what a mixed up pile of Garbaaage she wrote. She is a quintessential romance addict drama queen who "loves being in love" until, well next Tuesday when she "isn't feeling it bro". But I can tell you one thing. Because of the mixed messages and push pull construct strewn throughout this text and likely her other communications with you, she has got you confused and starting threads on Sosuave. Cut your losses. And save that text. You can use it as a marker to measure future GF's coherence.
Love, Truth, Fear or just another reason to next it
- Thread starter GotToGetIt
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GotToGetIt
Don Juan
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Mr. Me.
My apologies for not being clear on the time factor here. I do not for a minute think that any prior time had anything at all to do with it. I just wanted to be clear it was not like I met this chick one night, and was dating her a week later.
I may be confused, but I can tell you this, I already got some game locked up for this week. The question is this: can I maintain frame with her, perhaps get a lil' while judging her veracity? A girl knows she 'does not' have a guy. And while I may show a little oneitis here, rest mutherf****ing assured that I have a good ability to be disciplined and restrained. Me being confused does not = she has me. If she nailed another bro, she needs to say it, and I am one and done with her.
My apologies for not being clear on the time factor here. I do not for a minute think that any prior time had anything at all to do with it. I just wanted to be clear it was not like I met this chick one night, and was dating her a week later.
I may be confused, but I can tell you this, I already got some game locked up for this week. The question is this: can I maintain frame with her, perhaps get a lil' while judging her veracity? A girl knows she 'does not' have a guy. And while I may show a little oneitis here, rest mutherf****ing assured that I have a good ability to be disciplined and restrained. Me being confused does not = she has me. If she nailed another bro, she needs to say it, and I am one and done with her.
jophil28
Master Don Juan
And that gentlemen, is how you construct and deploy your anti-loonie/BPD/HPD shield.guru1000 said:
No crazy baitych could penetrate this stategy and avoid detection in the process.
AIRWARRIOR71
Don Juan
Dude I am going to call you on this...you are giving her the chance to mess with your head and she is the prize. If you can't walk away and either let her come to you on your terms, or risk she won't make that move, then you are not in control and she is leading YOU no matter what people who see you together "think" is going on.GotToGetIt said:
I feel you are putting her on the pedestal since you had some good times...this chick doesn't have the monopoly on your happiness. Its painful at first, but you have to walk/back away/no communication, whatever way you want to put it...so that you have reset the frame and made YOURSELF the prize NOT her.
Be a commodity that she and other ladies want by being mindful of your own value and not squandering yourself on low quality opportunities. Be the reward. Back to basics for now...get your self-esteem back, go find other chicks that interest you, and get back on the horse!
GotToGetIt
Don Juan
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Airwarrior,
good words my friend. Let me say this: she already knows she will have to come back on 'my terms.' I am incommunicado right now. If she wants to see me she will have to beg to see me. And if and when I feel it is sufficient that she has begged, on my terms, where the f*** I want, when the f*** I want, then I may see her. But even then, I am going to light her up if that occurs.
Getting back on the horse has already been achieved. As I noted, my weekend is already booked. She texted again about the big Steelers win. Did I reply. No. Will I reply? No. I will only reply to a communication indicating that she is badly wanting to see me and then I might be 'unavailable' for that night.
PS: When Doc Love says once chance, per girl, per lifetime, where and when does one allow the once chance mulligan rule to be employed. Forgive me my SS brethern, I have not kept up-to-date with my reading.
good words my friend. Let me say this: she already knows she will have to come back on 'my terms.' I am incommunicado right now. If she wants to see me she will have to beg to see me. And if and when I feel it is sufficient that she has begged, on my terms, where the f*** I want, when the f*** I want, then I may see her. But even then, I am going to light her up if that occurs.
Getting back on the horse has already been achieved. As I noted, my weekend is already booked. She texted again about the big Steelers win. Did I reply. No. Will I reply? No. I will only reply to a communication indicating that she is badly wanting to see me and then I might be 'unavailable' for that night.
PS: When Doc Love says once chance, per girl, per lifetime, where and when does one allow the once chance mulligan rule to be employed. Forgive me my SS brethern, I have not kept up-to-date with my reading.
GotToGetIt
Don Juan
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Airwarrior,
good words my friend. Let me say this: she already knows she will have to come back on 'my terms.' I am incommunicado right now. If she wants to see me she will have to beg to see me. And if and when I feel it is sufficient that she has begged, on my terms, where the f*** I want, when the f*** I want, then I may see her. But even then, I am going to light her up if that occurs.
Getting back on the horse has already been achieved. As I noted, my weekend is already booked. She texted again about the big Steelers win. Did I reply. No. Will I reply? No. I will only reply to a communication indicating that she is badly wanting to see me and then I might be 'unavailable' for that night.
PS: When Doc. Love says one chance, per girl, per lifetime, where is the one chance allowable? Forgive me my SS brethern as I have not had time to keep up with the requisite reading.
good words my friend. Let me say this: she already knows she will have to come back on 'my terms.' I am incommunicado right now. If she wants to see me she will have to beg to see me. And if and when I feel it is sufficient that she has begged, on my terms, where the f*** I want, when the f*** I want, then I may see her. But even then, I am going to light her up if that occurs.
Getting back on the horse has already been achieved. As I noted, my weekend is already booked. She texted again about the big Steelers win. Did I reply. No. Will I reply? No. I will only reply to a communication indicating that she is badly wanting to see me and then I might be 'unavailable' for that night.
PS: When Doc. Love says one chance, per girl, per lifetime, where is the one chance allowable? Forgive me my SS brethern as I have not had time to keep up with the requisite reading.
This is about the third time you've asked essentially the same question. You keep waiting for someone to say "go ahead give her another chance." We aren't going to. So if you do, or when you do, it's on you. All of us have said to move on, cut your losses, she's trouble. But typically, that's not what a guy in your position (still smitten) wants to hear. You'll see her again and you may even have some fun for a week or two or maybe even a few months. But there is only one way this will end.GotToGetIt said:
Don't seek our permission as cover for your own decision. You may own the frame in the beginning if she comes back, but you will lose it. Not because you lack "skill". But because she cares less than you do, and will act accordingly. That's a given. She is never going to "feel" you 100% there. That's because you will never trust her enough with your feelings to go "all in" in the way she wants. Yet, it's a No Win situation because if you ever did put all your emotions on the line and commit, she would yank the rug out from under you, discard you, and leave you in heap by the side of the road.
So you can expect a lot more texts (the kind that leave you needing to employ an interpreter to figure out) like the one you posted, subtly "putting it all on you". Now please, do what you plan to do anyway. Man up. Make your own mistakes. In relationships, it may be the only way you can learn.
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Scaramouche
Master Don Juan
Dear Got to Get It,
I have reread your first post....It is very confusing at the crucial point where things went wrong "Her initial request was to give me the choice of having her there if she was unsure of us" What on Earth does this statement mean ?then follows"but I more or less nexted her then and there (or you could say she nexted me. It was unclear)"This is the very nub of the dispute and yet what really happened?what do these confusing statements mean?One construction could be that she had cold feet about the Wedding,perhaps unfamiliar company or it being concrete evidence to all that your joint relationship had progressed to another level....You on your part seem to have been very dissapointed about her ambivalence and to have over reacted....These Phone calls and texts are very unsatisfactory mediums for conveying the emotions....A measured response at her expressing uncertainty would have been to have a face to face over lunch or a coffee and sorting things out...When you are young,many unfamiliar social situations can seem daunting,many Uni Girls at her age can be emotionally very immature....However,you have invested a lot of time,emotion and money on this lady who for her part gave you good sex,no small thing...Just walking away from her over a small tiff, is madness.Suggest that you rightsize the relationship for a while,see her twice a week that will enable you to pursue other options in a relaxed manner....Regular sex is very necessary for a Man your age,don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
I have reread your first post....It is very confusing at the crucial point where things went wrong "Her initial request was to give me the choice of having her there if she was unsure of us" What on Earth does this statement mean ?then follows"but I more or less nexted her then and there (or you could say she nexted me. It was unclear)"This is the very nub of the dispute and yet what really happened?what do these confusing statements mean?One construction could be that she had cold feet about the Wedding,perhaps unfamiliar company or it being concrete evidence to all that your joint relationship had progressed to another level....You on your part seem to have been very dissapointed about her ambivalence and to have over reacted....These Phone calls and texts are very unsatisfactory mediums for conveying the emotions....A measured response at her expressing uncertainty would have been to have a face to face over lunch or a coffee and sorting things out...When you are young,many unfamiliar social situations can seem daunting,many Uni Girls at her age can be emotionally very immature....However,you have invested a lot of time,emotion and money on this lady who for her part gave you good sex,no small thing...Just walking away from her over a small tiff, is madness.Suggest that you rightsize the relationship for a while,see her twice a week that will enable you to pursue other options in a relaxed manner....Regular sex is very necessary for a Man your age,don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
GotToGetIt
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Scaramouche,
I appreciate this. That said, I get the point of 90% of the posts here which is that I am getting played, toyed, used and abused just from her oscillation and ambivalence. Best play is to next it. DO I FEEL THE PULL TO WAIT AND SEE WHAT SHE DOES WHEN SHE RETURNS? YES. I CAN MAN UP AND ADMIT THAT. That being said, I have lined up some options in the meantime. I am going to wait and see what she does when she returns. This is in the next two days. I am not going to contact her. She is the one that said she wanted to see me when she returns. It is her call.
A bit of context here and I know I'll probably get flamed for providing non-full context. She called, expressed uncertainty about the wedding (of my friend) and said her feelings had changed in re: us to a degree. I immediately went into preservation mode and said 'don't come then' and more or less said 'best of luck'. The conversation was short and ended. It was two days later when she started a chat laying out what I have mainly described in the earlier posts. She said she was "unresolved to break up" when she called (true, I more or less gave her the push to do so--I did not fight it) and also, immediately after she said her feelings had changed I said not to come to the wedding and hence the push to end it noted above(I cut her off in re'ing to what this feeling change was about).
Then the long chat about vulnerability, fear, uncertainty, feeling different for me than anyone else and ultimately that 'she loved me.' We were two months in. This was the first she used the "L" word. Perhaps to let me down easy? Funny way of doing that. Note that I had already attended a wedding of her friends, the girl is going to be 28 in two days etc. Yes, family history of chaos. As an aside, her outward demeanor does not suggest BPD, but this may be implicit evidence of it. She also had PhD level internship interviews the Monday after the wedding as well as throughout this week. Whether this is a candy-ass excuse or not is pretty much something I don't want to ponder anymore. I don't know well how she reacts to that stress (seems she does get a bit stressed over it--it is a big step). For me, when I am stressed and in a relationship, I want the partner around. Hell, my field of study (PhD) is attachment relationships. Thus I don't want to try and analyze this any further. It is insane. I analyze others' infants and adults for a fuc**** living. It is hard to not go into this mode even naturally and when you do what I do, it is almost suicide.
We were dating two months. Things were progressing well. There was no drop off in sex prior to the holiday departure. Emotions seemed intact. As Doc Love has stated however, perhaps she was feeling she was going to pull this for a long-time...However, hell we were only rolling two months, and as she knew I had to make a special request for her seat at the table, it would have been class to tell me ahead of time that she did not want to come. I asked specifically before we parted for break and she said she was in. She knew a special place was being reserved for her. Any sane chick who had class would have said "It's best I don't come to this one" well before I had the plate reserved.
No clue as to how I lowered her interest level. Some have pointed out possible avenues here but I am being honest when I say I maintained the FRAME in this one save for accepting being in a relationship at her request and I guess maybe after a month I would call her to say goodnight. **** was not done excessively at all. I mean hell, in a burgeoning relationship, aren't you supposed to do that? There were not "I love you's" on my part, no statements of intense desire beyond the ostensible "I like you" implied ****. I got her a 12 dollar t-shirt when I was home on Thanksgiving break. I took her out to three dinners. It ain't like I lost frame. I thought I was being a gentlemen. When with me, she was always affectionate, always had a hand on me, always showed interest. My buddies were shocked to hear this went down. Perhaps it is a simple example of being "played". I am not claiming no DJ status at all, but I don't think I was even close to AFC. Futures are uncertain for both of us after the next six months (both PhD-level) but we knew that before going in. She knew that. If she didn't like that thought then, why ask to be in a relationship? Why not just f***. Don't get it.
At any rate, she states she wants to see me when she gets back as mentioned. Says she misses me, doesn't know where her love and missing for me will take us "if anywhere." As such, her call. I have ceased contact. Is the girl afraid of falling in? I myself have never been afraid to be vulnerable---a hallmark of secure attachment. She may be...but to me, I don't understand how someone could experience fear of falling in love. Hell I have been burned and done burning, but I always will never have the fear of putting it all on the line when necessary--not in an AFC manner, but in a manner that has to be some semblance of a god**** reciprocal relationship where each party finds security in the other and can express emotions to each other.
We'll see. I am happy that I have been blasted by most posters here. It keeps my frame intact and keeps me from kidding myself into ridiculous explanations for the most parsimonious one: Girl was toying with me, not into me, boned another guy on break, or otherwise wants to wash her hands of me. Funny way to do that by saying to the other party you loved them for the first time.
Peace
GTGETIT
I appreciate this. That said, I get the point of 90% of the posts here which is that I am getting played, toyed, used and abused just from her oscillation and ambivalence. Best play is to next it. DO I FEEL THE PULL TO WAIT AND SEE WHAT SHE DOES WHEN SHE RETURNS? YES. I CAN MAN UP AND ADMIT THAT. That being said, I have lined up some options in the meantime. I am going to wait and see what she does when she returns. This is in the next two days. I am not going to contact her. She is the one that said she wanted to see me when she returns. It is her call.
A bit of context here and I know I'll probably get flamed for providing non-full context. She called, expressed uncertainty about the wedding (of my friend) and said her feelings had changed in re: us to a degree. I immediately went into preservation mode and said 'don't come then' and more or less said 'best of luck'. The conversation was short and ended. It was two days later when she started a chat laying out what I have mainly described in the earlier posts. She said she was "unresolved to break up" when she called (true, I more or less gave her the push to do so--I did not fight it) and also, immediately after she said her feelings had changed I said not to come to the wedding and hence the push to end it noted above(I cut her off in re'ing to what this feeling change was about).
Then the long chat about vulnerability, fear, uncertainty, feeling different for me than anyone else and ultimately that 'she loved me.' We were two months in. This was the first she used the "L" word. Perhaps to let me down easy? Funny way of doing that. Note that I had already attended a wedding of her friends, the girl is going to be 28 in two days etc. Yes, family history of chaos. As an aside, her outward demeanor does not suggest BPD, but this may be implicit evidence of it. She also had PhD level internship interviews the Monday after the wedding as well as throughout this week. Whether this is a candy-ass excuse or not is pretty much something I don't want to ponder anymore. I don't know well how she reacts to that stress (seems she does get a bit stressed over it--it is a big step). For me, when I am stressed and in a relationship, I want the partner around. Hell, my field of study (PhD) is attachment relationships. Thus I don't want to try and analyze this any further. It is insane. I analyze others' infants and adults for a fuc**** living. It is hard to not go into this mode even naturally and when you do what I do, it is almost suicide.
We were dating two months. Things were progressing well. There was no drop off in sex prior to the holiday departure. Emotions seemed intact. As Doc Love has stated however, perhaps she was feeling she was going to pull this for a long-time...However, hell we were only rolling two months, and as she knew I had to make a special request for her seat at the table, it would have been class to tell me ahead of time that she did not want to come. I asked specifically before we parted for break and she said she was in. She knew a special place was being reserved for her. Any sane chick who had class would have said "It's best I don't come to this one" well before I had the plate reserved.
No clue as to how I lowered her interest level. Some have pointed out possible avenues here but I am being honest when I say I maintained the FRAME in this one save for accepting being in a relationship at her request and I guess maybe after a month I would call her to say goodnight. **** was not done excessively at all. I mean hell, in a burgeoning relationship, aren't you supposed to do that? There were not "I love you's" on my part, no statements of intense desire beyond the ostensible "I like you" implied ****. I got her a 12 dollar t-shirt when I was home on Thanksgiving break. I took her out to three dinners. It ain't like I lost frame. I thought I was being a gentlemen. When with me, she was always affectionate, always had a hand on me, always showed interest. My buddies were shocked to hear this went down. Perhaps it is a simple example of being "played". I am not claiming no DJ status at all, but I don't think I was even close to AFC. Futures are uncertain for both of us after the next six months (both PhD-level) but we knew that before going in. She knew that. If she didn't like that thought then, why ask to be in a relationship? Why not just f***. Don't get it.
At any rate, she states she wants to see me when she gets back as mentioned. Says she misses me, doesn't know where her love and missing for me will take us "if anywhere." As such, her call. I have ceased contact. Is the girl afraid of falling in? I myself have never been afraid to be vulnerable---a hallmark of secure attachment. She may be...but to me, I don't understand how someone could experience fear of falling in love. Hell I have been burned and done burning, but I always will never have the fear of putting it all on the line when necessary--not in an AFC manner, but in a manner that has to be some semblance of a god**** reciprocal relationship where each party finds security in the other and can express emotions to each other.
We'll see. I am happy that I have been blasted by most posters here. It keeps my frame intact and keeps me from kidding myself into ridiculous explanations for the most parsimonious one: Girl was toying with me, not into me, boned another guy on break, or otherwise wants to wash her hands of me. Funny way to do that by saying to the other party you loved them for the first time.
Peace
GTGETIT