Is there any future in this or have I blown it?

london99

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2 months ago I went on a 3 week holiday with 3 others that I’ve known for 10 years. One of the girls had split up with her boyfriend 2 months before (she had bought a house with him etc and had been seeing him 3 years). I wasn't massively into her before I went away – mainly because she was a good friend and she has always has a boyfriend since I’ve known her first someone for 6 years and then last one for 3 years.

I live 3 hours away so we didn’t really see each other much since college. On holiday we kind of got on well and kissed a few times, my housemate who is also a good friend of hers kind of got in the way, (I think she fancies me although they both told me different.) Anyway this sort of stopped us getting together for a while. She snogged someone at a nightclub on holiday, but didn’t see him again saying she didn’t really like him. I pulled a girl that night and spent the next 3 nights with her.

We had a chat while pissed on the last day and kissed again. We both agreed that we really liked each other and talked about getting together when we got back. To be fair she did say then that she thought it was a risk – and not to take it like she didn’t like me but that she was still a bit confused / messed up over her break up. I told her to think about it.

Anyway when we got back we texted each other a lot and I spoke to her a few times on the phone. We arranged for me to go up and see her. I went 2 weeks ago for the whole weekend. Had a really good weekend I thought it had gone well. I think I made a few mistakes I slept with her both nights Friday & Sat but didn’t shag her just cuddling & kissing.

She texted me after saying did I get home OK etc. She sent me a text on Monday asking how I was - I replied that I was OK but would miss not seeing her for a while (She didn’t reply - think text was a mistake) She phoned me next day and said it was too soon after her last boyfriend. She says she really likes me but thought it would be easy and she could take it slow but as we would be seeing each other over weekends it would be very hard to take it slow. She said her head was a mess but if she was ready for a boyfriend it would probably be with me. And that she really likes me.

I haven’t spoke to her since she phoned. I texted her immediately after an asked whether she was sure – she said ‘she liked me too much and that she had such a nice weekend and that I needed someone that would give me there all and she couldn’t do that right now. I didn’t contact her for 3 days - then she texted me asking whether I had forgiven her I said “nothing to forgive you for, just think your being stupid”. She said it would be stupid to get into something she is not yet ready for. I left another 4 days and she sent me a text saying ‘how are you love’ etc

Main help required is whether I can proactively do anything or just do nothing and what will be will be. I.e. If the best thing is not to phone, contact her myself but let her phone me (if at all) and then be pleasant and not act gutted then. I know its over with her last boyfriend – she split up from him and also moved away from where they lived. I have looked for similar posts and although there are some would appreciate help on this. She is a nice girl, pretty with a good job (Doctor) – does it look like I’ve blown it? I haven’t been in contact for about 5 days.
 

Austin Allegro

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Welcome London. Good to have some more Brits on here. Let me start with a quote from your post:

'it was too soon after her last boyfriend. She says she really likes me but thought it would be easy and she could take it slow but as we would be seeing each other over weekends it would be very hard to take it slow. She said her head was a mess but if she was ready for a boyfriend it would probably be with me. And that she really likes me. '

All this suggests to me she has low interest level. 'Taking it slower' 'not ready for a boyfriend' and that 'you need someone who can give you their all' are all classic ******** for 'not really interested'. Also, her saying 'her head was a mess' is a bad sign, this is either a brush off, or a genuine statement that she is a bit loopy.

You need to avoid oneitis with this woman. My personal advice would be to next her, but if you're really unsure, keep seeing her as well as other women, but keep pushing your agenda - you must not let her see you as a 'friend' etc. If she continues to be standoffish then you must next her.
 

CONAN

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Yup, Totally agree,
You are no challenge mate, in her pocket,
Dont call, dont text, if she calls you keep the conversation short like you are in a hurry to do be somewhere else.
Just my opinion of course, feel free to ignore it!
C
 

JustDoItAlways

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Do not take what women say literally.

She backed off after the week-end because 1. You didn't put a real move on her on the week-end and 2. Because your lack of enthusiam in your talks, SMS's after the week-end just reinforced in her mind that you were more or less continuing to reject her.

Women will use a defence mechanism of pre-rejecting you in advance if they think that you are not interested in them and will soon move on.

In fact, it is more of a test. She doesn't want to reject you, she just wants you to step up to the plate. She wants you to say, "why are you doing this, I thought we really had something worth pursuing, I really like you." Then she breaks down crying and says "I really like you too, I just thought you weren't interested."

Doesn't make a lot of sense to us. Guys wouldn't do this but women often do.

Her communications to you since are practically begging for you to STEP UP THE PLATE. (Oh sorry, you're from the UK, "get on the football field" then.)

You are blowing it but you haven't blown it.

On the other hand, she's 3 hours away. That's too far for me.
 

london99

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To Call or not?

Thing was I did say things like

"Your making a mistake - It would have been good"

to her when she phoned saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship.

She agreed but said she wasn't ready yet.

The bit about if I wanted a bf now it would be you - totally threw me.

also texted saying

"are you sure you've made right decision."

Stupid thing is she kind of pushed it in the first place but I did later let her know I liked her. She told her best friend (friend of mine as well) & mum about me. Also went to the pub with her dad & her over the weekend - who Ive never met before (because he needed to sort something out with her house.)

Not sure whether to phone her or just let her contact me. I think I might have shown I was too keen. Anyway Im not going to let it get to me


:D
 

Austin Allegro

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You need to make it clear to women that you like them but without coming across as needy or desperate.

You have copped off with this woman so she knows you are at least moderately interested. Add to that the fact that you texted her saying you were interested.

Now, if a woman likes you, it is down to her to at least show SOME signs she is interested. She's copped off with you so she's not crippled with shyness.

Yet she is still coming out with bizarre ******** like 'if I wanted a bf now it would be you'.

This sounds to me like major disinterest.

You have three options.

1. Pine after her like an AFC, sending her more texts etc.
2. Next her and go after other women
3. Go after other women but keep this one on the 'back burner' by making a couple of cool approaches to guage interest.

I personally would recommend option 3. Some of the more ruthless DJs would go for option 2. Option 1 is on a par with rubbing fish paste on your balls and going swimming in a shark tank.
 

london99

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Yeah reckon you right. Her comments are total bollox when you think about it. No point in trying to decipher them. Shame though as she is a nice girl!

What would be a cool approach in you opinion?
 

Austin Allegro

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Anything non-needy. Just a call to suggest a drink with her 'as friends' or invite her to a group outing.

If she really DOES want to take things slow she shouldn't have a problem with this.

Personally though I wouldn't bother, in my experience girls will always make a bit of effort if they like you (meeting up with you, taking your hand/arm, touching you, suggesting you come in for a drink etc) and at the very least will keep silent rather than trying to put you off with stuff about not being ready for relationships etcc.
 

london99

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"and at the very least will keep silent rather than trying to put you off with stuff about not being ready for relationships etc"

She said all the stuff about not being ready when she first phoned up and a couple of texts the day after. I went quiet on her and she texted me saying 'Hows it going love "etc

She hasnt been in touch for a while now so she has kind of gone quiet on me. Keep thinking I should show my interest more.

Difficult to keep myself in the picture as she lives a distance away - Just want to make sure that chasing will definetly not get me anywhere?
 
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