JST8828
Don Juan
Met on a dating app (both in our mid 30's) and went on what I can only describe briefly as a very nice first (coffee) date. For the full 2.5 hours she was fun, friendly, mature, attractive and all the good stuff that I'm looking for at this point in my life. The only "red flag" that was obvious at the time was her backstory, that being that just 4.5 months ago she found out that her BF of 2.5 years had been cheating on her. Now at the time, they were living on the west coast after she had left her life on the east coast behind to move with him for his job. The move to the west coast came only 6 months into their relationship. I don't know all the details about the breakup, but she told me after she found out about the cheating she was done and subsequently moved back to the east coast in July after taking "almost 2 months" to pack and get a place set up back east.
So we went on a second date, set up by a single text from me, even though we had talked about a second date towards the end of our first and she was completely game. We went for a walk around a park and things seemed to be going as well as they had been just a few days earlier on our first date. We were laughing together, talking, and just trying to get to know each other, even if in that typical semi-awkward second date way. My game may not have been as tight as the first date, but I had my moments and I don't think any of that mattered. We then settle on a small little restaurant to get dinner. At this time things are still going well, and nothing drastic or strange is talked about, no random move by me was made that would lead to what happened next..
In what I can only describe as a shocking turn of events, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, about 15 minutes or so into this sit down at this restaurant, the conversation seemed to fizzle hard. This however had NOTHING to do with me. Something strange was happening. She clearly wasn't as vocal, wasn't bringing up anything to chat about, and more importantly and notably was not responding to me in the same ways she had been previously. Finally, the cat seemed to come out of the bag, so to speak. After getting into it somehow, I forget if we were talking about dating apps or dating in general, she began to explain how she might not be ready after all to date and even though in her head she absolutely wants a relationship and family one day, right now she's still getting over a "traumatic" event that happened to her with her ex and is going to have a hard time trusting anyone for a while, etc. Fishing even more to see exactly what was going on, I explained to her how I respect her feelings, think she's great and would move slow for her while getting to know her, but the reality is I'm looking for a relationship so I really only want to date someone who's, well, ready to at least actually date. There was no real reciprocation from her about actually being into me, actually wanting to see me again, or anything like that. This was as close to a full fledged 'I'm not ready to date again' moment as it got. It should be noted that she told me when she moved back to the East coast in July she got on the apps but never went out, even going as far as to at the last minute canceling one date she had set. She only started actually dating again about 2 months ago.
Finally, even though I was civil and understanding, after a final comment from her about how me and her might be "Looking for different things" right now, I said "Well on that note....", and proceeded to put my jacket on and get ready to go. We both had to go to the same train station where we walked back together for almost 15 minutes, at which point we playfully talked about everything that was just dropped on me at dinner. All I can describe about this walk back was the obvious that I was feeling, which is regardless of how damaged this girl might be, the reality is I was being blown off, and if she was truly into me in some way, she would have found a way to bottle up these feelings of hers. An awkward hug goodbye and off we went our separate ways.
So what happened here exactly, in your opinions?
In my opinion I think it's rather simple, but I could be wrong- We went on a first date for coffee which while nice really means next to nothing. A front was put up by a damaged woman and by the time we got to that dinner on our second date and things felt like a real legitimate date with two people having dinner, feelings of her ex suddenly swarmed over her and she shut down. Her having a nice time with me before that or her thinking I was a nice guy didn't mean anything compared to the 2.5 years she put in with her ex who clearly still holds the "high score" in her heart at this time, cheater or not, and short of a Brad Pitt finance bro coming along and sweeping her off her feet, she's likely not going to go forward with anyone right now. There was never any actual mention of whether we'd ever see each other again or anything like that, but I almost feel like it was just subtly understood that this was probably the end. We have not texted each other since saying goodbye.
So we went on a second date, set up by a single text from me, even though we had talked about a second date towards the end of our first and she was completely game. We went for a walk around a park and things seemed to be going as well as they had been just a few days earlier on our first date. We were laughing together, talking, and just trying to get to know each other, even if in that typical semi-awkward second date way. My game may not have been as tight as the first date, but I had my moments and I don't think any of that mattered. We then settle on a small little restaurant to get dinner. At this time things are still going well, and nothing drastic or strange is talked about, no random move by me was made that would lead to what happened next..
In what I can only describe as a shocking turn of events, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, about 15 minutes or so into this sit down at this restaurant, the conversation seemed to fizzle hard. This however had NOTHING to do with me. Something strange was happening. She clearly wasn't as vocal, wasn't bringing up anything to chat about, and more importantly and notably was not responding to me in the same ways she had been previously. Finally, the cat seemed to come out of the bag, so to speak. After getting into it somehow, I forget if we were talking about dating apps or dating in general, she began to explain how she might not be ready after all to date and even though in her head she absolutely wants a relationship and family one day, right now she's still getting over a "traumatic" event that happened to her with her ex and is going to have a hard time trusting anyone for a while, etc. Fishing even more to see exactly what was going on, I explained to her how I respect her feelings, think she's great and would move slow for her while getting to know her, but the reality is I'm looking for a relationship so I really only want to date someone who's, well, ready to at least actually date. There was no real reciprocation from her about actually being into me, actually wanting to see me again, or anything like that. This was as close to a full fledged 'I'm not ready to date again' moment as it got. It should be noted that she told me when she moved back to the East coast in July she got on the apps but never went out, even going as far as to at the last minute canceling one date she had set. She only started actually dating again about 2 months ago.
Finally, even though I was civil and understanding, after a final comment from her about how me and her might be "Looking for different things" right now, I said "Well on that note....", and proceeded to put my jacket on and get ready to go. We both had to go to the same train station where we walked back together for almost 15 minutes, at which point we playfully talked about everything that was just dropped on me at dinner. All I can describe about this walk back was the obvious that I was feeling, which is regardless of how damaged this girl might be, the reality is I was being blown off, and if she was truly into me in some way, she would have found a way to bottle up these feelings of hers. An awkward hug goodbye and off we went our separate ways.
So what happened here exactly, in your opinions?
In my opinion I think it's rather simple, but I could be wrong- We went on a first date for coffee which while nice really means next to nothing. A front was put up by a damaged woman and by the time we got to that dinner on our second date and things felt like a real legitimate date with two people having dinner, feelings of her ex suddenly swarmed over her and she shut down. Her having a nice time with me before that or her thinking I was a nice guy didn't mean anything compared to the 2.5 years she put in with her ex who clearly still holds the "high score" in her heart at this time, cheater or not, and short of a Brad Pitt finance bro coming along and sweeping her off her feet, she's likely not going to go forward with anyone right now. There was never any actual mention of whether we'd ever see each other again or anything like that, but I almost feel like it was just subtly understood that this was probably the end. We have not texted each other since saying goodbye.
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