ChunLiKasumi
Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2011
- Messages
- 11
- Reaction score
- 0
The story is as follows: I have been dating a girl for the last 9 months. We've had conversations about what we would do if we were to get married, so things like where we would live, how many kids we would have, our finanaces and so far. While we've had some differences about where we would live (due to her living far from her workplace), and whether we would buy a house or condo, we generally are able to come to a compromise. Some things that I noticed about her is that she is really into supporting her parents in their old age, this is a culture thing and she was a little out of touch with what is reasonable and what was feasible. I discussed this with my father and I was able to list key issues that she would have to give up if she intended to go forward with her ideas. This was enough to bring her to be more in touch with reality.
My sibling introduced us, so we meet them every now and then for a gather. My sibling and spouse mentioned to me that they feel she has a very cold personality and that its hard to have a conversation with her and that she has poor social skills because she is too guarded. I've identified this as part of her upbringing as her parent is also very guarded. My sibbing has very good social skills and is a lawyer, so I don't doubt that the assessment's accuracy.
I had a talk with her regarding her poor social skills. I pointed out how its gotten her in trouble in the past (ie. her boss saying that its causing problems with team cohession). She responded by saying that she has to put in a lot of work to improve it, but I pointed out that her sibling doesn't have that problem and her parents consider her sibling to be less smart than she is. Her response is that their family think that her sibling is a bad child due to the sibling have an active social life and being very personable. She then mentioned that she does not care how people see her and that she would rather people leave her alone and not speak to her because it at least prevents them from taking advantage of her, which is what her father taught her.
I then mentioned that I know its hard to improve one's social skills because I was once an introvert, but she can't just give up and ignore it because we interact with people all the time and in the future, if we get married, we will be interacting with each other's families and that it would be very bad if my family has resentment towards her because they feel they she gives them the cold shoulder. She then says that she doesn't see why she needs to pander to family for their approval and that she would rather breakup with me than pander for their approval. She then burst out crying This lead to the current situation where she is thinking of whether she should continue with me.
I spent the next day thinking about what happened. I concluded that all of the things that I talked to her about were initially my concerns, but because I kept seeking the opinoins of my family, it eventually mutated into something that I didn't really care about. Things like my family approving of her, I don't really care about that, but just that my family convinced me that it was necessary. But the biggest thing here was that I hate people who try to control my life and that was what I was doing without realizing it. So I appologized to her the next day for being a hypocrite, I even appologized to her for trying to get her to try to improve her social skills and for trying to control her life, even though I don't think I was wrong for trying to get her to improve her social skills(I didn't say this though). I also promised to not push her into anything ever again and ask her for a second chance. She said she would think about it and mentioned that sometimes when someone says something hurt, it could take a long time for it to be forgotten. At the end of the day, I said, "Call me when you want to see me, otherwise take care of yourself."
This was 3 days ago. She has not contacted me and I have not contacted her. I see her on msn, but she doesn't contact me and I haven't contacted her either. Is it reasonable to wait for a full week and if she still doesn't contact me that its time to accept that its over?
ChunLiKasumi
My sibling introduced us, so we meet them every now and then for a gather. My sibling and spouse mentioned to me that they feel she has a very cold personality and that its hard to have a conversation with her and that she has poor social skills because she is too guarded. I've identified this as part of her upbringing as her parent is also very guarded. My sibbing has very good social skills and is a lawyer, so I don't doubt that the assessment's accuracy.
I had a talk with her regarding her poor social skills. I pointed out how its gotten her in trouble in the past (ie. her boss saying that its causing problems with team cohession). She responded by saying that she has to put in a lot of work to improve it, but I pointed out that her sibling doesn't have that problem and her parents consider her sibling to be less smart than she is. Her response is that their family think that her sibling is a bad child due to the sibling have an active social life and being very personable. She then mentioned that she does not care how people see her and that she would rather people leave her alone and not speak to her because it at least prevents them from taking advantage of her, which is what her father taught her.
I then mentioned that I know its hard to improve one's social skills because I was once an introvert, but she can't just give up and ignore it because we interact with people all the time and in the future, if we get married, we will be interacting with each other's families and that it would be very bad if my family has resentment towards her because they feel they she gives them the cold shoulder. She then says that she doesn't see why she needs to pander to family for their approval and that she would rather breakup with me than pander for their approval. She then burst out crying This lead to the current situation where she is thinking of whether she should continue with me.
I spent the next day thinking about what happened. I concluded that all of the things that I talked to her about were initially my concerns, but because I kept seeking the opinoins of my family, it eventually mutated into something that I didn't really care about. Things like my family approving of her, I don't really care about that, but just that my family convinced me that it was necessary. But the biggest thing here was that I hate people who try to control my life and that was what I was doing without realizing it. So I appologized to her the next day for being a hypocrite, I even appologized to her for trying to get her to try to improve her social skills and for trying to control her life, even though I don't think I was wrong for trying to get her to improve her social skills(I didn't say this though). I also promised to not push her into anything ever again and ask her for a second chance. She said she would think about it and mentioned that sometimes when someone says something hurt, it could take a long time for it to be forgotten. At the end of the day, I said, "Call me when you want to see me, otherwise take care of yourself."
This was 3 days ago. She has not contacted me and I have not contacted her. I see her on msn, but she doesn't contact me and I haven't contacted her either. Is it reasonable to wait for a full week and if she still doesn't contact me that its time to accept that its over?
ChunLiKasumi
