Is she having doubts or is she just more comfortable?

[Kailex]

Jesus... STOP TALKING TO HER.
If she broke up with you, conserve whatever is left of your dignity and EXIT: STAGE LEFT.

It's done for, there's no reason to keep talking to her.

I'm not as bad as I thought I would be. I'm obviously gutted and think I am mostly dealing with emotions concerning rejection.

And this is why NEXT TIME, you need to play it the way you played it in the beginning. In less than 3 months, see what happened, what transpired?

But I think I was more attracted to the idea of this girl, not the actual girl. I saw many red flags/didn't like things about her. My 'family member' also asked me whether I saw myself spending the rest of my life with her, and I said no.

Well then realize that... own it, and MOVE ON.

What also makes me worry is the fact that it has taken about 1.5 years since my last long-term girlfriend (3.5years) to find a girl who has been worth getting into a relationship with/reciprocates that feeling. I've been with various girls in this time, but never been in a proper relationship since this one that has just ended!

Why are you looking for LTR's?
Screw those. Enjoy your young life, go out with many women, enjoy the company of many... why does it worry you that it's taken that long to find someone that reciprocated a FALSE FEELING.

If I were you, I would avoid these PROPER relationships and just go out with as many women as possible. See what getting into an LTR TOO quick gets you? You thought she was great, ideal, amazing... BLAH BLAH BLAH and what happened? It blew up in your face.

Never, EVER again do I want to see you posting on here that you met a girl and two months later, she's your LTR. You're supposed to be and REMAIN a challenge. Do just that.

Also, after a few txts going back and forth, she said she does like me and doesn't regret a thing. She has admitted she has many problems that she has to deal with on her own, and thanked me for my support with them. She also said I deserve much better, better than what she could offer

Womanspeeke Translation:

"I don't really like you anymore and if I could erase those three months, I would, but it's okay, I already have found someone else to fill your void who is much more manlier and willing to NOT be available for me all the time. He's mysterious and keeps me on my toes. I don't really have issues to deal with on my own, the only issue I had to really deal with was YOU. Thank you for being there and being the shoulder to lean on. You don't really deserve better than me, because there is no such thing, but good luck being a chump with another girl in the future. Maybe I'll keep texting you in hopes of keeping you strung along in case the other three guys I have in line, don't work out. So, please, don't date anyone else, stick around and maybe we can try again if all else fails... FOR ME."

 

[bitteorca]

Womanspeeke Translation:

"I don't really like you anymore and if I could erase those three months, I would, but it's okay, I already have found someone else to fill your void who is much more manlier and willing to NOT be available for me all the time. He's mysterious and keeps me on my toes. I don't really have issues to deal with on my own, the only issue I had to really deal with was YOU. Thank you for being there and being the shoulder to lean on. You don't really deserve better than me, because there is no such thing, but good luck being a chump with another girl in the future. Maybe I'll keep texting you in hopes of keeping you strung along in case the other three guys I have in line, don't work out. So, please, don't date anyone else, stick around and maybe we can try again if all else fails... FOR ME."

Although I agree about everything else you have said in that post, I don't think I agree with this. And not because I just don't want to, I have obviously thought about it, but just because I see it as overly critical and paranoid, especially about other guys being involved. The one thing I noticed when she told me about her past that she was happy being single, and didn't need male attention all the time. No doubt she'll be looking for something more suitable now, but I don't think she would have done this whilst with me...but I suppose I'll never know, nor will anyone else apart from her, but more importantly I suppose it doesn't really matter. I do think that the main reason she broke up with me is the ones that she said. She had bought this up previously and it was obviously troubling her. Imagine if you were going out with a girl that said they still loved their ex? ...F*CK THAT! I'm surprised she even had to battle with this in her mind! And she does have issues with all her problems, that isn't a lie either...she recently filled in a form to be sent to a psychologist. I refuse to be critial about that. But, although it sounds terrible and I would have been willing to deal with this, I have to admit that this is also a red flag. A massive one in-fact.

But I do agree with you. Why do I need a LTR? That is the main problem here. I feel like I need someone to validate me. Seeking out validation externally, mainly from women, when really I should be validated inside, by myself. And yeah, I need to take more time next time, make sure I am completely sure of it. I kind of went through the motions with this one to 'secure' her. Like I said, its more about the idea of being in a relationship than being in a relationship with this particular girl

 

[LuisGarcia10]

the ex girlfriend stuff will have nothing to do with it- if that was an issue you would have heard jealous stuff before it got to this stage- it's an easy way out, to make her feel less guilty and to try to blame it on you.
My ex suggested i was actively on a dating website when she split up with me, complete bull****, just an excuse.
there's plenty more out there mate, like i said to you, the signs were identical to mine.
just consider it filtration, at the end of the day do you want to spend your valuable free time on a girl like her? No, is the answer. I know it's not nice, and i still miss my ex, but it happens.
The best revenge is just to live life well, without her. it's her loss at the end of the day, not yours. Keep that in mind and you'll be fine. if you let it get to you then she wins.

 

[bitteorca]

the ex girlfriend stuff will have nothing to do with it- if that was an issue you would have heard jealous stuff before it got to this stage- it's an easy way out, to make her feel less guilty and to try to blame it on you.
My ex suggested i was actively on a dating website when she split up with me, complete bull****, just an excuse.
there's plenty more out there mate, like i said to you, the signs were identical to mine.
just consider it filtration, at the end of the day do you want to spend your valuable free time on a girl like her? No, is the answer. I know it's not nice, and i still miss my ex, but it happens.
The best revenge is just to live life well, without her. it's her loss at the end of the day, not yours. Keep that in mind and you'll be fine. if you let it get to you then she wins.

I don't think you can firmly say that. She had previously brought it up and had concerns about it. And she has admitted to bottling things up previously, on matters unrelated to our relationship, which shows she wouldn't neccessarily show jealousy and stuff. But when I think about it, she did show some jealousy when I got a message on facebook from a naked girl (turned out to be spam...DAMN! but she didn't know that, and showed signs. this was actually the first time she brought up another issue that she said contributed to the break up, the fact that when we had an argument I said I don't struggle to get other girls (in a context when we were arguing)).

I suppose the main point is that we don't know. Not anything against you guys, but the demographic on forums like this is naturally going to be people who have suffered from break-ups, possibly messy break-ups that have involved other guys, as they are seeking advice on a forum. I'm not discounting it, but I do actually doubt it. And I feel I have been realistic on most other fronts about this.

And about other girls, yeah I know there will be others out there. I just struggle to meet the right ones obviously! And I like you idea about filtration, that is right. Although I am sad, I don't seem to be thatttt bad. She had lots of bad points when I think about it (I'm going to make a list of them tomorrow!) and I don't think I would have been happy with her in the long-run when I am being honest with myself.

She just changed her relationship status on facebook - not to single, but listed as no longer in a relationship, and hidden from her profile. Strangely feels more real now.
I'll try to not let it get to me

 

[Tesl]

She also said I deserve much better, better than what she could offer

Hahaha .... then umm, congratulations!

You, my friend, have some inner game issues that need fixing.

 

[bitteorca]

I want to share my list of negative points about her/about the relationship/about our compatability, with you guys. Sharing things seems to make me feel better! They are in no particular order of importance as I just wrote them down from the top of my head:

- Issues with relationships with men (stemming from her problems as a child)

- Emotional baggage (related to above, but in a more general sense - loss of mother also)

- Always on facebook/phone

- Knows lots of guys (although she has a balanced mixture of guy friends and girl friends, I have to be true to myself and say that having equal guy friends bothers me)

- Watches **** TV! (doesn't sound big, but when you are chillaxing with them for a full night, it actually becomes a major negative, and shows signs that you are not similar anyway)

- No intellectual conversations (I am a clever, interesting and witty guy, but I feel I need someone who I bounce off of to be so. She certainly wasn't this person, although we did have some deep convos)

- Gets very drunk, and does this frequently (I think drinking and going out are a big part of her life. I feel that me being a bad/mean drunk became more prominent to her as a result - think she felt a bit unsafe going out with me)

- Probably flirts with guys (She is friendly, and I haven't listed untrustworthy on here because I think she would have been trustworthy. She seemed to have the right morals regarding cheating and exclusivity. However I just have a gut feeling that when a girl is friendly/likes to meet new people, it can be flirty. Sometimes they can even be niave about what the guys they are talking to actually want. I also list it as a probable as it is just a feeling, no hard facts)

- Swears a lot (....yeah)

- Comes from a rough area (didn't want to get snobby, but I have to be true to myself with this list. It was a red-flag. Without sounding up my own a$$, I am from a middle-class family/well educated, etc. I didn't see this as a massive problem, but like I say, needed to be true with my gut feelings of what were red flags here!)

- Family seemed quite rough (see above explanation!)

- Would have wanted to be in control (she showed indicators of this a few times, think I might have discussed them in this post somewhere)

- She isn't thatttt good looking (Although she was nice looking - I wouldn't have initially bothered otherwise - she wasn't stunning. Again, need to stay true even if I feel awful saying this, but saw a picture of her mum and didn't look that great. Also, she started putting on weight mid-relationship. But this might be due to her breaking her foot and not being mobile!)

- Humour doesn't match (although obviously I made her laugh, I just don't think in the long-run. I am dry witted. Not sure what to call her type of humour she is, but its not that)

- I was potentially embarrassed of her meeting friends (see 'drinks too much', 'possibly flirts with other guys', and 'swearing')

- Said she finished her ex-LTR various times (supposedly he would beg to get back with her after she called for a 'break' and would cry on the phone etc. She would take him back. But obviously this is related to the 'would have wanted to be in control' thing. Which relates to her emotional baggage. And also raises commitment issues when I think about it. Which relates to her childhood past....etc etc etc, see how complicated she is...)

- Music didn't match

- Questionable amount of fb friends (although she probably just uses facebook differently - adds/accepts adds from anyone and everyone - it still didn't make sense to me to bother having people who you may not even have met on there)

- Said she gets bored of people easy (dates guys and gets bored. This should have been a major red flag in my mind, but she countered it with the fact that it wouldn't be the same with me, that she saw potential, and the fact that she got into a proper relationship with me, which she only does if she feels it is right. Further proof that I probably messed this one up by no fault of my own, as the potential was there initially)

- She dumped me by text (lack of respect etcetc, needs little explanation, you know the deal! LTR material from this behaviour?

- Coward behaviour (see above, wouldn't even talk to me about it)

- No hobbies

- Loves to meet new people (which is fine, but look deeper into it and it could mean questionable LTR. Likes to form relationships with lots of people, etc)

- No real ambitions (her dream job is a bar manager?! Really?! I mean, I suppose that's fine, everyone is different and entitled to different ambitions, but did that kind of long-term ambition, which to me sounds like anyone could do, match my idea of the perfect gf?! She also said that this was because she loved to meet new people...)

- On a different intellectual level than me (again, feel a like a complete w*nker for saying it, but got to stay true to what I feel are negatives! Think I have touched upon before as well)




And thats it. It feels good to have written that down actually. Sorry for the long post, but felt I needed to do it

You don't have to even read it, I'm just glad I now have a source to come back to and re-read to remind myself (my original list didn't have explanations in brackets). And confirm that the problem here lies within myself, and my perceived need for a relationship, and obviously (as the list would suggest) not her

Also feel free to tell me how wrong this girl was for me haha. I mean these were her negatives that I need to focus on at the moment. She did have positives, I did like her at the end of the day! But maybe I should have accounted for these things on the list a bit more

 

[LuisGarcia10]

I'm not suggesting there's another guy involved, just that there will be more to it than just your ex. My ex had trust issues etc as well, I'm sure it played a part, but I just don't think it had a lot to do with the eventual break up, personally.

Most of the above characteristcs were the same for my ex as well, without the drinking and flirting stuff. Well, not that I knew about anyway.

 

[bitteorca]

Yeah, I mean she did say that the ex-gf thing was the biggest but also said that she didn't want a bf that was a bad drunk, and also mentioned the thing that I said to her about being able to get other girls easily (but said this in an argument, where it was perceived to be taken as a threat).

On a more general level, she also said she didn't see the relationship going anywhere, that the relationship wasn't working, and that she couldn't take the bickering anymore. Also mentioned her problems and her head being in a mess

Like I try to emphasise though in each post, I suppose no-one will ever know apart from herself. These reasons could all be BS. They could all be true. Half might be true. Half might be false. 70% might be false. She may be regretting the decision totally now. She may not give a flying f*ck... No-one knows. There's no point in trying to figure it out as it would essentially be guessing games, and will drive me crazy. I need to focus on how I feel now, hence the list

 

[LuisGarcia10]

The thing is, in my opinion, that when women lose attraction, they convince themselves of reasons to end it.
With my ex is was the fact that she needed to focus on a new job, needed to sell her house, etc etc. All valid reasons in themselves, but at the end of the day if she felt attracted to me as she did when we met, none of that would have mattered.
I'm not saying she's lying to you, but she thinks those are the reasons. You just need to look beyond it. Let me put it this way, if Brad Pitt was a bad drunk etc, do you think she'd leave him? No, because she would never get such an amazing opportunity again. The fact is she thinks she can find another guy like you easily. I don't mean to sound harsh here, and at the end of the day I have had the same thing happen to me. But in my opinion in life you learn from your mistakes, if you don't awknowledge them and just write the girl off as unstable, then you risk making them again. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she was a bit un-stable, and perhaps the way you acted, if you'd been with a different girl it wouldn't have caused the relationship to end, that's certainly how I feel about my ex, but, you have to awknowledge what you did wrong and avoid it in the future. If you do that, you can turn a giant waste of time into a decent learning process, and make you better equipped for the next girl.

 

[bitteorca]

I agree with you that she lost attraction, but I think she may have lost attraction due to my actions. And yes, this may have something to do with just this girl, but I think it has more to do with her tolerance/perseverance....I think you (as far as I can tell) are suggesting she lost physical attraction to me? I don't think this is the case personally, I wasn't batting above my league or anything like that. She even got a bit chubbier compared to when I first met her. She also said I looked a bit like one of her music idols who she fancies the pants off! I think however that I agree with you that she lost attraction to me (she dumped me after all!) but just think it was for the reasons she stated. I also don't think this was easy for her to decide upon, and she did say she liked me but...blah blah blah (reasons for her going off me)

On another point, it struck me today.....

I have previously talked about the whole problem here is my need for external validation, and thus a relationship. I cannot seem to validate myself inside. are posting on forums like this just an example of needing external validation and advice? If I was happy with myself would I not deal with this by myself and just get through it with time on my own?!

 

[LuisGarcia10]

I'm not suggesting for a second that you were batting above your league, I would consider myself better looking than my ex, for a start.
The point is that she lost attraction towards you, and that probably has a lot to do with you coming across as needy. At the end of the day you were worrying about her not liking you anymore, hence this thread. As others have said, if we can pick up on that from an online forum, then she can. And it pushes her away. She thinks you're reliant on her, can't find another girl easily etc, you even touched on that yourself that you were worried you wouldn't be able to find someone else. I'm not preaching, it's just I see a lot of similarities between you and myself, hence why I think I'm probably close to the truth.
Personally I come on websites like this to avoid making stupid mistakes, and to get a nudge in the right direction when I'm meeting a girl etc. Dunno how you translate it as self-validation etc, that's up to you. I enjoy meeting women, enjoy sex and would, eventually when the right girl comes along, to have a decent relationship. Forums like this give me a head start above a load of other idiots who don't have a clue how to engage a woman.

 

[bitteorca]

I'm not suggesting for a second that you were batting above your league, I would consider myself better looking than my ex, for a start.
The point is that she lost attraction towards you, and that probably has a lot to do with you coming across as needy. At the end of the day you were worrying about her not liking you anymore, hence this thread. As others have said, if we can pick up on that from an online forum, then she can. And it pushes her away. She thinks you're reliant on her, can't find another girl easily etc, you even touched on that yourself that you were worried you wouldn't be able to find someone else. I'm not preaching, it's just I see a lot of similarities between you and myself, hence why I think I'm probably close to the truth.
Personally I come on websites like this to avoid making stupid mistakes, and to get a nudge in the right direction when I'm meeting a girl etc. Dunno how you translate it as self-validation etc, that's up to you. I enjoy meeting women, enjoy sex and would, eventually when the right girl comes along, to have a decent relationship. Forums like this give me a head start above a load of other idiots who don't have a clue how to engage a woman.

Yeah I get you man, and thanks for your support (and everyone else). Although it could of been anything, I suppose she could have caught the hints that I was panicking about stuff, although like I said, I did make an effort to hide these signs from her, which makes me think it is to do with the other stuff. BUT, I don't want to get in to that , we've been through that enough. It's over now, I need to now focus on myself, not how she was feeling.

I have one more question (bet you're sick of this thread! haha). But I have stuff at hers, clothes, fancy dress, and shoes. None of which are massively important or I require in a rush, but I would like them back at some point. How do I approach this? I was thinking that she probably will contact me at some point, and I could just bring it up then. Or if she doesn't, I need to at least give it a couple of weeks before I ask her, to get all these emotions out of me first, and to avoid it looking like I want an excuse to see her (neediness, etc!). The other option is to ask her friend who lives with her when he will be in so I can just get them myself. But I think the stuff would be in her room, so I would actually need to contact her on second thoughts. Although she wouldn't necessarily have to be in (contact her friend for pick-up!). Another option is just ask her to post the stuff, but this would be hassle/money for her so don't know whether she would prefer me to pick them up after a bit of time has passed.

What do you guys think is the best option? I'm not going to do anything about it for a while anyway, but when I do?

 

[LuisGarcia10]

i'm getting my ex to post me my stuff. She's being ****ing annoying about it as well "I'll do it as soon as I can" I mean ffs, it's putting a couple of t-shirts in an envelope and putting it in a letterbox, I must have missed the part of her mundane 9-5 job that takes up all her free time.
****ing women.

 

[magnusalpha]

great thread.

This is an ancient thread, but I came across it during a search. Lots of great advice guys. You've helped me a lot.

I know you probably won't see my post since it's a dead thread.

 

[El Payaso]

This is an ancient thread, but I came across it during a search. Lots of great advice guys. You've helped me a lot.

I know you probably won't see my post since it's a dead thread.

It's like a real life case study. Very interesting read.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

It's like a real life case study. Very interesting read.

I am also bumping this thread, definitely worth a read. Honestly OP reminded me of myself in a lot of ways and I have the same problems sometimes. Overanalyzing things that aren't there, which leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.



This quote below is pure gold...you cannot hide **** from a women no matter how good you think you are it.

Listen to these guys. Worrying like this is a sh!tty thing to do to yourself.

And this might sound crazy, but you keep saying you've been cool around her and she hasn't seen this side of you since you've been hiding it. I swear to God, somehow the girl can sense you're being a b!tch even without contact. I've had this happen numerous times. It's like some weird cosmic c0ckblock thing that happens where your worrying is translated via otherworldly channels to her and she loses interest without you even being in contact. Self-fulfilling prophecy might be a better term for it.

I've ruined so many great things by worrying like this over NOTHING