Before I found this place, I had several LTR's that lasted far too long. "Back then" I figured I was doing right by "toughing it out" in crap situations. For all I knew, I had to "man up" and just accept whatever antics a chick would dish out in order for my p-p to get wet. I used to let myself be part of "sex as a weapon" and other toxic power struggles.
Women would ask me, "Vulpine, why aren't you married?" Try as I might, I couldn't get a woman to sit through the answer. I had reasons why LTR's had failed, but women don't want to hear that those "failures" were the woman's fault: they want to assume the man is to blame. So, I chased off many dates with truth. "I haven't met a woman that I would want to marry."
After many years of not understanding (or, at least, not fully acknowledging the dynamics I suspected as real) the branch-swinging hypergamy, the "next best thing", "Mr. Right Now", or "bigger better deal", when I finally found this site things clicked in my head based on the experiences I already had.
Of course, like most new to this site and the red pill, I had some grieving and evolving to do after discovering my theories were
truths. My mother, aunts, exes, they all were seen under a different light afterwards, and it was extremely off-putting. I have to admit, I found myself very against LTR's for a while.
...then the BPD chick came along and made it too easy. That's a story that's been typed before, so let me just move along...
After that, I had time to examine my serial monogamy. What I came to realize is that my LTR failures in the past were more due to being an AFC than being unworthy or low value. No, I wasn't bad in bed or ugly, I wasn't broke or a loser in any way, my head just wasn't right. Along with materials here and some introspection along about the time I was typing up the "Map and Compass" and rapping about "The Castle" metaphors, I used an example of walking on a trail in a thread about confident persistence.
Using this "walking on a trail" metaphor for my life, I found that as I walked along the trail, women would meet me and walk a while next to me. Eventually, they'd come to a fork in the trail and take another direction, leaving me to continue on my path alone. Women would walk with me through life a while, then go their own way; another would come along, we'd enjoy our time, then go our separate ways eventually.
I couldn't understand why women wouldn't stay on "my trail". It wasn't until I scrutinized "the trail I was on" that I really began to understand my previous failings with women.
"Men go their own way" wasn't a popular expression then, but, the idea really epitomizes my LTR failings. It turns out, my trail had no aim, no end, it just twisted and meandered around to wherever struck my fancy. Since I had no "X on the map" and no direction, goals, or ambitions, women began to see me as a dead-end prospect. And, although sex kept them around much longer than they would have stayed otherwise, they would still eventually find a new branch and swing off.
Once I understood market value more, and was exposed to the "men as leaders" and "captain of the ship" dynamics better, I was able to take time away from dating, focus on my future, and work on making myself a better man in general. Then, after developing goals and direction, once I got more active in the dating scene, my whole attitude and dating persona changed. I found that the women I had availability to (in my area at least) just didn't measure up to my value: they didn't bring anything to my table.
So, with all the garbage I could be in a relationship with, LTR's were pretty far out of my head. I really kicked myself for attempting LTR's with the trash that I did: "How could I let myself be a dildo like that!!!???!!!" Rather than stay bitter at women and myself for past mistakes/wasted time/life, I simply resigned myself to the understanding that it would need to be a pretty amazing chick to surprise me into even considering another LTR.
Unshockingly, I sifted through scummers until I reached a point where püssy was püssy, and I was doing many (most) women a FAVOR by having sex with them. They certainly didn't do anything to deserve sex from me, I just needed a place to park a load.
Sheeeyit... I remember being on a meet-up with an online date chick and wanting to terminate the date, or "punt" if you will. She was a snatch, and I didn't care to play with her anymore, so I asked her this:
V: "I want you to
really think about what I'm about to ask you: Would you
honestly want to be with a guy who is attracted to your behavior?"
A split second later, she was up out of her chair and walking out the door. MAN! the look on the people's faces! I just made a "clapping the dust off" motion with my hands and ordered another ****tail. ...wish you guys could've seen it. But, she instantly reinforced my point.
Anyway, crummy dates persisted until I met a chick that shocked the sh¡t out of me. It was just a random "here is a chick making eyes at me" sort of out-of-nowhere situation. Had I not known what I was looking for, had I not had experience enough to tell the difference, had I not sifted through the scummers, I wouldn't have recognized quality-according-to-me when it was sitting across from me.
And, conversely, if SHE hadn't sifted through loads of douchebag AFC's, she wouldn't be able to compare/contrast effectively, either. That is, because she was qualifying me, and she had previous experiences herself, she was able to recognize and appreciate my value.
Just yesterday, someone asked me how long it has been: coming up on 5 years. Fortunately, I live in a state that doesn't recognize common law marriage, but...
She's been walking the trail with me, over and around obstacles, through all sorts of inclement weather, and it's been pleasant. We're great friends, and more importantly, part of a team. I see many, many dudes out there who don't make that very simple distinction before jumping into destined-to-fail LTR's: adversarial versus cooperative. You want a partner, not an enemy, in a relationship. The actions, not the words, show you the difference. I have tried coupling with adversaries in the past, women with agendas that don't include me in the future, and now it's obvious how I could've seen the warnings.
Ultimately, my attitudes about LTR's changed back-and-forth. I'll just say I had the wrong idea of what an LTR was for. It was just something that happened, everyone does it, in my mind, so "I should, too", right? I had no idea that I should be qualifying women in my life, so, of course, I had bad experiences in LTR's. I would settle for whatever landed on my cøck, and would accept abuse as though it was part of the package. Then I thought LTR's were strictly for idiots. Finally, I arrived at the idea of "choosing".
You can do that? PICK who you bang? WOW!
That simple bit of empowerment, simple as it seems, was all the difference in the quality of my LTR's.
Without a goal, guys will sift through the scummers endlessly. That's not particularly bad for a lot of guys whose focus is not on a future family. However, I couldn't stand the part-time job experience of dating. All the money and time, the preparations and the travel, the phone calls and the "game", all that crap... If I could just have 1 cool chick, with a tight box, a pleasant voice, shorter than me, weighs less than me... the rest of the trash you can set on fire.
I'd much rather use my energy and resources toward what lays further up ahead on my trail than finding someone to walk with me. I can see in some of the posts around here how that lack of understanding about what "lies ahead" on guys' "trails" could affect their attitudes about LTR's. I can't blame any dudes for being against them. For me, LTR's have a pragmatic value. Stress is a killer, guys, and the exposure and risk associated with dating are stresses I am happy to do without.
"Happier" to do without, I should say. And, studies have shown in increase in life longevity for those who have coupled. It's really no wonder. I mean, for one thing, warts and HIV is off the list of things I'm concerned about. The threat of psycho stalkers and exes is lessened, though I do get occasional "5-year calls" from exes. LTR's afford you less stress, if you qualify correctly. That's a big "IF" that most guys, myself included, miss; and it makes all the difference between good and bad.
