Marriage and dating issue - need advice.

[lamath]

You asked her to wear lingerie to hide her belly fat?.

Im not a expert but this might be a factor

i kind of did the same thing with ex ( she had been bugging me why i did not want as much sex as before lasted like 4 month until i told her it was a her weight) and man did the sex frequency drop, i felt bad about it for a long time.

 

[highSpeed]

I agree about lack of sex is a symptom because for the most part she has provide me with good sex for over 20 years whenever I asked. She always claimed that sex wasn't important to her (never got physical pleasure - orgasms) but was willing to keep me happy. We had regular "date nights" and I would try sometimes for an hour of foreplay and only a handful of times did I ever feel her "quiver" with what I thought could be an orgasm. Something changed in the last year or so and she started "taking away" parts of what I liked most such as I asked her to wear certain types of flattering lingerie to cover up her belly fat (says I should like her as she is), intercourse (says it hurts and was willing to give me head), then started complaining oral sex was taking to long (I liked marathon sessions). That's whenever I started talking about the option of finding sex through someone else (about 6 months ago). So yea, what changed and she started withdrawing that what I needed from her after 23 years of what I would appraise as a pretty good marriage? That's what I am trying to find out this weekend. There is the element of depression since our first child (she's 21 now) which has been a source of continuous friction because of my positive nature and belief that most depression cases are attitude self induced. I certainly do not claim to be an authority on the subject but it seams to me our culture is more than happy to medicate us into solving our problems. In some ways I feel it's a cop out for picking yourself up, kicking yourself in the ass, and get back to the land of the living.

You asked her to wear lingerie to hide her belly fat?
You know what turns women on the most? Being desired and being made to feel sexy by the man in their life. Asking someone to hide what you don’t like about their body in order to have sex with them is the complete opposite of that.
How would you feel if she asked you to put a bag over your head before having sex?

Maybe you think that it would encourage her to lose the belly fat but you said she’s depressed, perhaps this is not how to encourage her to get in better shape I don’t know.

I can see why she may not want to have sex with you after that. But I can also see how she may be vulnerable to jumping into bed with the next guy who shows more desire towards her and makes her feel sexy.
And giving you the green light to find someone who meets your needs is giving her the green light to do the same, guilt free.

Word of advice now that you are out there dating: don’t say insensitive crap like that to anyone if you want to get laid lol.

Yea, it's a dbag move to say that type of thing to your wife but if that's the worst thing that's happened in their marriage of 20+ years, I think they are doing pretty good. So we're going to pin the lack of sex now on one offhanded, stupid comment? Then she was looking for an excuse anyway. It could have been any other innocuous comment or disagreement over anything that she would use to drop her interest in sex. I used to think this type of stuff was random but I've learned it's not. You don't wake up one day and she's suddenly so upset over one comment that she's not interested in sex at all anymore. So she has no physical desires then? No, this was planned. Perhaps she got it in her head from one of her friends that she could get better on the market. Perhaps some other guy is showing her attention. Perhaps she got this silly idea all on her own (not likely but possible) but this was planned. She's wanting to get out there again and this is her way of forcing him out the door, plain and simple.

 

[glass half full]

Everyone has good advice here, take what you think is best and roll with it. I would try two or three of these things and see what feels good for you.
She has obviously checked out. I like the 20 years younger idea...escorts, single soccer moms...might be best to play in the next town, to cause less disruption with your teenager (or gossipy local women..). Quiet bar w/ an interesting bartender lady, bored from a slow night, might get you something going.

 

[AJ84]

Yea, it's a dbag move to say that type of thing to your wife but if that's the worst thing that's happened in their marriage of 20+ years, I think they are doing pretty good. So we're going to pin the lack of sex now on one offhanded, stupid comment? Then she was looking for an excuse anyway. It could have been any other innocuous comment or disagreement over anything that she would use to drop her interest in sex. I used to think this type of stuff was random but I've learned it's not. You don't wake up one day and she's suddenly so upset over one comment that she's not interested in sex at all anymore. So she has no physical desires then? No, this was planned. Perhaps she got it in her head from one of her friends that she could get better on the market. Perhaps some other guy is showing her attention. Perhaps she got this silly idea all on her own (not likely but possible) but this was planned. She's wanting to get out there again and this is her way of forcing him out the door, plain and simple.

This is where men and women differ if guess, because a woman, I can tell you with 100% certainty, would never consider a comment like that off hand, nor would she forget it even if he said it only once.
One negative comment like that is all it takes to dry her up, for him anyway.
But I’m sure there are other things going on like you suggest, and not just this one thing. OP did mention that she took long to orgasm so I’m imagine there is some sexual incompatibility as well, coupled a lack of communication perhaps?
It’s not uncommon for a woman, believed to be frigid in the area of sex, to ‘magically’ awaken ‘down there’ with the right guy bringing the right kind of masculine sexuality that draws it out of her.
This is why when she says she’s done with sex as OP stated in an earlier post, as a woman, I’m calling BS on her because I know that it’s more likely that she just doesn’t want to have sex with him, probably realizes it’s selfish to deny him that (which it is), and is offering him a hall pass.
If they both commiticated better with each other about what was lacking and what they each needed to have a better sex life perhaps it would not have come to this point. Or maybe they have communicated it and this is the point they have come to. That’s sad on her end that she doesn’t seem to want to try but again, she may have her own agenda around that.

 

[lamath]

This is where men and women differ if guess, because a woman, I can tell you with 100% certainty, would never consider a comment like that off hand, nor would she forget it even if he said it only once.
One negative comment like that is all it takes to dry her up, for him anyway.

Surprisingly true,happened to me

 

[Bible_Belt]

Well, the whole idea of getting my wife's blessing to let someone else "do the dirty work" so to say, is not to cheat. If there is full disclosure on both ends (letting potential dates know I am married) then there is no cheating and no deception. My question is - Are there woman out there that want a "friends with benefits" type of relationship? And benefits part goes both ways go both ways, not just for me. There is a new concept of "open marriage" I discovered (at least new to me). If my wife has no problem separating sex and love and is happy with every other aspect of our relationship and wants to keep it, then it's her way of expressing her love for me by endorsing my petition for sex from another woman. It's almost like a relieve for her that I'm not constantly hounding her for it any more and it makes her happy. I am having a tough time getting back out there and beating the bushes (no pun intended) looking for women that could appreciate and accept a man in an open type marriage.

Don't be surprised if she silently makes the same terms for herself as she is offering to you. Is she no longer interested in sex, or no longer interested in sex with you?

 

[highSpeed]

This is where men and women differ if guess, because a woman, I can tell you with 100% certainty, would never consider a comment like that off hand, nor would she forget it even if he said it only once.
One negative comment like that is all it takes to dry her up, for him anyway.
But I’m sure there are other things going on like you suggest, and not just this one thing. OP did mention that she took long to orgasm so I’m imagine there is some sexual incompatibility as well, coupled a lack of communication perhaps?
It’s not uncommon for a woman, believed to be frigid in the area of sex, to ‘magically’ awaken ‘down there’ with the right guy bringing the right kind of masculine sexuality that draws it out of her.
This is why when she says she’s done with sex as OP stated in an earlier post, as a woman, I’m calling BS on her because I know that it’s more likely that she just doesn’t want to have sex with him, probably realizes it’s selfish to deny him that (which it is), and is offering him a hall pass.
If they both commiticated better with each other about what was lacking and what they each needed to have a better sex life perhaps it would not have come to this point. Or maybe they have communicated it and this is the point they have come to. That’s sad on her end that she doesn’t seem to want to try but again, she may have her own agenda around that.

Look, perhaps offhand was the wrong word but if all it takes for a woman to dry up for a man is for him to say one wrong thing, any man may as well never get into any sort of serious relationship. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said against her, I'd already be divorced. She says something stupid, I try to move on with my life and my day. I say something stupid to her and now it is entered in the holy book of our marriage. Sounds an awful lot to me like most women are children who hold grudges and look for axes to grind in a relationship. If a woman is waiting for me to say something stupid to give some sort of justification for being an arrogant, entitled, self serving child, then don't go anywhere because it won't take long. However, funny thing is, women want a pass when they say something stupid. Seems like a pattern of misbehaving and general bad behavior to me.

Sure, communication can always be better but no one forced her to marry him as well. She wants to leave the kids and money behind, sure, walk but if not, she'd better dam well be a part of fixing the issues they have rather than withdrawing, that's p*ss poor behavior.

 

[lamath]

Look, perhaps offhand was the wrong word but if all it takes for a woman to dry up for a man is for him to say one wrong thing, any man may as well never get into any sort of serious relationship. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said against her, I'd already be divorced. She says something stupid, I try to move on with my life and my day. I say something stupid to her and now it is entered in the holy book of our marriage. Sounds an awful lot to me like most women are children who hold grudges and look for axes to grind in a relationship. If a woman is waiting for me to say something stupid to give some sort of justification for being an arrogant, entitled, self serving child, then don't go anywhere because it won't take long. However, funny thing is, women want a pass when they say something stupid. Seems like a pattern of misbehaving and general bad behavior to me.

Sure, communication can always be better but no one forced her to marry him as well. She wants to leave the kids and money behind, sure, walk but if not, she'd better dam well be a part of fixing the issues they have rather than withdrawing, that's p*ss poor behavior.

I agree with you
But what you say is true and already an insecurity it hits harder.

Maybe thats not what happenedto me but her excuses

 

[AJ84]

Look, perhaps offhand was the wrong word but if all it takes for a woman to dry up for a man is for him to say one wrong thing, any man may as well never get into any sort of serious relationship. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said against her, I'd already be divorced. She says something stupid, I try to move on with my life and my day. I say something stupid to her and now it is entered in the holy book of our marriage. Sounds an awful lot to me like most women are children who hold grudges and look for axes to grind in a relationship. If a woman is waiting for me to say something stupid to give some sort of justification for being an arrogant, entitled, self serving child, then don't go anywhere because it won't take long. However, funny thing is, women want a pass when they say something stupid. Seems like a pattern of misbehaving and general bad behavior to me.

Sure, communication can always be better but no one forced her to marry him as well. She wants to leave the kids and money behind, sure, walk but if not, she'd better dam well be a part of fixing the issues they have rather than withdrawing, that's p*ss poor behavior.

I agree she should be part of fixing the issues because stepping out of a marriage to have unmet needs met is a recipe for disaster.

And it’s not that he said the wrong thing, more so what he said specifically. It’s the same as a woman saying something that emasculates her husband. If your wife ever said anything that made you feel less of a man, I’m sure it didn’t make you want to have sex with her.

It’s like taking someone’s femininity or masculinity away. Two things a husband or wife should never do.

But it takes two to ruin a marriage, and she’s not helping the matter but not wanting to try.

 

[highSpeed]

I agree she should be part of fixing the issues because stepping out of a marriage to have unmet needs met is a recipe for disaster.

And it’s not that he said the wrong thing, more so what he said specifically. It’s the same as a woman saying something that emasculates her husband. If your wife ever said anything that made you feel less of a man, I’m sure it didn’t make you want to have sex with her.

It’s like taking someone’s femininity or masculinity away. Two things a husband or wife should never do.

But it takes two to ruin a marriage, and she’s not helping the matter but not wanting to try.

Again, afraid I have to call BS. No offense but women are largely entitled. The legal system and western society in general has made them that way. They know who's going to come out on the losing end of a failed marriage way more often than not and it's not the woman. They've been incentivized to not care what happens in the relationship usually. Once kids are in the mix especially, the guy is usually at an extreme disadvantage to the woman. That gives them the upper hand in most cases. This is a recipe for disaster. My wife undermines me to the kids. The kids now call her the boss. She laughs it off and says they don't really mean that but they know who is in charge. That is extremely emasculating to me. However, what's the flipside/upside of me leaving? Alimony? Seeing my kids every weekend if I'm lucky? Losing my home? Child support?

Would I rather find a way to work it out with my wife? Sure I would. Wouldn't I love an in-depth and frequent sex life? Sure I would. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said or done towards me, I'd probably lose my mind. I hold out hope anyway, largely due to the situation I'm in, that things will improve. I'm losing hope fast though.

 

[AJ84]

Again, afraid I have to call BS. No offense but women are largely entitled. The legal system and western society in general has made them that way. They know who's going to come out on the losing end of a failed marriage way more often than not and it's not the woman. They've been incentivized to not care what happens in the relationship usually. Once kids are in the mix especially, the guy is usually at an extreme disadvantage to the woman. That gives them the upper hand in most cases. This is a recipe for disaster. My wife undermines me to the kids. The kids now call her the boss. She laughs it off and says they don't really mean that but they know who is in charge. That is extremely emasculating to me. However, what's the flipside/upside of me leaving? Alimony? Seeing my kids every weekend if I'm lucky? Losing my home? Child support?

Would I rather find a way to work it out with my wife? Sure I would. Wouldn't I love an in-depth and frequent sex life? Sure I would. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said or done towards me, I'd probably lose my mind. I hold out hope anyway, largely due to the situation I'm in, that things will improve. I'm losing hope fast though.

Sorry to hear you are going through all of that. I understand, from your perspective, why you have those views.
Hope things work out for you.

 

[highSpeed]

Sorry to hear you are going through all of that. I understand, from your perspective, why you have those views.
Hope things work out for you.

I'm not alone by any stretch. Many married guys put up with quite a bit of crappy behavior because their wives have an emotional and financial gun held to their head. You have no choice for the most part but to try to limp along for as long as you can.

It's not my view, it's reality of how many men are treated in serious relationships. For most married men, at least those who have achieved any level of success, it's do or die in relation to their marriage. If for some reason it doesn't work out, no matter whose fault it is, the man is punished.

If most of these women were so desperate to get out of a relationship to their crappy husbands, they'd be willing to leave more on the table. They're not and the state enforces and encourages this bad behavior.

I'm not disagreeing that what he said was stupid but in the course of a relationship, you have to expect that people say things sometimes that are stupid. Because of the situation, the anger or frustration level or whatever else is going on, people say dumb things, horrible things sometimes. If this is all it takes to seriously damage a relationship/marriage, then maybe that marriage should never have happened in the first place. That's part of marriage, forgiveness. If you're not in it to win it, maybe you shouldn't be in it and you should definitely figure that out before you get married.

 

[sosousage]

Its over for your marriage

 

[4evehayoung]

Well there is no earth shattering news following the weekend of talks. She still says it's OK for me to date/find sex. What she is unsure of is what's going to happen if/when I do hook up. The uncertainty that I would leave her or neglect my responsibilities to our family and spend a lot of time elsewhere. Neither of us can predict what is going to happen and there is a certain amount of trust going both ways that each of us are being honest about this experiment. We both are hoping that this will help make our relationship stronger and better. I'm getting what I need and she's not getting hounded all the time to do something she has no interest in doing. Everything else stays the same is what we both are hoping for. We are not at war and seam to both want to keep the other 90% of what's right with our marriage.

The comment about being a dbag is a little short sighted based on the fact that when I married her she had a killer body (7-8) and over the years let herself go. It's like the old bait and switch. I believe she has an obligation to me (and herself) to maintain a healthy body weight. I have no problem encouraging anyone I love that is carrying extra weight to trim down because I care about them. I am a health conscious person (your health is your wealth) and call it selfish that I would prefer the ones that I love live a long healthy life with me. That includes friends, family, employees, etc. There is no secret to loosing weight - you burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. As for the bag over my head, well as long as I can cut holes in it to see.......

So now what? I am back to square one with trying to find the right type of woman that would work for my situation, which is why I came to this forum for advice in the first place. Do you thing there are women out there not getting what they need that would bang a married guy like me just for the fun of it? Thanks again for everyone's input. I appreciate it.

 

[Spaz]

Well there is no earth shattering news following the weekend of talks. She still says it's OK for me to date/find sex. What she is unsure of is what's going to happen if/when I do hook up. The uncertainty that I would leave her or neglect my responsibilities to our family and spend a lot of time elsewhere. Neither of us can predict what is going to happen and there is a certain amount of trust going both ways that each of us are being honest about this experiment. We both are hoping that this will help make our relationship stronger and better. I'm getting what I need and she's not getting hounded all the time to do something she has no interest in doing. Everything else stays the same is what we both are hoping for. We are not at war and seam to both want to keep the other 90% of what's right with our marriage.

The comment about being a dbag is a little short sighted based on the fact that when I married her she had a killer body (7-8) and over the years let herself go. It's like the old bait and switch. I believe she has an obligation to me (and herself) to maintain a healthy body weight. I have no problem encouraging anyone I love that is carrying extra weight to trim down because I care about them. I am a health conscious person (your health is your wealth) and call it selfish that I would prefer the ones that I love live a long healthy life with me. That includes friends, family, employees, etc. There is no secret to loosing weight - you burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. As for the bag over my head, well as long as I can cut holes in it to see.......

So now what? I am back to square one with trying to find the right type of woman that would work for my situation, which is why I came to this forum for advice in the first place. Do you thing there are women out there not getting what they need that would bang a married guy like me just for the fun of it? Thanks again for everyone's input. I appreciate it.

Women in their 40's would be open towards what you seek.

Mingle around professional women, lawyers, accountants, mid level managers that's single/childless.

 

[AJ84]

Well there is no earth shattering news following the weekend of talks. She still says it's OK for me to date/find sex. What she is unsure of is what's going to happen if/when I do hook up. The uncertainty that I would leave her or neglect my responsibilities to our family and spend a lot of time elsewhere. Neither of us can predict what is going to happen and there is a certain amount of trust going both ways that each of us are being honest about this experiment. We both are hoping that this will help make our relationship stronger and better. I'm getting what I need and she's not getting hounded all the time to do something she has no interest in doing. Everything else stays the same is what we both are hoping for. We are not at war and seam to both want to keep the other 90% of what's right with our marriage.

The comment about being a dbag is a little short sighted based on the fact that when I married her she had a killer body (7-8) and over the years let herself go. It's like the old bait and switch. I believe she has an obligation to me (and herself) to maintain a healthy body weight. I have no problem encouraging anyone I love that is carrying extra weight to trim down because I care about them. I am a health conscious person (your health is your wealth) and call it selfish that I would prefer the ones that I love live a long healthy life with me. That includes friends, family, employees, etc. There is no secret to loosing weight - you burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. As for the bag over my head, well as long as I can cut holes in it to see.......

So now what? I am back to square one with trying to find the right type of woman that would work for my situation, which is why I came to this forum for advice in the first place. Do you thing there are women out there not getting what they need that would bang a married guy like me just for the fun of it? Thanks again for everyone's input. I appreciate it.

If you are looking specifically for a no strings attached, non complicated no drama hook up I do think your best bet are married women who, like you, just want a little something on the side.

Ashley Madison website. It’s a site specifically for married people looking to hook up with others.

I’m sure there are also some couples with a cuck fetish where the husband likes to watch his wife get rammed by another man.

Good luck.

 

[glass half full]

I find it hilarious how women are concerned about such things as when their men look elsewhere, yet they themselves don't ask us or discuss our needs, they just go find someone else, cash us in and divorce. And cuck someone else. Dam, what a concept? I want you guys to think about this...can you say "entitlement"?...

This kinda takes us back to the rules we learn when we first join this site. Don't remember the name of the threads, but some of you will know what I'm talking about. We men, as a whole seem much more caring about our partners in relationships than the "fairer sex"(pun intended)...

It's time we teach them to ante-up to the table and lay the cards out, and us to remind them that we too can trade the "economy model" in for a "sport performance model". Just like a car.

 

[AJ84]

I find it hilarious how women are concerned about such things as when their men look elsewhere, yet they themselves don't ask us or discuss our needs, they just go find someone else, cash us in and divorce. And cuck someone else. Dam, what a concept? I want you guys to think about this...can you say "entitlement"?...

This kinda takes us back to the rules we learn when we first join this site. Don't remember the name of the threads, but some of you will know what I'm talking about. We men, as a whole seem much more caring about our partners in relationships than the "fairer sex"(pun intended)...

It's time we teach them to ante-up to the table and lay the cards out, and us to remind them that we too can trade the "economy model" in for a "sport performance model". Just like a car.

His wife doesn’t seem to concerned as she is telling him to go f**k other women. She’s basically saying it’s ok to trade her in for a sports performance model lol. Her, she’s initiating this stuff basically.

 

[lamath]

His wife doesn’t seem to concerned as she is telling him to go f**k other women. She’s basically saying it’s ok to trade her in for a sports performance model lol. Her, she’s initiating this stuff basically.

Dont listen to what a women is saying look at what she is doing.

I still believe that once he start hooking up, the permission she gave him will turn into a poisoned gift

 

[4evehayoung]

No doubt what GHF said, marriage for men, in the end, is a losing proposition - a no win situation. Just by it's very nature it goes against all biological laws. It's like selling your soul when you say "I do". The wife ends up being the pleasure giver or "dries up" with the slip of the tongue. Talk about abusive!

I do have concerns about the poisoned gift though. I think I may start a relationship with a good divorce lawyer just in case. Can't hurt to have some duck in order.