"Lets co-parent", she says....2 months after marriage.

[elcongo]

Been together 3 years. 2 of those engaged and less than two months married. Everything was great the first 2 years. We never fought and got along great. She was always fairly submissive. We were coworkers at first and once we started talking she became pregnant within months. anyhow, I did the "right thing" moved in to an apt, had our child, got a "good" blue collar job and eventually bought a house. Thats when the sh** hit the fan. I had 3 sudden deaths in my family back to back, beginning with my fathers. I would come home after a long day of physical labor and drink a 6 pack. I was never violent and just liked to unwind from the grind. I gained 100lbs. Prior to all of this I was single, an entrepreneur, fit, multiple women interested in me and had the nerves of a navy seal. No woman could get a rise out of me.
I knew in my subconscious that her parents had instilled this ideal in her head that a working class lifestyle was the only path to success, so against my better judgement I pursued that lifestyle. I guess I did it because I wanted a stable household for my daughter. And I went along with the pregnancy because she had proved herself multiple times and It seemed like she was meant to be. she really never gave me much issues.
well fast fwd to now and shortly after getting married she started being quiet. When I confronted her she brokedown and told me we should coparent. When I asked why she told me its because I started drinking again and I would never change because its a cycle with me. When I asked why she married me, she said because things were better.
I couldnt believe my ears...less than 2 months of marriage and now I was faced with losing my son because she had no grit and couldnt stick to her oath. I decided to continue acting myself and not smother her. Within 3 days she came home crying that she didnt want to lose me and wanted to work it out but that we had to get it right because she couldnt go thru this again. things seemed completely back to normal for 2 days....and then she got quiet again. she doesnt talk much and is short with me. shes almost like a robot. talks very monotone now and says she is hopeful for us and reciprocates affection, but almost unwillingly.
What I do know about her past is that she doesnt come back to a man more than once and moves on fast. She is not the type to stay with someone out of a common interest. She will not force herself to be with me just for our daughter. Her parents opinion seems to have a a strong grip still.

Do you suppose she is keeping her guard up after realizing she let her guard down when she brokedown to me? Or could I expect her to change her mind and pull out the rug from under me again? My theory is that I should once again become a coveted man, but my fear is losing my son.That thought is mind-numbing at times.
I know women can have textbook personalities, but Im a bit lost now that a child is involved.

 

[El Payaso]

She's cheating or cheated on you.

Only explanation for the random crocodile tears. She's feeling incredibly guilty and is looking for a way to divorce you.

All she's waiting for now is to create an argument so she can use it to break up with you.

 

[elcongo]

She's cheating or cheated on you.

Only explanation for the random crocodile tears. She's feeling incredibly guilty and is looking for a way to divorce you.

All she's waiting for now is to create an argument so she can use it to break up with you.

I tried to go along with her breakup/divorce. She came back to me a few days later. Said she needed help and wanted to see a therapist. So not sure. I told her I didnt need pity.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Disappear from her life and be prepared to stay away for a long time. Be cordial, polite, but only speak to her only in reference to your son and make every attempt to see him every week. However, do not give her any insight into what you're feeling.

Whether or not there is any relationship to salvage, which I highly doubt, YOU leaving her before the moment of truth is going to blindside her and elevate you in her eyes. What will that do? Perhaps make her curious, and in turn nice to you and more cooperative with your son until she gets the satisfaction which you will refrain from giving her.

Put her in a submissive position where she wants to be. If you wait, and she leaves permanently with all the power, she will get drunk on that power and use your son as a weapon. You can avoid this by upping your game, but not for her. Attack her hamster so she is distracted from the idea of using your son against you.

And start hiding your assets in an obscure, online only bank account that does e-statements. Create a new email to have those statements sent to. Put added layers of security on it. If you have a lot of money, consider converting some of it in some Canadian or European bank.

Good luck.

 

[btownbuck2012]

God almighty, I'm not sure I'd get through something like this without going to prison.

 

[BeExcellent]

Firstly let me say I am sympathetic about the deaths in your family, particularly the loss of your father. My father is dying now. It is hard. My ex husband lost his father suddenly and unexpectedly as an adolescent. It was devastating to him and to his mother, so know that I empathize with you.

May I ask a few questions of the OP to better understand the situation?

1. How tall are you and what is your current weight?

2. How much are you currently drinking alcohol?

3. What did you "give up" as far as your own business to do labor for a living?

4. From your post it appears that your in-laws have influenced your decisions regarding your livelihood and your work and business decisions. Why did you allow this?

I'm a chick. My ex-husband hit a very very rough spot in his life very early on in our married life. Not as rough as yours but rough. You can find my story on SS if you want to know about that.

BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT. I am not going to mince words.

My initial read is this: The idea that she is automatically cheating is not useful. What she is doing is talking to her parents and her parents are worried. I know I would be extremely concerned if she were my daughter.

She loved you because of who you were when you guys got together. You were a fit entrepreneur with goals and ambitions from what I can glean from your story. She defers to and respects that man. But that man has vanished. In that man's place is an obese alcoholic who gave up on his dreams and ambitions. She is afraid and this is not what she signed up for. Y'all have a kid and she is worried about what kind of behavior that kid is getting exposed to. Perhaps she is afraid of the fight telling the truth would cause. Perhaps she is afraid of the drunken response she will get.

Perhaps that makes you angry. Good. You still care enough to get angry.

She gets quiet because she cannot change you. 100 lbs. did not jump on your frame overnight. Because she knows she cannot change you she doesn't fight. She is faced with a choice. Leave you or stay married to a man who has lost control of his life. She loves you and wants to stay (that is what all the crying and her conflicted attitude is about.) She thinks she has no choice but to leave because you have allowed yourself to get to where you are right now. She loves you and she doesn't want to lose her family. But she can't see staying in the current situation. Unless you lead her out.

This is where you have a choice. You can stop the drinking and you can lose the weight. You can get back into shape. You can take back the reins in your life and get out of this dark funk of a place you are in. You CAN. Now WILL YOU?

Ask for support. Ask her for her support; ask her parents. If she and they know you realize the problem and acknowledge it, then chances are they will help support you in overcoming it. Enlist a counselor to help you. Go to AA, go to your pastor, get some support. She is quitting on you because you seem to have quit on yourself.

DO NOT QUIT.

Would you be OK with the mother of your child gaining 100 lbs. and getting drunk every night?

You have to stop the wallowing. Your family members are gone. They are not coming back. Do not ruin the lives of yourself, your wife and your child flogging yourself in your grief and anguish.

If you are seriously looking for a solution to your issues look no further. YOU ARE THE SOLUTION. You are the only solution. Find faith, find support, find strength, find whatever you need to pull yourself up, but pull yourself up you must.

I pray for your strength and your healing and your insight. Face the truth, then get about getting back to the man that you know yourself to be.

 

[sazc]

why do I feel guilty after reading @BeExcellent 's post?!?!

 

[dustmuffin]

Firstly let me say I am sympathetic about the deaths in your family, particularly the loss of your father. My father is dying now. It is hard. My ex husband lost his father suddenly and unexpectedly as an adolescent. It was devastating to him and to his mother, so know that I empathize with you.

May I ask a few questions of the OP to better understand the situation?

1. How tall are you and what is your current weight?

2. How much are you currently drinking alcohol?

3. What did you "give up" as far as your own business to do labor for a living?

4. From your post it appears that your in-laws have influenced your decisions regarding your livelihood and your work and business decisions. Why did you allow this?

I'm a chick. My ex-husband hit a very very rough spot in his life very early on in our married life. Not as rough as yours but rough. You can find my story on SS if you want to know about that.

BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT. I am not going to mince words.

My initial read is this: The idea that she is automatically cheating is not useful. What she is doing is talking to her parents and her parents are worried. I know I would be extremely concerned if she were my daughter.

She loved you because of who you were when you guys got together. You were a fit entrepreneur with goals and ambitions from what I can glean from your story. She defers to and respects that man. But that man has vanished. In that man's place is an obese alcoholic who gave up on his dreams and ambitions. She is afraid and this is not what she signed up for. Y'all have a kid and she is worried about what kind of behavior that kid is getting exposed to. Perhaps she is afraid of the fight telling the truth would cause. Perhaps she is afraid of the drunken response she will get.

Perhaps that makes you angry. Good. You still care enough to get angry.

She gets quiet because she cannot change you. 100 lbs. did not jump on your frame overnight. Because she knows she cannot change you she doesn't fight. She is faced with a choice. Leave you or stay married to a man who has lost control of his life. She loves you and wants to stay (that is what all the crying and her conflicted attitude is about.) She thinks she has no choice but to leave because you have allowed yourself to get to where you are right now. She loves you and she doesn't want to lose her family. But she can't see staying in the current situation. Unless you lead her out.

This is where you have a choice. You can stop the drinking and you can lose the weight. You can get back into shape. You can take back the reins in your life and get out of this dark funk of a place you are in. You CAN. Now WILL YOU?

Ask for support. Ask her for her support; ask her parents. If she and they know you realize the problem and acknowledge it, then chances are they will help support you in overcoming it. Enlist a counselor to help you. Go to AA, go to your pastor, get some support. She is quitting on you because you seem to have quit on yourself.

DO NOT QUIT.

Would you be OK with the mother of your child gaining 100 lbs. and getting drunk every night?

You have to stop the wallowing. Your family members are gone. They are not coming back. Do not ruin the lives of yourself, your wife and your child flogging yourself in your grief and anguish.

If you are seriously looking for a solution to your issues look no further. YOU ARE THE SOLUTION. You are the only solution. Find faith, find support, find strength, find whatever you need to pull yourself up, but pull yourself up you must.

I pray for your strength and your healing and your insight. Face the truth, then get about getting back to the man that you know yourself to be.

There is some good advice contained in this post. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE! Maybe this marriage is done IDK. What you have to do is learn from this experience and better yourself. Lift, Lose weight, stop drinking. This will make you more desirable in your next relationship. Go over to the married redpill redit. Read their sidebar and ask questions. They have more experience in a situation like this than most of the posters here.

All I can tell you is what I would do. I would lead, not be a doormat, Lift and lose weight. Cut the alcohol. Even if your relationship ends in divorce you will be better off. Make yourself a better man.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

She loved you because of who you were when you guys got together. You were a fit entrepreneur with goals and ambitions from what I can glean from your story. She defers to and respects that man. But that man has vanished. In that man's place is an obese alcoholic who gave up on his dreams and ambitions. She is afraid and this is not what she signed up for.

Jiminy fvcking Christmas. Harsh but absolutely true.

You've morphed from an alpha leader to a fat beta beer drinker. Reverse course at all costs.

 

[Von]

If you go back to the man, you were 3 years ago. She'll love you again

You'll have your kid to be proud of you

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Think it was more of the giving up your current lifestyle to cater to there needs.

The man lives his life, kicks ass, and the woman and children follow your lead.

None of this live and be equal garbage(theres millions of femenists chanting equal rights as we speak)

Dont split your income with her.
All that money is yours, if she wants her own, have her earn it herself.
Marriage is doomed from the start.

Id recommend taking a break from seeing your kid for awhile and get over this situation. Every time you see them it just poors gas on the wound.

Rebuild your castle..
Chill in castle,
Your family follows your lead.

 

[elcongo]

Firstly let me say I am sympathetic about the deaths in your family, particularly the loss of your father. My father is dying now. It is hard. My ex husband lost his father suddenly and unexpectedly as an adolescent. It was devastating to him and to his mother, so know that I empathize with you.

May I ask a few questions of the OP to better understand the situation?

1. How tall are you and what is your current weight?

2. How much are you currently drinking alcohol?

3. What did you "give up" as far as your own business to do labor for a living?

4. From your post it appears that your in-laws have influenced your decisions regarding your livelihood and your work and business decisions. Why did you allow this?

I'm a chick. My ex-husband hit a very very rough spot in his life very early on in our married life. Not as rough as yours but rough. You can find my story on SS if you want to know about that.

BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT. I am not going to mince words.

My initial read is this: The idea that she is automatically cheating is not useful. What she is doing is talking to her parents and her parents are worried. I know I would be extremely concerned if she were my daughter.

She loved you because of who you were when you guys got together. You were a fit entrepreneur with goals and ambitions from what I can glean from your story. She defers to and respects that man. But that man has vanished. In that man's place is an obese alcoholic who gave up on his dreams and ambitions. She is afraid and this is not what she signed up for. Y'all have a kid and she is worried about what kind of behavior that kid is getting exposed to. Perhaps she is afraid of the fight telling the truth would cause. Perhaps she is afraid of the drunken response she will get.

Perhaps that makes you angry. Good. You still care enough to get angry.

She gets quiet because she cannot change you. 100 lbs. did not jump on your frame overnight. Because she knows she cannot change you she doesn't fight. She is faced with a choice. Leave you or stay married to a man who has lost control of his life. She loves you and wants to stay (that is what all the crying and her conflicted attitude is about.) She thinks she has no choice but to leave because you have allowed yourself to get to where you are right now. She loves you and she doesn't want to lose her family. But she can't see staying in the current situation. Unless you lead her out.

This is where you have a choice. You can stop the drinking and you can lose the weight. You can get back into shape. You can take back the reins in your life and get out of this dark funk of a place you are in. You CAN. Now WILL YOU?

Ask for support. Ask her for her support; ask her parents. If she and they know you realize the problem and acknowledge it, then chances are they will help support you in overcoming it. Enlist a counselor to help you. Go to AA, go to your pastor, get some support. She is quitting on you because you seem to have quit on yourself.

DO NOT QUIT.

Would you be OK with the mother of your child gaining 100 lbs. and getting drunk every night?

You have to stop the wallowing. Your family members are gone. They are not coming back. Do not ruin the lives of yourself, your wife and your child flogging yourself in your grief and anguish.

If you are seriously looking for a solution to your issues look no further. YOU ARE THE SOLUTION. You are the only solution. Find faith, find support, find strength, find whatever you need to pull yourself up, but pull yourself up you must.

I pray for your strength and your healing and your insight. Face the truth, then get about getting back to the man that you know

I've gathered all these thoughts on my own. I needed the validation. Ive already begun working on myself. Whatever the outcome, I will lead even if at this point its for my own benefit. In doing so, Im certain there will be a positive compund effect from this new me.
Thanks everyone

 

[BeExcellent]

You can do it. Happy to hear you have started the journey. I'll share my favorite quote. I'm sure it's familiar.

If you are going through hell...keep going - Winston Churchill

Good luck and Godspeed

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

why do I feel guilty after reading @BeExcellent 's post?!?!

Because it's all your fault!

 

[ApolloSunGod]

Be indeffernt sounds like your being a beta don't fall into her frame lead as man and build your own frame, if not you have to break it off frist say it's a good idea leave for a few days and let her missed you , alpha man would just walk as beta would just beg and work it out .. your only choice would be push & pull .. females are driven by emotions not logic.. your marriage is not going to last, you can't imagine a future with her shes already thinking about it .. 1 yr at least be prepared for her to break your heart and take your money your done co parents is a key word.. she dosent want a relationship and has the single mom mentally, being realistic, she's just fighting her urge to make it work.. but she'll get tired and leave you..sorry mang you have to step your game up or your f***k for the next 18yrs....

 

[dude99]

I tried to go along with her breakup/divorce. She came back to me a few days later. Said she needed help and wanted to see a therapist. So not sure. I told her I didnt need pity.

You also don't need a flaky woman in your life that still doesn't know what she wants after marrying a guy. Give her 2 options. 1. Get your shiite together or get lost.

 

[dude99]

She's cheating or cheated on you.

Only explanation for the random crocodile tears. She's feeling incredibly guilty and is looking for a way to divorce you.

All she's waiting for now is to create an argument so she can use it to break up with you.

I agree with you. When he started the weight gain she startedto seek the new attention.

Sounds like she got some and she thought she was in the clear to branch swing. I bet the new branch was only there for a pump and dump, and when she came crashing down she did what any quality girl (cough cough,) would do and lie to her husband when she sees the singles bus coming, suddenly wants to work things out, suddenly needs therapy, suddenly wants him back in her life.

OP. Do not trust a flaky woman. I repeat do not trust a flaky woman.

 

[Tenacity]

Been together 3 years. 2 of those engaged and less than two months married. Everything was great the first 2 years. We never fought and got along great. She was always fairly submissive.

I had 3 sudden deaths in my family back to back, beginning with my fathers. I would come home after a long day of physical labor and drink a 6 pack. I was never violent and just liked to unwind from the grind. I gained 100lbs. Prior to all of this I was single, an entrepreneur, fit, multiple women interested in me and had the nerves of a navy seal. No woman could get a rise out of me.

well fast fwd to now and shortly after getting married she started being quiet. When I confronted her she brokedown and told me we should coparent. When I asked why she told me its because I started drinking again and I would never change because its a cycle with me. When I asked why she married me, she said because things were better.

Well, here we go. Before I address your situation I need you to understand what you are DOING when you sign a marriage contract.


The REALITY Of A Marriage Contract

When you sign a marriage contract, you are taking a "bet" on a relationship being a happily ever after situation going forward, which means it puts YOU in a better position AFTER than BEFORE.

Now, very few marriage contracts perform this way. Marriage has a high direct failure rate (50% for 1st marriages) and a high indirect failure rate (you stay married but aren't happy). I would estimate that the direct and indirect failure rates are about 80%, which means 20% of marriages are "happy situations", which means 8 out of 10 directly or indirectly fail.


Your UNICORN Is Leaving You?

Now, with that being said, you want an explanation for why your "unicorn, soul-mate, the woman that God sent you, etc." is wanting to LEAVE you all of a sudden?

- Well, it could be BeExcellent's reasoning

- It could be El Payaso's reasoning

- Or, it could be (insert another reason here)

- Or, it could be (insert another reason here)

- Or, it could be (insert another reason here)

What does this tell you Sir? It tells you that NOBODY knows jack shyt about why your girl is acting like that lol.......matter of fact.....your girl probably doesn't even know why she's acting like that!

This is the crapshoot of marriage, the risk you take when you sign on. You have a 20% chance of it being a happy situation and a 80% chance of it being a failure. If it fails, who the fvck really knows why it failed lol?

I mean dude you are marrying a woman from the WORSE dating market of women in HISTORY, so the actual reason for why she wants to leave you could literally be any damn thing or NOTHING at all, her "emotions" could just be telling the flakey bytch to leave lol!


So What's My Recommendation Right now?

- Get your legal stuff in order (get an attorney on board now)
- Fight to get FULL custody of your child
- Hide assets offshore
- Make sure no alimony gets awarded

Do I think you could "fight" for your marriage and "win" her back? Lol. Sir the woman took a vow for BETTER or WORSE, and the moment the WORSE came, the bytch dipped out. So as you can see Sir....people just REPEAT these vows....they don't mean them.

For the vast majority Marriage does not provide any benefits to the man. The only benefit you get that you don't get outside of a Marriage, is if you are LIVING off the woman (you get taken care of and can put her a.ss on alimony if break up) or if you are doing it for strict religious/commercial/political reasons. Other than that, any benefits of a Marriage that a man gets can be obtained OUTSIDE of it, which means there's absolutely NO REASON to risk that 80% chance of failure.

Good luck sir, because you're going to need it.

 

[Glassguy]

I agree with you. When he started the weight gain she startedto seek the new attention.

Sounds like she got some and she thought she was in the clear to branch swing. I bet the new branch was only there for a pump and dump, and when she came crashing down she did what any quality girl (cough cough,) would do and lie to her husband when she sees the singles bus coming, suddenly wants to work things out, suddenly needs therapy, suddenly wants him back in her life.

OP. Do not trust a flaky woman. I repeat do not trust a flaky woman.

Ding ding ding.....we have a winner.

A single mom, being married only a few months, will not do this unless she thought she had another option.

1.) She was gone for a few days. Where did she go (not where she said she went)?? And why did you think it was "OK" to just let her come back? Guaranteed she fvcked someone during that time. Whoever she was trying to branch swing to. They realized how fvcked up her situation was and pumped her and dumped her. So she came back begging for mercy.

2.) You are clearly feeling as if you're walking on eggshells around her. I've been there, done that. Trust me it will never get better in the long run. She will have moments of being normal, social with you, etc., but she will always slide back to acting like this and leaving you feeling awkward in your own home. You have now allowed yourself to be a doormat because you have let her go test the waters, then took her back with open arms.

You need to establish right here and now if you want to go through a little rough patch and get an annulment to be happy later, or stay miserable.

What I would do:

1.) Go home and tell her to leave. Get your sh!t and get out. How dare you leave here for 3 days, doing whatever it is you did, and then show back up. You do NOT trust her and you never will again. If you stay with her, this will haunt you in 5 and 10 years. You will always be wondering what she is up to, what she is planning and when it will happen again.

2.) Go talk to an attorney ASAP. You have not been married very long and it will be going your separate ways with you paying child support. That is cheaper in the long run emotionally, physically and financially than staying with this chick. Bite the bullet and get it done.

3.) Have some respect for yourself and your kid. This is no home to live in and especially to raise a kid in. It WILL happen again.

I've been through this. It lasted 8 years and 3 separations. What I wouldnt give to go back to the first time she started acted weird and told her to get the fvck out.

 

[marmel75]

You let yourself go. You gained 100 lbs. The same way you wouldn't want to be with a woman who weighed 120 lbs when you got married and now is 220 lbs, is the same way she is probably looking at you in regards to physical attraction. Do you honestly think she wants to see you naked? Do you even want to see yourself naked? I mean it doesn't take much to see her physical attraction to you has disappeared. So we hammer women who gain a bunch of weight and expect them to maintain their fitness and attractiveness levels, but guys get a free pass? I don't think so. Not if you are living in reality they don't. Or you don't care if your woman cheats on you with a guy who DOES keep himself attractive and in shape.

And on top of that if you are still drinking a 6 pack nightly, you are an alcoholic. Plain and simple. You might be a functioning alcohlic, able to hold down a normal job, but you are an alcoholic nonetheless. You can deny it as much as you'd like but those are the facts. So to answer the question, she likely has lost a lot of physical attraction to you and she probably doesn't like you being an alcoholic. Would you like it if she came in from whereever and did 2 lines of Coke every night on the table in front you? Think about it. You need to clean up your act brother. You have put yourself in this position. What are you going to do now? Are you going to continue down the same path to oblivion or are you going to reverse course and be the person she married?

It's probably not what you want to hear, but it's what you NEED to hear. You've been lying to yourself for a while now, it's about time you heard the truth. She married an entrepreneur with ambition and someone who had goals and plans for his life and now all she has is a guy with a dead end job and no goals in life who comes home and tries to drown out his sorrows. Is she supposed to be OK with that? Would YOU be OK with that if you married someone who became a complete 180 of who they married? I think we all know the answer to that question.

More importantly, how are YOU OK with that?? What happened to you? Is this how you want your life to play out? It's not too late to change it if you want to, but you have to want to. You have to find a glimmer of the person that you were 3 years ago and figure out how to get back to him. Not for her sake, because I think this situation is too far gone for anything to help, but for yours.

You seem to have a lot of resentment towards your situation because you did what you "were supposed to", which I can understand because the only person you answer to ultimately is yourself. This post isn't meant to beat you up, but dammit, you need to wake up and look in the mirror at who you've become and be really really honest with yourself and how you want the rest of your life to play out because you are reaching a critical juncture right now. As Nickelback sings in one of their songs: "The first step you take is the longest stride....Don't take the free ride in your own life". Right now you are the passenger in the back seat of your life, and I have no idea who is driving. I'm not sure you do either, and that's even scarier.