It is truly amazing how quickly women can move on

[Jitterbug]

Over the weekend, I talked to two girl friends who are mourning their last breakups still - one is 4-5 months later for a relationship that lasted a bit over a year. One thing they have in common? They were dumped by the guys.

 

[jophil28]

Over the weekend, I talked to two girl friends who are mourning their last breakups still - one is 4-5 months later for a relationship that lasted a bit over a year. One thing they have in common? They were dumped by the guys.

I frequently chat to women who reveal that they are still mourning the loss of some guy/B/f/ badass husband.
Just because a woman appears to have moved on by jumping into another guys arms does not mean that she is cold and callous and lacks the capacity to deeply feels the loss.

MY experience is that a loss of a significant relationship deeply scars women, often permanently. Relationships are their currency. A marriage or LTR which fails is as painful and damaging to most women as the sudden loss of a lifetime career would be to us.

 

[Jitterbug]

MY experience is that a loss of a significant relationship deeply scars women, often permanently. Relationships are their currency. A marriage or LTR which fails is as painful and damaging to most women as the sudden loss of a lifetime career would be to us.

Yeah one of those I talked to is a 30 y.o who has pretty much taken herself off the market after she lost a guy she was deeply into in a LTR and he recently got married.

I made a mental note to disqualify women with such baggage immediately for potential LTRs. The odds are terrible.

 

[guru1000]

If you have options, you would APPEAR to have moved on just as quickly.

Women are natural plate spinners so it may seem they are ruthless in moving on to the next chapter. Truth be told, she is just refilling the ego tank with the next readily available YES man.

No need to worry. Once her ego tank is full, she will drop him and call you.

 

[jophil28]

If you have options, you would APPEAR to have moved on just as quickly.

Women are natural plate spinners so it may seem they are ruthless in moving on to the next chapter. Truth be told, she is just refilling the ego tank with the next readily available YES man.

No need to worry. Once her ego tank is full, she will drop him and call you.

Exactly right..women APPEAR to move on easily, and they can APPEAR to do so because they just call up the next chump in line who is grateful to get his shot.

Truth is that she will suffer the loss of the LTR for a LONG time but gets to FEEL better by having the new contender bloat her ego.
Women who do not have a bull pen just retreat into their sisters/girlfriends, or rediscover chips and dips and icecream and DVDS.

 

[decades]

I posted here a few weeks back about how I knew I had to break up with my gf over her cheating. Well, we fully broke up there what 2 weeks ago.

She rang me today over tying up some loose ends and already she is dating someone else. I'm fairly sure that she has known him since the start of January (setting up the next branch I suspect).

Tbh, I'm no longer in love with her but the sheer speed she's moved on has definitely dented my ego a bit. When I first tried to break up with her the first week of January she went crazy and was begging me to stay. The final breakup was more mutual and we just ceased all contact.

For me personally, I just can't imagine dating someone else so soon after a ltr. As in actual dating now not hookups. It really does bring home some of the points on this board. Its my first experience of seeing someone move on at the snap of a finger. Frankly I'd take longer to get over my sports team not winning!

don't make the mistake thinking that all women are like this. Having said that, the women that tend to drive men to post Here, generally speaking, are like this. IOW, it's not women. It's YOUR woman.

 

[MayorOfTheParty]

Maybe she was already attracted to the other guy, or even seeing him. Just because she was hurt by you wanting to breakup doesn't mean she might not have been interested in someone else at the same time.

 

[Tazman]

It's never a problem when you have "options". The only thing that makes it drag on and on is your perceived lack of options (valuable options btw). When you're the one doing the dumping you're already over it, hence the dumping.

Mutual breakups probably happen as often as simultaneous orgasms, neither one can be proved anyway.

 

[STR8UP]

"If you have options it won't matter" is all good and fine, but it goes to help illustrate my point. I still do not believe that it is 100% about "options", but it's a good point so I want to expand on this a bit.

Here's the issue with "options".

When I am in a relationship, even if things aren't "perfect", I'm not looking for "options". I am in a goddamned relationship. Something that I have INVESTED myself in. I'm not looking to "swing branches".

This is where men differ from women. Chicks are so deathly afraid of rejection and loneliness, that they are almost ALWAYS scanning the horizon. You can bet your ass that 9 out of 10 times when a woman dumps you she already has replaced you with someone else.

So yea, I agree that having options helps to soften the blow. But it just goes to show the nature of women is to ensure that she always has options, whereas a man holds his relationship with much higher regard in many cases.

Most breakups and most divorces are initiated by women. What does this tell us? Well, one thing it tells ME is that men tend to be the sentimental, romantic suckers who are left without a parachute most of the time.

And I don't care how many options a person has....if you just spent the past year or two of your life with someone, it's pretty damn disrespectful in any capacity to be shacking up with someone else the next day or the next week.

I guess it just goes to show the true "value" a relationship has once it has served its purpose, especially to women.

 

[darkstarrr]

Another priceless thread guys. Thank you.

Emotional Cutoff a la Murray Bowen

"Emotional cutoff refers to the mechanisms people use to reduce anxiety from their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings, and other members from the family of origin. To avoid sensitive issues, they either move away from their families and rarely go home; or, if they remain in physical contact with their families, to avoid sensitive issues, they use silence or divert the conversation. Though cutoff may diminish their immediate anxiety, these unresolved problems contaminate other relationships, especially when those relationships are stressed.

The opposite of an emotional cut-off is an openly communicative relationship. It is a very effective way to reduce a family's over-all anxiety. Continued low anxiety permits motivated family members to begin the slow steps to better differentiation."

 

[jophil28]

Another priceless thread guys. Thank you.

Emotional Cutoff a la Murray Bowen

"Emotional cutoff refers to the mechanisms people use to reduce anxiety from their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings, and other members from the family of origin. To avoid sensitive issues, they either move away from their families and rarely go home; or, if they remain in physical contact with their families, to avoid sensitive issues, they use silence or divert the conversation. Though cutoff may diminish their immediate anxiety, these unresolved problems contaminate other relationships, especially when those relationships are stressed.

The opposite of an emotional cut-off is an openly communicative relationship. It is a very effective way to reduce a family's over-all anxiety. Continued low anxiety permits motivated family members to begin the slow steps to better differentiation."

Who is Murray Bowen ? Another self help genius trying to make a living by stating the obvious ?

 

[darkstarrr]

Who is Murray Bowen ? Another self help genius trying to make a living by stating the obvious ?

He was one of the most important clinical psychologist/psychiatrists in American history. His work led to what we consider today as EQ - emotional quotient (as opposed to IQ).

 

[jophil28]

He was one of the most important clinical psychologist/psychiatrists in American history. His work led to what we consider today as EQ - emotional quotient (as opposed to IQ).

OH, him !
" Emotional quotient" ?
The psych profession loves its buzz words, doesn't it.

 

[Tazman]

When I am in a relationship, even if things aren't "perfect", I'm not looking for "options". I am in a goddamned relationship. Something that I have INVESTED myself in. I'm not looking to "swing branches".

It's not that women are necessarily "pursuing" options because they really don't have to. Men are the ones who have to put some kind of effort in to spin plates, women just "present" themselves and we're all over the place waiting to pounce on them. That's their advantage, that's why they usually always have someone to fall back on. We make it effortless for them.

This is where men differ from women. Chicks are so deathly afraid of rejection and loneliness, that they are almost ALWAYS scanning the horizon. You can bet your ass that 9 out of 10 times when a woman dumps you she already has replaced you with someone else.

Agreed, but I think it's because they get used to always having someone around, so they make sure to keep it that way.

So yea, I agree that having options helps to soften the blow. But it just goes to show the nature of women is to ensure that she always has options, whereas a man holds his relationship with much higher regard in many cases.

Honestly, because of the "work" involved, I think guys just get lazy when they're getting a regular piece, I think that's why guys get married, for something consistent. I'm not saying all we do everyday is think about f-cking women only, but damn it sure seems like it sometimes (maybe it's just me).

And I don't care how many options a person has....if you just spent the past year or two of your life with someone, it's pretty damn disrespectful in any capacity to be shacking up with someone else the next day or the next week.

Why would it be disrespectful? You make it sound like one should mourn the end of a relationship as if it were a death.

If you are the one on the receiving end of the dump, sure it's going to be a bit rough, but it isn't usually so for the person that's doing the dumping. They've usually already dealt with that before making the decision, now they just want to move on. I've been on both sides and the time I was the "dumper", I couldn't wait to get the hell out of that obligation.

 

[Jitterbug]

I frequently chat to women who reveal that they are still mourning the loss of some guy/B/f/ badass husband.
Just because a woman appears to have moved on by jumping into another guys arms does not mean that she is cold and callous and lacks the capacity to deeply feels the loss.

MY experience is that a loss of a significant relationship deeply scars women, often permanently. Relationships are their currency. A marriage or LTR which fails is as painful and damaging to most women as the sudden loss of a lifetime career would be to us.

The loss is especially damaging when the guy they lost eventually proved himself to be The Great Catch. From a dating column I read today:

Let me know if it is possible to forget someone.

I have a little scar on my neck left by the hot ash that fell from a joint that my man was smoking as I lay on his lap looking up lovingly into his eyes when I was 19. I am now 49. I left him when I was 21 and still don't know why, but I suspect it was because he was very driven and determined at the time and I was much younger than him, straight out of school and did not know what or who I was. He went on to become a legend in his field, I never smoked pot again after that night and he now lives ocean front, mega rich with his wife of 28 years and three lovely kids.

Me, well, three decades, three children, an ex husband and a good enough career later, and I still meet him every morning in the mirror when I see myself, and see the little white scar that reminds me, daily, of the only man I ever actually loved.

I don't think he was such a significant guy to her when they were in a relationship, but it's only when he became successful that she realised she actually dumped her Great Catch.

Quoting Pook in his "Endure!" post (my most favourite):

...

Endure. All your exes will have one thing in common: they want you to fail. The last thing they want is to run into you later and see you successful. No! They want to see you remain the same or sink lower.

Endure. All the girls that shot you down: they want you to fail. A big fear in woman is missing The Great Catch. Give substance to their fear.

...

The other day, I talked to this woman who has not got over her ex yet and is pissed off that he moved on too quickly (well, 4 months later isn't exactly quick in my book) and is dating someone else. I told her that if my ex (she knows her, and I just broke up with her a month ago) moves on quickly and finds some good guy, I'll be very happy for her. She was amazed. I explained: "What good does it do to me to see her suffer? I used to like her for a reason. Besides, if she moves on and is happy, she won't bother me anymore!"

That attitude of mine has always been a hard blow on the ego of my exes though.

 

[jophil28]

The loss is especially damaging when the guy they lost eventually proved himself to be The Great Catch.

That is why the best revenge is indeed, living well.

 

[jophil28]

dupe

 

[jophil28]

dupe

 

[vorbis]

If you have options, you would APPEAR to have moved on just as quickly.

Women are natural plate spinners so it may seem they are ruthless in moving on to the next chapter. Truth be told, she is just refilling the ego tank with the next readily available YES man.

No need to worry. Once her ego tank is full, she will drop him and call you.

Great call here. On Valentine's day my ex rang me twice. I ignored the calls and she texted me the following day. She was in Chicago on work, a place we'd been to together before and she said she was thinking about our time there together. I replied with some generic "yeah it was good" comment and she texted me again about it a few times.

I really have no desire to maintain contact with her but it sure helps rebuild the ego that she is trying to.

One last word about who dumped who. She literally beat me to the talk about breaking up by a day. Thats about as close to mutual as you're going to get.

And regards "mourning" a breakup, I don't really see a problem with this. I spent two years of my life with this girl and now its over. There is a sense of loss however bad it finished. I believe its healthier to acknowledge that rather than to say "hey it doesn't bother me one bit".

 

[STR8UP]

Why would it be disrespectful? You make it sound like one should mourn the end of a relationship as if it were a death.

I'm sorry, that was the sentimental sucker of a man in me talking again.

Seriously though.....if you can move on with someone else THAT quickly, you either have issues with being alone, or your prior relationship didn't really mean sh!t to you. With women, it's usually a little bit of both.

I don't think he was such a significant guy to her when they were in a relationship, but it's only when he became successful that she realised she actually dumped her Great Catch.

Not to toot my own horn here, but I am destined for greatness.

I've had my share of setbacks. I am currently pulling through the biggest one of my entire life. But I know I have some things a lot of people don't have, and I know that unless the grim reaper takes me soon (knock on wood), in a few years there will be quite a few women in out there who will second guess whatever it was that lead them away from me.