Is it really so bad to be NICE to your girl?

[Hellboy]

Here's a thought. I just finished looking at the ladder theory site, and reading articles with the same theme. We all know the theory: if you treat 'em mean, you keep 'em keen. But does it really have to be this way? I'm not talking about casual sex here. I'm talking about trying to sustain a prolonged mutually satisfying and meaningful relationship from conception onwards.

I know the theory works. I'm no chump, I've had more than my fair share of women. The women I have cared about have responded to my aloofness with (on the surface) the desired effect. They have percieved me as high status and stepped up their efforts to keep me. This was in many cases before I discovered this site. I am just a naturally sociaable and flirtacious guy with a hint of commitmentphobia.

But as a nasty side effect these girls become possessive, jealous, clingy. And much worse when I care about them, they are just plain unhappy.

I've decided to change tack here. I have started something with a girl I really like. So far things are pretty romantic. I'm affectionate and attentive, but still masculine and decisive. She seems head over heels, and this is without me acting at all aloof or unavaiable. I've been fairly clear about how I feel about her and she has done the same.

Now my worry based on a lot of the teachings on this site is that she's gonna get bored with this. Where do you draw the line between being happy together and keeping her interested?

Discuss

 

[becker]

Oh man, reading posts like this just plain depresses me. I feel bad for ya, man. You're in exactly the position that I feel I never want to be in again. Happy with a girl, and just plain afraid to lose her. I've lost girls randomly before, with no real reason, just gone. And worst of all, you have to maintain composure when it happens. If you maintain composure, they come back or stick around, but by that time, you're bitter and sort of don't give a crap about getting into anything with her. You lose her completely from your life, then the cycle begins all over again each time you meet another girl. My head is spinning just thinking about it.

 

[Joe The Homophobe]

to hellboy

go ahead and treat your girl like a queen. Next thing you know she will leave you for a jerk. Women want real men, men with an edge, not love sick puppies.

 

[Finch]

I'm not sure I agree. I think you can be nice to a girl, but if you keep things interesting it doesn't matter all too much. At least if you're not writing love poems, confessing your love every two seconds, etc. You have to be masculine, ****y, funny, and interesting. Nothing says anything about not being nice, or being nice, or being a jerk for that matter. It all revolves around how much they're into your personality. If you can manage to develop a personality where you are nice, but mean sometimes in a joking way then you're set.

 

[tmpgstx]

I think a good way to is to role model your 'manly' personality after someone you know that is very successful and charming and what a man is all about.

You don't have to be mean, but having some edge is good .. and that would be showing some opinon. I think even more importantly is developing intimacy by doing fun things together.

 

[duttylove]

you can be nice, from time to time. when she least expects it, if your a constant jerk she will leave you, if your a nice guy she will leave you, mix things up a bit find what works.

 

[AIR-PILOT]

Its good to be NICE...but not TOO NICE...
Be yourself dude, being nice is not the problem, you need to put an edge to it sometimes so you can keep her on her toes.

 

[Hellboy]

Some good points here.

Let me make it clear though, I'm not acting like a love sick puppy. I'm not making any declerations of love, or buying her gifts, or calling her night and day.

I have adopted a sort of 'prince charming' mentality. We have a bit of a Knight/Damsel thing going on and she's lapping it up (she's Greek and very spiritual, cultured and creative). I'm very gentlemanly and romantic, but still take the lead and make decisions about what we're doing etc. So far there hasn't been a dull moment. I have taken her on a few varied and interesting adventures. We've only been seeing each other for 3 weeks, but we have got very close and her IL is stratospheric.

I want to keep it that way.

To recap my main point. In the past, I've had girls obsessed with me by acting aloof and disinterested, and by flirting with other girls. Sure they're obsessed. But very possessive. And generally not very happy at all.

This girl seems a lot more mature and mentally adjusted than any of these girls, and I'm not sure I need to be playing games. I want, above all, for us to be happy together.

 

[becker]

What I wouldn't do to get a possessive girl for once. The girls I tend to get together with are all so independent that they can't ever settle down. It would be nice to just have a girl want you without doing the work. I remember I had that in high school more, but not anymore.

 

[Hellboy]

Trust me, having a possessive girl is hard work. It's not all fun and games, particularly if you're an independent person youself.

 

[becker]

But at least you don't have to worry about her constantly needing to be entertained. I know what I'm looking for now, I'm looking for a girl who will just stick around through the thick and thin.

 

[dj_spain]

This whole "should I be nice or not" debate is ridiculous.
It isn't really about that. Many people on this site will tell you to treat your GF like **** and to be a jerk to keep her. That's bull****!
Don't listen to them. The problem comes up when you try to be someone else. The most important thing to have in mind to keep a girl interested is to engage the girl on an emotional level.
I consider myself a very nice person, and I have been able to always keep or increase the girls interest in me over time as long as I wanted to.
The key is be nice, but in a charming, not in a submissive and needy way, and always keep having a backbone. It all comes down to have a backbone, to make her feel good and to constantly stimulate her emotions. This way she will always be attracted to you. How do you stimulate her emotions? Very easily,actually: Surprise her, constantly do fun things with her, tease her in a playful way from time to time, make her a little bit jealous if you want to, give her flowers and show your more romantic side every once in a while when she doesn't expect it,and give her a charming compliment when you want to.
Combine this with deep rapport and she will love you.
In other words, put her into her romance novel and sweep her off her feet!

 

[penguin]

i know exactly what you mean becker. Thats what I want too.

 

[CLOONEY]

Sometimes you be mean (in that you know when to stand up for yourself and when she is trying to manipulate you, all girls manipulate). You be ****y, and a smartazz! Although, when it is just the two of you, sometimes you be very very nice, and speak to her softly, make her feel special. She wants to feel like she is the only one you treat like that. But only treat her like that sparingly. Generally, just be her best friend, stuff around with her just how you would with your best mate. Have wrestles and pay them out etc. Give compliments but not too often, so when you do say one, she knows you mean it and remembers it for a long time!

This is basically how you should treat a woman to keep her interested. This be a "bad boy" or "nice guy" is just AFC and DJ crap made up by a bunch of nerds.

 

[CLOONEY]

dj_spain, obviously knows what he is talking about when it comes to LTRs and high interest level. Must be that "latin lover" trait coming out in him! ha. Good advice!

 

[Hellboy]

Originally posted by dj_spain
This whole "should I be nice or not" debate is ridiculous.
It isn't really about that. Many people on this site will tell you to treat your GF like **** and to be a jerk to keep her. That's bull****!
Don't listen to them. The problem comes up when you try to be someone else. The most important thing to have in mind to keep a girl interested is to engage the girl on an emotional level.
I consider myself a very nice person, and I have been able to always keep or increase the girls interest in me over time as long as I wanted to.
The key is be nice, but in a charming, not in a submissive and needy way, and always keep having a backbone. It all comes down to have a backbone, to make her feel good and to constantly stimulate her emotions. This way she will always be attracted to you. How do you stimulate her emotions? Very easily,actually: Surprise her, constantly do fun things with her, tease her in a playful way from time to time, make her a little bit jealous if you want to, give her flowers and show your more romantic side every once in a while when she doesn't expect it,and give her a charming compliment when you want to.
Combine this with deep rapport and she will love you.
In other words, put her into her romance novel and sweep her off her feet!

Great advice dude! I think this explains why things have been going so well. On Sunday we went to a huge abbey to see a symphonic concert together. It was a dramatic and emotional experience to share with her and we had a lot of fun at her place bonding afterwards
She's phoned me every night since. She's 27 but taken a very submissive and childlike persona with me. A dramatic change from the headstrong psychologist I met a few months ago.

Aah life is good

 

[medjaun]

Originally posted by Hellboy
A dramatic change from the headstrong psychologist I met a few months ago.

Aah life is good

Interesting, my current conquest is also a headstrong pysch but I see these glimpses of the child like side come out now and then.

 

[MetalFortress]

A simple tip:

You know how when you buy a girl chocolates and flowers, the usual question another guy will ask is "what did you do this time?" Why is it that guys do this sort of crap when their girl is acting pissy at them, but not when she is acting in a way that pleases him?

If anything, do the exact opposite. Surprise her with this sort of stuff when she is making you happy. If she is pissing you off, put her on ice. It should all be common sense, and it comes to me naturally (I become deadly silent toward whatever girl I'm seeing if she pisses me off, and can barely contain myself from pouring affection onto her when she is making me really happy), but many guys do the opposite.

 

[MindOverMatter]

If anything, do the exact opposite. Surprise her with this sort of stuff when she is making you happy. If she is pissing you off, put her on ice. It should all be common sense, and it comes to me naturally (I become deadly silent toward whatever girl I'm seeing if she pisses me off, and can barely contain myself from pouring affection onto her when she is making me really happy), but many guys do the opposite.

*claps*

I'm glad someone figured it out. By being nice to your girl when she's being a b!tch, you give her positive reinforcement for her behaviour. When she gets positive reinforcement for being a b!tch, she will keep doing it, because it's rewarding.

 

[trippychip]

Alot of girls ive known really love the chase that is involved. So they feed off you not giving them attention cuz they will work harder to get it. And the longer you keep them on this string the harder they try and the more they think your this amazing guy. Thing is, if you start acknowledging them and being thats its not a challenge anymore and the goal has been reached. Ive been dumped cuz of that before. Cuz she would say she loved me so much and then i would say the same thing back...

its weird i have this MSN convo of my and my ex talking last year and after learning all this stuff i seriously want to kick myself in the face. Like its so blatantly obvious that i was too nice and was there too much its scary.

Anyway its ok to be nice to them, but you have to keep them thinking that they dont quite have you yet. That you will still make them work, and ignore them some days.