Is she too emotionally damaged to date right now or was it more than that?

[Gamisch]

Met on a dating app (both in our mid 30's) and went on what I can only describe briefly as a very nice first (coffee) date. For the full 2.5 hours she was fun, friendly, mature, attractive and all the good stuff that I'm looking for at this point in my life. The only "red flag" that was obvious at the time was her backstory, that being that just 4.5 months ago she found out that her BF of 2.5 years had been cheating on her. Now at the time, they were living on the west coast after she had left her life on the east coast behind to move with him for his job. The move to the west coast came only 6 months into their relationship. I don't know all the details about the breakup, but she told me after she found out about the cheating she was done and subsequently moved back to the east coast in July after taking "almost 2 months" to pack and get a place set up back east.

So we went on a second date, set up by a single text from me, even though we had talked about a second date towards the end of our first and she was completely game. We went for a walk around a park and things seemed to be going as well as they had been just a few days earlier on our first date. We were laughing together, talking, and just trying to get to know each other, even if in that typical semi-awkward second date way. My game may not have been as tight as the first date, but I had my moments and I don't think any of that mattered. We then settle on a small little restaurant to get dinner. At this time things are still going well, and nothing drastic or strange is talked about, no random move by me was made that would lead to what happened next..

In what I can only describe as a shocking turn of events, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, about 15 minutes or so into this sit down at this restaurant, the conversation seemed to fizzle hard. This however had NOTHING to do with me. Something strange was happening. She clearly wasn't as vocal, wasn't bringing up anything to chat about, and more importantly and notably was not responding to me in the same ways she had been previously. Finally, the cat seemed to come out of the bag, so to speak. After getting into it somehow, I forget if we were talking about dating apps or dating in general, she began to explain how she might not be ready after all to date and even though in her head she absolutely wants a relationship and family one day, right now she's still getting over a "traumatic" event that happened to her with her ex and is going to have a hard time trusting anyone for a while, etc. Fishing even more to see exactly what was going on, I explained to her how I respect her feelings, think she's great and would move slow for her while getting to know her, but the reality is I'm looking for a relationship so I really only want to date someone who's, well, ready to at least actually date. There was no real reciprocation from her about actually being into me, actually wanting to see me again, or anything like that. This was as close to a full fledged 'I'm not ready to date again' moment as it got. It should be noted that she told me when she moved back to the East coast in July she got on the apps but never went out, even going as far as to at the last minute canceling one date she had set. She only started actually dating again about 2 months ago.

Finally, even though I was civil and understanding, after a final comment from her about how me and her might be "Looking for different things" right now, I said "Well on that note....", and proceeded to put my jacket on and get ready to go. We both had to go to the same train station where we walked back together for almost 15 minutes, at which point we playfully talked about everything that was just dropped on me at dinner. All I can describe about this walk back was the obvious that I was feeling, which is regardless of how damaged this girl might be, the reality is I was being blown off, and if she was truly into me in some way, she would have found a way to bottle up these feelings of hers. An awkward hug goodbye and off we went our separate ways.

So what happened here exactly, in your opinions?

In my opinion I think it's rather simple, but I could be wrong- We went on a first date for coffee which while nice really means next to nothing. A front was put up by a damaged woman and by the time we got to that dinner on our second date and things felt like a real legitimate date with two people having dinner, feelings of her ex suddenly swarmed over her and she shut down. Her having a nice time with me before that or her thinking I was a nice guy didn't mean anything compared to the 2.5 years she put in with her ex who clearly still holds the "high score" in her heart at this time, cheater or not, and short of a Brad Pitt finance bro coming along and sweeping her off her feet, she's likely not going to go forward with anyone right now. There was never any actual mention of whether we'd ever see each other again or anything like that, but I almost feel like it was just subtly understood that this was probably the end. We have not texted each other since saying goodbye.

Lot went wrong bro.

Mid 30,s, means you better start learning about game. I dont have time to respond in depth now, but let me summarize it as good as possible;

Any woman you meet through OLD = a lost case ,period. On top of that she's clearly being Alpha widowed.

And why do you believe her words? She should've been used for recreational purposes only , but here you are playing captain save a h0e saying .."she is all your looking for at this stage of your life".

Imagine she having a lot of fun with her ex, her ex being very fit, making her emotions a roller coaster, and then this boring guy comes along with boring dates to talk about life, of course he won't fit, now or never.

At some point a man must obtain the dark traits needed to be ruthless in life. Any woman, false friend, even news broadcast might be the final straw that broke the camel's back '.

 

[Glassguy]

I explained to her how I respect her feelings, think she's great and would move slow for her while getting to know her, but the reality is I'm looking for a relationship so I really only want to date someone who's, well, ready to at least actually date.

Even if this is how I thought, I would NEVER tell a woman this. Establishing a relationship is the chick's job. If I am asked what I am looking for, I simply tell them "I am recently single and enjoying the dating life (shows I have options). If something developed with an awesome chick (meaning she needs to start putting effort into seeing me to be that chick) then so be it (meaning I am fine dating plenty of people if things doesnt work out with her) ".

This is what she heard when you said that: "This guy doesnt have many options or NO options and is looking to wife up the first woman that shows decent interest in him".....

That scared her off.
To top of off, this chick has some issues and feelings to navigate before she is ready to move forward with anyone. So you are looking for different things, just never tell a chick that you are looking for a relationship. Like ever.

she's likely not going to go forward with anyone right now

No, she is likely to go forward with someone who makes her earn his time.

even going as far as to at the last minute canceling one date she had set. She only started actually dating again about 2 months ago.

So she can be a flake. And a person only stays lingering in a past relationship for as long as they want themselves to be.

I probably would have just invited her back to my place to smash at the end, just to show that I have confidence and dont really care. Just because she isnt ready to date you doesnt me she doesnt need d!cked down. If she says no, who cares at that point?

 

[johnrambo]

The only "red flag" that was obvious at the time was her backstory, that being that just 4.5 months ago she found out that her BF of 2.5 years had been cheating on her. Now at the time, they were living on the west coast after she had left her life on the east coast behind to move with him for his job. The move to the west coast came only 6 months into their relationship.

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I went out with someone like that for a few months. It didn't work out....always thinking about ex...didn't want to move and uproot to a new location in the first place. Always sad and depressed.

 

[soulforge]

Careful with this nugget, you have to covertly put it in her mind through various conversations. Once it’s overt or obvious, the game is over and they move on

Only a retard would make it obvious that he will bang other chicks.

 

[The Duke]

Only a retard would make it obvious that he will bang other chicks.

We do have a few retards on this forum! Hahaha There are a few that might take that literally.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Careful with this nugget, you have to covertly put it in her mind through various conversations. Once it’s overt or obvious, the game is over and they move on

It's not cheating on them if you aren't exclusive. OP was several steps away from that except in his own mind.

Anytime a woman asks me how many other women I am seeing I tell them "somewhere between 0 and 100" and laugh. They always assume it's not 0, which works in your favor. Them not knowing, but assuming you are seeing others is almost always a good thing up to a certain point.

 

[Bokanovsky]

So what happened here exactly, in your opinions?

The same thing that happened to countless men before you. She used you for attention/validation. Nothing you can do about it. Happens to everyone. Hopefully you asked for two separate bills at the end of that dinner.

 

[member162951]

In what I can only describe as a shocking turn of events, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, about 15 minutes or so into this sit down at this restaurant, the conversation seemed to fizzle hard. This however had NOTHING to do with me. Something strange was happening. She clearly wasn't as vocal, wasn't bringing up anything to chat about, and more importantly and notably was not responding to me in the same way.

Don't mean to burst your bubble mate but how do you know it had nothing to do with you?

In early stages, female nature can be so changeable (okay fickle), the slightest thing - a mispronounced word, a joke or reference to something, anything really - and they (their feelings) can change on a dime, go from hot to cold in two seconds flat, or less!

It's not always about the ex, or her being an "alpha widow." Or because you didn't escalate sexually fast enough.

And if she were only seeking attention/validation why the sudden shut down when right before it, things were going so well? Women don't typically shut down like that when they're in the midst of receiving such attention and validation. They want to keep that going!

Do you recall what you were talking about right before she shut down? Don't rule out the possibility you said something or made what you considered to be an insignificant comment or gesture that turned her completely off.

It's a possibility anyway.

It can go the other way too, meaning an otherwise insignificant comment can turn her ON. Which obviously didn't happen here, just sayin it can happen.

Bottom line, you can analyze this until hell freezes over but you will never know what happened, why she shut down, lost interest so let it go man.

When you have options and abundance this should be nothing more than a small blip. Next.

 

[Tilex]

But that's besides the point with Alpha widows, bc they will push away 99% of men, even good qualified men, until they're completely over the situation with 3 cats at home which is potentially years away.

You mean 3 Dogs.
Cat women don't exist between the Millennial/iGen generation.
It's a 2 generation old myth.

I know it's all semantics, but women ages 40 & under ALL get Dogs.
Why you say?
Because Dogs spoil the fvck out of women with attention.
They cannot get that from a cat.

 

[Bigpapa]

You mean 3 Dogs.
Cat women don't exist between the Millennial/iGen generation.
It's a 2 generation old myth.

I know it's all semantics, but women ages 40 & under ALL get Dogs.
Why you say?
Because Dogs spoil the fvck out of women with attention.
They cannot get that from a cat.

Bimbos ( sl8ts) have the small dogs, while the emotionally destroyed ones have the big and/or dangerous ones

Girls with pitbulls for example in a vast majority of cases are f8cked up for good