"Lets co-parent", she says....2 months after marriage.

[marmel75]

Ding ding ding.....we have a winner.

A single mom, being married only a few months, will not do this unless she thought she had another option.

1.) She was gone for a few days. Where did she go (not where she said she went)?? And why did you think it was "OK" to just let her come back? Guaranteed she fvcked someone during that time. Whoever she was trying to branch swing to. They realized how fvcked up her situation was and pumped her and dumped her. So she came back begging for mercy.

2.) You are clearly feeling as if you're walking on eggshells around her. I've been there, done that. Trust me it will never get better in the long run. She will have moments of being normal, social with you, etc., but she will always slide back to acting like this and leaving you feeling awkward in your own home. You have now allowed yourself to be a doormat because you have let her go test the waters, then took her back with open arms.

You need to establish right here and now if you want to go through a little rough patch and get an annulment to be happy later, or stay miserable.

What I would do:

1.) Go home and tell her to leave. Get your sh!t and get out. How dare you leave here for 3 days, doing whatever it is you did, and then show back up. You do NOT trust her and you never will again. If you stay with her, this will haunt you in 5 and 10 years. You will always be wondering what she is up to, what she is planning and when it will happen again.

2.) Go talk to an attorney ASAP. You have not been married very long and it will be going your separate ways with you paying child support. That is cheaper in the long run emotionally, physically and financially than staying with this chick. Bite the bullet and get it done.

3.) Have some respect for yourself and your kid. This is no home to live in and especially to raise a kid in. It WILL happen again.

I've been through this. It lasted 8 years and 3 separations. What I wouldnt give to go back to the first time she started acted weird and told her to get the fvck out.

Probably good advice for the situation he is in currently but I really hope you aren't suggesting he has played no part in this happening. Gaining 100 lbs and becoming an alcoholic are not attractive traits in any woman's eyes I've ever known. In fact if we are "assigning blame" to this situation its likely 80% of the OP's own doing, if not more. Let's not act as if he should be surprised by this, or that turning into an unattractive version of yourself is completely OK but women have to maintain their fitness and attractiveness or they are out.

 

[elcongo]

Once again, thank you all. I've absorbed all of your responses and all posibilities. I made an executive decision to rebuild my castle and come to terms with my new reality. I need to be cautious because of the emotional instability and I need to be selfish enough to rebuild myself. I will lead myself out of this, but without a necessary hope that she will stay. I made a heartfelt decision to be a provider and ignored the trajectory it could possibly take. I ignored the basic psychology behind the opposite sex and f'd myself royally.
Besides the self-improvement aspect and the resurggence of my emotional intelligence....how can I go about desensitizing myself? I dont want to hate...I just want that ability once again of heart rate neutrality and acceptance. How do I prepare myself to not miss her and accept that I may not be seeing my child half of the week from now on? I dont want to lose my mind worrying about the men she brings around my child while im not in her life.
As of today we are still together, and she says shes trying, but theres that monotone hint in the air from her that tells me even if i "change" she may one day in the near future say she tried but its not working. I dont want to be a pessimist, but I need to protect myself. I need to be ready for that day.
She wasnt sure about seeing a therapist at first because she didnt know if she could handle it, but ultimately agreed. So as of today she seems to care enough to take that step instead of taking the loss(which she was good at with past relationships).

 

[Milano]

What is your gut telling you about her cheating? A woman is not suppose to give you feelings like this. Sadly, a thing women tend to do is after they cheat they want to make it all your fault, so whenever she feels guilty, she just thinks about how you are not pleasing her highness.

I agree with the other posters, it doesnt seem right that you have been married for only 2 months and her freaking out at this point. This is why the cheating seems so likely here.

My best buddy got a kid with a crazy hore from a white trash town we grew up in. He made the painful decision to focus all his energy on his education and even move to another country to follow his passion, since the mother gets most of the power anyway. Today he has a new wife and family, and he is skyping with his daughter every day and gets visited/visits her once in a while. His dream is that she can see how happy he and his new family is so that she wants to come and live in the US when she is old enough to take that decision.

When the poisonous doubt is there, it doesnt go away in my opinion. My father came from a different era ofc, but he still claims that one should have no doubts when making it serious with a woman like this, specially not the first couple of years. They should lay the foundation so that when you go through rough times you have all these wonderful memories to help you get through.

It is understandable that you want it to work when the child is involved, hope it works out for you and that you get your manhood back

 

[BeExcellent]

She hasn't quit on you just yet. You have to let her know that you MUST focus on getting yourself back to baseline. She already knows this. Perhaps she will surprise you. My Dad is a wise old lawyer. He would tell you don't cross bridges you haven't come to yet.

In other words banish from your mind worrying about losing her and visitation with your kid etc. You are NOT to that point yet. You must function within your current reality and focus on it like a laser. If she loves you she WANTS to see you get yourself out of this. She can support you and be a source of strength for you if you keep moving forward.

Right now she needs to see your actions to trust that you are indeed serious. But you must worry about YOU first. You should communicate this to her in a firm way but not an ass hole way.

But you must do it for yourself. Her love and respect is a by product perhaps, although not a guarantee. I have great respect for you as you work to right the ship. It takes character to put this kind of story out there for a bunch of strangers. It takes courage to own where you are at. You CAN do it. You MUST.

Write down your actions every day. Keep a journal. What did you eat, what did you weigh, what kind of workout did you do etc. Each night make the next day's plan. You didn't get into this overnight and you won't get out of it overnight either. But step by step you WILL.

 

[marmel75]

Once again, thank you all. I've absorbed all of your responses and all posibilities. I made an executive decision to rebuild my castle and come to terms with my new reality. I need to be cautious because of the emotional instability and I need to be selfish enough to rebuild myself. I will lead myself out of this, but without a necessary hope that she will stay. I made a heartfelt decision to be a provider and ignored the trajectory it could possibly take. I ignored the basic psychology behind the opposite sex and f'd myself royally.
Besides the self-improvement aspect and the resurggence of my emotional intelligence....how can I go about desensitizing myself? I dont want to hate...I just want that ability once again of heart rate neutrality and acceptance. How do I prepare myself to not miss her and accept that I may not be seeing my child half of the week from now on? I dont want to lose my mind worrying about the men she brings around my child while im not in her life.
As of today we are still together, and she says shes trying, but theres that monotone hint in the air from her that tells me even if i "change" she may one day in the near future say she tried but its not working. I dont want to be a pessimist, but I need to protect myself. I need to be ready for that day.
She wasnt sure about seeing a therapist at first because she didnt know if she could handle it, but ultimately agreed. So as of today she seems to care enough to take that step instead of taking the loss(which she was good at with past relationships).

If you truly accept your role in all of this, you shouldn't have hate. You pushed her away, maybe not literally but with your lack of taking care of yourself physically and with the drinking. It is what it is. If you are going to change, then accept it, learn from it and don't make the same mistakes again.

 

[bigneil]

Back in the 1960's there was a secret studio band later known as The Wrecking Crew. They played on dozens of songs you know from The Byrds to Beach Boys, Fifth Dimension and even Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Hal Blaine was the drummer on 7 straight records-of-the-year circa 1966-1972.

He lived in Beverly Hills. One day he went for a ride to get coffee and when he came back his wife had left him and she forced him to sell his gold records so she could take half. From what I understand, his wife never did anything noteworthy except take half of Hal Blaine's stuff.

There is nothing a man can do to impress a woman enough that she would never leave. They have no sense of honor. Look at the wives of some of the greatest men and you see the greatest beneficiaries. Neil Diamond has the highest inflation-adjusted settlement. As if he wasn't good enough for her.

 

[elcongo]

May sound like I'm in denial, but Im almost certain cheating isnt a factor...yet. I know those movements well. I played the game well "in my day". My kryptonite has been my child. Beexcellent seems to have the best possible explanation here. So yes, this is mostly my fault, but no...I will not beat myself up over this. My parents were together over 30 years and lived their vows thoroughly. Till death did them part. expecting grit out out of this nickolodeon generation along with becoming complacenet and ignoring the warning signs were my biggest downfall.
Bigneil's logic is something I thought about too...which is why Im interested in desensitizing myself. theres no honor...and I need to be prepared and not stupid at this point. Whether this has been my fault or not. I can guarantee a change on my end, but in the end it goes both ways...and theres no guarantee she will follow my lead at this point.
I will have something of value once again...but for all the right reasons.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

May sound like I'm in denial, but Im almost certain cheating isnt a factor...yet. I know those movements well. I played the game well "in my day". My kryptonite has been my child. Beexcellent seems to have the best possible explanation here. So yes, this is mostly my fault, but no...I will not beat myself up over this. My parents were together over 30 years and lived their vows thoroughly. Till death did them part. expecting grit out out of this nickolodeon generation along with becoming complacenet and ignoring the warning signs were my biggest downfall.
Bigneil's logic is something I thought about too...which is why Im interested in desensitizing myself. theres no honor...and I need to be prepared and not stupid at this point. Whether this has been my fault or not. I can guarantee a change on my end, but in the end it goes both ways...and theres no guarantee she will follow my lead at this point.
I will have something of value once again...but for all the right reasons.

If you really did gain 100lbs, that would start to eat away from anyones attraction. They may love you but not like looking at you the way they used to. Physical attraction is "easy" to keep together, all you have to do is consciously take care of it. In my mind there is no excuse for letting your physical side slip.

I'd shut my mouth and get back in shape. At 100lbs over it may take 6-12 months to restore your condition. In 3 months itll be 30-50lbs which will be a huge dent.

Personally I'd stay away from her as much as possible while doing my physical retransformation mission. Part of it will include a martial art for increased confidence.

Take care of yourself, put some nice in style clothing on you too.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

If you really did gain 100lbs, that would start to eat away from anyones attraction. They may love you but not like looking at you the way they used to. Physical attraction is "easy" to keep together, all you have to do is consciously take care of it. In my mind there is no excuse for letting your physical side slip.

I'd shut my mouth and get back in shape. At 100lbs over it may take 6-12 months to restore your condition. In 3 months itll be 30-50lbs which will be a huge dent.

Personally I'd stay away from her as much as possible while doing my physical retransformation mission. Part of it will include a martial art for increased confidence.

Take care of yourself, put some nice in style clothing on you too.

I'll throw something out there for the getting in shape:

1. Cut off all alcohol. Not even one drop.
2. Reduce sugars to perhaps one day a week. at your weight I'd hit ( 200-240 g protein, 75-150 carbs, 40-65 fats and no more )
3. 30 minutes of cardio first thing in the morning
4. 3-5 days a week, come back later in the day and do weights or something more strenuous such as a martial art, or dancing.

your first month 20lbs will come off, the next around 15 and after that 10lbs or so a month. It takes time, but people notice even 7 lbs... Just keep going.

It also makes a difference to how you feel about yourself, so your brain works better when the body is being taken care of.