Love, Truth, Fear or just another reason to next it

[GotToGetIt]

Happy new year my fellow DJ's. I do not post often, but lurk often, and what a wealth of information here. I come to you with a request for a little sleuthing. Perhaps you will figure this is a simple case of low interest and poor DJ'ing on my part, and that is fine. I am looking for the truth, and advice on the next move.

In short: dating a girl for two months. Played it very cool in the beginning. She asked me for the relationship after about a week. Accepted. Still kept it cool. No overly strong statements of love or any of that in the first two months. Things seemed to be going well. Sex great. Also did other things such as meet some of her friends she wanted me to meet etc. Did other things together, stayed at her place and vice/versa fairly frequently, but also kept my frame and had my own routine never interrupted on a daily basis. Had my solitude. FForward to the holiday break. I had plans for her to meet me at a wedding of one of my buddies which happened to be about two hours from where she lived. As soon as we both were home for break things seemed to get a little distant on her end (just a bit longer to text back etc) but still was calling me etc. Three days before said wedding she bails...Her initial request was to give me the choice of having her there if she was unsure of us, but I more or less nexted her then and there (or you could say she nexted me. It was unclear). Didn't say a word to her. Two days later she basically states that she wasn't resolved to break up when she called and also that she loved me very much. This was the first time the L word was ever mentioned. Said she is afraid of vulnerability. That the only other guy she loved was back in high-school. Etc. etc. I am sure you get the gist.

Moreover, says she wants to see me when she returns from break but can give me no gaurantees. Said she has doubts. She also said and I quote "vulnerability is the culprit to many of my actions."

In short, does this equal low and no interest respectively? Should I see her when she returns? Could someone truly be afraid that they are falling in love and will get burned? Or is that just code for "I am not into you." As long as I keep my frame and pursue other girls in the interim or simply keep my emotional frame, should I be flexible with this? Certainly don't want to live with ambiguity, but would be willing to give this girl some time to see where we go from here if she pursues the rapprochement when she gets back.

Sidenote: this individuals family history is replete with divorce etc.

 

[Splendidostring]

Hi Gottogetit,

I had plans for her to meet me at a wedding of one of my buddies which happened to be about two hours from where she lived. As soon as we both were home for break things seemed to get a little distant on her end (just a bit longer to text back etc) but still was calling me etc. Three days before said wedding she bails...Her initial request was to give me the choice of having her there if she was unsure of us, but I more or less nexted her then and there (or you could say she nexted me. It was unclear)

Looks like she had some sort of reaction related to that. I would say she is insecure, she seems to need you to lead the relation. She sends mixed signals, she says she loves you very much and at the same time she has doubts. Looks like she hasn't figured out what she wants yet.

There's one thing for sure, she seems to have feelings for you, so personnally
I'd still give it a chance (as long as you're sure about the fact you want her).

I'm not an expert but that's what I'd do there.

 

[Mr. Me]

Mixed signals = low interest.

A woman can't say she LOVES you and then express doubts about wanting to see you. Not unless she's insane. Or low interest.

I'd venture a guess that when, after one week of dating she wanted a relationship, there was very high interest on her part.

You accepting after just one week started the lowering of that interest.

Staying at her place and vice versa also gave plenty of ops for interest to be lowered, I'll bet.

>> but I more or less nexted her then and there (or you could say she nexted me. It was unclear) >>

Someone woke up that morning and nexted the other.

>> That the only other guy she loved was back in high-school. Etc. etc. I am sure you get the gist.... Could someone truly be afraid that they are falling in love and will get burned?... this individuals family history is replete with divorce etc. >>

AKA your ego trying to make rhyme and reason out of her low interest.

>> Should I see her when she returns? >>

You should be more like, "Hey sweetie, when you figure it all out and don't have ANY doubts, let me know! If I'm still available, maybe I'll see ya then!" and go out with other girls.

 

[Phyzzle]

In short, does this equal low and no interest respectively? Should I see her when she returns? Could someone truly be afraid that they are falling in love and will get burned? Or is that just code for "I am not into you.

Normally, it's just a line. But this one could easily be telling the truth, simply because it doesn't sound like her head is on straight. Normally, people near our age aren't still moping over that time we got dumped in High School. And normally, people don't ask for a relationship after a week. It's possible that in this case, you really did nothing to lower her interest. It's possible that she's just a neurotic old cat lady in the making, and not fit for any relationship.

 

[jophil28]

Normally, it's just a line. But this one could easily be telling the truth, simply because it doesn't sound like her head is on straight. Normally, people near our age aren't still moping over that time we got dumped in High School. And normally, people don't ask for a relationship after a week. It's possible that in this case, you really did nothing to lower her interest. It's possible that she's just a neurotic old cat lady in the making, and not fit for any relationship.

Good words here.

To the OP..sometimes you just have to accept that women are a confused mess of swirling emotional demons.

Does it make logical sense that a woman who is afraid of "vulnerability" would dive head long into a relationship in a week ?
She wanted YOU to sign up with her while she drifted along with her unstable feelings guiding her. Then when she was faced with actually BEING in a relationship and acting like one half of a couple ( going to the wedding ) she baulked.
THis woman is one of a large group of disturbed femnales with want a superficial ROMANCE only.She wants the 'the zap' from swirling brain chemicals.

WE guys sometimes mistake their initial attraction to us as INTEREST at a deeper level and then when the intial honeymoon buzz wanes, we are bewildered by their behavior.

A woman who wants only the juice of a romance will seek to be with you ONLY in ways that feed that need. A woman who has real INTEREST in you would eagerly go to a wedding, or any other outing just to be BESIDE you.

The greatest truths are in their behavior.

 

[guru1000]

The warning signs were there before that wedding flake day. You were unprepared to walk away when the frame slid out of your grip.

The frame is compromised and should only be met with one response.

Walk away. Do not expend your valuable energies with a women who has doubts with your time.

 

[decades]

I can tell you're nuts about this woman who is a typical mixed up romance addict who adores the first 60 days of meeting the latest love of her life. I think you are in danger of getting sucked in here because she is never ever going to be "Sure" about you or anyone, but you are smitten. All you would get out of her is "push pull". This thing moved way too fast. I think you need to walk the walk and spin plates instead of merely talking the talk. Also are you guys long distance and did you meet online?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Got to get,
Quite obviously Low interest combined with a lack of better options....Just use her and spin plates.....Her disfunctional background makes the prospects for a long term relationship seem a bit dodgy anyway.

 

[GotToGetIt]

Gentlemen,
I appreciate the candid responses. To answer a few queries:
a) we are not long distance.
b) we did not meet online.

Let me be clear: did I get dinged a touch? Sure.
Have I re-established frame? Probably on my part yes, now. I was out tonight on the prowl, but yet not forcing what wasn't there. I am a cat that loves solitude. I don't give a flying f*ck if I have to come home and read/study.

I agree that I should not waste time with someone who is unsure. If she rings me when she gets back, maybe I'll meet up. In reviewing my actions in the first two months:

accepting the relationship after 2 weeks (about) may have started to drop that interest, yes. Should have balked for more time. Then again, the chick was showing high interest at that point, figured I might as well go along with it. I did not do anything I think fundamentally poor as she stated in her communication with me (post-break) that she wanted to hear 'more' of how I felt for her and was somewhat 'annoyed' that I wasn't telling her what was going on with me. Note she also invited me to a wedding of one of her friends, which I attended (after giving appropriate time to inform her of my decision); she was adamant that I meet her friends, etc. This I found a bit odd if she was just looking for romance. These were close friends. Also thought at times I was indeed just a f*** toy, but when she started saying after this all these emotions were hard for her, I started wondering? A f**k toy would simply be nexted yes? While all the extended contact on her part? I have been sparse in my communications with her--and I may have faltered in that in those few communications, I expressed my care for her in one. Desperation? My boys didn't think so (I am not claiming they are true DJs) but of course perhaps she perceived it as such. Nevertheless, my communication has ceased. If she returns and requests a get-together, is it FOR SURE that I should next it and just get on with it? I don't expect anything given her ambivalent behavior, but I don't want to leave any stone unturned.

 

[GotToGetIt]

As an aside: I think initially she didn't give a f**k about vulnerability b/c there was none. She wanted to have a little romance etc. Why not continue this romance if she wasn't really into me? At least she was getting sex consistently. I can't imagine I lowered her interest that bad, but perhaps I did. Running from a boytoy makes no sense to me unless she started to develop feelings which made her uncomfortable. Then again, as the above poster pointed out, perhaps that is simply my ego trying to soften the blow. That said, I'll know when she gets back and if and when I am not thick with someone else. My ego bounces back quick.

 

[jophil28]

You can drive yourself balmy with endless speculation about what is going on in her skull.
You can not make sense out of nonsense, and you never will.
Whenever I encounter bizarro behavior in a woman these days I detach without another word and wait for her next move (at the same time I setting up something with the next contender in line )

I quit trying to "understand" my women a few years ago after a BPD wreck.

I work on the premise that if she WANTS to be with me she will find ways to do so, and if not then, bye bye.

 

[jophil28]

Secondly, a sane woman who has high interest level with SUBMIT to your frame readily .
I am sure that you all have had the experience with women who MOLD and shape themselves to fit you , your expectations and your requirements.
The frame is yours and YOU are its architect.
Sometimes a woman will try to dismantle your power in ways that bewilder and confuse even the smartest among us. Is this a "test" of your inner strength , OR a nasty POWER struggle.
They look the same but the outcomes are different.. IF it is a 'test' and you refuse to submit to it or smash it, then you pass the test and she draws closer.
IF it is a power struggle for TURF, and you refuse to give ground, then she will try to punish you, sulk and pout, withhold sex, flirt or cheat with others, or disappear in a fit of rage.

 

[GotToGetIt]

Jophil28,
I appreciate your thoughts here. I like to work on that same ground that if she wants to be with me she will find ways to do so. Which means here, she clearly did not want to be with me at the wedding. For whatever dumbass reason. She even mentioned that when I did NOT text her, she thought I was losing interest.

That said, if she want's to 'see me' when she returns to explain all of this in person, she will find a way to contact me. Whether or not I attend is a different story. She returns in the next three days.

All in all, while there is more 'context' to the whole situation, it all comes down to what is being said here. Girl has low interest. It is my job now to understand how I lowered that interest and learn into the next skirt that chases me.

To the hardest core of DJ's: are there ANY circumstances under which meeting her is acceptable. The only reason I would meet her is to hear "whatever she has to say." I could give her this or I could simply deny her that. Who wins that power game?

 

[Mr. Me]

accepting the relationship after 2 weeks (about) may have started to drop that interest, yes. Should have balked for more time. Then again, the chick was showing high interest at that point, figured I might as well go along with it.

Instead of keeping her interest high (or even driving it higher) by continuing to have her pursue you by not getting into a relationship so fast, which is also smart because you've only dated a week or so and hardly know the kind of person she is at that point.

she wanted to hear 'more' of how I felt for her and was somewhat 'annoyed' that I wasn't telling her what was going on with me.

Because she didn't know where she stood and when they can't tell, they ask directly. But, the thing is, giving in to their requests, 99% of the time, also has the effect of lowering interest, because then they know where they stand and relax their guard.

she was adamant that I meet her friends, etc. This I found a bit odd if she was just looking for romance.

She wanted a relationship, right? When you're in a relationship, you get introduced to friends and family. I don't get how she can ask you for a relationship after about a week or so and you're thinking she just wants a FWB.

She even mentioned that when I did NOT text her, she thought I was losing interest.

If she's using that as a reason why she cancelled going to the wedding, know that women have a tendency to flip blame onto the man and usually never give you the real reasons they do these things.

Also, if a woman who had high interest in you thought that she was losing you, she'd jump over hoops to not let that happen. She'd have gone to the wedding, she'd return your calls promptly, etc.

my job now to understand how I lowered that interest

Another scenario is that you may or may not have lowered her interest, but that she had higher interest in someone else. Someone who lives in her home town. Someone she saw again when she went home on break. An ex perhaps?:

"As soon as we both were home for break things seemed to get a little distant on her end (just a bit longer to text back etc) but still was calling me etc. Three days before said wedding she bails."

And she may trying to keep you on the back burner, in case it doesn't work out with him:

"says she wants to see me when she returns from break but can give me no gaurantees."

 

[GotToGetIt]

Just one contextual factor here: It is not like I met this girl cold. I had a class with her a term ago (although we never said anything to each other). Also, prior to securing our first coffee and later dinner dates, there was a lot of FBook messaging banter. So there was some background. Nevertheless, she did ask for the relationship soon after we started 'dating'. At most three full weeks.

As for the case of the X that is possible.

Here is a brief snippit of her conversation with me. Of course NOTHING can be deduced from this, but some of the veteran and/or previously married DJ's maybe be able to decode what is going on here. Also, any DJ that has dealt with a BPD train wreck may have better insight. Also, before pasting, I wanted to say that my 'vocation' if you will is an academic who studies attachment---it is what I do day in and day out---so excuse the perseverating on trying to make sense out of what offers none and probably won't. I code infants and adult interview transcripts almost day in and day out. It is just tendency.

i knew you were cautious with those words. that was always apparent to me. but i guess it perhaps annoyed me, i guess i believed you were not allowing yourself to feel whatever was going on for you. i did appreciate your texts. when i didn't get one, i guess i took it as you loosing interest. i enjoyed them.... even though i always got them in the morning. perhaps i have felt that a lot of our conversations have emerged like this.... or via text. i guess that has bothered me. but i did like those texts. i did like waking up and reaching for my phone to see what you wrote. i loved falling asleep on your chest and waking up next to you in the morning. more so than anyone else. i apologize if what i am saying to you is confusing. it's where i am at now. even though there was much that was left unsaid... i felt, still feel like you get me. and i worry that feeling will go away.

 

[guru1000]

It is my job now to understand how I lowered that interest and learn into the next skirt that chases me.

By compromising yourself in being with her. Whenever a woman covertly (stops returning calls) or overtly disrespects you, she is testing your self respect and character. She wants to know if you are WILLING to compromise yourself for her.

In other words, if she FEELS you are willing to put her on a pedestal before you, she has WON you. You are no longer a commodity to be competed for. If you are no longer in demand (not competed for), your price tag goes down.

A woman will ALWAYS hold on to a man of perceived higher value. This is truly how a frame should be managed.

When you FEEL distance as you mentioned in the original post, this is a frame tester. You respond to this by creating more distance. Why would you chase a girl of perceived lower value? You MUST wait for her to come to you with the correct context. This is when she will surrender to you once again.

If she created distance or disrespected you (overtly or covertly) and you continue to maintain communication, you have just proven to her you do not hold much value.

This is part of the process Don Juan. Move on to the next one.

 

[GotToGetIt]

I have had LIMITED communication. Yes some, but very limited since this little 'frame tester.'

 

[GotToGetIt]

One thing for sure: I will not be abdicating my role and playing therapist to her. She knows her role was second to mine in the relationship. Everyone that saw us together knew it. Not in a demeaning way, but I always lead, never follow.

 

[Mr. Me]

Just one contextual factor here: It is not like I met this girl cold. I had a class with her a term ago (although we never said anything to each other). Also, prior to securing our first coffee and later dinner dates, there was a lot of FBook messaging banter. So there was some background. Nevertheless, she did ask for the relationship soon after we started 'dating'. At most three full weeks.

You keep changing how long it took to get into this relationship. First it was a week in post #1, then about two in post #9, now it's three in post #15.

Time put in prior to dating doesn't count, I say. That's because it's a different relationship if you haven't dated. You had a classmate relationship and a facebook messaging relationship. Dating is whole 'nuther thing. You could know someone for a couple of years and then start dating, and sometime after that is when you're going to START finding out what they're really like.

Here is a brief snippit of her conversation with me

I'll decode it. She's got another guy, she's not sure about how it's going to go with him. She's reflecting on the good things she liked with you.

Don't take that as an encouraging sign, I don't mean it that way. That could be just her letting you down gently. My feeling: She's a problem. What you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. Bottom line is she bailed out on you. And she's not with you, but with who knows who. That all earns her a good bye forever. I like Doc Love's rule and it probably applies here, so I quote: "One chance, per girl, per lifetime."

 

[GotToGetIt]

DonS,
F***** loved it bro, very good ****.