Is my wife crazy? should I bail?

[channingtatum]

Run Forrest, Run.

 

[timeisnow]

I'm not going to tell you what to do, or bash marriage even, but, damn, man, those items on the Cons list are pretty nasty. Why would you even bother with marriage? Did you do it just to be like everyone else? Family pressure?

For me, if I am not as close to 100% happy as I could be about doing something, I don't do it and I chalk it up to it being a bad decision, not the right time, a wrong move, etc. So I stop and evaluate. Perhaps you missed this step earlier before getting married.

Why I got married is a long story but it definitely came down to being pressured and that is all the wrong reason to do it. I have to take responsibility for it at the end of the day but there was definitely a level of coercion involved. I need to learn as much as I can from this experience though.

Its amazing how prevalent these cheating hors are that guys will put up with fat *****y bipolar chicks just to avoid getting cheated on...

Actually as crude as you put this.. there is a big element to truth to it. All the really hot girls I have dated had nowhere near the domicile qualities my wife has.

I read it as you don't yet have kids. If this is true...

The overweight thing is about to get a lot worse.
The "you never" is about to get a lot worse.
The disrespect is about to get a lot worse.

You think long and hard. This needs to turn 180 on her attitude, and you need to be able to sustain it long term. That's a tall order.

Read married man sex primer.

This is correct, we don't have kids. This would be the next step. I believe I do want a family but I don't know that I'm ready even though I old (mid 30s). I know her attitude and my life can become a lot more difficult with children... I think she would be a good mother for what its worth. Part of me wants to hold of on having kids but I don't want to be too old if I do anyway. This whole dilemma has caused excessive cognitive dissonance for me and is making my life nuts. I have been talking to a therapist for a year now but he seems to try to want me to make my own decision and I haven't been able to come to terms with what I should be doing with my life.

So... Do u like dealing with her sh!t now? Cause I can only promise u it will get worst. Do u want to deal with sh!t like that for the rest of your life, only getting worst and worst as the years pass by? U have one life to live, and women are only suppose to compliment your life. So digest that for a moment and come to your own conclusion.

I think about this all the time... The problem is despite how much she annoys me or how close I've gotten to leaving her... I do love her... she has been my best friend and most dependable person. Perhaps I need to reason over this emotion though... if so please help me see the light.

Other than the overweight thing, sounds like every girl I've ever dated.

Do you think you'll really find a better wife than her? Women today can be pretty bad. Is there anything you do that seems to control her temper/controlling behavior/weight?

Sounds like your wife wants a baby, and your disinterest in it bothers her big time. You've been married for four years after all. Your refusal to even discuss the issue and then close down may have set her off, and understandably so. Again, this sounds perfectly normal for a woman to act like this.

Can you see yourself having kids with her?

I agree Bradd, thats the thing.. Most if not all girls I've ever dated have had similar issues if not a lot worse. I've only been married for 14 months but we dated for 4 years. I do instigate some of our fights so I can't put all the blame on her. Its just that I feel she overreacts to a lot of trivial nonsense. The weight issue is the biggest problem to be honest. Its cause my sexual attraction to her to wane. Is that a good enough reason to next her?

Sounds like you two haven't found a way to balance time time spent together and time spent doing your own thing. She complains about not enough quality time and you don't understand it. So ask her what quality time is vs time spent together that's not quality time. Then try to make time that satisfies that criteria for her and say you're going to make time for yourself too instead of just spending too much half @$$ time with her. Make this look beneficial for her by saying she will have more time to do things for herself

I've had these same fights with my wife. More so early in the marriage. From what you wrote it sounds like she just wants a better connection with you when you're doing something that's important to her. You said you didn't care about the baby store. Wellshe did and wanted you too also. It upset her. Just try to understand it's important to her. Not sayin do this all the time and become her slave. Gots to have your own thing too. Just set aside the fantasy football for a bit and make the b!tch happy. If she doesn't like you having fun with fantasy football ever then she has issues. Having a family is a big deal and she might want to know she can connect with you about it. If it was sewing or some girly stuff than fvck it. Just like you can't expect her to be into fantasy football.

Sounds like a lot of typical woman bs but being dependable, loyal, cooking, and hassle free with sex are certainly good qualities not to be taken for granted. I agree with others who have said to try and establish/reestablish your frame. Start by telling her you will spend more time with her only when she knocks off the blowup cr@p. Tell her you must have piece in your life with or without her and if she doesn't change her behavior it will be without her. The weight is your call you are either attracted or you aren't.

I think this is all true.. The fact is though we don't have similar interests at all. She watches all these girly things on tv and I like watching sports... I do tend to be selfish and want to get my way a lot of the time. Since we have different interests sometimes I will do stuff on the computer being next to her while she watches tv but she claims that's not "quality time" I don't know... I guess I need to do a better job here but she definitely needs a lot of attention. I always stand up for myself when she starts reacting to small things and thats why we fight a lot. I've walked out of the house numerous times when she starts yelling and talking BS. One time I even stayed away for 2 days because disrespected me. She has always come back to me.. but she doesn't seem to stop reacting and flipping out over BS... I guess its who she is.

Those are some big cons man.

I don't agree with the others who say "get over it". Once you are with a truly demure high quality female this type of behavior will seem outlandish to you.

The thing is, I used to think it was 'normal" too. And maybe it is, given the declining value of the North American female. But having an overweight harpy bust your balls for something so trivial as checking fantasy football in a BABY STORE----sounds like major control issues to me. I'd bet $100 that she would pitch a fit if she had to accompany you into a Cabela's or fishing store for a half an hour, probably about how selfish you are to drag her in there in the first place.

The other telling bit of your story is you openly admit you probably made a mistake marrying her.

I'm not saying up and divorce her, that's a big deal, but you need to consider you don't currently have kids and once you do I think your problems with her will explode exponentially. You think she is demanding NOW? You think she is overweight NOW??? Wait till the babies come and become her A#1 priority in life.

I know... I have been with hot chicks though that expect a lot more and hardly cater to me as much. I have not found a "hot" chick that is content staying home and catering to me and a potential family at least on the level that she does. Despite everything I posted I actually have the majority of the power in this relationship. For all her threats and dissatisfaction with me she has continued to stay loyal and wants to work on our relationship. Many girls would have already left me if I choose to watch football versus go with them to some bs family event. Ultimately I try to pick my battles but if I really want to do something personal as opposed to with her I end up doing it despite her *****ing and whining.

What matters is, Do you really think you WANT to spend every waking minute with her? Because her flaws are likely never going to disappear, and neither are yours.

Whatever you decide, I would definitely make up my mind BEFORE you get her preggers.

9.99999999999999% of women that I have known in this world have the same kind of flaws that you listed. They never change. The next woman you end up with will have flaws. Probably the same kind of flaws, too. If they're not struggling with weight, then they'll act bossy. If it's not bossiness, then they'll nag.

It's how many women act, in my opinion.

Is putting up with those flaws worth the price of avoiding loneliness? There's no right or wrong answer. It just comes down to choice and how you choose to deal with the consequences of that choice.

Exactly... and no I don't want to spend every minute with her.. but I haven't met a woman in my life with whom I did. I am going to share something here... I did cheat on her already with a really hot chick on one of my business travels. Toward the end though I was getting sick of this hot girl's selfish personality and annoyance and I missed my wife greatly even though this chick was smoking hot. I really have no idea what to do either way here....

 

[timeisnow]

Why did you make such a commitment with such lousy, inconsistent behavior? I'm not ripping you for this. Just wondering why you chose this woman to be your wife? Did you not think you could do better? Because I bet you could have.

You cannot be on the fence about leaving the relationship. I think the fact that you are thinking about it probably says a lot. If you are going to bail, now is the time to do it because no kids are involved.

Most, if not all women, want to be a mom. Women will go to great lengths to get a baby from a man (going off birth control) because it's VERY important to them. You have to realize that she is going to pound this down your throat because right now she is putting a timeline down as to when you should give her a baby.

Good. Good for you for asking to go home and wearing the pants and getting what you want. Unfortunately, if you continue on the path you are now, you'll continue to get this treatment from her. Start laying out some ground rules for what you will and will not tolerate. She'll respect you for it. If she continually breaks them, cut her loose.

It sounds like her core personality isn't all that bad. She seems to be there for you and care about you. Some women don't give a crap about their partners and I've been with several women who didn't care in the slightest about what I wanted in life.

Does she like to control you because she's insecure and has an ego?

My advice:
I would stay with her for another 6 months. Circle the date on the calender.

This is what you are going to do:

1. Set boundaries. Don't tolerate bossy, controlling behavior.

2. Tell her that you are allowed to have interests like Fantasy Football. She is allowed to have her own interests as well.

3. Confront her about what YOU think is wrong in this marriage and what SHE thinks is wrong. You guys are supposed to be a team. Come up with a game plan to get you guys back on track. You need to need to drive and lead this relationship, because right now she's at the wheel and crashing it every three blocks.

4. After the 6 month mark, if she is not better and getting worse, then tell her firmly that you have given her more than enough time to get her act together and that you are done. Don't even give her a second chance. Walk away, No Contact, and start over.

Good luck!

I married her because of pressure I will be honest and admit that. She was my best option, I love her and she is my best friend. I say it was a mistake because I was on the fence and gave into the pressure. But I am here now in this situation so I need to make the best move going forward.

She is the way she is because of how she was raised. She grew up in a female dominated house. I grew up in a male dominated house. Hence we clash.... Sometimes things are good but she just seems to have moments where she reacts and complains about crap... then she is fine again. The reason I got married was because I came to the conclusion I rather have her in my life than not have her in my life. I think I like your approach but I dont know if I want to wait any longer here.... I either want to commit to this full force and have children and start our lives (although the thought of not having any more indepence after having kids frightens me. I have never not been able to come to a clear decision on anything in my life as much as this... I have no idea what course to follow and its driving me nuts.

exhausted, you have a point... I do rarely show her attention and its because her being overweight is turn off.

For all those who are saying to next... Can you provide me an example of a women you are in an LTR with or married to and your day to day life with them? I'll have some specific questions to ask regarding that which may help me make my decision. Thanks to all who have responded here.

 

[timeisnow]

damn it I responded to everyone and just this last post showed up! I wasted like 40 mins typing

Quick Summary
Overweight things bothers me greatly
I love her she is my best friend
I was pressured into marrying her

I maintain my frame but we clash and we end up fighting...

I agree her qualities are hard to find which is why I am with her. I cheated on her with a really hot girl and I ended up missing my wife toward the end of the weekeng because of her self entitlement selfish personality.

I am looking to see if anyone here in an LTR or Marriage can share what their partner is like?

 

[hithard]

What do you bring to the table?
Do you have a job?
Looks?
Are you motivated?

 

[jimmy18]

timeisnow: walk away, because it forces you to love yourself (which you should have been doing all along).

 

[LiveFreeX]

As a married man, I can tell you that if my wife ever did half of what yours does, I'd be on my way out for milk.

 

[timeisnow]

Hi guys

Things have not gotten any better. The same pattern of fighting continues.. Her weight is still a problem for me and its gotten to the point where I have cheated on her again... The girl I cheated with doesn't pose LTR values I look for but is physically desirable for me.

I am getting close to a point where I may want a divorce... However when I get to the reality of making the move to make it happen I become paraylized with fear... I feel mostly despair... like after all the years and women I dated I finally found one that puts up with me and has been dependable... and I'm going to throw it all away to get back into a dating pool of crap Like I said she still is my best friend at the end of the day and I know I will be completely isolated and perhaps looked down upon by my family and friends as they all love her.

So that being said I need you all to give me your feedback or "tough love" if need be. I think I can reason over these paralizying emotions of despair if I logically knew it was the right decision. Maybe posing some questions I have will help clarify things...

1.) Is it superficial, wrong, or stupid to next your woman because of her weight?

Again this is one of the biggest issues I have with her. We've fought this battle for a while and she can't seem to get over the hump of consistently taking care of herself. Other than this and the over reactions to things I consider trivial, she does cater to me and has the qualitifes of a good woman would love and raise her kids successfully.

Most of the "hot" girls I have hooked up with expect me to cater to them or put up with thier BS. When I don't they move on. I have not found a woman that I connected with thus far that has the LTR qualities I look for.

2.) Does being divorced put a negative stigma on you?

I been browsing POF for women are looking for serious relationships.. something I often see written in profiles is "looking for never been married, no kids" - Do people in general (friends, family etc..) lose some level of respect for you? In my case it will be difficult because they all love my wife. She is the type of person that is nice to everyone.

3.) If I do end up getting divorced I will be completely alone as I live in a new area far from any friends or family. Even my friends and family I do have would probably shun me to a degree because of this. What do I do?

As I am seriously considering this I will also post on my plan to leave thread so people who have been through this or can offer advice can help.

I am grateful for all your support here.

 

[highSpeed]

tough situation man, to be sure. These things usually do not get better. If you are fighting all the time, over stupid things, its unlikely when something really important comes up, that you will be able to be a team. You've already cheated, so it looks like you have already made that decision. What's going to happen the next time you have an issue where you're ticked at her? I suppose you're just going to cheat again. I'm not trying to beat you up, I suppose the best move would have never have married her in the first place.

Unfortunately, all the best answers are probably not an option for you at this point, you only have a sludge of lesser answers. I guess ultimately, you're going to have to make decision that has some amount of pain that comes with it. Which way do you go?

 

[logicallefty]

Hi guys

1.) Is it superficial, wrong, or stupid to next your woman because of her weight?

For that and only that, I think so yes. I have been following this thread and this woman, while she has a lot of cons, also sounds like she has a lot of good points too.. You say she cooks AND is loyal? Those right there are two qualities that i have never EVER had in the same woman.. I had one who cooked and cheated, and another who was loyal and only cooked 20x in 12 years (no joke, I counted). I would consider telling her that you yourself want to drop a few lbs, even if you don't, and then have her start cooking better meals and the two of you eat healthy together. Then if you wanna go sneak out for thick crust pizza behind her back during your lunch hour, do it.

2.) Does being divorced put a negative stigma on you?

Yes, it can. But it doesn't always. I think it depends on the facts behind the divorce. If you divorced her and then people asked why and you said "I divorced her for being fat", then don't expect too much sympathy. On the other hand, if you divorced her because you were tired of constantly being nagged at 24x7, that's another story.

3.) If I do end up getting divorced I will be completely alone as I live in a new area far from any friends or family. Even my friends and family I do have would probably shun me to a degree because of this. What do I do?

As I am seriously considering this I will also post on my plan to leave thread so people who have been through this or can offer advice can help.

I am grateful for all your support here.

Very true, being alone sucks, especially if your house is 5 bedrooms like mine is.

I think you have some good reasons to not be happy in this relationship, but I also think you need to give this more thought.

I think the FIRST thing you MUST do right now take control of the relationship. Lay it out there and tell her you aren't happy and you MUST have X, Y, and Z changed or you WILL be gone. She will then try to test you and see if you are serious. Show her you are by leaving for one night when she pi$$es you off. Or go away for the weekend and go NC. When you come back, tell her you had to heave peace and you left this time to get it but if she doesn't change her ways then she will be the one leaving and she won't be coming back.

 

[timeisnow]

I think we may be near the end of the line here... Things haven't really got better.... Her weight is still a big issue... I appreciate what you say LogicalLefty.. and I have had the same views which is why I've kept it together. Unfortunately I am not sexually attracted to her and it's been very challening getting her to lose weight. I've tried various approaches and she just can't seem to stay consistent. I am thinking down the line her weight may even get worse When I told her this was the biggest issue for me it made things worse and erupted in a hurtful fight...

She is also unhappy with me. I won't commit to having kids with her until the issues in our relationship are worked out. We also fight about her forcing me to go to family events and wanting to move near them. She is also is mad I don't show her my savings account and finances etc.... We have tried various marriage counsling services and while they seem to give us temporary hope we keep falling back into our same patterns of dissatisfaction with each other.

Last night we had another fight and she actually started packing up things.. We talked this morning and she said we should get divorced. I didn't argue with her and I said I agree if that's how she felt. Although throughout our whole relatinship she's threatned this many times... this time I am really going to call her bluff... I think the one thing that bothers me is that when it comes to marriage or even commitment, the most important thing is love... So if that isn't enough for her maybe that is the true deal breaker on my end as well. I don't know... I am just confused and will probably be messed up for a while

 

[Kailex]

Everything on your 'Cons' list I would consider an automatic NEXT.

This. A million times this.

There aren't any kids in the equation, be done with it. She's done with you. Release that wildebeest back into the wild.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Originally Posted by Rollo Tomassi
Everything on your 'Cons' list I would consider an automatic NEXT.

This. A million times this.

There aren't any kids in the equation, be done with it. She's done with you. Release that wildebeest back into the wild.

Rollo and Kailex nailed it.
Best to lawyer up quick and protect your assets.

Embrace your freedom and true happiness ahead.

Before getting serious with another woman, make certain you understand why you were willing to accept AND MARRY that con list. Remember this...

Originally Posted by timeisnow
Cons
Blows up at me over the littlest things
Overweight
Tries to be controlling
Intrusive Family
Attemps to control relationship

 

[logicallefty]

OP I agree with you and the last few posts. Time to cut your losses and lawyer up. File for divorce first before she does. Then you will have the upper hand. Offense is much easier than defense.

It sounds to me like you truly tried to make it work and it just ain't gonna happen. Kudos to you for at least trying. :rockon:

 

[crazyboy]

my view all women are crazy so you have to find the level of crazy you are willing to deal with and control. Now if you feel that is too much for you then ill bail before you have to pay too much alimony and you go on with your life. Now nobody is without their flaws so the next woman you're with you going have weigh the pro and the cons before committing and as always be honest with yourself.

Get a lawyer and know your rights hopefully she been working and has income because then you wont get screw as bad for alimony 50/50 split. lol at least when you break up with her she would get back in shape lol.

 

[RangerMIke]

Cons
Blows up at me over the littlest things
Overweight
Tries to be controlling
Intrusive Family
Attemps to control relationship



Advice?

Focus on the negatives.

If she is blowing up on little things... then they are NOT little to her. Try and look at things from her perspective. This is too general a statement to decide if this is a show stopping problem. If you fail to take out the trash once and she blows up she's a.... well you know what, but if you keep forgetting to do this, and she's asked you time and time again, you are NOT showing her respect... which kills her attraction for you.

If she balloned up after you were married, then IMO she needs to fix this. But what are you doing to help her control her weight, if she is trying to eat healthy but you are being an A-hole about wanting your fried chicken, then you are the problem. You need to be more supportive if she is trying and you are beng a ****.

If she is trying to be controlling, then it is possible that you are NOT fullfilling your MALE gender role. Men have to exhibit control, if you aren't doing this then she is going to do it, and the result is that she is going to be unhappy because you are supposed to be the man.

The family is nothing you can do about. But if they are intrusive then you are not fullfilling her need for attention and affection. If you treat you woman right, she will abandon her family for you. Show your woman respect and affection and no one else would matter.

Again if she is trying to control the relationship, then you are FAILING in your make gender role to do this. Be a man and stand up to her, take control of the marrage and you will be surprised by the positive result.


But none of any of this really matters, I suspect that you REALLY don't want to be married. There is NOTHING wrong with that, but don't blame her. Man up take responsiblity for how you feel and let her know... divorce, then she can find someone that is going to give her want she needs and you can move on to whatever you want.

 

[timeisnow]

Focus on the negatives.

If she is blowing up on little things... then they are NOT little to her. Try and look at things from her perspective. This is too general a statement to decide if this is a show stopping problem. If you fail to take out the trash once and she blows up she's a.... well you know what, but if you keep forgetting to do this, and she's asked you time and time again, you are NOT showing her respect... which kills her attraction for you.

If she balloned up after you were married, then IMO she needs to fix this. But what are you doing to help her control her weight, if she is trying to eat healthy but you are being an A-hole about wanting your fried chicken, then you are the problem. You need to be more supportive if she is trying and you are beng a ****.

If she is trying to be controlling, then it is possible that you are NOT fullfilling your MALE gender role. Men have to exhibit control, if you aren't doing this then she is going to do it, and the result is that she is going to be unhappy because you are supposed to be the man.

The family is nothing you can do about. But if they are intrusive then you are not fullfilling her need for attention and affection. If you treat you woman right, she will abandon her family for you. Show your woman respect and affection and no one else would matter.

Again if she is trying to control the relationship, then you are FAILING in your make gender role to do this. Be a man and stand up to her, take control of the marrage and you will be surprised by the positive result.


But none of any of this really matters, I suspect that you REALLY don't want to be married. There is NOTHING wrong with that, but don't blame her. Man up take responsiblity for how you feel and let her know... divorce, then she can find someone that is going to give her want she needs and you can move on to whatever you want.

Your last paragraph really hits home... and the truth is you are 50% correct. There is half of me that doesn't want to be married and have to deal with all this BS.... then there is the other half that enjoys the stability, having someone to come home to, and care for you, and knowing you have a life partner... They are equally strong at 50%.... I am literally all alone in this world without her... This is why I have so much cognitive dissonance over this situation and it eats me alive....

Please offer your suggestions to me as to what I should do... Sorry for dragging this out... I admit I must be weak... but I want to be strong and do the right thing and be happy... Anyone who knows how to do this please help me...

 

[sodbuster]

Try LEADING. Be the man in the relationship. IF she isn't WILLING to follow and do what it takes to make it better, THEN dump her. I went through a YEAR at the marriage counselor..... SHE didn't want to listen or CHANGE.... so we divorced. I wasted a year of my life.... except for the cash I stashed because I KNEW she wasn't willing to change.

The longer you are married, the more she gets.... talk to a lawyer and see if there is a HARD deadline. Make your mind up BEFORE then

 

[Dritan]

She wanted you to go with her to the baby store because she wants to talk to you about having a child. Due to her reaction when you were more interested in playing games with your friends on your phone, I'd say there's a good chance that she's probably already pregnant.

You said that you went with her to the mall, but then asked that she drive you home and drop you off so you can, again, watch a game. Or go clickity clack on your xbox.

She's not trying to emasculate you. You've already done that. You are following her around like a man child and she's resenting you as a result.

If my girl asks me to go into a baby store with her I might take a hint as to what's going on. If I go sticking my nose into my phone or excusing myself to warm the bench out side she is bound to feel insulted, abandoned and unappreciated.

It was a test and you crashed and burned. Not only that, you came across as a whining little b!tch.

 

[Dreesy]

It's pretty obvious that now the problem isn't just with her, it's with you as well.

Just the fact that you've admitted you think you've made a mistake, was pressured, 50% don't want to be married etc.. Says more than anything else in this thread ever could.

That should be enough to give you your answer. Marriage isn't just something you stay in, or get into because it makes you feel 50% good.