LJBF'd AGAIN!!! Can anyone work this out?

[Dirtheart]

I have been seeing a woman recently (mentioned in previous threads) and things were going amazingly well. She was falling for me in a big way and I was even considering LJBFing her to save hurting her further down the line.

Anyway, I went to meet her last night (first time since last week)and the moment she saw me I could tell something was amiss. She had been texting and calling me all week upto an hour before we met with the usual affectionate stuff, so I'd said nothing to put her off during that time. It all happened when she saw me.

Her smile was awkward and she looked almost repulsed by me. She was unresponsive when I tried to make conversation with her, she was cold in her replies, asked no questions and her bodylanguage was very guarded. In fact, she couldn't even look me in the face. This continued all night. I used plenty of c+f and neghits (which she loved before this moment), and she responded either with total silence or a strained laugh. She was reacting to nothing I said.

At the end of the night she decided to sleep in a separate room from me (big hint there of course), so today I decided to be indifferent. I stopped trying to make conversation and showed no interest.

It didn't work. On my way home I received a text message from her saying she just wants to be friends.

The only possible explanation I can think of is that something about the way I looked last night turned her right off in an instant. I'm frequently told I'm very good looking and she was always praising my looks, so I'm baffled.

The only explanations I can think of is that I was more clean cut than usual. I dressed smarter, my hair is a little shorter than last time we met and I was clean shaven (whereas previously I had a bit of stubble). Maybe, just maybe, I looked a little more metrosexual/feminine than usual.

Of course, I'm not going to waste my time trying to regain her affection, but I am very confused about what turned her off so suddenly. I don't just mean turned off a little either; she was desperate to avoid me and even made up an excuse so I'd leave earlier than planned.

I'd love to hear any explanations, just for my own sanity. I mean one day I'm irresistably sexy, the next I'm too ugly to talk to?!

 

[MackJr]

you might have been outcompeted by another man.

also, how often were you responding to her texts.

 

[slick_romeo]

Originally posted by Dirtheart


Of course, I'm not going to waste my time trying to regain her affection, but I am very confused about what turned her off so suddenly. I don't just mean turned off a little either; she was desperate to avoid me and even made up an excuse so I'd leave earlier than planned.

I'd love to hear any explanations, just for my own sanity. I mean one day I'm irresistably sexy, the next I'm too ugly to talk to?!

dude....

First lesson: give up the chase. I am the prize. I do my own thing.

if you really believe this statement you would never have posted this...you have some work to do... you'll know your work is done when you can read what you wrote here & laugh at yourself...

 

[Chaghatai]

IT's a good idea to never second guess IL or try and figure out why they do what they do and simply respond according to "the rules" But to indulge....my instincts says another man.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Just out of curiousity, did you two have sex yet?

My guess is either she has started seeing someone else she is more attracted to, or you came on too strong early on with all of the phone calls and texting. Both of those are things are pretty obvious items that come to mind when I personally have lost interest in a girl early on.

The only other possibility is she was on the fence about you from the beginning, and after seeing you last night it solidified in her mind that she just wasnt attracted enough to keep seeing you.

Either way, don't take it personally and just move on. Plenty of others out there.

 

[Caveman]

It could have been the way you looked. From your description you turned from badboy type to metrosexual and if she was turned on by your appearance innitially, this could have turned her off.

Either way, don't worry about it. All girls are not the same so don't over analyze.

 

[So pimp its scary]

Quite crying about it.

So what, you got LJBF'd. NEXT!

Seriously, go out and find ten other women to flirt with (or ƒuck) in the next month. Then you wion't dwell as much on getting turned down.

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks. Maybe she was seeing someone else (or reconsidering her ex-) and leading me to believe I was the only one. That's certainly the most plausible explanation.

I don't believe I turned her off psychologically since I've played it very cool with her, keeping my interest a little erratic, and she was like putty in my hands until the moment we met last night.

Jay: Yes, we've had sex a number of times and she couldn't keep off me whenever we were together.

But you're right that I shouldn't analyse it. I guess I'd just like to know what, if anything, I can change.

 

[slick_romeo]

Originally posted by Dirtheart


But you're right that I shouldn't analyse it. I guess I'd just like to know what, if anything, I can change.

i suppose by saying you shouldn't analyse it is a start....but thhat second part....*sheesh*

First lesson: give up the chase. I am the prize. I do my own thing.

you're just not reading me are you?

 

[MindOverMatter]

I came up with four theories to why she did this.

1.) The looks theory which you just analyzed. If a girl has a high interest level in you, she wont mind if you look different one day. If she doesn't like it, she certanly wont LJBF you over something as trivial as this. And if she does, you wouldn't want her anyway, so this whole theory is pointless. I seriously doubt this is the reason you got LJBFed

2.) The you did something wrong theory. Self-explanatory. But, it's still none of your concern. Lets face it, even if you did something wrong, she kept it to herself and didn't wanna talk about it. If she expects you to guess her every thought, you'll never be happy in that relationship. You're a man, not a mind reader.

Now you said you used neg-hits during your date with her. What exact neg-hits did you use? She may have been just having a bad day, and one of your neg-hits could have totally pissed her off.

3.) The "that time of the month theory". It would explain her mood swing, and the fact she wouldn't have sex with you. I found that neg-hits can be pretty bad if a girl is on her period, it's like putting your head inside a lion's mouth.

4.) The other man theory. Some other guy is trying to get in there, and she prolly went out with him, and decided to pursue that prospect over you. She went on a date with you and was emotionless because she knew she was gonna have to break up with you eventually, and the guilt was eating her up. Then you said she refused to sleep with you. Like you said that's a giant hint. My personal belief is that if a girl ever refuses to sleep with me once we've been together for a while and are past the sex stage and she's not on her period, it's time to break up, for three reasons:

i.) She may be getting it somewhere else.

ii.) She may be trying to manipulate me by withholding sex until I do something that she wants. I don't respond well to manipulation, and I'll never pursue a relationship with a woman that tries it on me.

iii.) She may be testing me to see how much sh!t I will put up with, and how much she has me whipped.

 

[Dirtheart]

i suppose by saying you shouldn't analyse it is a start....but thhat second part....*sheesh*

I know what you're saying. The DJ should always be carefree, but at the same time I want to be the best I can be and want to learn something new from each experience, and for that I need some direction and/or any faults pointed out to me.


Westcoaster: Thanks a lot for the very comprehensive reply. The neg hits weren't anything insulting and similar to those I've used on her before with a positive response. But she totally closed me down as soon as we met so nothing I was saying or doing (or not saying/doing) was making any difference. But thanks for your theories. I think one of them is sure to be right.

Nevertheless, I can't and won't change it. Time to move onto the next. In fact, I'm going to call someone later tonight.

 

[Craig Reeves]

There is no way in Hell that it was because of your looks unless she was a complete uprincipalled head case.

I also highly doubt that it was because of another guy. Her seeing some other guy is not going to change her feelings about YOU. There's a rule about attraction: THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN AFFECT A WOMAN'S ATTRACTION FOR YOU IS *YOU*.

Attraction is not a choice. Not for you, not for her, and not for anybody else.

If she lost attraction for you, and I'm only saying IF she lost attraction for you, it was something that YOU did, not what somebody else did.


If this girl was attracted to you, she could sleep with 10,000 men and her attraction level for YOU will NOT change. It just doesn't work that way.

Now I'm going to take your word for it that you have been treating her the exact same way since you say that the two of you talked on the phone before this happened. In a nutshell, everything seemed to be going fine until you two saw each other face to face.

The only thing that I gather from this, Dirtheart, is that you're suffering from a very rare condition called Demon Dating.

Like I said, this is a very rare thing, and doesn't happen very often.

What Demon Dating is, is when a guy (usually, somebody who is very good with women) runs into a girl who kind of finds out how much of a DJ you are, hates it because you're a "player", and makes the desision to destroy you with a wicked and sick agenda.

The agenda that this girl has is actually just downright purely evil. The only reason that this girl ever dated you, had sex with you, and basically acted like an overly interested puppy was to pull something like this and be responsible for the "fall of a player". In lamen's terms: this girl was trying to emotionally kill you because she didn't like your lifestyle. She would do anything that she could to do this, Dirtheart.

I know this is hard to believe, but I have seen this with my own two eyes. This same exact thing happened to a really good friend of mine back when I was in high school and he contemplated suicide afterwords. It's THAT bad and THAT serious.

This girl had a game plan all along. She NEVER liked you. EVER. She just met you and summed you up to be a "player". Since she obviously dislikes "players", she decided that she was going to "give you a taste of your own medicine". Yes, hit it and forget it "just like we men do".

So what do you do to cure yourself of Demon Dating? Never speak to her ever again as long as you live! Ever! I don't care what for! She is completely out of your life for good. Never speak to her again under any circumstances whatsoever. Find another woman and forget she ever existed. If you choose to, you may email her or text her back telling her something like, "No, we will not be friends, you are out of my life for good now and I will never talk to you again. Ever. Go play games on somebody else, because I don't waste me time on trash like you." sort of thing, but make that the last time.

More than likely, you will never get this again, Dirtheart. I know it sucks, but thats part of being a DJ - dealing with headcases.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Craig, I highly highly doubt the woman slept with him of all things just to get back at him for being a DJ. C'mon. You are WAY over analyzing this.

From reading his past posts it seems as though dirt is more of a nice guy than a player. I will stick by what I previously said. Either another man came into the picture, or he was always on shaky ground with her and seeing him one more time solidified in her mind she just wasnt interested. What is so hard about that to believe? I've done it a few times myself. You want to like ther person, in fact you know you should like the person, but for whatever reason no matter how hard you try it just isnt happening.

 

[Dirtheart]

From reading his past posts it seems as though dirt is more of a nice guy than a player.

This is very true and being the nice guy has definitely been my biggest obstacle in my DJing practices and I'll admit that I still have some way to go in overcoming it.

I am very fascinated by this Demon Dating idea and it did happen to me once when I was a teenager (and a jerk), but more recently I've become the sort of guy women try to avoid hurting.

My nice guy issues have been the cause of most LJBFs...which now makes me wonder...

I'm often told I look nice, sweet and amiable, and sometimes I'm called a pretty boy. Maybe my nice guy personality traits showed through the previous times we were together and when I met her yesterday looking clean and pretty, I may have confirmed her growing impression of me as a sweet and innocent guy.

I do know one girl who flirts with me a lot whenever I look a bit rugged and yet is quite distanced when I'm more clean cut. So I'm going to try running with the rugged look regularly and see what reactions I get to it.

It's kinda f*cked up that I'm overanalysing I know, but it's so frustrating knowing I have an issue and not knowing for sure what it is.

 

[juanstepatatime]

I don't think you can discount the 'other man' so easily. We all know the cure to one-itis is to give yourself more options - I don't see why that doesn't work for women too. More options = freedom to test the relationship a bit more. Maybe she met another guy who totally wowed her. Then you went out on your date and she was testing you to see what your interest level was at. You gave her nothing so she nexted you for the other guy.

 

[becker]

Dirtheart,

What a crazy story, but I can relate to you, since I've just gone throught the same thing. I hate moving on if there was nothing wrong with the relationship in the first place except for the woman's hangups.

My friend told me of a friend of his, who I've met but don't know that well, who also went through something similar. He is now engaged to the girl, who bailed on him after meeting him on the internet (it was quite a story how this happened). It took them 6 months to finally get together, and the guy was persistent as hell. I don't know, I'd like to figure that not all of these are fatal.

Anyways, if I were to have a guess at this, if you didn't act too attached and come on too strong, then it may have been your looks. I think that the girl has to have some good reason to not be interested after liking you. However, don't forget that some girls who have gotten hurt a lot in the past will sabotage any relationship and try to convince themselves they don't need one right now.

 

[Vince]

*****However, don't forget that some girls who have gotten hurt a lot in the past will sabotage any relationship and try to convince themselves they don't need one right now.*****

becker is on target with this one. I feel that you are being too much of a DJ that you might be turning her off. Now before everyone gets on my case about that. Some women just want a simple guy--without twisting her emotions.

She may like you a lot but is scared because she thinks she knows you but you are being TOO unpredictable and it's driving her so crazy that she would rather not deal with you. It happens. She is unsure with the situation and is feeling angry/sad/sick when she sees you. This is not because she thinks you are unattractive or that she doesnt like you. It is because she likes you.

It's like when you like a girl a lot but makes you feel happy and sad at the same time because you don't know where the situation is going.

When she text you saying she just wants to be friends, tell her "if that is what you really want, that is what you are going to get---just friends."

If you want to maintain a "friendship" with her, then do that. But don't beg for her. She still likes you and she will realize that she made a big mistake.

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks for the additional advice. I'm not going to pretend to be cool and unfazed for the sake of the DJ boards because the truth is it has made me feel insecure and paranoid.

I understand there could have been a lot of reasons for her backing off, including the fear of getting too deep or getting played, but she was texting me while I was on my way there telling me how much she was looking forward to seeing me...and then when we met she seemed utterly repulsed by me! I'm not exaggerating either. She made me feel like a freak or serial killer!

I certainly don't have oneitis for this girl and have no problem letting her go, but this experience has damaged my confidence rather drastically since all my DJ experience and beliefs, everything I've learned and practised with success was totally futile in this situation, so I'm feeling really disheartened too.

 

[jnallen]

Originally posted by Dirtheart


But you're right that I shouldn't analyse it. I guess I'd just like to know what, if anything, I can change.

Right now "you" can't do anything but withdrawal from the whole situation...

Then when dealing with any of these "mixed signals" always keep in mind the words of the "Great Pook"...

A small list of his and I few I have added for good measure...


I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

TRANSLATED: I don't want a relationship WITH

We were both wrong.

But you were more wrong!

You are trying to control me...

You don't listen to me!

Let's not rush things.

I have other prospects.

I'm not ready to settle down.

I sure as heck don't want to settle down with YOU!

I enjoy the single life!

I enjoy not being with YOU!

I need more space!

You're becoming undesirable and unattractive.

This is when you WALK AWAY...

Let's just give it some time.

You're not high on my rating list. You're good insurance policy if a better prospect doesn't show up.

I like you, but...

I don't like you at all.

'Let's Just Be Friends" HERE IT IS...THE BIG ONE...

You'll never see me naked! I'm not attracted to you.

Pook says, "No, I have enough friends. Buh-Bye!"

I don't want to ruin our friendship.

Please continue to remain my friend. You make an excellent emotional dumping ground...

I have to go ok...

I just need an excuse to get off the phone. I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I LIED BLATANTLY TO YOUR FACE. Oh, and have a nice day!

I'm not upset...

I'm upset.

I'm not looking for anyone.

I'm not looking for anyone LIKE YOU.

We need to talk...

It is over

We have an off and on relationship.

I kept him around until someone BETTER shows up.

Maybe

No

Let me think about it

No

How can you say that?

I know I did wrong

I don't know what I want

I don't know what I want but it is not you

I don't know what is going on

I don't know if this guy will call or not. So stay on the line in case

These are true 90% of the time as I and so many others have found out...

When dealing with anyone in particular a "woman" Don't listen to what they say...Watch what they do...

Actions speak louder than words my friend...

Do the above and it will save you a lot of heartache in the future...

It may not be the answer you are looking for but it is the truth. Then on the flip side always keep in mind...

2 to 1 buddy...

2 women for every man...

 

[Surfboard]

She recently told me how happy I make her, how she wants to be with me all the time and has made it clear that she's falling for me in a big way. I feel quite lousy because as much as I like her I can't return the emotional feelings she's developing for me.

I don't want to rule out a LTR, but for now I don't want to get too deeply involved and I'm worried that I'm going to hurt her if ever I need to end things or take some time away from seeing her.

Dirtheart,

I think your answer is right above. As you said in another post, she was looking for the RIGHT GUY.

It's obvious her interest level is high, but her gut feeling is telling her that you're not ready for a LTR. She was probably ready to settle down and thought you might be the RIGHT GUY.

She knows her clock is ticking and her looks will soon be fading. She needs to find a guy NOW, and since you probably couldn't return the emotional feelings she had for you, she knows it's best to move on.

That's probably what happened on your last date. She probably knew in the back of her mind that this would be your last chance to prove that you were the RIGHT GUY. She probably was looking forward to seeing you, with the HOPE that things would change. Unfortunately, when she saw you, she came to the realization that you weren't the RIGHT GUY.

If this is the case, then my advice is to move on. You two aren't looking for the same things right now. Don't go and try to fake your feelings for her, because her gut feeling/instincts will pick up on it. You might be able to fool her for a little bit, but in the end you're going to be right back where you are now.

One more thing. If you really want to know why she LJBF'd you, then just ask her what you did wrong. I know everyone says to just move on and forget about her, but I'd personally like to know what I did wrong. I think it would be better to learn from this experience than to just ignore it.