LTR sudden ending

[ayava]

Long time lurker (since 2009 at least) requesting a bit of insight into the sudden downfall of my stable LTR.

Short version:

Dating a year and half, no major arguments/issues.
Did a lot of fun stuff together, both like each others families, laugh/interact, no drop off in sex over the relationship, common interests, able to spend time on our own with friends - not attached at the hip 24/7, high interest from each of us.

Her past:

Has been in one LTR or another for the last 10 years, and is currently 26.
The longest was a 5-6 year relationship that was on the outs but ended a couple months before we met.
She has only been single for about 2 months since she was 16.

The break-up:
She said she felt like she has never been alone or single as an adult and it scares her and she needs this time for herself.
Repeatedly stated that I didn't do anything wrong, that I was an amazing boyfriend, and has no regrets about the relationship, and told me there was no one else. Said the anxiety just hit her.

I said "ok, if that's what you need, hugged her, and walked away."

Two days before we made both near term and long term plans to do stuff, she had initiated sex, and did not appear anxious or "off."



I'd like to state that she is a sincere person so while I always think the "I want to be single" means there is another dude, I do believe her, as she told me, and all of our mutual friends, including her girlfriends have said she hasn't been hanging around anyone, and she has been spending the time since the break up with her family.

It's been about 3 weeks since the break-up, and we have txted once, upon my initiation only because of the storm here and I wanted to see if she was safe (no power/hot water/open stores etc.) No contact other than that.

Thoughts?

 

[HBK]

I'm sorry to hear your going through this dude, and your probably looking for answers.

I personally never believe what a woman says during a break up. She will justify her actions. Take this from an experienced dumpee
Good news is your single again, and the world hasn't ended, and you still have a pair of balls and time to move on to something bigger and better ok.

Here is guidlines i wrote a while back that WILL help you.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1912079#post1912079

Chin up dude, and we are all here if you need to talk or need advice.

Welcome to Sosuave.

 

[st_99]

95% chance there is someone else eyed up and in the waiting.

but thats irrelevant as it still means she doesn't like you anymore regardless of whether there is or isnt someone else.
and thats really all that matters.

 

[BeDJ]

LTR's do not end without prior indications. She definitely made her exit plan when she was losing interest in the relationship. Given that she's 26 and has only been single for 2 months in 10 years. She wants to be "independent" and her anxiety is telling her that she never got a chance to "have fun."

For your own sanity here, do not contact her again. She will be out partying and doing crazy random sh*t. She will be riding the c*ck carrousel. Break off communication with her, NOW.

 

[Fatal Jay]

like hbk said, never believe her words, her actions if she truly loved you she would be with you

you said she havent been single since 16, bro keep it real she is bored and have found another person

all women do this,she has found someone more attractive then you

to best and fastest way to get over it,is to try your best to blow it off,ignore her as much as possible

do not,i repeat be her friend,because she will have her cake and eat it too with the other guy

and date around with other chicks

if not your going to eventually get depressed,and beg for her back which will make her **** on you

 

[Findog]

There may or may not be another guy. Usually when you get blindsided, there is a third party involved, but not always. A lot of women branch swing, but some don't. Frankly I wouldn't torture yourself worrying about it. She's gone either way. Take it from somebody who's been there: Frankly I think you're better off long-term without a woman who breaks it off without any tangible reason when things are relatively well on the whole, isn't willing to put effort into a relationship, and could not be bothered to communicate her needs, concerns and feelings and portrayed everything as peachy on her end before dropping the bomb on you. If you got her back, it would be hard to have confidence in the future of your relationship. You would never really know where you truly stood with her and you'd always be wondering when the trap door was going to open up again and suck you down through it. The only way things could ever work out between the two of you is way down the road a long time from now, and by that time, both of you will have moved on to new partners.

I used to casually date a woman who had been engaged to this guy a few years older than her. They met in law school. He was a stay at home homebody type and she had gone through undergraduate in three years, then straight to law school. She was in her late twenties and she wanted to party and wasn't ready to settle down into an adult relationship. She had always had her nose to the grindstone advancing her education and felt like she needed to get some partying out of her system. In her case, there truly wasn't another guy lined up immediately to take her ex-fiance's place but she wanted to ride the c*ck carousel without any kind of serious commitments. Chances are that's what your ex wants. Maybe there's another guy, maybe there isn't, but eventually there will be, and the fact is that she doesn't want the same things as you.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you and it's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up. She probably feels like she's "missing out" on all the fun her girlfriends are having. Best way for something to eventually work out down the road is to go NC and leave her alone. You never know, someday she might really regret it. In the meantime take care of yourself so that one day you have a better girl than her if she ever decides to come crawling back.

 

[Colossus]

^^Great post.

There's not much I can add to that. I will reiterate that you shouldn't perseverate too much on whether or not she branch swung. It is true that usually when there is an abrupt breakup without any emotional warning signs there is another guy, or at least the possibility of another guy. But it's really irrelevant. She left you, and it doesn't sound like it was anything you did or anything you should beat yourself up for. Honestly the story sounds legit and I've seen this played out before.

I expect it to be a longer recovery process for you, since there was no warning. Maybe she'll reconcile with you one day, maybe not. In the meantime, move on as if she is never coming back. I'll share with you something I have lived by ever since my horrible one-itis that drove me to this site: NEVER try to beg, convince, or otherwise negotiate with a woman to be with you. If she chooses to leave, let her, regardless of her reasons. You are no longer bound to her. Even if you COULD talk her into coming back, it isnt worth it, because her interests and heart are elsewhere.

 

[Jitterbug]

She pulled a Kate Bollick on you. Jokes on her.

LTRs are like renting with an expiry date. You've hit yours, no big deal, no need to figure out the whys. Now go find a new shinier rent.

 

[Argyle]

delete... wrong thread!

 

[ayava]

Just an update.

It's been about 4.5 weeks since the break up and we have't seen each other or spoken, except for one email exchange the first week.

I guess you could say I'm succeeding at NC, as I'm fully aware you can't negotiate interest level but its still pretty hard. I figured she would have tried to contact me at least once during this period - I'm sure this is my ego talking as I'm seeking her validation.

I've gone out a bit and gotten some phone numbers/made out with some women but don't really have the urge to call any of these people. Interacting with women seems to not interest me at all right now. Does this seem normal?

If you guys have any interest I will post her explanation email for your analysis.

 

[st_99]

what she wrote you an email explaining why she broke it off?

 

[betheman]

Long time lurker (since 2009 at least) requesting a bit of insight into the sudden downfall of my stable LTR.

Her past:

Has been in one LTR or another for the last 10 years, and is currently 26.
The longest was a 5-6 year relationship that was on the outs but ended a couple months before we met.
She has only been single for about 2 months since she was 16.

The break-up:
She said she felt like she has never been alone or single as an adult and it scares her and she needs this time for herself.
Repeatedly stated that I didn't do anything wrong, that I was an amazing boyfriend, and has no regrets about the relationship, and told me there was no one else. Said the anxiety just hit her. ...Bull$hit

I said "ok, if that's what you need, hugged her, and walked away." This is good, wouldnt have bothered hugging her though


I'd like to state that she is a sincere person so while I always think the "I want to be single" means there is another dude,(you were correct) I do believe her, (wrong)as she told me, and all of our mutual friends, including her girlfriends have said she hasn't been hanging around anyone, and she has been spending the time since the break up with her family. (just means she is hiding it better)

It's been about 3 weeks since the break-up, and we have txted once, upon my initiation only because of the storm here and I wanted to see if she was safe (no power/hot water/open stores etc.) No contact other than that.

Thoughts?

would be interesting to see her explanation e mail, I can guarantee it will be full of BS!

P.S, Woman ends ltr of 5-6 years, 2 months later you start LTR with her, that is asking for trouble

 

[ayava]

We broke up in person, and as I was leaving I said something to the effect of: just tell me you met someone or that I screwed something up or didn't do something, it has to be something other than "I want to be single."

I was trying to get at the truth. So she wrote me an email in the time between when I left her apartment and when I got home.

 

[Colossus]

Hey ayava-

I wouldn't worry about the email too much. Like I said before, it doesn't matter what she said. Her actions ARE the message.

What you are going through is normal. It may take you months to fully get over her and be into another girl. Breakups can be tough, and the longer you've been together, the more intense the emotional connection, the harder it is. Rejection---i.e. being cheated on or being the one who got dumped---is even harder.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sooner or later the steps turn into miles and you find yourself on a new mountain.

 

[st_99]

We broke up in person, and as I was leaving I said something to the effect of: just tell me you met someone or that I screwed something up or didn't do something, it has to be something other than "I want to be single."

I was trying to get at the truth. So she wrote me an email in the time between when I left her apartment and when I got home.

oh i gotcha. yeah lets see it. would be interesting to see what she possibly could have wrote in such short amount of time meaning there wasnt much thought in it and was perhaps hasty it seems. i still say there is another guy, there usually is, especially since she hasnt contacted you in over a month.

 

[ayava]

2 months later you start LTR with her, that is asking for trouble

Looking back I agree with this.

To be fair I didn't really know that it was that short of a period until we had been seeing each other for a few months already.

Here it is:
I want you to know that you didn't do anything wrong, at all. I'm sure it is hard to accept that, because if you did do something wrong, it would make it a lot easier to understand. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I need to be on my own. Again, this is no reflection of you or the relationship we had, which makes it incredibly hard for me do to.

I've been in a continuous relationship for ten years, since I was sixteen years old. I took a two month break before I met you, but besides that I have never been single, and I am not comfortable with that. It really scares me. I feel that if I don't have some time on my own I will never be completely happy or comfortable in a relationship. I honestly don't know much about myself or how I am on my own, because I have never experienced it in my adult life, and I think it is really important. And knowing this now makes it completely unfair to stay with you. I wish I could explain this better, I'm sure it makes no sense, but it is how I feel and I'm thankful that you are willing to respect my choice, even if it's painful. You are a very important person to me, and we did have a great relationship.

I'm sorry to put you in this position, it is so hard for me to hurt you and see you in pain. I want you to know again that you didn't do anything wrong, I swear, you were an amazing boyfriend, but at this point I need some space to work on who I am as an individual. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I've never had that experience. I also want you to know that there is no one else. I know that you know that, but I want to make sure you have no doubts. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make, but I knew that if I didn't do it now, I would end up hurting you further down the road when I came to this realization at a more critical time in our future. I have no regrets about our relationship. I know you will be okay and will have an amazing life, but it is hard to recover from a breakup. It is hard for me too. I think we can eventually talk in person, but for now it is better to take some time.

 

[betheman]

"I'm sorry to put you in this position, it is so hard for me to hurt you and see you in pain. I want you to know again that you didn't do anything wrong, I swear, you were an amazing boyfriend, but at this point I need some space to work on who I am as an individual. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I've never had that experience. I also want you to know that there is no one else. I know that you know that, but I want to make sure you have no doubts. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make, but I knew that if I didn't do it now, I would end up hurting you further down the road when I came to this realization at a more critical time in our future. I have no regrets about our relationship. I know you will be okay and will have an amazing life, but it is hard to recover from a breakup. It is hard for me too. I think we can eventually talk in person, but for now it is better to take some time."

pretty much standard fayre and what was expected, "... I need some space" had there been any betting on this phrase being included, Id have been all in!

there is another guy, she lasted 2 months after 5-6 years before she was right back in the saddle of a new ltr, she may just want to f cck around fora while but she will be fccuking.
have you replied? personally wouldnt, she is expecting it, an long arsed whiny e mail of how hurt you are. if you must reply, " thats cool, we both have all the space we need now"

 

[st_99]

well the email is pretty standard stuff. the bottom line is simple, she has or wants another guy/guys because to her, the grass is greener elsewhere.

i dont like when i read stuff like...

I'm thankful that you are willing to respect my choice, even if it's painful

it is so hard for me to hurt you and see you in pain

I would end up hurting you further down the road

I know you will be okay and will have an amazing life, but it is hard to recover from a breakup. It is hard for me too


Dude, what the freak is this! I mean, this girl thinks she is waaay above you. Bro, you need to be completely disgusted by reading this horsesh!t. She is talking down to you, like oh baby please dont cry, everythings gona be ok, moma has to go bye bye. Hahaha, bro, you clearly were not top dog in her eyes. Perhaps you had her on a pedestal. I would probably reply "fvck off, you're a cvnt" after reading some stupid sh!t like that. LOL.

Cheer up though, this one is a lost cause and you'll wind up with someone hopefully with a different dynamic where she actually respects you as a man.

 

[ayava]

Cheer up though, this one is a lost cause and you'll wind up with someone hopefully with a different dynamic where she actually respects you as a man.

Ouch! hahaha.

 

[st_99]

when a girl breaks up with me i expect her to have feelings of anxiety and unease. even if she doesn't like me anymore she should still respect your "maleness" this girl seems like she is trying to console you. to me, thats bad.

but hey, you live, you learn.

thats how i see it anyway, would be interesting to get others take on it.