Learning to become Alpha after being cheated on (long story)

[HyenaPrince]

he may end up alone for a while.

What's so bad about that?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Is there anyway to "erase" her "gains" or feelings of being "superior" to him from her cheating on him? Whether he has to lie and cheat even more powerfully to "back her up", to make he feel "lesser"? With all the minds here, someone must know the "dirty" or "not so good" ways that this type of deficit can be handled.

We all know in the rational method a man really needs to leave if he's cheated, especially if he's historically cheated. But is there anything that can be done otherwise if he had no other choice?

 

[Suave88]

What's so bad about that?

Really bad. He can take the red pill and no one will build him a shrine, and he can take the blue pill and no one will build him a shrine. If you have never been alone, then you do not know what being alone is in a good or bad way. We dont know how soon he will meet a new person. I recommend him to cheat. That's my advice.

 

[HyenaPrince]

Is there anyway to "erase" her "gains" or feelings of being "superior" to him from her cheating on him? Whether he has to lie and cheat even more powerfully to "back her up", to make he feel "lesser"? With all the minds here, someone must know the "dirty" or "not so good" ways that this type of deficit can be handled.

We all know in the rational method a man really needs to leave if he's cheated, especially if he's historically cheated. But is there anything that can be done otherwise if he had no other choice?

There is a way. Several, to be honest. But since it's so easy to file for divorce, each and every scenario will most likely lead to them splitting up. And then she will destroy him for good. But here is one way he could make her feel "lesser":

Start showing interest in other women and don't make a secret out of it. Tell her you met a wonderful woman at the gym or the grocery store. Do this sporadically. Be away 3-4 times a week after coming home from work and having spent some time with your children. I'm not talking about leaving the city. Just go meet some friends for 2-3 hours and don't tell her about it. Whens he asks why you're so distant, you tell her "Don't be so childish. It doesn't suit you."

Every now and then you tell her she gained weight before you go for a run. This will break her ego down slowly but surely.

Finally, throw a few mini temper tantrums without screaming. When she misplaces your shirt, you knock over a chair or break a plate (no pun intended). Don't talk to her for a day or two afterwards and then be overly nice for a second. Pure emotional clusterf*ck.

As mentioned above, going down this path will eventually lead up to a divorce and more trouble if handled poorly. Nowadays you'll get framed for that type of behavior. She'll file for divorce and then accuse you of who knows what. It will be up to her imagination. Leaving her is the only valid and healthy option here.

 

[TB24]

I don‘t fear being alone. I don‘t want to, but I don‘t fear it. I have a high SMV and would surely be an attractive option for many women.

I fear making the wrong decision, especially giving up too early. Who knows how this turns out if I finally develop some Game or Dread. She was always sure that I would be hers forever. She has the power as I need(ed) her more. So, I guess I need to develop some game/dread that’s compatible with an LTR with kids.

 

[nomorebetaBS]

Inexperienced noob response here, so take it as you will. Just my take based on what I'm learning so far...

It seems like there isn't any one perfect answer to become "alpha" in this scenario but any of the possible ways, whether they include leaving her or staying, could work as long as you get yourself out of HER frame. In general, leaving seems the best route and the more experienced opinions seem to support it. But I do think it can be done even if you stay, although the new conditions it creates might make for a sh1tty marriage that might not end up lasting anyway.

Either way, don't think of becoming alpha for THIS situation but rather because it's just what you should do for your own personal development. It seems like you're basing at least some of your choice on whether it makes you alpha IN RELATION TO HER, when it should be for you and you alone. If you start sleeping with other women, do it without any need to explain yourself to her. If she gets to do it, you also get to do it. If she can't accept that...well I'd certainly walk.

You said she finds this other guy so attractive and masculine, and he acts like he doesn't care, and also that she SHOULD feel about you how she does about him, WITH the f word and exclamation points included. Clearly you care and it gets to you. That already takes away any edge you could have in that scenario, where he does have it. Seems you have to detach yourself if you're going to do what is needed to become alpha in this while staying with her (then again, you'd have to detach to leave her anyway). Whatever fantasy you had about your marriage was an illusion you have to overcome if you're going to come out winning whether you stay or leave.

In general it does seem better to walk but it doesn't seem impossible to alpha up in this scenario while staying, but you have to put aside any hangups based on how she would take it and basically devalue the hell out of her.

Again, my noob take may not have much value, but it seems to make sense. If I'm wrong, hey...NOOB!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

If you dipart her you become an alpha. However, you can become an alpha too if you cheat on her. I don't recommend letting her go physically unless you have some for yourself. She has already let you go a long time ago.

Sometimes if you cheat hard enough on them they will be drawn back into you. You really gotta ignore them and being focused on the puzzy that's paying off. Her competition mode will get triggered where she wants to win you over the other ladie(s). Ontop of them, all the personal growth, fitness and financial portions should be getting made more prominent and well taken care of.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

There is a way. Several, to be honest. But since it's so easy to file for divorce, each and every scenario will most likely lead to them splitting up. And then she will destroy him for good. But here is one way he could make her feel "lesser":

Start showing interest in other women and don't make a secret out of it. Tell her you met a wonderful woman at the gym or the grocery store. Do this sporadically. Be away 3-4 times a week after coming home from work and having spent some time with your children. I'm not talking about leaving the city. Just go meet some friends for 2-3 hours and don't tell her about it. Whens he asks why you're so distant, you tell her "Don't be so childish. It doesn't suit you."

Every now and then you tell her she gained weight before you go for a run. This will break her ego down slowly but surely.

Finally, throw a few mini temper tantrums without screaming. When she misplaces your shirt, you knock over a chair or break a plate (no pun intended). Don't talk to her for a day or two afterwards and then be overly nice for a second. Pure emotional clusterf*ck.

As mentioned above, going down this path will eventually lead up to a divorce and more trouble if handled poorly. Nowadays you'll get framed for that type of behavior. She'll file for divorce and then accuse you of who knows what. It will be up to her imagination. Leaving her is the only valid and healthy option here.

That all sounds good. What about his "side female" strategy? If he's being "bullied" in the bedroom and in the world of intimacy, how does he handle this portion?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I don‘t fear being alone. I don‘t want to, but I don‘t fear it. I have a high SMV and would surely be an attractive option for many women.

I fear making the wrong decision, especially giving up too early. Who knows how this turns out if I finally develop some Game or Dread. She was always sure that I would be hers forever. She has the power as I need(ed) her more. So, I guess I need to develop some game/dread that’s compatible with an LTR with kids.

Dude it was you manning up doing 3-5 hrs of physical fitness and or related activities almost every single day? That is a serious commitment that builds up self respect, and gives you tight and strong CONTROL over your self and your control of your life.

 

[lostintime]

I don‘t fear being alone. I don‘t want to, but I don‘t fear it. I have a high SMV and would surely be an attractive option for many women.

I fear making the wrong decision, especially giving up too early. Who knows how this turns out if I finally develop some Game or Dread. She was always sure that I would be hers forever. She has the power as I need(ed) her more. So, I guess I need to develop some game/dread that’s compatible with an LTR with kids.

Is that you in your profile pic?

 

[lostintime]

If she cheats you gotta kick her to the curb man. Staying w/ her after that just makes you look like a clown.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

My read on the situation is going to be a bit different than the guys who have responded thus far. You have several things to seriously consider. I’m going to ask you some very specific questions and the answers will impact my advice.

1. What are the ages and genders of the children?

2. Setting aside the cheating etc. how is the friendship and companionship that underlies the relationship?

3. Do you realize you both came into the marriage with false facades? You seem to see that one but it is of particular importance.

4. What do YOU want the future if you could choose all parameters of the outcome?

Answer those questions and I’ll give you some thoughts.

Cheers

 

[TB24]

@lostintime: Yes. The pic shows me in the gym last week. I better don't show you a pic from February...

@BeExcellent:
1. What are the ages and genders of the children?
Three girls (2/7/9 years old), one boy (5 years old).

2. Setting aside the cheating etc. how is the friendship and companionship that underlies the relationship?
Good. We support and take care about each other (at least with regard to family life...). Feels like there is/was a clear separation of roles: The wife/mother/family persona is as great in that role as you can imagine. She invests a lot of time and effort in family life. We are good parents that complement each other.

Friendship and companionship in other aspects of life is hard to answer, because with four kids you don’t really have a life other than family… I think that's a big reason of her current eat-pray-love trip: She desperately wanted to be a mother and have a family to overcome an old trauma. Now she has husband and children. But it's very demanding and other aspects of her life are neglected. Is this really what I want?

We just started doing things together without the kids during the last weeks. They can now - up to a certain point - take care of each other, so that we can do something only for us. Tonight, we’ll go to a restaurant (her idea) for the first time in like 10 years…
I think there is a lot of oxytocin flowing between us. The hormone that makes us want to cuddle the other one and feel secure with him/her. Testosterone and adrenaline obviously not so much... In June she said that this has been there when we met. But after 12 years, everything is so predictable and ...boring.

3. Do you realize you both came into the marriage with false facades? You seem to see that one but it is of particular importance.
Why do you think, that I had a facade? I’d say that I was a chump. A kidult without experience with real women. A rational nerd with zero emotional intelligence. But facade?

With regard to her: Yes, definitely facade. And we were both aware of this. I learned very early that she always says and does what makes others happy (so that she brings positive emotions to them). She wants to be liked and treats everybody this way. She always smiles regardless of her real inner feelings. She’s proud of that control. I guess she sensed right from the start how blue-pill I was and that I couldn’t handle the truth about her inner slut. In Rollo’s words ‚I just didn’t get it‘ so she reduced me to a role that she thought I was capable of.

And I have to admit that I understand it: Was I a good soul mate? Not really. Inexperienced and zero emotional intelligence. I definitely couldn’t mentor her, albeit 8 years older. Very early, she told about her biggest trauma and I absolutely blew it (Oh. I feel sorry for you. Can we talk about that tomorrow? I’m really tired now.).

Have I been a good sex partner? No. I won’t go into details, but: no. And with regard to the rest of my life / our relationship, I was in no way Alpha. So, there have probably been only two options for her: Leave him or keep him with all his flaws (=beta). She opted for the latter and obviously took what I couldn’t deliver from other ’sources’.

That’s at least my interpretation and I want to see how life is when I develop better emotional intelligence, game, dread and being more Alpha (in life and in bed). I need those qualities regardless of her. So, at the very least I have a good training partner while I improve ;-)

4. What do YOU want the future if you could choose all parameters of the outcome?
Being emotionally intelligent. Being Alpha with regard to all aspects of my life. Being able to f.ck her (or other women) so that she/they can’t get enough of me. Being honest to each other about our desires and expectations. Not being lied to. Either we have no sexual or emotional relationships to other persons or we do this on an equal level. I don’t want to totally rule this out yet. To some degree, I like the idea of having a threesome with someone she’s hot for and someone I find hot at another time. I think, she would do it. Actually, I am the one who is inhibited. No sex with a different person for more than 12 years. Perhaps, I should start with an escort to lower my embarrassment threshold and gain confidence that I can be sexual outside of a monogamous relationship (I never was…).

I want to be desired. I want to be the more powerful partner in this relationship (or at least equally powerful). The good thing is, that time is on my side. Part of what constitutes my SMV does not really decline (status, money, intelligence). My looks doesn’t seem to decline that fast. I have full hair and look at least 5 years younger than I am. For her, SMV is mostly based on looks and she already photoshops her eyes etc. for social media… ;-) Of course, she is very intelligent. But I don't think that a potential partner will care about that... So, it will be interesting to see where we compare SMV-wise in 5 years from now.

I don't want my kids to take damage. I want to keep the social appearance with an intact marriage alive (albeit not at all costs). I want a more intense and less boring life. I want to be respected by my partner. I want to be less of a control freak that I am right now (out of fear?). I don't want to leave, but I want to have the confidence that I know I could. I want to have options and I want her to know it. I want her to be afraid of losing me. I want to control the frame.

I want to remain calm when my kids cry and argue (like 10 times a day). I want to be able to start conversations with random people (just as she can).

To be honest, I don’t fear a scenario in which she has another f.ck buddy as long as I have one myself and this life turns both of us on and spices it up. Not my dream scenario, but somehow charming… It just must not be lopsided. What I really don’t want to have back is scheduled s.x. Now that I know what she is capable of and what s.xual energy she has, I want to be the one to ignite that as well. So it’s more about making me better than about making her into something. Then, the rest will follow in one direction or the other.

Thus: Looks, dread, game, bedroom skills and first and foremost Alpha skills. Then, I will have better options and will be able to execute the best one.

 

[TB24]

Anecdote aside:
We were walking with our dog yesterday. He was nervous and didn‘t do what I wanted. So I pulled him closer. Didn‘t work really well.

She: What are you doing? Give him a little more space and everything will be fine! (Takes him, gives more space, dog behaves.) You see?

Me: What‘s that? Some kind of Karate-Kid-Lesson?

She (smiling at me): At least you came to that conclusion by yourself...

 

[BeExcellent]

@lostintime: Yes. The pic shows me in the gym last week. I better don't show you a pic from February...

@BeExcellent:
1. What are the ages and genders of the children?
Three girls (2/7/9 years old), one boy (5 years old).

2. Setting aside the cheating etc. how is the friendship and companionship that underlies the relationship?
Good. We support and take care about each other (at least with regard to family life...). Feels like there is/was a clear separation of roles: The wife/mother/family persona is as great in that role as you can imagine. She invests a lot of time and effort in family life. We are good parents that complement each other.

Friendship and companionship in other aspects of life is hard to answer, because with four kids you don’t really have a life other than family… I think that's a big reason of her current eat-pray-love trip: She desperately wanted to be a mother and have a family to overcome an old trauma. Now she has husband and children. But it's very demanding and other aspects of her life are neglected. Is this really what I want?

We just started doing things together without the kids during the last weeks. They can now - up to a certain point - take care of each other, so that we can do something only for us. Tonight, we’ll go to a restaurant (her idea) for the first time in like 10 years…
I think there is a lot of oxytocin flowing between us. The hormone that makes us want to cuddle the other one and feel secure with him/her. Testosterone and adrenaline obviously not so much... In June she said that this has been there when we met. But after 12 years, everything is so predictable and ...boring.

3. Do you realize you both came into the marriage with false facades? You seem to see that one but it is of particular importance.
Why do you think, that I had a facade? I’d say that I was a chump. A kidult without experience with real women. A rational nerd with zero emotional intelligence. But facade?

With regard to her: Yes, definitely facade. And we were both aware of this. I learned very early that she always says and does what makes others happy (so that she brings positive emotions to them). She wants to be liked and treats everybody this way. She always smiles regardless of her real inner feelings. She’s proud of that control. I guess she sensed right from the start how blue-pill I was and that I couldn’t handle the truth about her inner slut. In Rollo’s words ‚I just didn’t get it‘ so she reduced me to a role that she thought I was capable of.

And I have to admit that I understand it: Was I a good soul mate? Not really. Inexperienced and zero emotional intelligence. I definitely couldn’t mentor her, albeit 8 years older. Very early, she told about her biggest trauma and I absolutely blew it (Oh. I feel sorry for you. Can we talk about that tomorrow? I’m really tired now.).

Have I been a good sex partner? No. I won’t go into details, but: no. And with regard to the rest of my life / our relationship, I was in no way Alpha. So, there have probably been only two options for her: Leave him or keep him with all his flaws (=beta). She opted for the latter and obviously took what I couldn’t deliver from other ’sources’.

That’s at least my interpretation and I want to see how life is when I develop better emotional intelligence, game, dread and being more Alpha (in life and in bed). I need those qualities regardless of her. So, at the very least I have a good training partner while I improve ;-)

4. What do YOU want the future if you could choose all parameters of the outcome?
Being emotionally intelligent. Being Alpha with regard to all aspects of my life. Being able to f.ck her (or other women) so that she/they can’t get enough of me. Being honest to each other about our desires and expectations. Not being lied to. Either we have no sexual or emotional relationships to other persons or we do this on an equal level. I don’t want to totally rule this out yet. To some degree, I like the idea of having a threesome with someone she’s hot for and someone I find hot at another time. I think, she would do it. Actually, I am the one who is inhibited. No sex with a different person for more than 12 years. Perhaps, I should start with an escort to lower my embarrassment threshold and gain confidence that I can be sexual outside of a monogamous relationship (I never was…).

I want to be desired. I want to be the more powerful partner in this relationship (or at least equally powerful). The good thing is, that time is on my side. Part of what constitutes my SMV does not really decline (status, money, intelligence). My looks doesn’t seem to decline that fast. I have full hair and look at least 5 years younger than I am. For her, SMV is mostly based on looks and she already photoshops her eyes etc. for social media… ;-) Of course, she is very intelligent. But I don't think that a potential partner will care about that... So, it will be interesting to see where we compare SMV-wise in 5 years from now.

I don't want my kids to take damage. I want to keep the social appearance with an intact marriage alive (albeit not at all costs). I want a more intense and less boring life. I want to be respected by my partner. I want to be less of a control freak that I am right now (out of fear?). I don't want to leave, but I want to have the confidence that I know I could. I want to have options and I want her to know it. I want her to be afraid of losing me. I want to control the frame.

I want to remain calm when my kids cry and argue (like 10 times a day). I want to be able to start conversations with random people (just as she can).

To be honest, I don’t fear a scenario in which she has another f.ck buddy as long as I have one myself and this life turns both of us on and spices it up. Not my dream scenario, but somehow charming… It just must not be lopsided. What I really don’t want to have back is scheduled s.x. Now that I know what she is capable of and what s.xual energy she has, I want to be the one to ignite that as well. So it’s more about making me better than about making her into something. Then, the rest will follow in one direction or the other.

Thus: Looks, dread, game, bedroom skills and first and foremost Alpha skills. Then, I will have better options and will be able to execute the best one.

Good. Thoughtful answers. I will respond in depth in a little while. On a road trip with my son.

First suggestion: Go on Amazon. Purchase a book called Passionate Marriage by David Schnartz (I’m not spelling his last name correctly). Get it. You guys and you specifically need this book. Just get it.

You have very young children & a potential I think if all is laid out on the table to remake yourself & your family.

You & your wife have already begun the difficult work of facing reality. That is paramount to your success. More on the facade later...

Be aware...some of the guys here may say not to listen to me (a woman) etc. Be mindful who you listen to. There are men here with no idea about marriage and kids and all that entails. There are men here who are married and who have been through divorce and who are good fathers.

You can find my story in the thread How to Spot a Unicorn if you want to read it. I was married to a nightclub owner who had the hottest club in a well known nightlife city, have 3 children, am divorced 6+ years and my avatar is me at age 50. I ‘get’ it where you are.

There are men here who understand well where you sit, and men who do not have enough experience to advise about marriage. The guys are awesome and will encourage you to be your best self. You are on your way in that aspect already. Keep progressing. You can do this.

Order the book. More later on thoughts about how to manage your family and marriage.

Cheers

 

[Baibars]

I'm younger than you but i went through similar stuff like you. I'm not telling you that you should leave this woman because she cheated on you or because she has a promiscuos past etc, not because it's the right thing to do.
I'm telling you to leave because your relationship with her is NOT salvageable. That's just a fact. I know you have good intentions ( for the kids etc. ) but these good intentions will only prolong your suffering and in the end you will be zeroed out. If you stay with her you'll be a failure forever. She will probably leave you in a few month/years or whatever and you will be even more fcked up because you invested more and more instead of stopping to invest in such a fcked up marriage.

Watch this! Look, you can go the easy way and you can believe that your relationship with her and the marriage is salvageable.. or you can go the hard way, do the work and live a good life.

 

[death_wish. .]

You seem to know what to do. You basically solved each and every problem right after you mentioned it. But you're still unwilling to do the only correct thing. Namely leaving her. Why are you staying? Is it because of your children? Or because she's "hot as hell"?

I'm telling you this: you will end up getting hurt even more. Your self-respect will suffer and eventually fade away. Even thinking about ignoring her infidelity is extremely self destructive.

yes!

 

[death_wish. .]

I don‘t fear being alone. I don‘t want to, but I don‘t fear it. I have a high SMV and would surely be an attractive option for many women.

I fear making the wrong decision, especially giving up too early. Who knows how this turns out if I finally develop some Game or Dread. She was always sure that I would be hers forever. She has the power as I need(ed) her more. So, I guess I need to develop some game/dread that’s compatible with an LTR with kids.

you look great man , i say keep on improving , as a matter of fact , go even harder. im not gonna tell you what to do but in my experience staying with a woman who cheats on you will never be a good situation , if you start cheating she's just gonna go do her thing even if you dont she is still gonna do her thing. so it just depends on you if you cant just accept the cheating and do your thing but if you have feel close with her its only gonna piss you off and frustrate you again bro.
i dont know what kind of marriage arrangements you have and what will happen if you divorce at this rate
you cant try to play the game if you want im not saying dont im just saying honestly its us men who be fallin in love , once you fall in love you, and you are married or together with her as a wife or girlfriend or anything sentimental , u will no longer be able to be indifferent to her subtle signs of cheating its the unconscious subtle signs that hurt the most .

 

[death_wish. .]

Second Tier Advice(covertly lawyering up is Tier One) in no particular order:

1) Do NOT have a threesome with her, of ANY kind...not with another woman, and certainly not with another man. Why are you even considering that?

2) Being "Alpha"(first thing you should do is stop nerding up masculinity with incel lingo) isn't just about getting in shape. If you want to be the dominant man in any woman's life, the last thing you should do is to signal to her that there aren't any consequences for disloyalty. All you've accomplished, so far, is demonstrating to your wife that you want to fight to keep her, at all costs, instead of kicking her to the curb, as she probably expected you to do. If you ask me, she had more respect for you, six months ago, when she feared your discovery of her infidelities might lead to her becoming a mid-thirties single mother of four, playing the back nine of her milfdom. Now, she feels comfortable roping you into a threesome with another D U D E. Getting in shape is a nice start, but the point, for a man, should be to become stronger than other men, not just to look better in a swimsuit; get those female concepts of vanity out of your head. A man's most important strength is between his ears. Physical strength without mental strength only qualifies a man to be a highly prized slave. Right now, you're just competing to be your own wife's favorite houseboy.

3) if you have a guest bedroom, move her into it. Don't give up the master bedroom to her. Put her out of your bed. Tell her you need space to figure things out, but you aren't going to share a bed with a woman you can't trust. Get her out of the house with the kids, and move all her stuff into the guestroom, garage, basement, attic, whatever, while she's gone.

4) She needs to be trying to win YOU over, not vice versa. Is it okay that a woman you're sleeping with is sleeping with other men? It can be, as long as that woman isn't sharing YOUR bed, living under YOUR roof, and isn't walking around calling herself "Mrs. [Yourlastnamehere]."

5) Stop acting like a SIMP.

6) A G A I N, get a lawyer, and don't tell the wh0re.

im rockin with this ,HARD.

 

[BeExcellent]

I'd say that there is ZERO "friendship" where there is disloyalty.

I understand your position completely. The problem is as OP has realized is that he & his wife never got all the sexuality issues on the table until recently. It takes tremendous trust to do this and frankly to discuss the cheating and the “Why” behind it openly.

Now what OP must is be EXTREMELY honest with himself. How does HE want the marital sexual relationship to look? If he REALLY wants her sexually loyal to just him (which in my opinion is best) then he needs to REQUIRE that of her and she needs to COMPLY. And he needs to be willing to walk away and destroy her life and her appearances of the storybook marriage if she balks.

He must embalm his balls in steel. If she tosses him attitude, he can tell her fine. I’ll replace you with a younger, hotter woman. Period. Say it with a stone cold straight face. He’s too trepidatious about asserting himself. Assert yourself. Be an ass hole. Let her complain a little about it.

More later.