Marriage advice

[Ricky]

I realized last night that my default we always give ourselves tons of space. My wife can be in one room doing one thing, my daughter in another and i'm reading or working in yet another area of the house..

In trying to fix this issue though I've kind of violated that space a lot. I know its because I got quite jealous and suspicious, but obviously since I can't speak her language it is extra challenging.

The irony was that the solution to make things more normal is... to act like I normally used to do. House will be a lot more peaceful that way.

I will see what the psychologist/therapist suggests.

 

[Ricky]

This is important.
I've done this before and took a language class to learn what they and their family are saying.

Sometimes I think I didn't want to know, after all.

At the breakup I got thanked for my efforts, lol.

Her language is challenging enough that I can only pick out the few words I know currently. I want to rapidly expand my vocabulary though haha.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Her language is challenging enough that I can only pick out the few words I know currently. I want to rapidly expand my vocabulary though haha.

it will be a powerful feeling.

You got this, good for you man!

Get ready to be wildly successful at it. There's nothing like the motivation of learning about a loved one to rapidly speed up the learning process. You'll be amazed at how well you'll do!

 

[metalwater]

Yep she is 42 and that thought crossed my mind. I don't think she has been having symptoms of menopause, but I wondered

pre menopause. menopause is the shutdown.. the wall. yikes.. pre, is the tornado of changeing and switching in ways they are not used to. all of the feelings come from the chemicals. she may be just a ***** and low intrest and all the red pill stuff they guys on this site are expert at (really). if her hormones are really screwed from pre, she is hostage to her body. a good Dr about those things can sort it, and there is meds she can take. the sky is the limit to the bull**** she can do because of this, it is real and she might not be able to contorl it or want to control it becasue of what it is. just sayin.... You said it was good before and then went t hell, either she lost intrest really fast due to something like another guy (it happens) or she is in hormone hell. 42 is prime age... check it out. If she is in hormone hell you will have to decide if to help her or move on. If it is another dude, just move on.

the combinations of things that she can feel due to pre, is unlimited. the hormones can cause her to do stuff that doesn't make sense even to her. you can look it up on google, or I could tell more... couple of the gals on this site could tell about it probably also.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This is important.
I've done this before and took a language class to learn what they and their family are saying.

Sometimes I think I didn't want to know, after all.

At the breakup I got thanked for my efforts, lol.

What do you think they were trying to tell you?

 

[Ricky]

Let me ask you this.. some of her guy friends that she talks to talk for long periods of time with her. Is talking for long periods still indicative of being an emotional tampon?

 

[Lynx nkaf]

What do you think they were trying to tell you?

Well, it was the guy's Polish mother. She was not only calling me names but putting me down AND him down.

What's that called when a mother tries to rope in a son and pretend he's a husband?

It worked. He had her move in with him and it took a bit but when I blatantly told him(proved by translating) what she said and said how horrified I was that he let her talk to him like that, the old lady never said a peep but nice polite things and in English when I was over.

He stopped telling her everything about where he was going and doing every minute of every day too. Became more alpha, so-to-speak.

My word, its so much better if the guy's mother is out of the picture. (living far away or already passed away)

It was amazing to get that respect finally from her and him. All because of those night school classes I took in Polish. I took it in their neighbourhood too.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Well, it was the guy's Polish mother. She was not only calling me names but putting me down AND him down.

What's that called when a mother tries to rope in a son and pretend he's a husband?

It worked. He had her move in with him and it took a bit but when I blatantly told him(proved by translating) what she said and said how horrified I was that he let her talk to him like that, the old lady never said a peep but nice polite things and in English when I was over.

He stopped telling her everything about where he was going and doing every minute of every day too. Became more alpha, so-to-speak.

My word, its so much better if the guy's mother is out of the picture. (living far away or already passed away)

It was amazing to get that respect finally from her and him. All because of those night school classes I took in Polish. I took it in their neighbourhood too.

Wow what a fvcking controlling mom. Couldn't stand to see her son happy with another woman. She should have been grateful for you.

 

[Spaz]

This is true, I've been treating her like a prize to win back again. Definitely not a winning mindset

Then what r u suppose to do?

Tell us instead of just talking abt these issues on here, don't blog abt it, make plans abt it and then ask us if it's viable or not.

Be decisive.

 

[Lookatu]

Let me ask you this.. some of her guy friends that she talks to talk for long periods of time with her. Is talking for long periods still indicative of being an emotional tampon?

You never thought this was a red flag? This should've been addressed a long time ago when you knew.

Is she getting some stimulating conversation with them or have comfort in confiding with them on certain things that she can't have with you?

Married women generally shouldn't have a lot of male friends and especially ones they talk to a lot.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Then what r u suppose to do?

Tell us instead of just talking abt these issues on here, don't blog abt it, make plans abt it and then ask us if it's viable or not.

Be decisive.

A prize to win validates her in midst of your disagreement. Romance starts with in you. Pull your time and attention while your chips are being devalued. Live life for yourself and your baby right now. A non needy whole and masculine man attracts a woman. It takes time. The time you spent trying to win her you devalued yourself in comparison to her. So you need to return your self worth outside of her.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Wow what a fvcking controlling mom. Couldn't stand to see her son happy with another woman. She should have been grateful for you.

yes, yes and yes!

Now what don't I see that nearly each boyfriend had this background?
Just luck of the draw that as I get to know them I see the evil Mom behind them? Isn't that a type of evil or am I exaggerating?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

yes, yes and yes!

Now what don't I see that nearly each boyfriend had this background?
Just luck of the draw that as I get to know them I see the evil Mom behind them? Isn't that a type of evil or am I exaggerating?

You must've been real good for him. She was perhaps jealous of some quality you brought out or magnified in him. You might even been so secure in yourself as a woman it anger her.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

You must've been real good for him. She was perhaps jealous of some quality you brought out or magnified in him. You might even been so secure in yourself as a woman it anger her.

Thanks man, your words make people feel good on sosuave. Hope you're having a good day, you're high value man

 

[kingvavy]

Here’s some advice from someone who was in your shoes...mine ended in divorce. I did the complete opposite of this advice:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to marriage or “couples” counselling. There is no training to becoming a “couples” counsellor. Talk to any therapist worth their salt, the whole idea of therapy is based on a one to one relationship. i.e. you and the therapist. One therapist trying to work with two people is a recipe for divorce, and going to couples counselling will only accelerate you towards the big D. I know there is advice on this thread telling you to try it, but I’m telling you that couples counselling is one of the biggest myths out there. The couples counsellor has the lawyer, parenting coordinator, mediator, and child psychologist on their (to use an old term) rolodex. Don’t do it. Men and women think differently, and getting you to express yourself like a woman is not going to make you sexier to your wife.

2. If she asks for space longer than a day, then she is giving you the mother of all shyt tests. “Trial separations” or “give me time” are code for “leave me alone while I either enjoy my affair, or allow myself to indulge in my emotional affair, or give me time to fantasize about having an affair...”. Space longer than a few days is BS. If she won’t snap out of it after a day or two, start going out on your own and don’t tell her what you’re doing. Not telling you to step out, just don’t tell her. Go to a gym and pump iron. Meditate. Rinse and repeat. Buy a new wardrobe. But remain the cool, calm, stoic centre that you are. Don’t play by her rules. Work on your body. Work on your mind. Work on not reacting. Nothing is less sexy than losing your cool, so if anger is an issue, go see a qualified social worker who is accredited teaching court ordered “anger management” courses. Avoid “therapists” who are not qualified. Dealing with anger is not about crying to someone about how Mommy didin’t give you enough hugs. Maybe it is on a deeper level, but if you’re losing your shyt, you need real techniques that work in the moment.

Good luck!

 

[kingvavy]

Let me ask you this.. some of her guy friends that she talks to

this is not good my man.

My ex required a steady stream of male orbiters at all times...you can turn this around but you need to grow up a bit. I can only assume you still have opposite sex friendships? You need to end those, and then you need to tell your wife to end hers. You hang with the boys, she has girls nights, and then you have couples nights. Marriage and opposite sex friendships do not work.

Personally, by 17, every woman who is not related to you, who you spend time with, should be a woman you want to bed, but that is a different topic.

 

[Ricky]

Psychologist had some good advice.. most of it involved giving space and being ok with whatever possible outcomes occur. She isn't saying my wife will leave me by any stretch.. she just says by getting so upset about it and constantly trying to survey the situation and stop her from talking or fix the problem that I am driving her away.

The guys she are talking to aren't local so that's a positive. I can't risk getting upset and angry again..

 

[kingvavy]

Is your psychologist certified to conduct court ordered anger management therapy? If not, get rid of him/her and find one who is. Most are social workers.

You need to learn to effectively handle your anger if you’re going to get through this. Get it under control. Once you have a good grasp on how to control your emotions, you need to tell her that the opposite sex friendships end now. And, you back it up by ending yours.

If you don’t have a firm grasp on how to control your anger, you will fly off the handle when you tell her to end the relationships. She will resist. If she defies you, maintain a calm demeanour and continue going out without telling her where you’re going or what you’re doing. Join a midnight gym and channel your rage into pumping iron.

I’m giving you solid advice here. Do it before it’s too late. Divorce with kids is hell. That said, you have a ways to go on your red pill journey. I was in your exact shoes when I joined this forum. I thought the advice I was getting here was crazy but the guys who beat me down with what I thought was “crazy” advice ended up being 100% right. Your psychologist is right in saying you can’t control what she does, but you CAN control what you do.

Good luck and keep posting.

 

[Ricky]

Yeah getting her to quit talking to people has been making her double down.. She says "I don't bother you when you talk to your friends"

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yeah getting her to quit talking to people has been making her double down.. She says "I don't bother you when you talk to your friends"

So her friends are causing the current divide? How fvcking normal. A female friends play video games with her relationship because she listens.