Is your ex really that great?

[WestCoaster]

A common theme here the past week -- heck, it's common all the time -- is how do I get my ex-gf back, and boy did I blow it. If I didn't blow it, she'd still be mine.

Which begs the question: Was she that great in the first place?

Back in my college AFC days many moons ago (and at times I succumb to AFCness now, thank God for this board to cyber-kick me in the nads and get my head on straight), I had a very average to below average gf for over a year. We broke up, got back together, blah, blah, blah. Did that song and dance a few times like all 20-year olds do. Thought I couldn't live without her.

Then the last time we broke up (she tried to get me back) I finally got fatigued with all that drama, moved on, started dating a stunning looking woman, and then started dating many women as in plural. Suddenly I was thinking: Wow, there are a lot of great women out there, and my ex-gf ain't that hot. These women are hotter, nicer, smartier, wittier, etc. ... and there's more where that came from!

Then a few years later got another serious gal, dated, talked marriage, had a so-called devesatating break-up, tried to reel her back in, got my nads kicked in (figuratively) by her, was in a funk for half a year, etc. Then I started dating again and realized, wow, these girls are smartier, prettier, wittier, etc., ... and there's more where that came from!

Get the picture? Obsessing over your ex-gf is a waste of time, a complete waste of time. Trying to get her back is a bigger waste of time.

It's all about perspective. If all you've lived in your whole life is some dinky town with one stoplight and no movie theatres and you think it's great (like many people who don't ever leave their hometown), that's because that's the only perspective you have. But take a trip to a city and suddenly there are major league sports, beautiful women, cultural events, etc., and your perspective changes.

Hey, maybe your ex-gf is all that, maybe she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. But before you crown her this distinction, at least get an alternative perspective. Find out what's good and what's not, it will do you a world of good.

 

[penkitten]

good post

 

[joekerr31]

excellent post.

many times i think someone becomes to us what we want them to become. so in these 'i want my ex back' scenarios, what people really want back is the chance that their fantasies might come true. and also to feel "valued", because often times we don't value ourselves - we always see our flaws, or how we aren't as good as others, or whatever.

it rarely ever has anything to do with the other person themselves, but rather the "role" they could fill.

i think back on all my break ups and at the time of the break up i always thought 'damn what a b*tch for screwing me over". Then when you look back years later when you are more mature you think "wow, thank God I didn't give in to her." not only that, i think back and see that she didn't even screw me over. she left because i wouldn't let her put my balls in a vice and take my manhood away.

even though part of me would like to have had a family by now, im glad ive dodged the bullets i have. because the only thing worse than NOT having a family is having one with an immature, self centered, narcissistic b*tch type of a woman.

relationships are about negotiating compromise and create an equal balance of power and respect. Once one person tries to pull that balance all to one side its over - which is always the case with the ex.

trying to get back with an ex is crazy. ultimately they will pull the same crap they did the first time. and even if YOU were the one who screwed up (say by cheating) she will never allow for a truly 50/50 balance in the relationship. because she will never truly trust you.

just move on is my motto.

J

 

[solace]

Great subject to cover and post.

What many who desire their exs do not realize is that they tend to "overly-romanticize" their memories with them. We tend make things out to be greater than what they actually were.

Again, was your ex really that great or are you putting aside those negative memories of her and just obssess over the good ones? Try honestly writing down the good memories of your ex and the bad memories. Which ones weigh out more? Remember those times when she got completely on your nerves.

Now, tear up the good list and concentrate more on the negative one. This will help you to remember why the relationship ended in the first place.
You will see that the relationship ended for a good reason. Finally, hide all memorabilia of your ex that is still easily accessible around your home and begin to move forward with your life.

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by solace
Finally, hide all memorabilia of your ex that is still easily accessible around your home and begin to move forward with your life.

What if she bought alot of stuff for your new house and it's still lying around?
Of course the pictures have been down but there's picture frames nice candle holders and stuff that we bought together. What should I do with it? I'm thinking it will only make me stronger if I leave it out!

Dam biotches,... can really make your life miserable, can't they!!!!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Roblb: What if she bought alot of stuff for your new house and it's still lying around?

You've gotta get rid of everything. Throw it or give it away.

 

[Immaculate]

Yes , she really was that great, I was just too young to make the right move and lost her.
what if there were NO bad memories, no fights, nothing... just happiness for 2 years ...only good memories... I have not one bad memory of that relationship...and then what... I gave her space cuz she was older than me .. but now I realize that 6 years is nothing but I gave her space long enough for another guy to get her. I would like to bash his face into a wall and crack his skull open.

good night

 

[WestCoaster]

Why bash his head in ...

... because he started dating an available woman? Will you please read the DJ Bible? No wonder she dumped you if that's your attitude.

Wow, you ended a relationship on a good note and the only memories are pleasant ones? Count your blessings ... now go out and meet more women and get rid of that freaking "oneitis."

Also, in the process could you please tear down that pedestal you have of her in your back yard ... and the one in your mind?

Quit idolizing people, it's a worthless exercise.

 

[stevera004]

What one really romanticizes is the passing of one's own youth; the nostalgia is buried regret at missed opportunities and lost time. Life continues.

 

[[o_0]]

**** the ex. you are not so lame to spend life with one woman. you get plenty of them and check what do yyou expect. then you get the one whos gonna be lucky to be your wife.

 

[Medic]

I haven't had any contact with my ex-wife for ten years. Saw a recent picture of her last summer while visiting my former mother-in-law and thought "Man, what happened to her?" Apparently the pedestal I had her on all went to her ass.

 

[solace]

Originally posted by Immaculate
Yes , she really was that great, I was just too young to make the right move and lost her.
what if there were NO bad memories, no fights, nothing... just happiness for 2 years ...only good memories... I have not one bad memory of that relationship...and then what... I gave her space cuz she was older than me .. but now I realize that 6 years is nothing but I gave her space long enough for another guy to get her. I would like to bash his face into a wall and crack his skull open.

good night

I don't think I have ever ran into or heard of any relationship where one part of the couple needed to be given space when every thing was going well. Seriously, who just up and give space to their partner? If things are going great with no negatives then it seems the proper amount of space already exists whether it was consciuosly given or not.


I probably will never ever know what went on in your case but it sounds like just what I stated in my last post...we make things out to be better than they actually were.

Just think about it. You gave space in a perfect relationship (you claim that "there were NO bad memories, no fights, nothing") but when you gave her space, she hooked up with another guy. Something was wrong here, man. She obviously didn't feel the same way about you as you did with her.

Dam biotches,... can really make your life miserable, can't they!!!!

If they are omnipotent, yes! If they are not omnipotent, we help them a whole bunch by doing things such as continuing to wear the sweater they bought us for Valentine's day, keeping a picture of her in our top drawer, and sleeping with the blanket that she knitted every night.

Get rid of the junk around the house that keeps her in your head or at least hide it somewhere. You will feel much better afterwards.

What one really romanticizes is the passing of one's own youth; the nostalgia is buried regret at missed opportunities and lost time. Life continues

???

Romanticizing passing of one's youth? I am not sure if I understand this one since most people seem not to look upon the passing of their youth in a romantic manner. A lot of people actually seem to think they they are not as attractive as they lose their youth. I assume that you meant the "mourning" of the passing of one's youth but I could be wrong.

Any way, mourning the passing of one's youth and and overly-romanticizing a failed relationship is not mutually exclusive. In fact, they often occur together for the mature, single men and women.

 

[WestCoaster]

Originally posted by solace
I don't think I have ever ran into or heard of any relationship where one part of the couple needed to be given space when every thing was going well. Seriously, who just up and give space to their partner? B]

Wiser words were never spoken. Exactly! If it's going so well, why would one person need space?

Why is everyone's ex-gf so grand on this board? Hey, if they dumped you, they're not that great, OK?!

 

[Ricky]

My ex seemed that great. She was very loving, went out of her way to make me happy, spent money on me, the sex was fantastic.

The only thing is, she is stuck. She won't leave her hometown. She doesn't have the courage I have. For this reason, she broke up with the best guy she'll ever date. She said she could move to be with me, it was her idea even. But she changed her mind. She is weak. But alot of people are, including me I have some weaknesses. It wasn't exactly easy for me to move across the country to where I knew noone, but I did it. It is a great career move. It doesn't have to be permanent.

Of course I was heartbroken. But you know what, this girl wasn't sure she wanted kids and she's getting older. I don't want a girl that is afraid of life. She is afraid of it alright.

So after 6 months why haven't I healed? Maybe it's because I know we had a great thing and I know under the right circumstances (which would only be me living in her hometown) we'd be back together. Right now I can't do it.

Maybe in the future. For this reason I keep in contact with her. Right now I want to meet the girl that will make me forget her forever. Let's see what happens.

As an aside, my ex of 3 years (different girl) has been calling all the time. She would marry me if I'd ask. I love her but we fought all the time.

As much as I want a wife and kids, i want it to be a good choice. I would probably be more willing to take a risk if the court system didn't screw guys over so much.

 

[Immaculate]

Re: Why bash his head in ...

Originally posted by WestCoaster
... because he started dating an available woman? Will you please read the DJ Bible? No wonder she dumped you if that's your attitude.

Wow, you ended a relationship on a good note and the only memories are pleasant ones? Count your blessings ... now go out and meet more women and get rid of that freaking "oneitis."

Also, in the process could you please tear down that pedestal you have of her in your back yard ... and the one in your mind?

Quit idolizing people, it's a worthless exercise.

I've already met tons of different women and gotten laid 1,000 times and read the bible and all that sh!t. Quite frankly I'm sick of it. Some things you will never fully get over unless you find a girl you fall in love with, which I haven't. I hope she gets cheated on, divorced and crawling back to me..Yes, for ripping my heart out, stomping on it, throwing it around and handing it back it me...yeah that's my ****ing attitude right now!!! I'd probably wouldn't even take her back at this point who the hell wants seconds...I bet this will happen one day... how many marriages last these days anyway? Yeah when she comes crawling back she'll get a few boinks and a kick on the ass so hard she flies to the curb facefirst. And I'm not "idolizing her" unless missing a girl is "idolizing" her.

 

[Immaculate]

Originally posted by solace
I don't think I have ever ran into or heard of any relationship where one part of the couple needed to be given space when every thing was going well. Seriously, who just up and give space to their partner? If things are going great with no negatives then it seems the proper amount of space already exists whether it was consciuosly given or not.


I probably will never ever know what went on in your case but it sounds like just what I stated in my last post...we make things out to be better than they actually were.

Just think about it. You gave space in a perfect relationship (you claim that "there were NO bad memories, no fights, nothing") but when you gave her space, she hooked up with another guy. Something was wrong here, man. She obviously didn't feel the same way about you as you did with her.

Because she freaked me out! I wasn't even 20 years old yet and she's wanting a marriage commitment and talking about kids so I had to just step away for awhile... Instead of doing the proper thing and say "baby don't worry, I'll be there for you" I said "I'm not ready for that for at least 5 years".. well that sealed my fate and she obviously wasn't willing to wait that long.
That doesn't make sense?

 

[WestCoaster]

Remember ...

... she's not a "keeper" you are. YOU'RE the prize, not her. Get that into your head.

I've heard the term "keeper" here on this site and no way do you know that till way down the road. Women change. I can think of a few women in college I thought were keepers, only to see them years later as fat and bitter.

Don't slap the "keeper" label on anyone till way down the road.

 

[Immaculate]

This girl was a size 1 (or was it size 0 i dont remember)five years ago.. when we were dating... I wonder what she looks like now.

 

[Immaculate]

Re: Remember ...

Originally posted by WestCoaster
... she's not a "keeper" you are. YOU'RE the prize, not her. Get that into your head.

I've heard the term "keeper" here on this site and no way do you know that till way down the road. Women change. I can think of a few women in college I thought were keepers, only to see them years later as fat and bitter.

Don't slap the "keeper" label on anyone till way down the road.

Yeah, it's in my head. I know she picked the wrong guy. She picked a guy who was already divorced and had a 4 year old kid and she said she "loves" the kid so much and the kid loves her she's staying with the dude... I know she picked the wrong guy.. Stupid women... I KNOW she will regret this one day. she's what 35 now.. she did nothing with her life. I met her at College and she stopped going.. all she is now is probably a stay at home whatever... Yeah I'm sure she's so happy now that the"4 year old kid she loves so much" that isn't even HERS lol, has grown up and she realizes she has done jack crap with her life. And I did talk to her about 3 months ago on the phone after no contact for over 5 years. I called left a message and she called back in 20 min. No joke.

I asked her if she was married just wondering and I asked how long she said "one year"... So WTF? She lived with dude 5 years and finally got married? I don't think she is capable of having kids due to some defect... I vaguely remember her saying somethign about it... All she talked about was the guys kid and I think if she had a baby of her own she would have mentioned it.

I tell ya, the bastard that stole her from me struck gold. He found a beautiful woman, willing to take care of HIS freaking kid, and who (i think) can't have kids herself. HE hit the jackpot didn't he? I hope she really loves this guy and not just the kid or she's gonna be lookin back one day especially when the kid hits puberty and turns on her.

 

[WestCoaster]

You're freaking 26!

C'mon man, you're 26 and pining over a 35-year old?! Dude, the world is your toy box. You can date women from 18 to 30 (and older if you'd like).

Snap out of it, this woman isn't a keeper, isn't golden or whatever. Get over her and go check out the 21-year old hotties ... please, I'm begging you.

Your life is ahead of you, I suggest you don't waste your youth. Absolutely no reason in this world to get married before 30, have fun dating, hanging out with, sleeping with, traveling with, etc. young women. That's what you should be doing. I made a lot of dumb mistakes in my 20's (including dating similar older women who conned me), dont' do it -- it's a trap.

Sheesh, find the nearest college, go walking around between classes and see the beauties. Many of them could be yours.

Snap the freak out of it -- please!! Will you please read the "oneitis" post by Rollo that I posted here. Damn, snap out of it ... she's 35, good for me, not for you.

And please blow up that pedestal you have her in your back yard.