Living together with your girlfriend

[Jake Steed]

Giovanni C's thread about his friend Brian moving in with his girlfriend has inpired me to post a new thread on this topic--Living with the girlfriend.

My personal stance: I think it's the most idiotic mistake a young man can make in his life. That goes especially for the guys who have no intention of marrying their live-in girlfriend in the forseeable future.

The disadvantages are obvious. You give up your freedom. You have to constantly answer to someone. Suddenly, going out with your guy friends for beers is "suspect" to scrutiny. You have to explain where you're going and who you're going to be with. Dating other women becomes an impossibility. Also, the relationship can become extremely stale and monotonous because you have to see this person EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

Yet women love the concept. One of my exes was HELL BENT on moving in with me. After a YEAR of me flat out refusing her--I was very clear, "I'm not ready to move in with ANYBODY."--she STILL stubbornly tried to convince me that it would be so wonderful and great.

She would always claim, "We don't have to become more 'serious'. We can live together and still give each other space and do our own thing." Yeah, right. As if after living together for a couple years (if it lasted that long) she wouldn't expect me to marry her. Whatever, babe.

I believe women love the concept of moving in together for several reasons which are beneficial to them.

1. They get to keep tabs on you 24/7.
2. They have more influence over you. They can "mold" and "change" you into the man they want. Example: she has a better position to strong-arm you into giving up your vices--porn, smoking, drinking, video games.
3. They get to force you into monogamy. How can you date other girls when she LIVES with you?
4. They get to play "house" with someone. In the history of the world, has a woman moved in with a boyfriend and NOT immediately re-decorated his place??
5. They get to artifically force the relationship towards marraige. It's like giving the marraige time-clock a "jump start".

These are all reasons which have made me intelligently refuse to move in with a girlfriend. Yet this hasn't stopped many men from caving and doing it. Many of my friends have moved in with girls they never had intentions of marrying. Of course they all ended in bitter, viscious breakups, except for one, who is getting married. She's the only girl he's ever been with, and I highly doubt he'd have done it had she not moved in with him.

So here are my questions:

1. Knowing the disadvantages of moving in with a gf you don't intend to marry, why do men continue to do it?

2. Women are so gung-ho on the concept of living together. They will even do it with a bf they don't take seriously or love that much. WHY?

3. To the guys who have lived with a girlfriend, please share your experiences--both good and bad. Help me understand why you did it.

Jake

 

[mistyc]

1. AFC

2. Status + Power in their clique

3. No idea.

Well that's my uninformed opinion anyways...

 

[StellarPKT]

Originally posted by Jake Steed:

1. Knowing the disadvantages of moving in with a gf you don't intend to marry, why do men continue to do it?

Yes of course it would take an AFC to do something like this. But then again AFC's probably dont understand the disadvantages of moving in with a girl. They dont want to date other women, they cant get another woman anyways.

I think another good reason is that the guy is afraid to say no to the girl. They think that if they go against her wishes then they will lose her, so they agree to something that they really dont want to do. Its like going to see a chick flick, how many guys really wanna do that? But they end up doing it anyways, just cuz their girl wants to. This is the old case of I dont have a backbone. A real DJ knows better than this.

Also a guy could think that moving in would guarantee sex any time that he wanted. I mean she is right there all the time, sleeping in the same bed. It becomes more of a convenience that way. Sure you will get sex a lot when you first move in because of the excitement, but that will wear off quickly and the girl will start to nag you about the toilet seat and your dirty underwear on the floor and how she just doesnt "feel like it right now". Those guys dont think about what will happen long term, just about whats going on right now.

#2 Why do chicks do this? I guess they are more into monogamy than us guys and that is about the most monogamous thing you can do before getting married. Even if they consider the guy sub-par, its better than being alone. Especially if the guy is paying the rent and the bills, she's getting a free ride. But this only applies to the guys shopping at Gold Diggers R' Us. There are a lot of chickies out there who have motivations other than love.

As for #3, Ive never moved in with a girl but ive had a gf be at my house constantly and Ill tell you its a big pain in the a$$. Answering my phone all the time and Ive even got caught with chicks calling me and she got all pissy about it. Overall I think its a bad idea and would not even slightly consider it at this point in my life. Im too young to play house with some chickie. Ill save that for when Im in my 30's and actually ready to settle down.

 

[Amlothi]

Originally posted by Jake Steed:
2. Women are so gung-ho on the concept of living together. They will even do it with a bf they don't take seriously or love that much. WHY?

Jake,

I think I have an answer for this part atleast. I've been having relations with a girl who lives with her fiance. Nothing serious, and I know better than to get myself in Brian's position (see GC's thread) it's just fun and sex for me, and only occasionally.

However, we have talked about her bf at times. She doesnt get along with him too well and he has to know where she is all the time - very untrusting (do I blame him?) but very much a control freak.

She has no intention of marrying him, she even hates it when I remind her that she's engaged.

Yet she lives with him. WHY?

Several reasons in my mind.

1) he owns the house, she gets off free
2) she's afraid to live by herself. when she was at my place once she asked if I left the window open by my bed at night, cause it would scare her to do that. She has no self confidence or sense of security.
3) Her boss where she works is a relative of the bf. I doubt she'd get fired if they broke up but you can see the complication.

Anyway, I think #2 (the whole sense of security) might be a big issue for women nowadays. You hear all these things about kids getting snatched out of cars, rapists, and what ever else and its enough to scare the poor fox out of her mind.

Just a thought...



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"There are no such things as mixed signals when it comes to women, there is reality and what the guy wants to be reality." - Don Phenom

Who wants to be a DJ when you can be so much more?

 

[STR8UP]

Live in #1- I was 19 yrs. old, didn't know any better. She cheated on me, nagged me, held me back. You'd think I would have learned my lesson but noooo...

Live in #2- Oh man fellas, this was 99% the girl of my dreams. The looks, the personality, everything. Nothing but good to say about this one, till the day she packed her sh1t and left. Can't say I didn't see it coming or know it was for the best. Which brings us to....

Live in #3- Started out as a roommate situation. My mistake for taking it beyond. Broke it off recently and feel damn good about it. Having dinner with her Sunday...so all is good.

I suppose two out of three ain't bad, but I'll never do it again unless she's a keeper. Better shut my mouth before I jinx myself.

Here's to bachelorhood!

 

[tweeder]

I am against moving in with a woman 100% exept for one exception. If you are engaged I think it's a good idea. This way you can learn all the little things that come with living with this woman. Better to find out then instead of waiting until after you get married. I have two friends that have broken off a wedding for this very reason. Otherwise though, STAY AWAY FROM IT. Unless you want to be controlled by your woman. But then why the hell would you be at this site.

 

[Princess-Spock]

*I* NEVER "lived with" a man (not even my husband before our wedding day), and I've always warned others to not do it either.

If you live together without that marriage license, you get the "disbenefit" of marriage (not being able to do your own thing as if there were no consequences to anyone), but you do NOT get the benefits of marriage.... so why is ANYONE stupid enough to do it?!!

If you need a roommate, get a roommate; do NOT live with a partner you're not married to!!

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To discourage flaming, I will NEVER return to a thread once I've posted there. To well-wishers; sorry!! To all others;

The truth will set you free..... but first, it'll REALLY p!ss you off.

"You make a living by what you get. But you make a life by what you give." -- Winston Churchill

"It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them." -- La Rochefoucauld

 

[darkhorse]

Originally posted by Princess-Spock:
*

If you live together without that marriage license, you get the "disbenefit" of marriage (not being able to do your own thing as if there were no consequences to anyone), but you do NOT get the benefits of marriage.... so why is ANYONE stupid enough to do it?!!

What are the benefits of marriage that are not part and parcel of cohabitation? The tax penalty? I'm really confused here. Could you elaborate?

 

[Don Juanobi]

Originally posted by darkhorse:

What are the benefits of marriage that are not part and parcel of cohabitation? The tax penalty? I'm really confused here. Could you elaborate?

I think things change when you've had your wedding and everything is official.
It's psycological i guess

I read in a magazine recently that couples who lived together before marriage had a divorce rate much higher than those who didn't live together before hand.
I remember that because it sounds like it should be the other way around.
I agree that living together is a 'marriage only' type deal, otherwise the guy is just shooting his own foot IMO.

 

[xniceguy]

2. Women are so gung-ho on the concept of living together. They will even do it with a bf they don't take seriously or love that much. WHY?


A very wise, self-aware woman once told me, "The most basic female instinct is to nest".

Think about it. Little girls get the play oven, the play kitchen, Barbie's dream house, the whole domestic nonsense. Their dream man for these situations? Ken - good looking and vacant.

Chicks just want to nest; it's what they do. Better a nest with a subpar mate than no nest at all.



------------------
Chicks don't think. Chicks feel.

 

[BARTEK]

About the concept of living with your girlfriend-NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL-
Few years ago I had a choice to move in with my friend, then my girlfriend of 3years asked if I would want to move in with her, I thought about it, and decided to do it, the main reason was the poonany 24/7 plus we always got along well, so we did it.
In the begining everything was great, sex all the time, no complains. Half a year later, we got bored of eachother, plus I found out her true character, throwing sh*t around,breaking things, manipulating me by saying she 'll cut her vains if she doesnt get her way. What did I do, I kicked her out, we talked for couple of months after that, and then stoped completely. I just found out about a week ago from a mutual friend, that she just gave birth to a baby, and is going to marry some guy. I actually feel sorry for that guy, even that I dont know him.

 

[MysteryWoman]

I think Jake is full of crap, how can he say that all women are the same. The fact is usually men fall in love quicker and more easier than women. I know many girls who have felt pressured by their boyfriends to move in with them, when they still don't feel ready.

I once met this guy in a swimming pool and got talking to him. He immediately wanted me to move in with him and travel to Austrailia with him. This freaked me out.

I'm not crazy about marriage, but I'd never marry a guy without living with him first.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Side Bar: Amolthi - You are still seeing that cheating ho? Hmm... I guess you didn't take my advice.

On the topic at hand, I do think that a lot of people make the mistake of moving in together when they are not really serious (to save $$ on rent or have some guy pay for your living expenses or because they are scared to be alone or whatever other reason.) And, hopefully, all these people break up. Because, you shouldn't move in together unless you are 99% certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And, you definetly shouldn't move in together unless both people really want to.

But, you ask why women want to move in with men, and for some, perhaps your list is true. But, if that list is true for the girl any of you are dating, I would suggest that you dump her very quickly, because she sounds like a really annoying b*tch.

A good woman you move in with...

*doesn't keep tabs on you 24/7
*doesn't want to change you
*doesn't want to force you into monogamy, she wants you to want to only be with with her - to choose it of your own free will
*doesn't want to play house with you, she wants to build a home with you, a combination of both your tastes
*wants the relationship to gradually build towards marriage, which, if you move in at the right time, it will already be on it's way to.

I am a believer in committment that has nothing to do with a big party and a piece of paper. Yes, that paper commits me in the eyes of the law, but if you have really met the person you are meant to marry, the committment to that person needs to come way before a big party.

I think that if you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, then it is fine to move in together. If you move in together and find that she wants to keep tabs on you, take away your porn and put pink ruffles on everything, then at least you can realize she is not the person for you before you put the ring on her finger.

I live with my boyfriend now, and I'm really happy we decided to do it. I know he is too because he remarked just last week how much fun we have been having in our new apartment. (We have been living there for 5 months, but it still seems new because we are gradually buying furniture and decorating - together, of course)

He has doubled his porn collection, has someone to play video games with all the time (and, I am buying him a PS2 for Xmas, which he will love) he has a bigger place to hang out and party with friends, he gets to have sex with me anywhere, anytime he wants (It's hard to have sex in the kitchen when you have a roomate)and he is always supplied with good beer. (I am a member of a beer-of-the month club - it gets delivered right to our door)

The people who get bored living together are the people who are going to be bored being married to each other - since they clearly can't handle spending every day together. Boredom only sets in if you stop working at the relationship. It takes effort to keep it exciting and fun - effort by BOTH partners. Plus, both people also have to realize that having your own lives is a benifit to the relationship. You can't look at nights away from each other with scrutiny, you have to look at it as healthy time apart.

Living together isn't for everyone and if it is done for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person, it can be bad. But, currently, my BF and I are having a great time with it.

 

[Tyrna]

I dunno, this topic just strikes me as awfully one-sided. There are, in fact, good solid reasons to move in with a girlfriend/boyfriend. Because, amazingly enough, not all women move in with a giy and immediatly start threatening suicide to get their way. Nor do all of us want to keep a leash on our beau. Yeesh...

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

So the opinions are divided perfectly along gender lines.

Shocker.

Moving in with a girl is the most AFC thing you can do short of emasculating yourself with garden shears and presenting your nads to your beloved for Valentine's Day.

 

[Don_juan]

Live in #1... mean girl who changed right away. I came into some money at about age 20 and bought a house with it. Cool I though, but she kind of moved in without me really knowing. Piece by piece, day by day, until my dumba$$ finally noticed it. I know that sounds unbelievably dumb, but that is really how it happened. I finally was a coward and gave in. I never got any money from her, and when I finally dumped her it was a huge fight, she broke things in my house, and then stalked me for a few months. Horible situation.

Live in #2... yes, can you believe it, about a year later I'm having a new one move in. So, things are great and she lives there for a couple years. I know the whole time that I'm not marrying this girl, but I figured this would shut her up about marriage or some other irrational reason. So I finally lose all attraction for this girl, her personality was the best but no spark. I ask her to move out and break up. She handles it well, or at least didn't break stuff, but has to find a new place. She's at the point in her life where she can afford a house, so she wants to move into her own house. Well as some of you may know, that process takes forever! So I live with her for 2 months while she finds a place. This whole time, I'm done with the relationship but can't really get any other girls because my ex is living with me. By the time she moves out, I really resent her, I've lost numerous chances at other girls, and I think NEVER AGAIN IS A GIRL MOVING IN.

Live in #3... I'm dating this girl for about 3 months, she lives with a long time guy roommate from her homestate. This guy is total AFC and is completely in love with her. She gets irritated with him, but at this point he hasn't done too much to make her want to leave. Well her underwear starts to vanish... this dude is stealing her underwear!!! Then he starts just going really phsyco and we fear harm for her, so I have a great idea (sarcasm). That's right, move in with me but since I've been burnt before, this is really just a temporary thing so she can find a place without worrying every night about the panty sniffer. Of course, it is much easier for that temp to turn into perm and she is now my 3rd live in girlfriend. We grow tired of each other and decide to part ways, she goes to get an appartment and guess what?? She has the worst credit of anyone and can't qualify. I start frantically scouring the city for a place that will take people with horrible credit, while she sits on her butt knowing that she is on my dime now. I finally find a place, but she has to save up for the hefty deposit, rent, etc. so she is with me for about 3 months post breakup!!!

So now I'm alone in my house, and love it. I have learned some valuable lessons that I hope you all can take from. All three had different approaches to getting into the home, but they probably all had the same motivation/ideas/etc. about living with me. All three ended horribly because of living together.

Moving in is always easy, trust me. It's the getting them out thing that is hard. Don't do it until you are married. It's self defeating because the longer you live with them, the more you will not value why you should marry them and the harder it will be to get them out.

Just don't do it!!! Trust me on this one.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Originally posted by GynecologyEnthusiast:

Moving in with a girl is the most AFC thing you can do short of emasculating yourself with garden shears and presenting your nads to your beloved for Valentine's Day.

Oh really? I thought marriage was the most AFC thing. Thanks for clearing that up.

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

VeryBad,

Marriage isn't necessarily AFC. Depends entirely on the circumstances, sweetheart.

But letting a girl move in with you before you are 100% committed to spending the rest of your life with her is AFC and a self-fulfilling disaster.

I fall back on the statistics:

In the United States, about 55% of marriages end in divorce.

But 85% of marriages which were preceded by the couple living together end in divorce.

A very foolish mistake. And the statistics don't lie. A DJ marries the winner and then she moves in with him after their honeymoon.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

I guess I am not dating a DJ then! (Well, I already knew that, lol)

But, you can be 100% committed to marrying someone yet not want to get married right away. My BF and I are planning on getting married, but not for a couple of years. Weddings, the ring and whatever I am going to buy him as engagement gift (haven't decided yet) are expensive. We'd like to make a bit more $$ and have a bit more saved before we do that. But, that doesn't make us any less committed to each other.

I understand that there are statistics out there, but I can't base my relationship decisions on statistics. I tend not to be like *most* people anyway. Most people are apathetic idiots who are content to sit on their ass and watch TV all day.

 

[Jake Steed]

He has doubled his porn collection, has someone to play video games with all the time (and, I am buying him a PS2 for Xmas, which he will love) he has a bigger place to hang out and party with friends, he gets to have sex with me anywhere, anytime he wants (It's hard to have sex in the kitchen when you have a roomate)and he is always supplied with good beer. (I am a member of a beer-of-the month club - it gets delivered right to our door)--VBG

This is the criteria by which I will choose my future wife.

The people who get bored living together are the people who are going to be bored being married to each other --VBG

You bring up some very good points, VBG.

Thanks Don_juan for your detailed response. It's very insightful.

Keep em coming.

Jake