Living together with your girlfriend

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

But, you can be 100% committed to marrying someone yet not want to get married right away. My BF and I are planning on getting married, but not for a couple of years. Weddings, the ring and whatever I am going to buy him as engagement gift (haven't decided yet) are expensive. We'd like to make a bit more $$ and have a bit more saved before we do that. But, that doesn't make us any less committed to each other.
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VBG,

I think that's a bit weak. If you're 100% certain, tell your boyfriend that you made an appointment at the courthouse this afternoon to sign the papers.

If he's 100% certain, he'll say "great idea. Let's go."

If he balks, you'll know he's not 100% certain and he's using you as his personal live-in sex-toy and he can just load up the U-Haul at any time.

Give him the chance for his actions to cash the cheques he writes with his mouth.

Personally, I think it's even worse when women let guys live with them before marriage. You give yourself away to someone who isn't 100% committed to you? Foolish things that women do when blinded by high hopes.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

I don't feel the need to have papers saying that we are committed to each other. As I said before, 100% committment has to come WAY BEFORE that piece of paper.

If I demanded we get marriage papers today, I'm sure my boyfriend would. All of his actions and words over the past two years we have been together have shown me what kind of person is and how he feels about me.

But, I am not a demanding person. And, since I don't feel the need to have that piece of paper, I am happy with the way thing are. We are only 25, with lots of time to save up, have a great big party to celebrate our love with our friends and continue our happy life together.

I think there is going to be a piece of paper involved and I think people are going to start calling us different things, but I don't care about any of that sh*t. Actually, I don't even need the peice of paper at all, save for the fact that I would like our children to have parents who are legally married.

But, to each his own, I guess.



[This message has been edited by VeryBadGirl (edited 08-16-2002).]

 

[david_med@hotmail.com]

1) guys that move in with a girl that they don't intend on marrying are pretty much looking to "have someone around." i think its more an issue of not being able to handle being alone IMO...that they succumb to bring a girl into the house.

2) most girls that move in with you are 9/10's looking to get you to the aisle. thats all it is. they are looking to get married, and are willing to do anything to get you there...even if they dont really like you. the concept of being married and having kids with a "quality sperm donor" seems to be of more value than the quality of the man sometimes.

3) never have and if i ever do, i can't see it lasting more than a couple weeks. also, if youre really digging a chick and are thinking of getting married, moving in with her will most likely ruin the whole situation. why? apparently they did studies and people get fed up with each other, and its easier to break off a boyfriend/girlfriend situation than a marriage.

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

But, I am not a demanding person. And, since I don't feel the need to have that piece of paper, I am happy with the way thing are. We are only 25, with lots of time to save up, have a great big party to celebrate our love with our friends and continue our happy life together.
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You're not planning on wearing white, I hope. Kidding.

Good luck with your relationship. Remember, you aren't engaged to be married until you have both a ring and a date set.

Just out of interest, why do you post here? You've already settled for a man so there isn't much to be gained for you.

Regards,

GE

 

[VeryBadGirl]

I post here because I like to help people. There are a lot of good guys on this board who deserve a good woman. But, since they are hard to find, it is easy to get bitter and give up on finding one. I hope to remind them that not ALL women are idiotic, manipulative, b*tches.

[This message has been edited by VeryBadGirl (edited 08-16-2002).]

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

That's very nice of you. You are a credit to your gender. But why are you VeryBad?

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Thanks, GE. VeryBadGirl is just a nickname that my boyfriend has for me because I am very horny and always want to do dirty things in public restrooms (and planes, and my office, and in the laundry room of our building, etc) and nasty things in bed. Not that I am into golden showers or anything, but most guys find my dirty mind really funny, because I look quite innocent.

Basically, he likes to swat me on the butt and call me that as I walk by him.

 

[dead_romeo]

Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
I post here because I like to help people. There are a lot of good guys on this board who deserve a good woman. But, since they are hard to find, it is easy to get bitter and give up on finding one. I hope to remind that not ALL women are idiotic, manipulative, b*tches.

Thank god for VBG, I'm glad as fûck you post here, and hope you'll continue even after you get married. You give (me anyway) guys that are looking for a prospective life-mate some hope in the face of bitterly insurmountable odds that are stacked against us.

Only done this once, and it was a disaster in more ways than one. I discovered I wasn't as into her as I thought I was-big mistake. Also I cherished my privacy & freedom too much at that time to share my place with anyone. I ended it soon before it got too deep tho, once I realized I don't wanna marry her, let alone be her boyfriend.

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"Conclusions arrived at through reasoning have very little or no influence in altering the course of our lives. Hence, the countless examples of people who have the clearest convictions and yet act diametrically against them time and time again; and have as the only explanation for their behavior the idea that to err is human." Carlos Castaneda - The Fire From Within

"It is the responsibility of the strong to help the weak become strong" - Harlan Ellison

 

[DocFrankeinstein]

1. They get to keep tabs on you 24/7.
2. They have more influence over you. They can "mold" and "change" you into the man they want. Example: she has a better position to strong-arm you into giving up your vices--porn, smoking, drinking, video games.
3. They get to force you into monogamy. How can you date other girls when she LIVES with you?
4. They get to play "house" with someone. In the history of the world, has a woman moved in with a boyfriend and NOT immediately re-decorated his place??
5. They get to artifically force the relationship towards marraige. It's like giving the marraige time-clock a "jump start".
[/B]

My god!!! This is the biggest piece of bs I've seen.

People move in when its better to live together economically. When u live alone its much harder then when u live together.

When u live alone u have to cook for yourself, shop and wash the clothes for yourself and the room gets dirty as fast as it does when u are living alone. When you live with someone u split the chores in half. So half the time she gets home first and makes a meal.

Obviously if you are a flaming anti-monogamist its not gonna be pleasurable. But if you're ok with having only one girl then it may be a good choice for you.



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If you take love as a crazy gamble
Throw your dice, take your chance
You will see it from a different angle
And you two can join the dance

 

[Jake Steed]

Originally posted by DocFrankeinstein:
My god!!! This is the biggest piece of bs I've seen.

So you deny women ever move in with their boyfriends for those reasons?

People move in when its better to live together economically.

Interesting. So THAT's the only reason women move in with guys? For economic reasons? Tell me, why is it I've been living alone for years and have never had the need to have a gf move in "for economic reasons"? I could live the rest of my life alone and still not need a live-in gf for "economic reasons". Am I atypical?

Or are you only referring to couples who are below the poverty line?

"Economic reasons"--do you mean to tell me women are smarter with money and by having one living with me, we can save more money together? Please elaborate.

When u live alone its much harder then when u live together. When u live alone u have to cook for yourself, shop and wash the clothes for yourself and the room gets dirty as fast as it does when u are living alone.

Oh, I see. So you want a live-in maid. Again, maybe I'm very different from you, Doc, but I've never seemed to have a problem cooking for myself, doing my own laundry, shopping, and cleaning. Aren't those basic everyday human responsibilities? I would think a person unable to do those things would be pretty helpless and not fit to have a relationship.

Still, I have to take issue with your mathematics. If there are TWICE as many people living there, won't things get dirty TWICE as fast? Won't there be TWICE as much laundry? How does this make it easier for BOTH people? Your scenario only works if one person does MORE than half their share.

If you are moving in for these reasons, then wouldn't it be easier just to get a roommate and share rent and chores? Why not just do that?

Jake

 

[Sting]

Originally posted by DocFrankeinstein:
My god!!! This is the biggest piece of bs I've seen.

Obviously if you are a flaming anti-monogamist its not gonna be pleasurable. But if you're ok with having only one girl then it may be a good choice for you.

No one here is saying that moving in with someone that you love and are ready to marry (after getting engaged) is a bad thing when it makes sense economically. However, the purpose of this forum is to find that specific kind of woman.

For the most part, Ms. Right is extremely difficult to find. Ms. Right Now is often readily-available. Most men, unfortunately, mistake Ms. Right Now for Ms. Right, and don't find out until after they've moved in with her, and often not until after they've married her and had a few kids. Most people move in with one another, and get married, for the wrong reasons.

To find Ms. Right, you must be an "anti-monogomist," to use Doc F's terminology, because being a monogomist with Ms. Right Now keeps you from finding Ms. Right. In other words, being a monogomist takes you out of the game before you've had a chance to score enough points to win. Each Ms. Right Now brings you closer to finding Ms. Right. If you're not 100% she's Ms. Right, then she's merely another Ms. Right Now who is not worthy of monogomy.

The dating game is a two-way street. Economics has almost nothing to do with it, except to the extent that you must protect what is yours from those who are not deserving. Your dating currency is not only your money, which you earn by the sweat of your brow, but your time, which you can never earn back. Don't waste either, because you'll end up poor, miserable and alone.

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It could happen to you, just like it happened to me, there is simply no immunity, there's no guarantee...

 

[Tantric]

I personally would never move in with a GF, unless i was older and looking at marrying her, kids, etc...

Right now i'm living with my fuc-buddy, who is also a co-worker...reason why she lives here now is because we were having sex 5 days a week, she ended up spending most nights here...

believe it or not, we have seperate rooms...the arrangement was sex and sex only...earier on, yet even with that, when i'm interested in other girls or was on a date or just went out with friends, she would get jealous (and she isn't even my GF)...it' s like an attachment thing.

Now, after months of trying to figure things out, we are now just friends, although we still have sex whenever we want...she gets to go out and date other girls or guys depending on her mood...i get to go out and mack other chicks...

Although she didn't come out and directly say it, I found out a few months ago that even though it was just casual sex, she was totally into me...she felt that with us living together it would get me to like her more.

i was in very strict control of my feelings, and not once over the past 10 months we've been screwing, have we EVER gone on a date with her, held hands, kissed each other goodbye or hello, and not once, have i ever let her sleep in my bed....

From my experince with this, even though the deal was "sex only", there came a certain feeling of "freedom" that was lost...mainly on my part...

Knowing what it's like to live with a girl who isn't even my GF, i would DEFINITLY NOT move in with a girl i was dating...not unless we were engaged or committed or something...

Obviously not in this case, but I think most guys do it as a way of holding on to something, or being in control of something...just as much as girls do it...

Ever go to Europe? Notice how most people don't get married until they are in their 30's? The viewpoint over there is to experience anyone and everyone you can...why marry the first person you date?...point is to have fun as much as you can early...commiting early is only a fools way out to give up his "fun" in order to settle for "control"...

 

[Powertrip]

Jake, all of your reasons are valid. Here are my answers:

Knowing the disadvantages of moving in with a gf you don't intend to marry, why do men continue to do it?

"The grass is always greener on the other side, this time will be different, she's the one, I'm spending so much time there anyways.." There are a million reasons why men continue to try this bad experiment. Hell, the idea even crossed my mind this morning after running into an (sorta) ex of mine last night. I figure that out of all the women I've dated, she'd be the easiest to deal with on a day to day basis. Would that eventually change? Yes it would, and I'd never do it. I'm too much of a wanderer and she's much too clingy.

Women are so gung-ho on the concept of living together. They will even do it with a bf they don't take seriously or love that much. WHY?

It goes back to the status quo. Guys want to race their cars, women want to race their relationships. One has a steady boyfriend, the other is living with her boyfriend, and another is engaged AND living with her b/f. It's the big race to cross that finish line called marriage; after that, they don't have much of an idea what to do. Who the guy is or if they even like him is secondary to the race itself.

To the guys who have lived with a girlfriend, please share your experiences--both good and bad. Help me understand why you did it.

I lived with mine, then I married her (DOH!). Things were pretty hunky dory at first, I was happy to have more sex than any man I'd ever known, and I got to get out of my parents house. Stupid reasons, but I can chalk it up to youthful ignorance. The simple fact of the matter is that I had no idea what was involved.

Looking at it objectively now, I can see that I was on a bullet-train to a dead end. I was playing her game (relationship, our own place, cats, marriage, etc) and putting a lot of notches on her side of the board, and getting NONE on mine. It was a use-use-use-me-me-me situation across the board, but that is what I thought it was all about. I didn't need to live with anyone, I didn't need a relationship, cats, marriage, or ANY of that BS. She didn't like me, she just saw that I was gullible enough, and had the resources to support her lifestyle. I was the means to her end.

Now, I'm not suggesting that is what relationships are all about, but there are some malicious, blood-sucking women who are shot straight from the bowels of hell, just as there are some men of the same caliber. I know what a healthy relationship is about, and continue to hold that as my ideal. There is no scoreboard, I know that much.

-Chris

 

[Nightwing]

1. Knowing the disadvantages of moving in with a gf you don't intend to marry, why do men continue to do it?

Who knows, *****whipped?? I've had this happen and when it did, it was more like I let myself get sucked into it. Meaning I would invite a GF over for a couple of hours, and after a few times of that, the next visit would be overnight, then overnight visits would last for days.

2. Women are so gung-ho on the concept of living together. They will even do it with a bf they don't take seriously or love that much. WHY?

Security, the whole idea of having a man around for physical protection, emotional security and the fact that she has someone in her life so that she doesnt have to work as hard.

3. To the guys who have lived with a girlfriend, please share your experiences--both good and bad. Help me understand why you did it.

This happened to me recently, I'm currently in a relationship with another chick (who's in her 40's) who lives on the other side of town and I met another chick about a 2 years ago (in her early 20's) and we also became close. Around last year, she started hanging out at my house and a day would become 2 days and so forth. At the time I didnt mind because she seemed to have a good attitude not to mention that I wanted to see where this was going to lead to and that maybe I could find a replacement for the older chick.

Now the younger chick goes off to college and may spend some weekends with me but recently, she spent the whole summer break with me until she recently went back to school. Everything seemed good at this point until I got a message from a female friend yesterday night.

She just told me that she has been recieving prank calls from a phone number (the number where she goes to school at) with this chick telling my friend that she got the number off my caller ID at my house (at the time she referred to it as HER house). My friend told her that she didnt know what she was talking about and told her not to call her phone number anymore, and she had a list of phone numbers where this chick has called before and left messages. At this point, I dont know. I think this situation is fuccked at best.

 

[Ricardo]

How timely this is for me as a GF starts pressuring me to move in with her when I return to the town I'm from in a month or so.

As I held off, she said, oh you don't want to move in because you are a good catholic boy and your parents would object? And she said you are way too old to care what they think!

I am not ready to move in with her yet. Maybe later but not now. I plan on not bringing it up very often.

I do like what someone wrote about Europe and people getting married later. It is true and a good idea. Too many people are in a hurry to get married. Experience life first!

The bad part is the rush takes away alot of the younger girls 20-24 as they get married. But by 27 or 28 at least half of them are back on the market again!

 

[Powertrip]

oh you don't want to move in because you are a good catholic boy and your parents would object?

Don't buy into this BS of a reason. I heard the same thing when I was getting pressured. Once they get tired of living with you, they'll blame the exact same thing on why - "You're just expecting me to be your mother, I'm not here to pick up after you.." etc.

You can't win. Hold your ground and don't move in with this chick.

 

[Ricardo]

Believe me if I move in with this chick I might just become an alcoholic. I can't handle her ups and downs. When I get back I'm going to break it off I think.

I hate doing that, but it's in my best interest

 

[Garp]

Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
I understand that there are statistics out there, but I can't base my relationship decisions on statistics.

That's a fantastic quote, VBG. Hope you don't mind if I use it sometimes?

As for the pros and cons of living with someone, I'm evenly divided. I've had two live-in relationships. First one, I'm still recovering (financially) from. I was definitely the one who got bent over without any K-Y. There is no vulnerable, emotionally scarred man anyone can berate me about out of that deal. Second one, I don't have many regrets about, even though it didn't work out. At the time, it made sense. He was going to be over there all the time anyway; why not have him help me with the rent and call it his home, too? Anyway, in no way did I use our living arrangements to tighten my stranglehold on him. Perhaps I did it because of some unconscious, Freudian desire to 'play house.' But whatever the reasons, I think two people can co-habitate sucessfully, without being married.

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"It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it."

--Jacob Bronowski, The Ascent of Man

 

[Aztec]

So here are my questions:

1. Knowing the disadvantages of moving in with a gf you don't intend to marry, why do men continue to do it?

2. Women are so gung-ho on the concept of living together. They will even do it with a bf they don't take seriously or love that much. WHY?

3. To the guys who have lived with a girlfriend, please share your experiences--both good and bad. Help me understand why you did it.

1. The dude may think that he could never have a chance to score with another chick, especially if his GF is hot, that this is the time to lock in the deal without the "real" commitment--marriage.


2. Because all or most of her friends are getting hitched or shacking with someone that they feel left out. So what's the next best thing to do? Do exactly what others are doing! Even with someone they're not totally into.

3. Steady sex--for a while. To make a long story short, the romance is beginning to suck, sex life dwindled and I felt that I'm stuck with her in cell block 4 for a long time.

But again you're questions are related to shacking with a woman who you do not intend to marry anyway.

On the other hand, living in with your gal with intentions of leading to the holy matrimony may be beneficial to your conjugal tour of life. And that just didn't come out of me. It came out from a patient who is devout Catholic.


Aztec

 

[Amlothi]

Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
Side Bar: Amlothi - You are still seeing that cheating ho? Hmm... I guess you didn't take my advice.

Hey VBG. Your advice was appreciated. FWIW, I'm keeping her at more than arms length, because (as you said) she's def not LTR material.

She's just a friend that I sleep with once in a while. I've been very honest with her about that, and we have agreed to having this type of interaction, as long as it's only occasionally.

And it's not like I'm not seeing other people.


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"There are no such things as mixed signals when it comes to women, there is reality and what the guy wants to be reality." - Don Phenom

Who wants to be a DJ when you can be so much more?