6stringer said:
The issue is, most likely, that she offered or meant something to you other irls haven't. Lets say she was just down to earth, or you felt very comfortable with her, or maybe she was just especially nurturing or whatever.. none of the other women have had that particular quality, or have made you like them as much. So your brain, when it needs that "thing"" it goes back to the last memory of having it- her.
Figure out what she gave you- real or imagined- that the others have not and you'll help yourself get over it.
For example, my last ltr was with a woman I considered marrying. Even though I left her, and have had many women since- enough to forget their names, she pops up every once in a while and its because I haven't felt any are really marriage material.
Its not about her, its about what she represented to you. Figure that out and whenever she pops into your mind, you'l simply see it as a representation of that thing instead.
Worth thinking about, at least....
So far tonight after truly thinking about it I believe I have come up with a few things that I believe were voids that she filled in me and things that she represented that no other woman in my life have ever represented, which contribute to the continuation and perpetuation of the memory of her.
1] Narcissistic Supply
This I believe is the main one.
I think that throughout the relationship one of the number one reasons why I was drawn to her and loved her deeply was because she had such an admiration for me. An admiration that I never received from my parents. I could safely say that this lack of admiration from my parents is most definitely the main reason for my narcissism. Well she showered me with admiration. She wanted me to teach her things because she was extremely "naive". She always told me I was brilliant and that just being around me changed her life, and her perspective on existence.
It was almost like a teacher/student dynamic between me and her. She was always looking up to me for advice and wisdom. This feed my narcissistic need for greatness VASTLY. Not only that but she was at the beginning of our relationship semi suicidal, because she was sort of depressed, and I got her help and she consistently thanked me over and over again through the relationship, which I guess made me develop a saviour-complex towards her (more egoistic supply)
Clearly I have not found a new source to feed that egoistic need. I believe a more realistic healthy solution would be to get rid of my narcissism. Deal with the fact that I don't NEED admiration.
2] Marriage consideration
Up until I was 15 I was naive about my family. I thought I lived in a perfect household and never had any issues. Then suddenly my dad divorced my mom and moved to a different city with this other chick. I had a lot of anger towards him and started resenting marriage ALOT. (I resent it now as well but for WAY different reasons, the right reasons).
Anyways. When she came along she was the first and only girl that I ever considered marriage with (back in my AFC days). She took my whole notion of "marriage is flawed and bound to end up in ruin" (which I got from the representation of my parents marriage) and turned it into something that I would actually be up for. Changing the fabric of the paradigm/filter I had for my own parents is HUGE. Clearly, by doing this, she had a major impact on my psyche which most definitely left an imprint.
I so far have not been able to find another girl that has been able to have that ability. And I suppose whenever I think about my parents and their marriage, she is always in the periphery of those thoughts, acting as almost the bandaid to it. I don't know if that makes sense.
3] The crumbling of my family
After my parents divorced I realized that My parents weren't all what I had made them up to be. I realized my my dad was never a strong male figure in my life, and my mom was overbearing, and erratic (she actually has mental issues).
I started realizing that Im sort of in this life on my own and it scared the sh1t out of me when I realized that.
Well my ex came along and her family was very similar to mine.
We worked together and pushed each other to become better people, and worked on self improving each other. We acted almost as parents to each other, the ones which we lacked at that given time. So we helped each other out of the rough and used each other as crutches.
So now every time Im in that state of perpetual betterment, which is always, because that is the path I have chosen to be on, she is also in the periphery of my mind, because we jumped on the path together in a time of turmoil. And she represents a little part of self-improvement in the fabric of my psyche i suppose.
Let me know if these three make any coherent sense. Do they correlate?
Im sure there are a lot of other beneath the surface dynamics at play here but I assume that these are the most prominent ones.
Would you guys be able to help me figure out some ways to deal with these? So I can move past her, and actually stop thinking about her so often?
