LTR sudden ending

[The Duke]

Looking back I agree with this.

Here it is:
I want you to know that you didn't do anything wrong, at all. I'm sure it is hard to accept that, because if you did do something wrong, it would make it a lot easier to understand. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I need to be on my own. Again, this is no reflection of you or the relationship we had, which makes it incredibly hard for me do to.

I've been in a continuous relationship for ten years, since I was sixteen years old. I took a two month break before I met you, but besides that I have never been single, and I am not comfortable with that. It really scares me. I feel that if I don't have some time on my own I will never be completely happy or comfortable in a relationship. I honestly don't know much about myself or how I am on my own, because I have never experienced it in my adult life, and I think it is really important. And knowing this now makes it completely unfair to stay with you. I wish I could explain this better, I'm sure it makes no sense, but it is how I feel and I'm thankful that you are willing to respect my choice, even if it's painful. You are a very important person to me, and we did have a great relationship.

I'm sorry to put you in this position, it is so hard for me to hurt you and see you in pain. I want you to know again that you didn't do anything wrong, I swear, you were an amazing boyfriend, but at this point I need some space to work on who I am as an individual. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I've never had that experience. I also want you to know that there is no one else. I know that you know that, but I want to make sure you have no doubts. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make, but I knew that if I didn't do it now, I would end up hurting you further down the road when I came to this realization at a more critical time in our future. I have no regrets about our relationship. I know you will be okay and will have an amazing life, but it is hard to recover from a breakup. It is hard for me too. I think we can eventually talk in person, but for now it is better to take some time.

Here's my take on this:

On the surface it sounds like she is pretty legit but don't forget she is still a woman and take this with a grain of salt. Women never come right out and let you know their exact intentions. Putting my super dooper womaneese decoder glasses and rereading this, I'd say she is looking for on opening on the grand ole c-ahk carousel! She's probably got a girlfriend that is telling her she is missing out.

Here's another thing to consider........this girl has a track record of being in long term relationships and nothing else. Now all of the suddent she has decided that she wants to change direction for no reason other than she needs to be on her own! I'm not buying all of that. Females dont operate like that, they always have an underlying motive tied to how they feel at the time. I had an exwife tell me some of these exact same lines. She ended up on the c-ahk carousel and wishes she could be back with me. Women are never satisfied they always think they can get something better or more of it. So just let them go searching for it. F-uhk them. Theres something wrong with throwing away something that isn't broken. But hey I'm a rational man, not some irrational estrogen charged vagina that doesn't see the big picture.

Be glad its happening now and not after you married this gal. Be glad you are learning more about how women work now instead of later. You will be in a better place in the future than she will be.

 

[Beowolf]

It could be anything. I was told this same s*** by an ltr for no reason, and I thought she was fooling around. Later, I found out she was starting to hear voices, and did'nt want to tell anyone. She's still schiz, and I'm glad I moved on.

 

[AW1983]

Dude, what the freak is this! I mean, this girl thinks she is waaay above you. Bro, you need to be completely disgusted by reading this horsesh!t. She is talking down to you, like oh baby please dont cry, everythings gona be ok, moma has to go bye bye. Hahaha, bro, you clearly were not top dog in her eyes. Perhaps you had her on a pedestal.

Spot on man. Whoever is doing the consoling is usually in the superior position. Her writing conveys HER as the prize over which the loss of must be lamented. Fvck that. OP should go no contact and bang some new girls at the first opportunity. Speaking of which...

OP - it's not unusual to be indifferent to other females for a while after breaking off an LTR. You need to recover and get your head straight first. Girls can smell the grief all over you until you do, and it's a huge turn-off for them.

 

[Findog]

Spot on man. Whoever is doing the consoling is usually in the superior position. Her writing conveys HER as the prize over which the loss of must be lamented. Fvck that. OP should go no contact and bang some new girls at the first opportunity. Speaking of which...

OP - it's not unusual to be indifferent to other females for a while after breaking off an LTR. You need to recover and get your head straight first. Girls can smell the grief all over you until you do, and it's a huge turn-off for them.

Actually having been through something very similar to the OP, that indifference to other females will work to his advantage if all he's trying to do is get laid. It certainly did for me the first year after my LTR suddenly came to an abrupt end. When I started trying to shoehorn girls onto a fast-track towards girlfriend status because I decided that that's what I needed to make uncomfortable feelings go away, that's when the p*ssy became harder to get.

 

[ayava]

I hadn't read it that way...interesting.

I guess this raises some good learning points for me as during the relationship I felt like the frame was not hers.

By way of example -

not long before this we had gotten into an argument over some of her behavior while we were out, and when we were on our way home, I put her in a cab, told the driver where to go, didn't get in and sent her home to her place alone.

I ended up dropping into a couple bars and eventually walked home to find her sitting on my front steps waiting for me for almost an hour in the cold.

While I felt like I did most things right with this one in terms of passing minor **** tests, etc, I guess I must have really screwed up a lot of things if you guys think she feels this way about herself relative to me.

I've maintained NC for weeks, and have no intention of breaking it, I just thought I would post an update and get feedback, which in the end made me feel like crap (haha) but its still good to learn from.

 

[Findog]

I hadn't read it that way...interesting.

I guess this raises some good learning points for me as during the relationship I felt like the frame was not hers.

By way of example -

not long before this we had gotten into an argument over some of her behavior while we were out, and when we were on our way home, I put her in a cab, told the driver where to go, didn't get in and sent her home to her place alone.

I ended up dropping into a couple bars and eventually walked home to find her sitting on my front steps waiting for me for almost an hour in the cold.

While I felt like I did most things right with this one in terms of passing minor **** tests, etc, I guess I must have really screwed up a lot of things if you guys think she feels this way about herself relative to me.

I've maintained NC for weeks, and have no intention of breaking it, I just thought I would post an update and get feedback, which in the end made me feel like crap (haha) but its still good to learn from.

Dude, you didn't screw anything up from the sound of your story. There's a strain of thought in the manosphere and pickup blogs that says if you get dumped, then you must have done something wrong, you didn't "maintain frame," you were too beta, etc. I think if the babe is sleeping with you and you get into a LTR then you can't be too beta.

Her email is not about trying to puff herself up, it's just verbal diarrhea and lame rationalizations that doesn't mean anything. She was overcome by powerful emotions telling her to get out, so she can find a lame excuse/reasons on the fly to justify those feelings. She pulled a Kate Bolick on you, nothing more, nothing less. There isn't anything you could have really done differently. Years from now she will regret it, but you can't convince her of that in real time:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/308654/

IN 2001, WHEN I was 28, I broke up with my boyfriend. Allan and I had been together for three years, and there was no good reason to end things. He was (and remains) an exceptional person, intelligent, good-looking, loyal, kind. My friends, many of whom were married or in marriage-track relationships, were bewildered. I was bewildered. To account for my behavior, all I had were two intangible yet undeniable convictions: something was missing; I wasn’t ready to settle down.

The period that followed was awful. I barely ate for sobbing all the time. (A friend who suffered my company a lot that summer sent me a birthday text this past July: “A decade ago you and I were reuniting, and you were crying a lot.”) I missed Allan desperately—his calm, sure voice; the sweetly fastidious way he folded his shirts. On good days, I felt secure that I’d done the right thing. Learning to be alone would make me a better person, and eventually a better partner. On bad days, I feared I would be alone forever. Had I made the biggest mistake of my life?

Ten years later, I occasionally ask myself the same question. Today I am 39, with too many ex-boyfriends to count and, I am told, two grim-seeming options to face down: either stay single or settle for a “good enough” mate. At this point, certainly, falling in love and getting married may be less a matter of choice than a stroke of wild great luck. A decade ago, luck didn’t even cross my mind. I’d been in love before, and I’d be in love again. This wasn’t hubris so much as naïveté; I’d had serious, long-term boyfriends since my freshman year of high school, and simply couldn’t envision my life any differently.

Well, there was a lot I didn’t know 10 years ago. The decision to end a stable relationship for abstract rather than concrete reasons (“something was missing”), I see now, is in keeping with a post-Boomer ideology that values emotional fulfillment above all else. And the elevation of independence over coupling (“I wasn’t ready to settle down”) is a second-wave feminist idea I’d acquired from my mother, who had embraced it, in part, I suspect, to correct for her own choices.

Kate Bolick is a f*cking idiot. Look at all that verbal diarrhea. What it boils down to is that Kate and your ex-girlfriend had a BMW, but they think that somewhere out there there's a Rolls Royce with their name on it. I suspect that either there's another guy in the wings that she wants to do the honeymoon with, since she can't do another honeymoon with you, or there is no guy in the wings but she's got some sort of idiot notion in her head that there may be something better out there for her and she should not be so quick and willing to settle down. Any sort of romantic entanglement she wants right now involves a lot less commitment and intimacy. My guess is your girlfriend probably does want to be single and free of the day to day responsibilities of a LTR, and thinks that getting a boyfriend and falling in love is as easy as ordering up a pizza, and she can get one anytime she wants.

You don't throw away something that isn't broken, something Kate Bolick had to find out the hard way and I suspect your ex will someday too. But there's nothing you can say or do today to convince her of that.

 

[AW1983]

While I felt like I did most things right with this one in terms of passing minor **** tests, etc, I guess I must have really screwed up a lot of things if you guys think she feels this way about herself relative to me.

Not necessarily man...but I will say that you might've started sliding down the AFC slope during the breakup. For example:

as I was leaving I said something to the effect of: just tell me you met someone or that I screwed something up or didn't do something, it has to be something other than "I want to be single."

A man with options, who is the prize, doesn't implore or beg for explanations. If a girl breaks up with him, he looks at her with an incredulous smirk and walks out the door...ostensibly on his way to capitalize on options. Had you done that, you might've found her waiting on your steps again, instead of that crappy email in your inbox.

Anyway, we all make mistakes man, live and learn brother.

 

[stephen_dedalus]

Dude, you didn't screw anything up from the sound of your story. There's a strain of thought in the manosphere and pickup blogs that says if you get dumped, then you must have done something wrong, you didn't "maintain frame," you were too beta, etc. I think if the babe is sleeping with you and you get into a LTR then you can't be too beta.

Her email is not about trying to puff herself up, it's just verbal diarrhea and lame rationalizations that doesn't mean anything. She was overcome by powerful emotions telling her to get out, so she can find a lame excuse/reasons on the fly to justify those feelings. She pulled a Kate Bolick on you, nothing more, nothing less. There isn't anything you could have really done differently. Years from now she will regret it, but you can't convince her of that in real time:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/308654/

IN 2001, WHEN I was 28, I broke up with my boyfriend. Allan and I had been together for three years, and there was no good reason to end things. He was (and remains) an exceptional person, intelligent, good-looking, loyal, kind. My friends, many of whom were married or in marriage-track relationships, were bewildered. I was bewildered. To account for my behavior, all I had were two intangible yet undeniable convictions: something was missing; I wasn’t ready to settle down.

The period that followed was awful. I barely ate for sobbing all the time. (A friend who suffered my company a lot that summer sent me a birthday text this past July: “A decade ago you and I were reuniting, and you were crying a lot.”) I missed Allan desperately—his calm, sure voice; the sweetly fastidious way he folded his shirts. On good days, I felt secure that I’d done the right thing. Learning to be alone would make me a better person, and eventually a better partner. On bad days, I feared I would be alone forever. Had I made the biggest mistake of my life?

Ten years later, I occasionally ask myself the same question. Today I am 39, with too many ex-boyfriends to count and, I am told, two grim-seeming options to face down: either stay single or settle for a “good enough” mate. At this point, certainly, falling in love and getting married may be less a matter of choice than a stroke of wild great luck. A decade ago, luck didn’t even cross my mind. I’d been in love before, and I’d be in love again. This wasn’t hubris so much as naïveté; I’d had serious, long-term boyfriends since my freshman year of high school, and simply couldn’t envision my life any differently.

Well, there was a lot I didn’t know 10 years ago. The decision to end a stable relationship for abstract rather than concrete reasons (“something was missing”), I see now, is in keeping with a post-Boomer ideology that values emotional fulfillment above all else. And the elevation of independence over coupling (“I wasn’t ready to settle down”) is a second-wave feminist idea I’d acquired from my mother, who had embraced it, in part, I suspect, to correct for her own choices.

Kate Bolick is a f*cking idiot. Look at all that verbal diarrhea. What it boils down to is that Kate and your ex-girlfriend had a BMW, but they think that somewhere out there there's a Rolls Royce with their name on it. I suspect that either there's another guy in the wings that she wants to do the honeymoon with, since she can't do another honeymoon with you, or there is no guy in the wings but she's got some sort of idiot notion in her head that there may be something better out there for her and she should not be so quick and willing to settle down. Any sort of romantic entanglement she wants right now involves a lot less commitment and intimacy. My guess is your girlfriend probably does want to be single and free of the day to day responsibilities of a LTR, and thinks that getting a boyfriend and falling in love is as easy as ordering up a pizza, and she can get one anytime she wants.

You don't throw away something that isn't broken, something Kate Bolick had to find out the hard way and I suspect your ex will someday too. But there's nothing you can say or do today to convince her of that.

Very interesting read man, this really hits home with some of my more recent experiences with the fairer sex.

 

[Hexagram]

Kate Bolick is a f*cking idiot. Look at all that verbal diarrhea. What it boils down to is that Kate and your ex-girlfriend had a BMW, but they think that somewhere out there there's a Rolls Royce with their name on it. I suspect that either there's another guy in the wings that she wants to do the honeymoon with, since she can't do another honeymoon with you, or there is no guy in the wings but she's got some sort of idiot notion in her head that there may be something better out there for her and she should not be so quick and willing to settle down. Any sort of romantic entanglement she wants right now involves a lot less commitment and intimacy. My guess is your girlfriend probably does want to be single and free of the day to day responsibilities of a LTR, and thinks that getting a boyfriend and falling in love is as easy as ordering up a pizza, and she can get one anytime she wants.

You don't throw away something that isn't broken, something Kate Bolick had to find out the hard way and I suspect your ex will someday too. But there's nothing you can say or do today to convince her of that.

Awesome post. Repped

 

[cordoncordon]

I think this is a decision she will regret sometime down the road and it would not surprise me at all if she wants to reconcile. In the meantime stay NC and while I would not advise getting back with her if she does decide that is what she wants, I can not speak for you.

IMO she did this because she was kind of bored, wanted something new/exciting, and felt confident enough in herself to do it. I don't believe there is some other guy who she left you for, though that does not mean a month from now she won't be in another LTR.

I know this really hurts. It probably feels like losing a brother, maybe even worse. You just keep asking "why?" Looking for any justifiable reason. The truth is there probably isn't anything specific other than what I wrote above. Women live and breathe for emotion. They need to 'feel'. Men are much more pragmatic and would look at something like breaking up a perfectly great relationship as foolhardy. They would look at the pain and suffering one has to go through, the ordeal of finding someone just as good or better, the stress of the whole thing and decide why ruin a good thing? I think that is why so many men can cheat and have it mean nothing. They still love their mate, they just want some 'strange' once in a while. It doesn't mean they would ever leave their gf or wife. I am not advocating cheating, just that a man can do it with no emotion involved whatsoever, whereas a women? Its all emotion all the time.

And that is what I think happened here. She needs that emotional spike that for whatever reason is missing right now.

She'll be back more than likely. I just wouldn't take her back. She has proven to be not loyal to you now, so she can do it again just as easily.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Here it is:
I want you to know that you didn't do anything wrong, at all. I'm sure it is hard to accept that, because if you did do something wrong, it would make it a lot easier to understand. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I need to be on my own. Again, this is no reflection of you or the relationship we had, which makes it incredibly hard for me do to.

I've been in a continuous relationship for ten years, since I was sixteen years old. I took a two month break before I met you, but besides that I have never been single, and I am not comfortable with that. It really scares me. I feel that if I don't have some time on my own I will never be completely happy or comfortable in a relationship. I honestly don't know much about myself or how I am on my own, because I have never experienced it in my adult life, and I think it is really important. And knowing this now makes it completely unfair to stay with you. I wish I could explain this better, I'm sure it makes no sense, but it is how I feel and I'm thankful that you are willing to respect my choice, even if it's painful. You are a very important person to me, and we did have a great relationship.

I'm sorry to put you in this position, it is so hard for me to hurt you and see you in pain. I want you to know again that you didn't do anything wrong, I swear, you were an amazing boyfriend, but at this point I need some space to work on who I am as an individual. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I've never had that experience. I also want you to know that there is no one else. I know that you know that, but I want to make sure you have no doubts. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make, but I knew that if I didn't do it now, I would end up hurting you further down the road when I came to this realization at a more critical time in our future. I have no regrets about our relationship. I know you will be okay and will have an amazing life, but it is hard to recover from a breakup. It is hard for me too. I think we can eventually talk in person, but for now it is better to take some time.

I think it's plausible that what she's saying is at least partially true. of course, in order to understand it, you need to translate it from woman-ese first. When she says that she doesn't know much about herself or how she is on her own, what she's actually saying is that she wants to get a taste of the Sex and the City-type lifestyle and experience a greater variety of sausage in her life. It's hard to blame her, really, as the media is relentless in pushing this kind of sh*t on women these days.

As other have said, it doesn't really matter why she dumped you. Although it may be hard to accept, you don't mean very much to her (despite her claims to the contrary) and she does not see a future with you. That's all you really need to know.

 

[GotED?]

My question to the OP is:

1) How is your financial situation, are you consider below average, average, or above average in finances? Do you have lots of debt?

2) What is your appearance and body build (fit level) when compared to your ex? Who is hotter and who is fatter?

I think without knowing these common women boy-toy attributes, it is hard to determine why she lost interest in you for a serious LTR contribution because those 2 traits are what fish-hooks a woman.

With respect,

Exodus

 

[ayava]

My question to the OP is:

1) How is your financial situation, are you consider below average, average, or above average in finances? Do you have lots of debt?

2) What is your appearance and body build (fit level) when compared to your ex? Who is hotter and who is fatter?

I think without knowing these common women boy-toy attributes, it is hard to determine why she lost interest in you for a serious LTR contribution because those 2 traits are what fish-hooks a woman.

With respect,

Exodus

1) I'm an attorney and work in finance, I'm fairly well off compared to most of the U.S. and probably average for NYC finance types. No debt.

2) I hit the gym 4/5 days a week and would say that I'm more fit than a vast majority of the guys I run into on average. She was comparable.

 

[GotED?]

How are you in comparison to your ex- in level of attractiveness (say, you think you are a 7, and she's a 8, etc)

 

[ayava]

My opinion - I would say evenly matched, but people were surprised that she dumped me and not the other way around.

I get a decent amount of female attention without any effort.

Its hard for me to quantify but at best I can assume we were evenly matched in attractiveness and I would put her at a 7.5-8.

I posted most of this not because I'm afraid of being alone or think that I can't get another girl, I just like to review what might have gone wrong and learn from it.

I should point out, which I forgot to mention, throughout the relationship she was a little hesitant whenever any commitment stuff came up -i.e. moving in together, relocating for work, etc.

This wasn't prompted really by any request of mine or hers, but we had leases ending, job offers etc. She was reluctant to move or move in basically during the the term of the relationship. I didn't really care too much because I didn't want to a) move or b) move in together. Although looking back I should have noticed this as a red flag.

Aside from that her interest level in me and the relationship and sexual interest was high, even in the days before the break-up.

 

[vatoloco]

Not trying to be a dick here but, I think you continuing to over-analyze this is detrimental to your growth:

And this is exactly the mistake that a lot of people who want to be good with women make. Over-analyzing things to death. Sure, analyze and learn but also MOVE ON.

From here.

I've gone out a bit and gotten some phone numbers/made out with some women but don't really have the urge to call any of these people. Interacting with women seems to not interest me at all right now. Does this seem normal?

It is. But you have to force yourself to go out. Otherwise, how are you gonna meet your Lorraine?

'sides, you don't really have to listen!

 

[GotED?]

It just sounds like you were not what she was looking for in a very SERIOUS LTR (marriage, etc) although she enjoyed you physically and sexually.

Also, she may be fooked up in the head - been there many times before, nothing you can do but count your blessings and move on. Apparently she did have fear of committment issues as she shyed away from those things in the past that escalates committment in a relationship.

Lastly, she may had gotten into her head that IF she could get a lawyer who is educated and physically attractive, what is stopping her to get something even better?

Women + Ego = pure stupidity.

She will look you up when she is done with her One Stooge act and get dumped by some player in the near future who totally skanks her bootie and leave her hanging by her panties.

Best thing you can do is do WAY BETTER - and I am not joking. Count your blessings before you got married to someone like her who is not marriage material (nor maturity level worth pursuing, seriously)

With respect,

Exodus

 

[SSBS]

I want you to know that you didn't do anything wrong, at all. I'm sure it is hard to accept that, because if you did do something wrong, it would make it a lot easier to understand. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I need to be on my own. Again, this is no reflection of you or the relationship we had, which makes it incredibly hard for me do to.

I've been in a continuous relationship for ten years, since I was sixteen years old. I took a two month break before I met you, but besides that I have never been single, and I am not comfortable with that. It really scares me. I feel that if I don't have some time on my own I will never be completely happy or comfortable in a relationship. I honestly don't know much about myself or how I am on my own, because I have never experienced it in my adult life, and I think it is really important. And knowing this now makes it completely unfair to stay with you. I wish I could explain this better, I'm sure it makes no sense, but it is how I feel and I'm thankful that you are willing to respect my choice, even if it's painful. You are a very important person to me, and we did have a great relationship.

I'm sorry to put you in this position, it is so hard for me to hurt you and see you in pain. I want you to know again that you didn't do anything wrong, I swear, you were an amazing boyfriend, but at this point I need some space to work on who I am as an individual. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I've never had that experience. I also want you to know that there is no one else. I know that you know that, but I want to make sure you have no doubts. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make, but I knew that if I didn't do it now, I would end up hurting you further down the road when I came to this realization at a more critical time in our future. I have no regrets about our relationship. I know you will be okay and will have an amazing life, but it is hard to recover from a breakup. It is hard for me too. I think we can eventually talk in person, but for now it is better to take some time.

3 paragraphs to say "It's not you, it's me."

Move on. Don't look back. Women write **** like that to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. This has nothing to do with you at all.

I hope you didn't respond to that e-mail.

 

[ayava]

Ran into her last night at my friends bar, first time seeing each other in 5 weeks, she was with her girlfriends and seemed to be just fine.

We didn't talk, I didn't approach, or acknowledge her. Just kept chatting up the woman next to me.

I thought I was going to be ok and earlier in the day I got a girls number and was feeling pretty good.

Now I feel like total **** this morning and like a forgotten person.

 

[st_99]

Now I feel like total **** this morning and like a forgotten person.

yeah, i hear you. who hasnt felt that way before. but, reality (womens hypergamous nature as rollo preaches) says you have to accept and get over it.

The way i look at, at some point in life its good to completely dismantle that little boy (as i like to refer to it as) way of thinking about girls, oh my! how could she just forget about me? did our love mean nothing? this simply cannot be, oh the pain!

its all a bit silly. just learn to embrace hypergamy, not in a cynical way, just, it is what it is.