming comments here. Fidelity, infidelity, and shaming others for infidelity are all sexual strategies that us humans have used for about 2 million years to get ahead to propagate the species. We are all capable of any strategy, given the circumstances. Contrary to popular belief, employing the "shaming" sex strategy does not make one more moral.

Figure out what is best for you. Best advice...know that while affair sex can be amazingly hot....once it moves into relationship mode, you will be back into the same kind of territory you are in with your wife right now. So be careful with your decision here.

Also.... a midlife crisis is a name women made up to shame men who wake up to the truth of the reality of women, their behavior, and the truth about marriage in modern times.

Good luck!

 

[expos]

You are in crisis mode and trying to make up for all the lost years. What you don’t realize is the path you are headed in now is a path of destruction and more pain.

Some thoughts:

Never date women you work with, ever. People look down at inter-office relationships. It reeks of un-professionalism, desperation, and laziness. You are always seeing the best side of the people you work with. Just because someone is good at their job and friendly, doesn't mean that they are good person at home. If I were you, I would take some time off from relationships and try to build yourself into a better person. You are at a heightened emotional state, you probably hate yourself, and you are making bad decisions. Time to drop out for awhile, focus on your career, maybe get a new hobby. No girlfriends for you for a long time.

Your marriage is over. It was over the minute you got with another woman. I would file for divorce, or have your wife do it. You don’t love your wife, and she doesn’t deserve the treatment you’ve given her. You are going to suffer financially, so be prepared.

From this day forward, you are going to open and honest with your kids about what has happened. They deserve to know what has happened. You should focus almost all of your energy to being the best father you can possibly be given the circumstances you have put yourself into. If you go into hiding, they will hate you even more. If you bring a new woman into their lives I will guarantee that they will hate her.

Get counseling. You have some issues. You might have to cycle through a number of shrinks to find one that works. Don’t see a female shrink, ever. They will not understand you. I sought counseling after my divorce and I found a guy who was brutally honest with me and got me motivated to start facing my issues. You need to be accountable for your actions.

Good luck and post back. NOW is the time you need to start making efforts to clean up your life.

 

[Epimanes]

Or... Go over to marriage builders.com and learn how to meet eachothers needs properly and dump the women who are luring you away.

I am a married guy and have been with my wife for 20 years... Yes.. Do the math. Since 15 and 16. Do you think it was all easy?... It wasn't. Still isn't ... Never will be. Whatever baggage you had with your wife will carry on to the next relationship and every other relationship after that. The common denominator will be you.

Any woman willing to break up a marriage with kids... Is not relationship material. What does that say about them?

Divorce your wife and then fix yourself before your hurt more people. Or fix the relationship you have. I gave you a good starting point at the top of this message.

Epi

 

[Rubirosa]

Dear All,
Oh how nice it is to be judge and jury on this bloke...Those of you without sin then you cast the first stone.."there isn't much advice to give you except to get a divorce and try not to drag this out too long. Make it easy for your wife"...And the Kids Charismo?

You beat me to it Scara........
The OP did not jump on this board saying that he was perfect. He was extremely honest about his actions and thoughts.....Maybe too honest, because it made great ammo for the responses. Yes, bedding the miistress in the family home was a terrible move, but how many times has the thing between our legs made us do irrational things that have had the potential to mess up our lives and the lives of others? Tough love is fine, but a poster shouldn't have to worry about being raked over the coals for being honest.

 

[Albatross953]

Second vote for marriage builders, but you're going to have a tough time either going or staying. Don't kid yourself, you've screwed up your life.

I don't think you're really prepared to help your wife recover your marriage. The people at MB will lay that out for you, but it won't be sugar coated.

 

[sodbuster]

The big thing everyone missed is he's not HAAAAAPY. So, the thinks Divorce will make him HAAAAAPY. You've never been happy in your life, it's always been one thing or another, one excuse or another.... WTF makes you think you will be EVER be happy? Get some help and learn to be happy with yourself and stop blaming your wife and kids.....