Yes, its yet more crap about you know who!
Not sure if you've read the email I sent yesterday but its mostly irrelevant to today anyhow.
today has been (for me at least) a semi interesting day on the X front, regarding my attempts to push her into my friends only category.
Not sure what I was dreaming about, but woke feeling intense anger/sadness/frustration that I'm 23, reasonably good looking, don't (I think) have any severe personality disorders and yet have failed to get involved in a single long term relationship. Which led to me thinking about my number 1 candidate, which in turn led to me reminding myself (again) that thinking of her in that way will only make the situation worse..
A bit later on in the morning I realised that it was set to be a very boring day, with no one in the house and nothing really for me to do except unpack or work on project. So remembering my conlusions I'd made earlier I decided to try and kill two birds with one stone. I took a deep breath and did something potentially very dangerous, I decided to treat X as I would any other mate ie. not worry about what she's going to think of my actions.. And so the next chain on the logical fence (since after seeing lee last night I knew he was busy today so he wasn't available) was to contact her (as my friend) to let her know I was bored and did she want to do something.
So I did that, I messaged her saying I was bored, had nothing to do, did she want to meet in town or something? She messaged back saying that the thought of moving made her feel sick and she had a hangover. Now I had 3 options.
1) Leave it there, ie let that message be the end of the SMS conversation
2) Continue having tedious SMS conversation in which we may or may not (most likely not) arrange to do something
3) Phone her to have a chat about her hangover/my boredom
So, in the spirit of treat her like I would a mate, and don't worry about what she'll think, I chose option 3 and phoned her. We chatted for a bit (it turned out her housemates had dragged her out and paid for her drinks), then I said something like come on, I'm bored, come meet me in town, you'll feel better if you move about a bit. She said no, not moving, but you can come up here and watch tv/videos with me if you want. I said, no thats too far, you live miles away I can't be arsed, and then she said, no no, you can get a bus, and told me how to get the bus to her house. We chatted for a bit longer then I hung up saying I'd grab some lunch then come see her later.
So far, so good, so potentially catestrophic. I started thinking wahoo, she didn't have to invite me to her place, and I gave her the option to withdraw the invitation when I said I couldn't be bothered, but she didn't, hence she really does think of me as a friend she's willing to do stuff for, but then I remembered this was analysing our relationship again, and not thinking of her like a mate so I stopped that thinking.
So.. her house. Got there and spent all afternoon watching videos, saw the end of coyote ugly, then jerry maguire followed by ****tail. this was in her lounge, two of her housemates were with us occasionally, and well we chatted mostly like mates, conversation was varied and interspersed with silences and comments about what was going on on the telly, neither of us had anything particularly pressing we wanted to talk to each other about (we'd seen each other yesterday) so it was just like when I sit and watch telly with any other of my mates, you chat occasionally and sit in silence watching occasionally but dont have any deep or meaningful conversations. I probably stayed too long.. I'd initially thought I'd leave at tea time, but her housemates went to the shop, for some reason we'd been talking about pizza, so she asked them to get her one, then said to me, do you want one too? I thought **** it, why not.. and before I knew it I was staying for tea.. so had the pizza and watched a bit more telly, now it was getting later and there was less conversation, then the telly started getting really crap, there wasn't really anything good on, so eventually I thought **** it I'll go and asked when the buses were, quater past the hour it turned out, and the time was 8.20. So I was staying till at least 9.15 then, but of couse then big brother was on at 9 so I stayed to watch that, and ended up getting the 10.15 bus, I was tired, I could have stayed longer (telly was getting good again) but I thought it was time to get out.. also as I'll explain in a minute I'd suddenly started to feel a bit awkward.
So for most of the afternoon/evening I was really feeling fine, I wasn't feeling some amazingly deep 'connection' with her or anything, and was just thinking of her like a mate of mine.. success! I thought, I'm on the road to getting over her! there were of course a few spanners thrown in the works...
Firstly, on their fridge lots of photos of her and her housemates getting pissed, etc.. I searched hard for ones including her boyfriend and was midly happy when I didn't find any. Not treating like a mate behaviour.
Secondly, during jerry maguire we talk about weddings a bit, I can't help but ask "when can we expect your wedding then?" she says "never", giving me faint ooooh, shes obviously not serious about her boyfriend hopes/thoughts..
Thirdly, I didnt see in her room untill I'd been there a few hours. I was wondering whether I'd find photos of her boyfriend in there, was half hoping I wouldn't (in reality though I knew its a bad thing to hope for because it just adds fuel to my "maybe she doesn't care about her boyfriend and she'll leave him" fire). Anyway when I did end up going in there (with her) she left me in there after she left to go back to the lounge and I spent a few moments looking around at the things in there and the photos she had up.. found one photo of her sitting at a restaurant table with him, and one of him just stood on his own, nothing in a frame though. Went and sat back down feeling a bit pissed off and again feeling the its not fair, why is she with him, I hope he dies rage. Although this passed a bit later. Again, not treating like a mate feelings.
Fourthly, she found out from me she may have had an email about resitting an exam on friday afternoon. so she contacts boyfriend to get him to check email for her, he phones her to tell her about email, and I listen far too intently to her side of the conversation trying to make out everything she says and cursing the fact that I hear her say 'love you too' at one point.. again leaves me feeling a bit pissed off for a while, and again is not treating like a mate style feelings.
However with the 4 above it didn't take me long to have her mentally back in the "hang on a minute, look at how we're getting on, we're just mates" frame of mind and not pining about wanting to be with her.. the big one is this last one...
Lastly, towards the end (while big brother is on) we're all talking about diets (slim fast add has come on) X is going on holiday in august for a week with her parents to dubrovnik, and says shes going on a diet in order to look good for the holiday (she is a bit chubby). I forget the golden rule with women, and instead of instant you're not fat, you dont need a diet reassurances, I joke about how diets are rubbish, she just needs to not eat very much like I do, and hold up my skinny arms as evidence. Anyway, she doesnt seem bothered by my lack of "you're not fat" remarks, but one of her housemates does jump on the, feminine support, you don't need to go on a diet bandwagon. X says, "yes I do, I need to find myself a nice croatian man" this is annoying because it adds to the evil "she doesn't care about her boyfriend, maybe she'll go out with me" fire. But anyway, before I can start stewing over that, her housemate says (jokingly), "yeah, but you don't need to go on a diet, the men are all falling for you anyway", X says, "true". Of course the entire conversation wasn't serious, but I'm instantly convinced they're referring to me and I just suddenly feel really really awkward. The idea that X knows I fancy her, talks about it with her mates and can make subtle references to it in front of me just doesnt feel good at all. And after I leave the house I'm convinced they've instantly started gossiping about me and how much they think I fancy her. Of course this is most likely my insecure brain kicking off again, but the fact it throws me so much really hammers home the fact that to me she's not "just" a mate at all.
but I still didn't get to see it).. When I first met her she was quite shy and hard to talk to, it was only after a good few months as we really got to know each other better and became closer that she started to come out of her shell.. or rather she acted around me like she does with all her close girl mates... i.e. I am no longer the mysterious new guy, or the guy that she knows a bit but she doesn't know that well. I'm the guy who she gets on quite well with and so treats like all her other good mates because she's not romantically interested. Her confidence and arrogance regarding men isn't just reserved for when shes with me, she displays it around other people and friends of hers, even some of the people on the course who she doesn't get on with that well (this is one of the things that I actually dont like about her).. although to be honest I have been noticing recently an increase in her level of ****iness around me, nevertheless I'm doing my best not to let her get away with it, example, a recent course social outing (that she had sought repeated assurances from me that I was going) She got up to leave to catch her last bus just before closing time, so I decided to go too, for 2 reasons, I didnt want to be stuck with the rest of the course, and I wanted to spend a bit more time with her.. so as we're walking to her bus stop (which is on my way home)