Indifference vs. Reaction

[mfd1830]

I'm about to break up with my girlfriend and even though she's kinda crazy, I know I made a lot of mistakes and I'd like to use this to learn for the future.

When we first started dating she'd mention other guys being attractive and stuff like that. I would usually just brush it off. I mean I didn't want to come off as being insecure, we weren't a couple yet or anything, even though it did bother me a little. It was more confusion than anything else; not really knowing why she would say these things around a guy she's starting to date.

Fast forward a few months and we're a couple. She still does that and even more often than before. She's got tons of guy friends, see's them a lot and tells me about all the crazy parties she goes to with them. Now this is where I probably messed up big time. I still brush it off, act like I don't care. I do care though, it bothers me a lot and makes me really angry.

I have a really relaxed, detatched personality and I thought that was the right way to be with girls; to not get cought up in their games and be above it. But it seems like she's pushing me hard to react, get angry. She's even started to "laughingly" insult me in passing.

Am I supposed to get upset? Confront her? Is that what she wants? Or did I just find a really messed up girl?

I'm just really confused. I thought not being the jealous, reactive guy was the best way to act. The result in this case is that she just walks all over me.

 

[Tyson420]

You let her disrespect you like that?

Damn. Men are *****yyyy whippped.

 

[mfd1830]

This was my first girlfriend and it probably sounds stupid, but I really don't know what is acceptable behavior on her part. I'm trying to not be the big AFC I used to be, where I'd get jealous over girls I didn't even have the balls to talk to. Maybe I went to the other extreme, by letting her say whatever she wants and not reacting, but I'm finding it really difficult to find that line and know how to act in a given situation.

 

[Lion]

Sounds like you "kinda" did the right thing by staying indifferent, those are major red flags for any relationship. I imagine I'd probably start by doing the same... crucially followed by next.

 

[mfd1830]

Most of my friends have girlfriends that don't act like this at all. Makes me think there's something about them that "demands" respect from their girls without them having to demonstrate why. I feel like my indifference translates as a lack of respect or manliness.

 

[Ease]

They key is indifference. Always, always. Never reaction.

When its disrespect, then you adress it on the spot, and then follow it immediatly with indifference. Eg. she starts flirting with another guy, you say 'wtf? are you flirting with another guy?', she says 'uhh!!!', then you immediatly switch on indifference to the situation. She is ALWAYS looking for a REACTION in that situation, you did the right thing by not giving her one. But along with this you MUST put your foot down on nonsense.

Reaction shows you care, and you lose power. Indifference shows that it doesnt effect you at all and you have all of the power, you live in your own reality. When she talks to you about another guy, you never show jealousy, because that is a reaction to the story, and exposes insecurity. Your actions must never be originated from jealousy or any other reaction to her. Its ok to say 'what the ****?', but only when you say it to put your foot down, never because your jealous.

When she tries to make you jealous it is both a **** test to see if you get jealous, and also how much bull**** you are willing to put up with. You must show you are 0% jealous and you will tolerate 0% bull****.

'i dont care what you did at that party, but if you cheat on me ill sleep with your best friend' is a good mindframe.

What you do are your actions, not RE-actions!

 

[frostyboy]

Next time she says such a thing why don't you tell her "its starting to annoy me when you talk about other guys been attractive"? That way you show you are only starting to care and having balls by telling her you are getting jealous and you are still been relaxed. She prob just wants to see if you care a little. If she continues a lot that is disrespectful, you should then consider getting a better girl and that is how you should feel. If you feel that I think she will pick it up on your body language when you tell her.

 

[DonJuan11]

I'm about to break up with my girlfriend and even though she's kinda crazy, I know I made a lot of mistakes and I'd like to use this to learn for the future.

When we first started dating she'd mention other guys being attractive and stuff like that. I would usually just brush it off.

Mistake. You have to call her on it, or else she'll keep doing it.

I mean I didn't want to come off as being insecure, we weren't a couple yet or anything, even though it did bother me a little. It was more confusion than anything else; not really knowing why she would say these things around a guy she's starting to date.

Come on dude that's ignorance. If you were with a girl would wanted to date, get to know better and have sex with, would you compliment other girls when you are with her? Would that turn her on and make her feel good about herself, make her feel sexy?

Fast forward a few months and we're a couple. She still does that and even more often than before. She's got tons of guy friends, see's them a lot and tells me about all the crazy parties she goes to with them. Now this is where I probably messed up big time. I still brush it off, act like I don't care. I do care though, it bothers me a lot and makes me really angry.

Again, why is she telling you this stuff? Why would a girl who has a boyfriend she has sex with, tell the boyfriend about all the guy friends she has and the parties she goes to with them? Is it because she loves the boyfriend and would do anything for him or is it because she is trying to find an excuse to get rid of him?

I have a really relaxed, detatched personality and I thought that was the right way to be with girls; to not get cought up in their games and be above it. But it seems like she's pushing me hard to react, get angry. She's even started to "laughingly" insult me in passing.

Oh man dude you are in so much trouble, and you just sit back and take it from her.

Am I supposed to get upset? Confront her? Is that what she wants? Or did I just find a really messed up girl?

I'm just really confused. I thought not being the jealous, reactive guy was the best way to act. The result in this case is that she just walks all over me.

You think if she insults you, compliments college hockey players and tells you stories of 6'1 guys doing shots of her body at parties and you don't do anything but sit there and take it and agree with her, she's going to get turned on? Really?

You HAVE TO call her on it. What kind of a guy just sits and takes it and takes it and takes it? Even if she won't have sex with you anymore, she'll at least respect you for standing up for whatever you have left yourself.

 

[mfd1830]

Yeah I definitely have not done very well with this whole thing. I can see how my total indifference could lead to her feeling like I don't care about her. So in that respect I sorta brought it on myself.

I guess the one thing I can't figure out though is how to balance things. How early when seeing someone is too early to call them out on stuff like this? I don't wanna appear insecure, right? I mean, she acts like her behavior is totally normal and okay, and that it would be crazy for me to be upset about it. There have been a couple times where I've "attempted" to call her on this **** and she'll just laugh or get offended.

Did I just find a crappy girl or are they all like this and it's my fault for not handling it right?

 

[mfd1830]

Thanks for the help by the way. It's really important for me to get my head around this so it never happens again. It's not fun feeling like a total pvssy and I'm just now realizing that's exactly what I've been.

 

[frostyboy]

Mate, the more interest a girl has in you the less she will pull stunts like that. Even when a girl really likes you there will be times she
feels not interested, that is when she pulls such stunts. If you show you have balls shortly she will be back to her old self liking you. If
you dont show balls she will continue in the not interested direction until you have balls or it is to late to have them.

 

[Desert Fox]

Call her out. I hate when people insinuate things and play games with me so I call them out on it.

"Are you trying to make me jealous? Do you think that's going to impress me or get my attention? You need to find something else to please me with. These childish games are boring me. I'm going to find some adults now."

She will come running next day or 2 days later wanting to spend all her time with you.

Indifference isn't only "lack of a response." It's also the ability to show you have OPTIONS and can walk away.

oh yeah how do I know this? Because I did it before and said exactly what I typed up there.

 

[evoken]

DO NOT CALL HER OUT.

I REPEAT: DO NOT CALL HER OUT.

Women hate to be called out on their games. She knows damn well what she is doing and she is trying to get a jealous emotional reaction from you. You are doing well thus far by not reacting and showing you don't give a fvck. When she displays disrespectful behaviour like this, just withdraw attention for a while and she will get the point and you will notice that this type of behaviour will reduce over time. You can go one better though and flirt with other girls in front of her and hint to her about other girls (even very subtly), let her imagination do the work and mindfvck herself. She may intensify the games by flirting more with other guys, don't worry about this and just ignore it.

Anyway your girlfriend sounds like a game playing slvt so you should relegate her to fvck buddy status.

 

[Jay Dee]

Evoken has hinted at what is the best course of action: get some girl friends, flirt with them, then tell the girlfriend about them casually but sparingly. And don't call her out - keep that cool.

What is good for the goose is good for the gander - it'll help take your mind off what she's doing, and if she's planning to get rid then you'll already be lining up some chicks.

 

[Groovy]

This is a PERFECT topic!! I'm also VERY confused about this stuff... Great question. I also don't know like, what to do in those situations? I think the same thing, if I react it kind of makes me loose power, but if I don't react I guess that's kind of bad too. Maybe if a guy has a lot of self esteem he won't be bothered by this stuff, and the response will come naturally? I mean I may feel like responding (if that were happening to me) "what is this, are you trying to make me jelous?" but I'm not sure if that's the right way to handle that. It's a curious question! So you guys think the best thing is to not react at all? Any inner game tips on this? Like guys with high self esteem how would they react. Kind of need help to put this on prespective lol. This is a interresting question, maybe it's worth to think about this later.

 

[spikeanut]

OP, the problem with this situation is you've become so concerned with her perception of you, whether you're jealous, insecure, or controlling, that you've allowed her to outright disrespect you. Respect is everything in a relationship and needs to be set-up from the beginning. This relationship is doomed, however, some guidance that may help you on your future interactions with women.

You should have addressed it from the very beginning as something you find very disrespectful. If done correctly, you don't come off as neither jealous or insecure, but rather as a high value man who doesn't take any sort of disrespectful act from a woman they are potentially vetting for an LTR. Once you've stated your expectations, and she continues to perform that action, then you distance and silence. Always have the mindset and willingness to walk away once someone disrespects you outright. Your current GF "laughingly insults" you is a direct show of disrespect - dump her.

 

[Barrister]

Just pointing out that this thread is from 2008 - so the fellas addressing the OP directly probably aren't going to hear from him.

I do think it is an interesting discussion between showing indifference so as to not appear insecure vs. putting your foot down to not let them cross boundaries. My experience: be indifferent to minor things. However, when it comes to things like being inappropriate with other men, you set a hard-line boundary and be very clear about it. If she crosses the boundary after you have discussed it with her ONCE, you then walk. No questions asked. Because if she does it once it will be a continuing battle and your staying after that point is your implicit agreement to keep tolerating it on some level. I have learned this the hard way.

 

[spikeanut]

This advice seems solid. But only on the surface. "You can't turn a hoe into a house wife is a saying for a reason"
I think indifference or eject depending on what OP is after.

I don't think you and I are saying anything different. This one is over; only option is to object. In the future, the vetting of a hoe will fall in line with the vetting of a woman who continuously disrespects OP.

 

[zinc4]

I'm about to break up with my girlfriend and even though she's kinda crazy, I know I made a lot of mistakes and I'd like to use this to learn for the future.

When we first started dating she'd mention other guys being attractive and stuff like that. I would usually just brush it off. I mean I didn't want to come off as being insecure, we weren't a couple yet or anything, even though it did bother me a little. It was more confusion than anything else; not really knowing why she would say these things around a guy she's starting to date.

Fast forward a few months and we're a couple. She still does that and even more often than before. She's got tons of guy friends, see's them a lot and tells me about all the crazy parties she goes to with them. Now this is where I probably messed up big time. I still brush it off, act like I don't care. I do care though, it bothers me a lot and makes me really angry.

I have a really relaxed, detatched personality and I thought that was the right way to be with girls; to not get cought up in their games and be above it. But it seems like she's pushing me hard to react, get angry. She's even started to "laughingly" insult me in passing.

Am I supposed to get upset? Confront her? Is that what she wants? Or did I just find a really messed up girl?

I'm just really confused. I thought not being the jealous, reactive guy was the best way to act. The result in this case is that she just walks all over me.

Just dump her ffs. Certainly not gf material.

 

[SargeMaximus]

I’ve always been confused about this too. In the pua mind set you have to be indifferent but when it comes to a general and “who knows what that means” term like disrespect, you have to care. So it always confused me