Is it immoral to have a sex buddy?

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by DJmonster
I'm talking about when neither person is in a serious relationship, and they have both decided they don't want a relationship with each other.

I have never had one, so I'm not sure. You guys that have, did you feel guilty at all? Also, is it possible to have no strings attatched?

My girlfriend and I were debating this. Her and her ex decided they still wanted to be friends, and they were still messing around once in a while before she met me. She says it was meaningless and casual. To me, this seems wrong, but she thought it was ok. What do you guys think, right or wrong?

This is clearly a concern with the big "E" (as in Ego) as its driving force..anyways, in the end, its not about morality, its about dealing with your gf's sexual past. You mentioned that it makes u disgusted to think about her having sex before you came along..obviously u feel threatened. Im sure youre even slightly jealous.

Here's a good link about the real issue at hand:

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39774&highlight=sexual+history

Now, it appears that dons around here are pretty much divided on the subject of a girls sexual past, and getting over all the insecurity it manifests.

Some ppl say-Like Dirtheart and others, that if it bothers you now, end your relationship, because the feelings you harbor (resent, disgust) only going to get worse. Others say that this is an issue that can be overcome..that to break up over something like this is pitiful and unnecessary. Read what Dr. Zaius has to say on the issue.

I think it all depends on how much you care for this girl. And if the girl is worth the effort. But the fact still remains that if you ignore this issue now and just dump her because of your OWN insecurities, you're just delaying something that you're going to have to deal with eventually anyways.

Many many girls will have had a relationship the same which u just described. Not all of these are "*****s" either. Im sure you will find some that fit every standard of yours except for this one little "hump" that u just cant seem to get over.

The choice is yours.

 

[petal]

Personally I am in a FWB situation with 1 person for over a year now. I approached him first about what I wanted. We had an understanding from the beginning that we did not want to be in a no strings attached relationship because we both had been in LTR before we met. So it developed into an open honest sexual relationship. We basically fill each others sexual void and loneliness temporarily. He on the other hand has had ONS with other girls on occasion. It doesn't bother me that he has had sex with other people because he is honest with me and I would be honest with him if I did the same. But I do not have the need to go whoring around to be fulfilled.

It is rare to find someone who is willing to stick around and be your sex buddy but it's better than going home drunk with someone you really don't know and risking your health over sex.

It's not made to last forever but you have to make it work with openmindedness, honesty, and trust. Leave the emotions out of it.

 

[DJmonster]

wow, quite a few replies. Thanks, guys. Some very wise and good advice. However, some things to clear up: I have already dealt with the gf sexual past issue, and I don't think my insecurity/jealousy/ego is the problem. (the sexual past issue was that she would randomly talk about her ex boyfriends, but she doesn't do that anymore. -she also agreed to cut contact with the ex-turned-friend guy)

I think my girlfriend is just young and naive (she's 19), but not a *****. Like NewMan said, I don't think her messing around with her ex bf/friend was meaningless. She was saying it was casual and didn't mean anything, in defense of the fact that she still kept in contact with this guy. That prompted me to ask her if she thought that it was ok to have a fvck buddy. What bothered me the most was her answer to my question. I know all about her sexual past, and I have never thought of her as a *****, but her thinking that its ok to have a purely sexual relationship really got to me. I got kind of mad and we didn't talk about it much more. She may have said there's nothing wrong with the "discovery channel thing", again, out of defense of the fact that she messed around with her ex turned friend. And again, I don't think that was a purely sexual interaction.

I'm going to talk to her about it some more, cuz we didn't really get to debate it much at all. If she really does think fvck buddies are ok, then that's not the attitude towards sex that I'm looking for in a LTR.

Is it immoral to have a sex buddy?

I think with the defined circumstances, there is a universal right answer.

-To be sex buddies is to go against nature. It actually isn't a "discovery channel thing". Animals don't have sex just to have sex. Sure, it is acting on animalistic instinct, but a purely sexual relationship serves no natural purpose. (I know, you could say this about most sexual encounters, but at least meaningful, emotionally intimate sex, is a step towards sex's natural purpose -sex with the intent of reproduction)

-It goes against our civilized standards of right and wrong. People are likely to have less respect for, and less desire to be with long term, a person who reduces sex to just sex, and fvcks to their carnal whorish desires under the pretense of no strings attatched

-It is unhealthy, because there are always strings attatched. It is human nature to feel more intimate with somebody after intercourse. Attachments will always happen to some degree.

-It leads to deception. Most women, and some men, won't want anyone to know they've got a fvck buddy, which will lead to lying, which I think we all can agree, is immoral

So.... I conclude for now, that having and using a friend for sex is immoral.

 

[Kineti[C]harm]

HAhahahahahah Are you SERIOUS?????? How can you even ask such a question? SEX IS IN NO WAY IMMORAL, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN IT'S JUST SEX!

 

[DJmonster]

Originally posted by Kineti[C]harm
HAhahahahahah Are you SERIOUS?????? How can you even ask such a question? SEX IS IN NO WAY IMMORAL, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN IT'S JUST SEX!

why? some contribution please.

 

[Kineti[C]harm]

How is it in ANY SENSE immoral? You are having sex, it's just a bodily function just like breathing or eating or running.

 

[DJmonster]

Originally posted by Kineti[C]harm
How is it in ANY SENSE immoral? You are having sex, it's just a bodily function just like breathing or eating or running.

I'm asking for arguments about whether or not a purely sexual RELATIONSHIP (being fvck buddies) is right/wrong, moral/immoral, should/shouldn't you.

 

[jbbrain]

bah, I think this is an issue for you ONLY because this girl is your gf, and youre not completely happy with her past.

In fact, her past entails her being a fvck buddy, so right then and there, you already have an issue with something that happened before you came along. Why SHOULD you worry about whether she believes in having a casual sex relationship? She's with you now.

Are u afraid of what she might do when u guys split? Probably not.

You're simply concerned about the fact that she had a purely sexual relationship with her ex in the past.

I think its an ego issue. You're dodging/hiding the real issue at hand.

 

[NewMan]

I'm asking for arguments about whether or not a purely sexual RELATIONSHIP (being fvck buddies) is right/wrong, moral/immoral, should/shouldn't you.

No - your asking for opinions.

I still believe that it's an ego/jealousy thing. You cannot except the fact that your girl could be someone's FB.

But we've already established the fact that the guy she was fvcking was her ex. So - it wasn't emotionless - it wasn't some guy she didn't know anything about. These guys had history.

Also - think about this - she wasn't going out to bars picking up random guys to fvck. She was fvcking a guy she had at one time loved - and probably still had(s) emotions for.

Let me ask you a question - what has your past been like? have you ever truly loved a girl? have you had other LTR's? Have you had a relationship with a woman you loved (and who loved you) and still had feelings for her after the relationship ended?

This is important - since I do not think you understand these feelings. It's not like a switch you can just turn off.

In my opinion this girl wasn't someone's fvck buddy - Her relationship with her ex continued at some level after they figured out that they could not or did notr spend the rest of their life together.

What is her opinion of this guy now? would she fvck him now? probably not. She probably still had feeling's for him - and was mixed up when this happened. Some people have a rebound relationship after a breakup - a kind of way of fvcking the other person out of them - she didn't.

 

[DJmonster]

Originally posted by jbbrain
bah, I think this is an issue for you ONLY because this girl is your gf, and youre not completely happy with her past.

In fact, her past entails her being a fvck buddy, so right then and there, you already have an issue with something that happened before you came along. Why SHOULD you worry about whether she believes in having a casual sex relationship? She's with you now.

Are u afraid of what she might do when u guys split? Probably not.

You're simply concerned about the fact that she had a purely sexual relationship with her ex in the past.

I think its an ego issue. You're dodging/hiding the real issue at hand.

Well, see I don't think she was a fvck buddy. She messed around with a guy she obviously still cared about (eventhough she calls him her friend). They were once in love. I don't think she meant what she said about it being meaningless and casual, so I'm sorry I ever posted that in the first place. I'm telling you, her past does not bother me. She's made mistakes as have I, and I'm fine with it. I wouldn't change a single thing about her past, because it has helped her grow into the person I'm with right now. However, I would like to try to change her mind about the idea that friends with benefits is perfectly fine. Maybe it is ego, but if it is, my ego wants me to be right, and her to be wrong. I don't think this is the case. I just want the girl I invest in to have the same moral values as I do on certain issues, this being one of those.

 

[DJmonster]

Originally posted by NewMan
I still believe that it's an ego/jealousy thing. You cannot except the fact that your girl could be someone's FB.

Yes, this is true. But like you said, and I agree, she was no one's fvck buddy.

Here's what I might ask her: 'If she and I weren't together and she was approached by one of her guy friends with the proposition that they just use each other for sex, would she go along with it?' If she would, then this pisses me off. I don't call that jealousy, ego, or insecurity. I call it wanting a girlfriend that wouldn't ever do such a thing, because I don't like the idea of being with a woman that would do that. That's just my standard for a woman I'm going to have an LTR with.

 

[Kineti[C]harm]

Those girls almost do not exist... Most girls will have no problem having a guy just for friendly sex, it's a very good, stable and safe type of sex.

 

[Kidquick]

I had a great sex buddy over the winter, and the ground-rules were established up front and before-hand - we eventually moved on to serious relationships but we remained friends and still talk every once in awhile...I cannot find a single negative aspect to the relationship we had.

 

[dietzcoi]

1. Once again, we see that it is a BAD IDEA bringing up one's past sex life... why do people (women) always seem to want to kiss and tell?

2. If YOU are bothered by it, and you are, then you need to deal with it. DO NOT let some of these fools try to shame you into accepting it by claiming you are insecure, have a weak ego, whatever. Are they Sigmund Freud? YOU have to decide if it is something you want to live with or not.

Do not let "society", even the DJ society, try to shame you into accepting her sexual past if you do not want to or cannot. You will regret it later

PR_L, where are you?

Dietzcoi

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Do not let "society", even the DJ society, try to shame you into accepting her sexual past if you do not want to or cannot. You will regret it later

I don't necessarily think he should "accept" her sexual past if he's uncomfortable with it. In fact, I'd say he shouldn't.

But "morality" has nothing to do with it. In this case, it's just a matter of personal preferences. Just because he's uncomfortable with her sexual history doesn't make her any more or less moral.

 

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
2. If YOU are bothered by it, and you are, then you need to deal with it. DO NOT let some of these fools try to shame you into accepting it by claiming you are insecure, have a weak ego, whatever. Are they Sigmund Freud? YOU have to decide if it is something you want to live with or not.

Do not let "society", even the DJ society, try to shame you into accepting her sexual past if you do not want to or cannot. You will regret it later

Well, what do you propose he do about it? Seeing that its an obvious ego thing, I think he may HAVE to learn to deal with/learn to accept/forget about her past.

But like I said, is she worth the effort of getting by this?

I just think that if he bails ship now, this issue is just going to come up again, but with a different girl, down the road. It'll be the same questions, concerns...but maybe next time he'll be head over heels for this chick, and letting go will be very hard to do. Speaking of regret...the point is, most girls will have had something like this at least once in their lives. To boot, the older a chick gets the more chance she has of getting herself into something like this.

Getting older=more experience..you run away from this, you may be running away from something that will going to haunt you your whole life.

I say, get a grip on it. She's with you now. Who cares what sort of ideals/opinions she has on what really IS a moot point?

 

[JT47319]

IF THE GIRL IS IN ANYWAY HOT, SHE'S PROBABLY HAD MORE SEX AND SEXUAL PARTNERS THAN YOU.

That isn't because she's a slut, but simply because as an attractive female, sex is ALWAYS an open option to her. The same isn't true for guys who have to compete and game for it.

Get over it or chase ugly fat girls.

 

[NewMan]

I call it wanting a girlfriend that wouldn't ever do such a thing, because I don't like the idea of being with a woman that would do that. That's just my standard for a woman I'm going to have an LTR with.

So you've answered your own question. Break it off and move on.

Anything else will just be you kidding yourself.

What I don't understand is - how can you say and I quote:

her past does not bother me. She's made mistakes as have I, and I'm fine with it. I wouldn't change a single thing about her past, because it has helped her grow into the person I'm with right now.

When it clearly does. Because what your trying to do to her is say - that her past isn't OK - her choice was an incorrect one - and she should not have had sex with her ex when she did.

Your trying to change the person she is - so even though you say her past has helped her grow into the person she is right now - you are not happy with that person.

You want her to tell you that she wouldn't have meaningless sex - which she didn't have in the first place - with someone if she wasn't with you....

but

what does it matter since - SHE WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU.


What your doing is calling into judgement her decision making skills. There's a fear here somewhere. PErhaps you afraid she'll cheat on you.

You've also agreed it is an ego/jealousy thing. Are you jealous of her or of her ex? not sure which one.

I was once in a simular situation with an old GF. She had had more experience than I - a lot more - she was very attractive. I was jealous of the fact that she had had so much more experience. It wasn't that I was unhappy with her past - it was that I didn't have anything to match that. So I would always get jealous/negative when conversation turned to ex's - or if there was any hint of her having experience or having been with anyone else. Example of which - she mentioned one time she had gone on a vacation to Hawaii - about 9 yrs ago - and had meet a guy and had a summer fling. I always got negative whenever Hawaii ever got brought up in a conversation.

Well - as you can imagine - we broke up. Things like this would never last. So, I figured I needed to get over my issues - so I went out and did as much fvcking and crazyness as I could.

I'm now dating a hottie. She's got some ex's - but I really don't care about them. Why? because I've a store of experience - I've done all I wanted - banged lot's of girls - and had fun, fun, fun. It's actually done me well - since I am a stronger man for it. I no longer fret over stupid sh#t such as when my girl tells me her ex called - I know I'm the man. I never react to her or her past - that can bother her at times - but now I come from a base of power.

 

[DJmonster]

Originally posted by Kidquick
I had a great sex buddy over the winter, and the ground-rules were established up front and before-hand - we eventually moved on to serious relationships but we remained friends and still talk every once in awhile...I cannot find a single negative aspect to the relationship we had.

There's one guy that thinks it's ok. Not much of an argument, but thanks Kidquick for addressing the subject question. I can tell a few of you others don't think its ok, but it seems no one wants to prove me wrong about the idea that having a fvck buddy is immoral.

Really guys, when I posted this I was just looking for a discussion about whether it is a good idea or not to try to have a purely sexual relationship. No more advice. I've already made up my mind about my girlfriend, and I've decided to stick with her even if she doesn't agree with me on this, but I think I can convince her. (she has probably never deeply thought about it, and I think her opinion comes from her peers and the false femenistic idea that women who have sex with no emotional attatchment are somehow stronger or more powerful because of it)

Here's another thing to add to my argument: Lets say its your sister or your divorced mother who is someone's fvck buddy. Is this ok? Obviosly you probably wouldn't know about it, because they would hide it from you. We know that deception and lying is immoral, so since most fvck buddy relationships involve deception, a purely sexual relationship IS immoral.

arguments I've heard for sex buddies:
-one mans testimony that there was no negative aspect with his sex buddy (no proof, but at least an experienced opinion)
-it is safe and secure (this does not make it moral)
-it's better than going home drunk with someone you really don't know and risking your health over sex. (so what)
-better than her having a lot of ONS (just cuz its better doesn't make it moral)

 

[DJmonster]

When it clearly does. Because what your trying to do to her is say - that her past isn't OK - her choice was an incorrect one - and she should not have had sex with her ex when she did.

Your trying to change the person she is - so even though you say her past has helped her grow into the person she is right now - you are not happy with that person.

You want her to tell you that she shouldn't have meaningless sex - which she didn't have in the first place - with someone if she wasn't with you....

I'm not trying to tell her that any of her choices were incorrect. You're right though, I DO want to tell her she shouldn't have meaningless sex. What's wrong with that? I'm just trying to change her opinion.