Rollo Tomassi
Master Don Juan
Appologies all for my recent absence here. Life has gotten in the way and I do have to apply myself at work. I've also had the interesting experience this week of helping sort out a situation for a girl who works for me and has become (in a round about way) a personal counseling project. KARMA SUTRA and STR8UP are familiar with this girl's story to a degree (yes, it the one I spoke of at dinner), but a lot has developed and I didn't have her permission to relate much of anything here (I always practice confidence) until recently. Which brings me to the topic of my thrread here; but before I elaborate on her story let me relate a principle I've been exploring recently.
Back in 2003 I lived in Reno, Nevada. And I can remember one distinct morning I was driving from the gym into work and I was waiting at a stop light. It was around 8am and as I slowed and stopped at the intersection, along drives my wife in her car coming from the cross traffic. I knew it was her, I saw her in the driver's seat and I knew the car (because I had bought it). Now, I have to ashamedly admit that the first thing that crossed my mind was that she was running around on me. Instant jealousy, instant suspicion. I felt that all too familiar rush of chemicals flood my bloodstream as I wondered just what the hell she was doing at that time of the morning in that particular part of the town. I later realized that she had chosen that particular route to avoid an accident that was snarling traffic on the freeway, but I can't deny that my first impulse (however fleeting) was one of jealousy, suspicion or potential betrayal. My wife of (then) 7 years, who'd never in that time ever gave me pause to question her committment triggered, for about 10 minutes, a jealousy-suspicion - and the effects of which we're quantifiable in that adrenaline-endorphin rush leading to irrational imaginations.
As most of you know I have a stellar marriage (10 years in July thank you) and I'd like to pride myself on pragmatism and rationality, but I wont deny that my first thought was suspicion. I think this is a fascinating aspect of our psycho-evolutionary development as a species so I did a bit of research on this for the book I'm presently writing. It was easy to find study after study of this jealousy effect not only in humans, but primates and most advanced mammals - hell, even some birds get jealous! All of this is triggered by certain environmental prompts according to situation. A very complex ****tail of hormones is released into our bloodstreams when such conditions are met, leading exactly to the feelings and irrationality I experienced that morning. Jealousy is a very well studied dynamic and one that has latent survialism functions. Obviously one of our biological imperatives in this life time is ensuring the fidelity in the choice of our partners with whom we've decided to share parental investment (or potentially will share it with). So imperative is this that our own biologies have evolved to react to even the suspicion of infidelity. This is the root of these very volatile emotions.
All this brings me to a particular AFC that I've recently had the displeasure of dealing with (albeit at arms distance). Roy, 23, like all proper AFCs bought into the pollyanna idea that moving in with his girlfriend, Joanne, would be great, they'd get married and live happily ever after. One problem is that Joanne was just getting over a 2 year relationship with her Jerk, up and coming rockstar, boyfriend and was not yet "over him." She had to move out though, and Roy in all of his AFC zeal played 'savior' and they got a one bed appartment in another state. Roy has classic ONEitis (as I define it) and also suffers from a 'savior' schema (i.e. "I'll fix her problems and she'll reciprocate intimacy in gratitude"). He'd already played Surrogate Boyfriend in the Friend Zone with Joanne for over 5 years prior to their living arrangement. In the 8 months since they began cohabitating, there has been nothing but unresolved strife in the relationship. Roy, like most AFCs is also an identifier - the more he can make himself what he believed she was looking for in a guy the less genuine identity he possessed. Joanne responded to this by pining for the ex-Jerk boyfriend and the opposite qualities that he exhibited, he became the challenge and the object to chase. All of this culminated in her taking to trips back to see the Ex in an attempt to restart a better relationship with him.
Now all of this happens with Roy's implicit knowledge. He KNOWS her feelings, he sees her behaviors, she doesn't try to hide anything from him and it's all above board. There is no subterfuge and she unequivocably has made her intent clear - she plans to move back to the state where the Jerk is. Yet inspite of all of this, Roy still seeks confirmation of his jealousy and affirmation of his own self-image. In my estimation he has become 'addicted' to the chemical rush induced by the jealousy prompt. He constantly badgers Joanne with batteries of questions to which he already KNOWS the answers too, but still they come. She is incredibly stressed in this and it's taking a physical toll on her, meanwhile Roy tries to ascertain facts and feelings he's already confirmed for himself and soaking up the jealousy rush rather than moving on and doing what I think most of us can see ought to be the more ratioonal course of action.
Obviously I can't go into absolute detail here of all the instances I know about the relationship, but what I'm focusing on is this mental attachment to this jealousy and the physical attributes that perpetuate the cycle. As humans, we LOVE this sh!t. Even the minor amounts of stimulation that our popular culture can feed us through titalating media - Jerry Springer type shows, desperate housewives, soaps, romance novels - is evidence of a physical craving.
For a while we had a rash of threads dedicated to "I think my girl is cheating on me", "I'm in an LDR and I don't trust her" or "How should I act around/how do I get back at my Ex." All of these are rooted in the latent function of our biological response to jealousy (or it's potential, suspicion) and I think understanding how this works in us is the key to resolving these situations.
Back in 2003 I lived in Reno, Nevada. And I can remember one distinct morning I was driving from the gym into work and I was waiting at a stop light. It was around 8am and as I slowed and stopped at the intersection, along drives my wife in her car coming from the cross traffic. I knew it was her, I saw her in the driver's seat and I knew the car (because I had bought it). Now, I have to ashamedly admit that the first thing that crossed my mind was that she was running around on me. Instant jealousy, instant suspicion. I felt that all too familiar rush of chemicals flood my bloodstream as I wondered just what the hell she was doing at that time of the morning in that particular part of the town. I later realized that she had chosen that particular route to avoid an accident that was snarling traffic on the freeway, but I can't deny that my first impulse (however fleeting) was one of jealousy, suspicion or potential betrayal. My wife of (then) 7 years, who'd never in that time ever gave me pause to question her committment triggered, for about 10 minutes, a jealousy-suspicion - and the effects of which we're quantifiable in that adrenaline-endorphin rush leading to irrational imaginations.
As most of you know I have a stellar marriage (10 years in July thank you) and I'd like to pride myself on pragmatism and rationality, but I wont deny that my first thought was suspicion. I think this is a fascinating aspect of our psycho-evolutionary development as a species so I did a bit of research on this for the book I'm presently writing. It was easy to find study after study of this jealousy effect not only in humans, but primates and most advanced mammals - hell, even some birds get jealous! All of this is triggered by certain environmental prompts according to situation. A very complex ****tail of hormones is released into our bloodstreams when such conditions are met, leading exactly to the feelings and irrationality I experienced that morning. Jealousy is a very well studied dynamic and one that has latent survialism functions. Obviously one of our biological imperatives in this life time is ensuring the fidelity in the choice of our partners with whom we've decided to share parental investment (or potentially will share it with). So imperative is this that our own biologies have evolved to react to even the suspicion of infidelity. This is the root of these very volatile emotions.
All this brings me to a particular AFC that I've recently had the displeasure of dealing with (albeit at arms distance). Roy, 23, like all proper AFCs bought into the pollyanna idea that moving in with his girlfriend, Joanne, would be great, they'd get married and live happily ever after. One problem is that Joanne was just getting over a 2 year relationship with her Jerk, up and coming rockstar, boyfriend and was not yet "over him." She had to move out though, and Roy in all of his AFC zeal played 'savior' and they got a one bed appartment in another state. Roy has classic ONEitis (as I define it) and also suffers from a 'savior' schema (i.e. "I'll fix her problems and she'll reciprocate intimacy in gratitude"). He'd already played Surrogate Boyfriend in the Friend Zone with Joanne for over 5 years prior to their living arrangement. In the 8 months since they began cohabitating, there has been nothing but unresolved strife in the relationship. Roy, like most AFCs is also an identifier - the more he can make himself what he believed she was looking for in a guy the less genuine identity he possessed. Joanne responded to this by pining for the ex-Jerk boyfriend and the opposite qualities that he exhibited, he became the challenge and the object to chase. All of this culminated in her taking to trips back to see the Ex in an attempt to restart a better relationship with him.
Now all of this happens with Roy's implicit knowledge. He KNOWS her feelings, he sees her behaviors, she doesn't try to hide anything from him and it's all above board. There is no subterfuge and she unequivocably has made her intent clear - she plans to move back to the state where the Jerk is. Yet inspite of all of this, Roy still seeks confirmation of his jealousy and affirmation of his own self-image. In my estimation he has become 'addicted' to the chemical rush induced by the jealousy prompt. He constantly badgers Joanne with batteries of questions to which he already KNOWS the answers too, but still they come. She is incredibly stressed in this and it's taking a physical toll on her, meanwhile Roy tries to ascertain facts and feelings he's already confirmed for himself and soaking up the jealousy rush rather than moving on and doing what I think most of us can see ought to be the more ratioonal course of action.
Obviously I can't go into absolute detail here of all the instances I know about the relationship, but what I'm focusing on is this mental attachment to this jealousy and the physical attributes that perpetuate the cycle. As humans, we LOVE this sh!t. Even the minor amounts of stimulation that our popular culture can feed us through titalating media - Jerry Springer type shows, desperate housewives, soaps, romance novels - is evidence of a physical craving.
For a while we had a rash of threads dedicated to "I think my girl is cheating on me", "I'm in an LDR and I don't trust her" or "How should I act around/how do I get back at my Ex." All of these are rooted in the latent function of our biological response to jealousy (or it's potential, suspicion) and I think understanding how this works in us is the key to resolving these situations.
