It's been a long time, but I need some good sound advice.....

[GhostOfCordon]

This may be long...

As many of the longer term posters here know, I have posted on these forums since the year 2000 or so. Under cordoncordon. I have tried to offer the best advice I could, and during all my years here I don't know if I ever really needed advice from you guys. Well, that time has come. I am kind of lost to be honest.

As some of you may have seen from one of my few previous posts under this alias, I said I was married (very happily) for 6 years or so to a beautiful and wonderful women, but I cheated. Not proud of it, but I did. Purely for sex. I love my wife, we do everything together, and honestly she is a great women. So unlike most of the undateables that you find in the world.

The women I cheated with was a women, 27, that I met at the gym. She is from Thailand and was in the USA as an Au pair. We talked and got to know each other for 1.5 years or so before anything even happened. She had lived in CA where I am and moved to NY after 6 months or so, but we kept in contact now and then. FYI she is a solid 8.5 to 9. Gorgeous girl.

Anyway, we met in Vegas one weekend and had sexors. And......she got pregnant.

At first I was in a state of shock, obviously, but then as time went on, I started to like the idea. My wife doesn't want kids and I always kind of did. I was torn between leaving my wife for my child and the Thai girl, and it was a very stressful ordeal for many months. I moved the mom and my now beautiful baby daughter near me in CA for 5 months or so while I decided what to do. My wife then found out about it all last October. Needless to say she went ballistic. Now I had the mom and daughter near me, and at the same time was in the same house as my wife who for very valid reasons, treated me like a piece of garbage.

Due to many reasons last fall, I told mom that she should go back to Thailand for a few months so her mom can help take care of baby Charlotte and the mom can work (she couldnt for over a year due to the baby) and save some money, while at the same time giving me time to decide what to do. Now, bear in mind that the Thai mom had been waiting for me for about 2 years to be with her, she had been very patient through it all and I cannot blame her for what happened later. Which is...


I sent them back to Thailand while I figured things out. Meanwhile, back around Feb or so, my wife Slowlyyyyyyyyy started to forgive me. I don't know how or why, but she stopped divorce talk and began trying to reconcile. As of today, we are back to being 100% together and things could not be better. In fact she is taking me to Cancun for my birthday this Sept, cost over $2000, and took me on a cruise this spring. She really has been amazing through it all.

That being said, I miss my daughter. I send money to the mom every month, gifts, etc. I would love to be able to take care of her and raise her and teach her everything I know about life. But....even if I wanted to leave my wife, which I can't say I do, the mom has for now said she does not want to be a family. Which...ok, I understand. I strung her along for 2 years, I can't blame her.

Which leads me to my issue needing advice. Before the mom moved to the USA, she knew an American man over there that she kind of dated. After she moved back this winter, she got a job via him at his company. Which I was fine with. And they have started to "date". Which is also fine, I can't blame her. The issue I have is this. The mom has a facebook page about my daughter. It is for family and friends to be able to see her growth, and it is the only way I really get to see her right now. This guy who she is dating has gone out of his way to buy my daughter gifts, comment on almost every picture and video, like them all, calls himself "uncle Matty", says he is "so proud of her when she does something, etc etc. As a man and a father, it really affects me. I want to be a huge part of my daughters life. To have another man spending time with her, and saying these types of things, is to me very disrespectful and honestly really REALLY strange to me. I just cannot imagine doing the same if I was dating a single mother with a kid.

And when I say he acts weird, I mean he really goes out of his way to talk about her on my daughters page and acts almost as if he is then dad. I won't lie, it drives me crazy. My family sees that page and the thought of another man acting as a father figure to her makes me very very sad.

So, I am asking, should I say anything to him? So far for many months I have not said a word. Kept my mouth shut. But I so want to tell him how strange it is and that he is not the father nor will be ever be. I know that this can possibly open up an entire can of worms, but part of me thinks he is doing it just to get at me, or to get in her pants. Not because he really cares about my daughter.

Is there anything you guys can offer as advice? Either to say nothing or if I do, what to say?

Thanks....

 

[sazc]

Just holy sh1t....
Lol, another female that is going to grow up with Daddy issues.....

They are in Thailand. If you want rights as a father you need to start legal proceedings over here.
Say what you want to say to "Uncle Matty". The conversation may go well or it may go off the rails but you aren't going to find any peace until you speak your mind, so speak it. If you do open your mouth, go into the conversation with the mindset of learning about the situation, and then work with/within that information.

Btw, your gorgeous HB Thai girl got pregnant on purpose. She knew exactly what she was doing.

 

[GhostOfCordon]

Just holy sh1t....
Lol, another female that is going to grow up with Daddy issues.....

They are in Thailand. If you want rights as a father you need to start legal proceedings over here.
Say what you want to say to "Uncle Matty". The conversation may go well or it may go off the rails but you aren't going to find any peace until you speak your mind, so speak it. If you do open your mouth, go into the conversation with the mindset of learning about the situation, and then work with/within that information.

Btw, your gorgeous HB Thai girl got pregnant on purpose. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Well the baby is an American citizen. I am down on the birth cert as the father. I have full parental rights. She has my last name. As long as the mom lives with baby and her mom, I am ok with that arrangement. But if the mom starts living with another guy. I am getting half custody, I dont care if it does cost me my marriage.

 

[sazc]

Well the baby is an American citizen. I am down on the birth cert as the father. I have full parental rights. She has my last name. As long as the mom lives with baby and her mom, I am ok with that arrangement. But if the mom starts living with another guy. I am getting half custody, I dont care if it does cost me my marriage.

That's some fvcked up parenting strategy you got there.... You're only going to step in and parent of you can't control what the mother does with her life?
You're supposed to step in and be a FATHER 24/7 and regardless of any extraneous issues...
Yep, 13 years from now a blooming teenager with Daddy issues will be on the scene.

Yea! Thai mom now has an all access America pass. She can come and go as she pleases and your money has she and her family living like a queen in Thailand. Smart woman!

 

[CodeOfAtlas]

Your child deserves a loving father role; you're obviously not going to be it. You're clearly a narcissist with deep seated issues.

Stop being so selfish and give your daughter a small glimmer of hope that some man much better than yourself might come into her life and repair the hell hole you've left behind in her life.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Your child deserves a loving father role; you're obviously not going to be it. You're clearly a narcissist with deep seated issues.

Stop being so selfish and give your daughter a small glimmer of hope that some man much better than yourself might come into her life and repair the hell hole you've left behind in her life.

It's her mother's fault for trying to get with an already married man. EVERYONE knows that's going to cause issues no matter who you are. You can't blame this guy. He isn't a narcissist for wanting to have kids while his wife doesn't. He isn't a narcissist for caring about his child. He isn't a narcissist for wanting to share something with another who he can trust (sharing his life and knowledge with his daughter). This was one of the most ignoarant statements I've ever read. You either don't have kids and cannot put yourself in the place of this guy or you are a woman.
_____________________________
Cordon, whatever you do, you gotta do it 100% or not at all. If you are going to be a father, you gotta be in her life100%. There is no 50/50 here at all. You are either in it or you are not. Being partially there is just dangling the carrot in front of your daughter while growing up; you are showing her what you are and what you COULD be doing as a father, but just aren't. It will eat away at her more than if you are completely out of her life. If baby momma doesn't want you to be the father, then the BEST thing you could possibly do to keep your daughter's sanity and emotional stability is to stay out of her life. This seems to be causing you some extreme emotional distress, and I can tell you right now that it will do the same to your daughter unless she forgets about you. Yeah it's sh!tty, but this is your test of life. Many of the guys here have gone through extreme oneitis and been burned by women, and that was their test. You said you never really needed advice from this place until now. Well I believe that the best thing for both you and your daughter is to go NC. That means you gotta stay out of her life, stay out of your baby momma' slide, out of her boyfriend's life, protect your money, and just do everything you can to no longer think about them. Again, this is only if you cannot be a dad full time.

If you ARE able to be a father, then I'd say that you would have to leave your wife because it seems that she most certainly would not be okay with you having another wife. One thing I would consider is whether or not your baby momma would make a good wife and mother. If she wouldn't and you see yourself going through a lot more stress being with her and possibly her leaving you for someone else, then I'd say it isn't worth the risk to be with your daughter for only a short amount of time. If she is a good person and would be like your wife is to you, then I'd say to go for it. Only judge the Thai girl by her character on this, not on her looks.

Honestly, I don't think it would be good for you to with her though because the chances of her being better than your current wife are slim and you being a father full time while being with this woman who likely will get with another man is going to put you through a world full of stress. My opinion would be NC, with all of them. If your daughter really wants to see you or talk to you, then she will find a way when she gets older, and you can tell her why you weren't in her life. But until then, of ever, I'd say to leave them all alone. Maybe make that comment towards that other guy just to tie up some loose ends you have towards him, but after that, no more.

 

[CodeOfAtlas]

It's her mother's fault for trying to get with an already married man. EVERYONE knows that's going to cause issues no matter who you are. You can't blame this guy. He isn't a narcissist for wanting to have kids while his wife doesn't. He isn't a narcissist for caring about his child. He isn't a narcissist for wanting to share something with another who he can trust (sharing his life and knowledge with his daughter). This was one of the most ignoarant statements I've ever read. You either don't have kids and cannot put yourself in the place of this guy or you are a woman.

A narcissist defending a narcissist, "ignoarant" indeed.

The most obvious problem with what you've said here is "He isn't a narcissist for wanting to have kids while his wife doesn't." If kids were what he wanted, why marry a woman who doesn't want kids?

Only a narcissist (and fool) would get a woman pregnant in secret then have the audacity to hide it from his wife. Did he really think he would keep it secret indefinitely? A person who takes responsibility for their actions would own up as soon as possible knowing this is a human life rather than trying to live a secret double life. This is his wife, not some woman he went on a few dates with, but we all have our own standards of how a wife should be treated.

That being said, his wife does sound like an idiot.

 

[sazc]

The chain of events was:
He was HAPPILY married (by his own admission)
He eventually met a hot Thai HB 9 and decided that he would bang her (not to make kids, just to bang)
He ended up with an unplanned pregnancy (she got citizenship by way of kid, and a big, on going, payout)
The pregnancy was unplanned by him, the decision to cheat was deliberate.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

A narcissist defending a narcissist, "ignoarant" indeed.

The most obvious problem with what you've said here is "He isn't a narcissist for wanting to have kids while his wife doesn't." If kids were what he wanted, why marry a woman who doesn't want kids?

Only a narcissist (and fool) would get a woman pregnant in secret then have the audacity to hide it from his wife. Did he really think he would keep it secret indefinitely? A person who takes responsibility for their actions would own up as soon as possible knowing this is a human life rather than trying to live a secret double life. This is his wife, not some woman he went on a few dates with, but we all have our own standards of how a wife should be treated.

That being said, his wife does sound like an idiot.

You are by far the biggest idiot of them all. Don't you know anything about how modern society and women? If his wife is a great gal, but doesn't want kids, it is much better that he marry her instead of some naggy witch who does want kids. This is someone you are supposed to be spending the rest of your life with. Not just someone you have sex with and never talk to or deal with outside of that. He could be extremely altruistic, not narcissistic. The urge to have kids is biological, it cannot be helped. Why his wife doesn't want kids, no one knows why. Those like her will die out eventually. Knowing this, I can easily claim that he wanted to save his wife the heartbreak because he actually does care about her, just as you have that he and I are both narcissists. Hiding it may have been the best possible route considering that she was completely distressed over him cheating.

 

[Desdinova]

back around Feb or so, my wife Slowlyyyyyyyyy started to forgive me. I don't know how or why, but she stopped divorce talk and began trying to reconcile. As of today, we are back to being 100% together and things could not be better.

My question is... Have you read the Cheat Manual? For anybody who is thinking about cheating, currently cheating, or has cheated, I highly suggest reading it. There's also a part about getting caught. You're on your one "get out of jail free" card.

You can read it here.

As a man and a father, it really affects me. I want to be a huge part of my daughters life. To have another man spending time with her, and saying these types of things, is to me very disrespectful and honestly really REALLY strange to me.

This is something that you'll have to learn to cope with. I don't think you should leave your wife for the woman you had a fling with. I also think you need to trust that this woman you had a fling with will choose to be with a man who's respectable and trustworthy. Honestly, I think you need to distance yourself from this. You may have to wait until your daughter is an adult (or at very least a teenager) before you can have any kind of a relationship with her.

I so want to tell him how strange it is and that he is not the father nor will be ever be.

No. He realizes that.

I understand that you have a biological desire to protect your daughter, but you're going to have to wash your hands of having a part of raising her, unless you decide to abandon any ideas of having a relationship with either your fling or your wife.

My wife doesn't want kids and I always kind of did.

I generally don't suggest anything like this, but have you considered re-visiting this idea with your wife? I honestly think you should sit down and talk with her about having at least one child with her. People can really change once they have their own child. It won't get rid of the desire to be a parent to your daughter, but it might help satisfy your desire to just be a parent.

 

[GhostOfCordon]

Thank you for all the responses so far. I will respond in detail a little later to each.

So he commented some more yesterday and today. Today there was a video of her crawling around the floor and his comment was....."looks like she is looking for 'uncle Matty". He being uncle Matty of course.

I just cannot get over how disrespectful to me and WEIRD this is is general.

So, do I say anything at this point to the guy or not?

 

[CodeOfAtlas]

I agree with everything Amante said.

I just took it one step further and acknowledged the most realistic possibility, which is that OP isn't ready (at least at this time) to be the present father every child deserves. If he really did have what it takes, he wouldn't need to post on a forum asking what he should do. The answer is quite obvious, instinctual I'd say, what a loving father would do.

(Hint: not send her to another country is a good start)

 

[GhostOfCordon]

I am honestly starting to become VERY concerned with my daughter being around this guy. And when I say concerned, I mean in the worst way possible. The way every father fears about his daughter with older men around.

He calls himself her "uncle".

Just in the past 2 days he has written 3 different times how much she misses him, how much he misses her, and there have been 2 different photos where she was near a door or on the floor and he says she is "trying to get to him".

This is not normal behavior from a grown man towards another mans young daughter and I am starting to think there is some pedo issues going on here, which GREATLY concerns me.

At this point I have to say something...but what? I was thinking something like this....

"As her father, I am sick and tired of having to read this kind of stuff over and over on my daughters facebook page. Stop embarrassing yourself. Not to mention, it's just REALLY strange. It's not something a grown man usually does to this extreme to a young girl who is not his daughter. For example calling yourself her uncle? And quite frankly, this concerns me for her safety being around you.. If and when I go to Thailand? You are going to be my first stop so we can have a little chat. I am asking you man to man and as her dad to stop."

Thoughts?

 

[The Duke]

So we have the baby daddy teaching his "daughter" that money/gifts = love since that's all he cares to do. We have Uncle Matty putting on a show for everybody on faKebook so he is the center of attention. Both men have some issues. And the reason this little girl grows up to be damaged goods will be because of these two men. See how the cycle of dysfunction keeps going?

So my advice to you Cordon is to say a prayer that Uncle Matty is the father you will never be. Lets hope he means well and all of this isn't for show. Be gracious somebody is doing your job for you. Lord knows we don't need any more girls that grow up with daddy issues.

Ps. I have a sister that had a baby girl with a loser. I've watched him try to buy her affection over the years. Never did he want to be a father. Reminds me of you. by the time she's 15 she will hate you and want nothing to do with you.

 

[GhostOfCordon]

So we have the baby daddy teaching his "daughter" that money/gifts = love since that's all he cares to do. We have Uncle Matty putting on a show for everybody on faKebook so he is the center of attention. Both men have some issues. And the reason this little girl grows up to be damaged goods will be because of these two men. See how the cycle of dysfunction keeps going?

So my advice to you Cordon is to say a prayer that Uncle Matty is the father you will never be. Lets hope he means well and all of this isn't for show. Be gracious somebody is doing your job for you. Lord knows we don't need any more girls that grow up with daddy issues.

Ps. I have a sister that had a baby girl with a loser. I've watched him try to buy her affection over the years. Never did he want to be a father. Reminds me of you. by the time she's 15 she will hate you and want nothing to do with you.

Not sure where you come off saying this, but the facts are these.

Edit

 

[GhostOfCordon]

Edit. Will handle myself.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

You wanted kids, the wife didn't. Are you telling me you and your wife never discussed kids BEFORE getting married?

 

[BetterCallSaul]

And look, I don't need lectures about me abandoning my kid. Until you are in my situation no way can possibly know what it feels like. I have done the best I could imo under the circumstances and DO PLAN to be a part of my daughters life. IF I have to fight to get her back to the USA for 6 months a year? I will.

All I want is some good advice on what to do about this guy. At this point it has gone from a guy who was probably trying to get to me with his comments, to where I think there are some pedophilia issues possibly starting to develop.

You aren't a part of her life now, but you want to fight to be a part based on principle. I haven't read anything yet that states you've taken action to really become a father for your daughter 24/7. Not fight to get custody, not fight so that you can see her in some regard, not fight so you can tell the other guy to get the hell out...to be a proper father 24/7.

And before you dismiss what I've said, you might check my own post history. I have 2 daughters of my own so I'm inclined to think I have at least a little experience keeping a traditional nuclear family together under the same roof.

 

[GhostOfCordon]

Edit. Will handle myself.

 

[GhostOfCordon]

You aren't a part of her life now, but you want to fight to be a part based on principle. I haven't read anything yet that states you've taken action to really become a father for your daughter 24/7. Not fight to get custody, not fight so that you can see her in some regard, not fight so you can tell the other guy to get the hell out...to be a proper father 24/7.

And before you dismiss what I've said, you might check my own post history. I have 2 daughters of my own so I'm inclined to think I have at least a little experience keeping a traditional nuclear family together under the same roof.

Edit. Will handle myself.