Looking down her phone

[Murk]

LOL WHY, WHY DID I DO IT?

I've never looked at this girls phone in the years I've known her, I didn't know the password and never cared for it, today I saw her put it in. Waited for her to sleep, like the distgusting female I am, then I started digging.

There's not much, text and whatapp are deleted likely, no men, except an ex with chit chat every few months.

Then I go to the notes, there's a "cons" list as long as my ****ing arm literally 20+ things including the fact I see a therapist! "A peter pan" dear lord. Smelly feet. Then the 3 pros: "tall, handsome, has potential"

I dunno how to feel, it was last edited 9 months ago but damn. It's never really good to see things like this is it? I'm a massive note writer myself and would hate anyone to see the sh!t I spew on there sometimes. To be fair I'm actively resolving the issues on the cons list without even seeing it.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

It's never worth snooping, unless you enjoy having sinking feeling in your stomach for days or weeks or months after.

I remember reading a short story where someone gained the ability to hear what others said about them when they weren't around. It wasn't pretty. It would be an incredibly painful experience to know what others say about you in private. What others say and think about you is often based an emotional hunch and pontification - they might just be spitballing and guessing. People are extremely complex, probably one of the most complex things in the Universe, how could anyone else know who you really are?

 

[bat soup]

LOL WHY, WHY DID I DO IT?

I've never looked at this girls phone in the years I've known her, I didn't know the password and never cared for it, today I saw her put it in. Waited for her to sleep, like the distgusting female I am, then I started digging.

There's not much, text and whatapp are deleted likely, no men, except an ex with chit chat every few months.

Then I go to the notes, there's a "cons" list as long as my ****ing arm literally 20+ things including the fact I see a therapist! "A peter pan" dear lord. Smelly feet. Then the 3 pros: "tall, handsome, has potential"

I dunno how to feel, it was last edited 9 months ago but damn. It's never really good to see things like this is it? I'm a massive note writer myself and would hate anyone to see the sh!t I spew on there sometimes. To be fair I'm actively resolving the issues on the cons list without even seeing it.

You should just edit the list and change "smelly feet" to "lovely smelling feet" and move it to the advantages column.

 

[Billtx49]

LOL WHY, WHY DID I DO IT?

You shouldn’t have.
Your question can be answered by one word - Insecurity

 

[Redwolf]

You should just edit the list and change "smelly feet" to "lovely smelling feet" and move it to the advantages column.

Lol...I so would have done this

 

[Murk]

I also found a list of sexual escapades last edited in 2019 which has some obvious one night stands “New Years eva” and “Ibiza guy”.

Most women have one night stands, I’ve had many, but I was honest when she questioned me whereas she denied having one or banging anyone on a vacation which Inow know is a lie…

I feel like just ending it, who knows what else she lies about.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

Never do this, trust me. It’s not worth it and if you don’t have time to figure out the context of some things you can easily misunderstand things. Be secure, don’t invest heavily in nobody and just enjoy your time with them.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

LOL WHY, WHY DID I DO IT?

I've never looked at this girls phone in the years I've known her, I didn't know the password and never cared for it, today I saw her put it in. Waited for her to sleep, like the distgusting female I am, then I started digging.

There's not much, text and whatapp are deleted likely, no men, except an ex with chit chat every few months.

Then I go to the notes, there's a "cons" list as long as my ****ing arm literally 20+ things including the fact I see a therapist! "A peter pan" dear lord. Smelly feet. Then the 3 pros: "tall, handsome, has potential"

I dunno how to feel, it was last edited 9 months ago but damn. It's never really good to see things like this is it? I'm a massive note writer myself and would hate anyone to see the sh!t I spew on there sometimes. To be fair I'm actively resolving the issues on the cons list without even seeing it.

When you look in a girl's phone for the first time....

 

[Murk]

Never do this, trust me. It’s not worth it and if you don’t have time to figure out the context of some things you can easily misunderstand things. Be secure, don’t invest heavily in nobody and just enjoy your time with them.

Yeah first and last time I do that.

Don’t a lot of couples have access to each other’s phones? I’ve never done it before my phone will incriminate me for the past 7 years there’s things I just don’t want to delete.

 

[Murk]

Oh Murk, you know what Freud would say don't you? This was intentional, done with a purpose of finding things "wrong" so you'd have a justified reason for dumping her.

It's about your commitment fears, not her. It's completely unrealistic to think that she or any woman has a spotless record of thoughts and behavior.

Correct. It's been a wild ride these past few weeks but I realise the thought of losing her kicked my ego/jealousy into overdrive, I half knew it myself.

I took her away to a spa weekend and fancy meal, we played house, I can't do it.

Initiating (another) breakup this weekend I think, or maybe she can help redecorate my property first over the next month then give her the snip.

 

[EyeBRollin]

OP, this is a huge mistake.

See, the reason why people lie is to protect the other person. That “honesty” stuff is bullshvt. What a person sees and hears has to be addressed. What they don’t know can’t hurt them. That means do not go looking for trouble. With all due respect, you acted like a woman by doing this.

Men, ignorance is bliss. If you like a girl don’t go finding out how many dvcks she’s taken. Just let her continue to be angelic in your mind. Cause when you find out how much of a sloot she really is your mind will not allow you to look at her the same.

 

[SoSuave666]

Lol. Called it. Like I told you in your other thread, your ego won’t allow you to let go of a woman you deem less SMV than you. You are acutely aware of her lower level of attractiveness and trust me, you would never forgive yourself if you settled with this woman.

As I also told you in that thread, when you and a woman break up she is definitely going out sucking and fvcking and if you stick around, you’ll find out about it. And here we are.

yoy should have just stuck with the original breakup and left with dignity and allowed you both to move on. When people (not just women) make those lists, they are usually looking for a way to justify a break up or move on. It’s the same advice we give people in the NC thread: “write down a list of pros and cons and you’ll probably see there are more cons.” When you get to this point in a “relationship” it is over l

 

[s74rk]

Interesting thread, it is a bit of a dilemma looking and finding things you're not otherwise meant to know. Here's my thoughts:

- In terms of pros/cons list, you seem to come out ahead on the desirable traits. It's actually kind of nice to see some of the minor 'cons' one could change, in fact I like it when girls point out to me something small I can quickly change. Once an ex really wanted to smash after a dinner but I was having bad breathe and didn't know. She told me, I laughed, quickly used some mouthwash, and we smashed, great stuff.

- Therapist/peter pan stuff: sounds like her vetting you for long-term qualities here. Honestly these are issues you should want to deal with yourself as a man, and letting them get into your relationship to the point where she knows enough about it to list it as a 'con' is not great. I've had businesses fail, money stolen, tons of distressing stuff happen to me while in relationships, and I learned the hard way never to let that energy engage with the girl. Girls need leaders, don't dump your hardships on them. Use them to help you relax after a long day.

- Finding stuff out about her past: well if you're considering her for anything long-term, it's totally fine to disqualify her after finding this stuff out. Imagine you're testing out a car, and you're about to buy it, the salesman keeps telling you how great and new it is, but you find out he rolled back the odometer a couple of hundred thousand miles (of ****). Feel free to leave the lot.

- The fact that you went into her phone shows you had doubts, and is the real story here. Men get gut feelings that are usually useful to follow. I won't necessarily agree with the other posters and say you made a mistake checking her phone. Maybe she's had other red flags, and you needed to confirm various things, and you're actually saving yourself a ton of future headache. In which case, you made the absolute best right move - marrying or even having a LTR with the wrong person can be the biggest mistake of a man's life.

At the end of the day, I think you should reflect on your initial vetting of her relationship potential (did you even do this critically?). Then cross-reference likely scenarios with what you want.

Here's a very practical example for a lot of guys. If I met a chick who was mid-to-late 20s, career woman, fairly independent, has mentioned traveling in the past, I already have a good picture of the possibilities. She will have had ONSs, had an 'Ibiza guy' or whatever, and still have reasonably high standards as she evaluates multiple men. So then knowing these things to probably be true, I have to think, am I OK with this? Do I care, because I'm just trying to have her as a FWB for a little while, and I'll never take her seriously? In that case I'm fine with it. But in terms of serious LTR, I mean the age and independence and life experience is already a red flag for me, so I'd nope out of there when she tries to make things anything more than casual.

You get the picture. Vet her, understand what kind of woman she is very quickly (within first few encounters), and then decide what you want out of it and where you're OK committing. I'm not interesting in committing to a woman who likely has had all these experiences, so I wouldn't have gotten into your position, at least at my age.

IMO - probably follow your gut and wind down the relationship. You don't seem happy. Use the reference experience though: 'a girl like X has Y experiences, and I'm only ok with Z'. Best of luck!

 

[s74rk]

OP, this is a huge mistake.

See, the reason why people lie is to protect the other person. That “honesty” stuff is bullshvt. What a person sees and hears has to be addressed. What they don’t know can’t hurt them. That means do not go looking for trouble. With all due respect, you acted like a woman by doing this.

Men, ignorance is bliss. If you like a girl don’t go finding out how many dvcks she’s taken. Just let her continue to be angelic in your mind. Cause when you find out how much of a sloot she really is your mind will not allow you to look at her the same.

I just wanted to quickly reply to this and respectfully disagree. Vetting is incredibly important, and tying yourself emotionally to the wrong woman long-term is one of the biggest mistakes a man can make. Ignorance is not bliss.

Now at the same time you shouldn't have to go into a girl's phone to properly vet her. Everything else, from her age, to life experiences, piercings/tattoos/other nonsense, friend group, family relationships, religiosity, and the way in which she treats you, should give you a good enough picture of who she is and what she's about. It's interesting: by the time you feel the need to explicitly go into a girl's phone, it's probably over 95% of the time. So you can save yourself the headache and just end it, when you strongly feel this need. This has proven true for me and every guy I know in relationships.

Figure out your standards and vet appropriately. If you want a girl with a bodycount less than 5, very little baggage, fun and feminine, then you need to look for the right young girl. You *cannot* date a mid-20s career woman and then be disappointed when you figure out she had a bunch of ONSs when traveling for work some year. This is just a different version of understanding that dating a single mother means you won't be dating a virgin, lol. Just be a little more nuanced and smart about what to expect.

Back to ignorance: all girls will have sloot-ish tendencies, but blindly letting yourself think of them as angelic is just not helpful. Vet initially, and also continue to vet over the course of the relationship. Audit your relationship: is she treating me the same way she did those first few exciting months (like 90% as good)? Or is she making intimacy hard to get while spending more time with other people. Pay attention to signals and react accordingly - don't let yourself stay with a sloot!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Basically goes to show how many negative traits a woman will overlook if they think you are good looking.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I just wanted to quickly reply to this and respectfully disagree. Vetting is incredibly important, and tying yourself emotionally to the wrong woman long-term is one of the biggest mistakes a man can make. Ignorance is not bliss.

There is a distinct difference between vetting and snooping around someone’s privacy for reasons to disqualify them. OP set out to manufacture evidence to get rid of old girl. This is problematic because all humans are flawed. You get maximum 80% of what you want out of a person. If you go looking for flaws, you will always find them.

 

[SW15]

It's best not to look at this stuff. Be the best version of you and go from there.

I also found a list of sexual escapades last edited in 2019 which has some obvious one night stands “New Years eva” and “Ibiza guy”.

Most women have one night stands, I’ve had many, but I was honest when she questioned me whereas she denied having one or banging anyone on a vacation which Inow know is a lie…

I feel like just ending it, who knows what else she lies about.

I don't see how you're going to be able to continue based on what's been discovered.

Be thankful you discovered what you discovered so you didn't waste any more time on this woman.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's best not to look at this stuff. Be the best version of you and go from there.



I don't see how you're going to be able to continue based on what's been discovered.

Be thankful you discovered what you discovered so you didn't waste any more time on this woman.

Agreed but he has no context as to when she wrote that...could have been after the 3rd date. Her feelings may have changed since then.

 

[SW15]

Agreed but he has no context as to when she wrote that...could have been after the 3rd date. Her feelings may have changed since then.

That's true. Women operate on feelings and emotion. Still, it doesn't look good.

 

[s74rk]

There is a distinct difference between vetting and snooping around someone’s privacy for reasons to disqualify them. OP set out to manufacture evidence to get rid of old girl. This is problematic because all humans are flawed. You get maximum 80% of what you want out of a person. If you go looking for flaws, you will always find them.

For sure. But my take is that OP messed up the vetting, now time has passed since the honeymoon phase, things have gone downhill, and he's had to resort to unsavory methods to confirm his questions about his partner's history and relationship value.

You can still look for flaws critically and take time and effort to pick the 'least flawed' option. OP likely messed up by not doing more of this at the onset of the relationship. But that's a common mistake a ton of guys, my younger self included make: you get so enamored with the new puss that you overlook a bunch of things; next thing you know you're one year into a relationship with the wrong person.