In a marriage, is it ok to....

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Don Juan
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Been married for about 2 years...

In a marriage, is it ok to....

1. Express your anxities about the future....Tell your wife your scared about your parents dying, youself dying and her dying....my philosophy is nothing never last...& I recenty started getting depressed upon this realization...

2. Express anxities about moving to another city.....

3. Lose control and throw stuff around the room because your mad at her...

4. Not want to help out w/ the chores because your tired from work....

5. want to have "me time" because your stressed out a work and you don't feel like talking w/ your wife....

6. complain about my job because I'm not making enough money.

7. emphasize to her how much I want children although she wants to wait several years.....

8. Argue w/ her when she nags to me about cleaning up or getting a new job...

Or as a husband, am I just suppose to keep my mouth shut about my feelings....and act smooth all the time....as if nothing is wrong....
 

Igetit!

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Analysis said:
Been married for about 2 years...

In a marriage, is it ok to....

1. Express your anxities about the future....Tell your wife your scared about your parents dying, youself dying and her dying....my philosophy is nothing never last...& I recenty started getting depressed upon this realization...

2. Express anxities about moving to another city.....

3. Lose control and throw stuff around the room because your mad at her...

4. Not want to help out w/ the chores because your tired from work....

5. want to have "me time" because your stressed out a work and you don't feel like talking w/ your wife....

6. complain about my job because I'm not making enough money.

7. emphasize to her how much I want children although she wants to wait several years.....

8. Argue w/ her when she nags to me about cleaning up or getting a new job...
Sure it's ok......if you want a divorce. DON'T DO THIS. That 1 though 8 with the exception of number 5 is a recipe for disaster. Having a little "me time" is fine,but just do it. Don't say the words "me time" to her,that's what women say. Just tell her your going to so and so place for a little while,and you'll be back later. But PLEASE,don't say "me time".

Analysis said:
Or as a husband, am I just suppose to keep my mouth shut about my feelings....and act smooth all the time....as if nothing is wrong....
Bingo dude,do this. I know it feels draining to have to be Superman for your wife all the time,but she need you to be strong. Whenever you need a little down time,do it with your friends,or by yourself. A wife looks to her husband for strength and security. You're her rock,her protector. If she see you acting out those 1 though 8 behaviors you mentioned,she'll lose confidence in you,and she'll start becoming more controlling. You know why?
Because if she feels that you're weak,then she'll rise up and start taking charge in order to make sure that she gets her needs met....and I'm not talking about emotional needs,I'm talking about survival needs....food,water,shelter,etc. You're supposed to be her provider and protectior,but if she loses faith in you,then she'll become controlling in order to provide and protect herself.

So no,don't break down and unload your burdens on her. She's your wife,not your mother.

You a man,so be a man.
 

Luthor Rex

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Analysis said:
Been married for about 2 years...

In a marriage, is it ok to....

1. Express your anxities about the future....Tell your wife your scared about your parents dying, youself dying and her dying....my philosophy is nothing never last...& I recenty started getting depressed upon this realization...
I would say it depends on how she would take it. There are a lot of people who can't deal with the existential anxiety that goes along with thinking about things like death. Some people have learned to be ok with the impermanence of the world, others haven't -- if she can't deal with it back off the subject.

2. Express anxities about moving to another city.....
Some women are stupid about anxiety. Instead of seeing it for the realism that it is, they may see it as a weakness (ok if you're a blubbering wreck in tears then it's a problem). Again, you need to find out what kind of woman she is. Can she deal with the real problems that come from this or does she need a man who never acts like anything is wrong?

Of course acting like nothing is ever wrong is dysfunctional and I don't recommend it. If your wife can't be your partner, if she needs to be taken care of, then she is just one more child who is a burden. You don't need a woman like that. If you do have one, well you're stuck and make due the best you can.

3. Lose control and throw stuff around the room because your mad at her...
Don't go throwing shiet!

4. Not want to help out w/ the chores because your tired from work....
I guess it depends on how tired you are and if you'll do it later. Sometimes a chore really can't wait until later.

5. want to have "me time" because your stressed out a work and you don't feel like talking w/ your wife....
It may depend on what you mean by "me time"...

6. complain about my job because I'm not making enough money.
Again, some women react to complaints in a strange way. They may see it as the end of the world rather than just blowing off steam. You'll have to judge how your wife is.

7. emphasize to her how much I want children although she wants to wait several years.....
Can't help ya on this one.

8. Argue w/ her when she nags to me about cleaning up or getting a new job...
Constructive criticism is one thing, nagging is something else. Women nag because they have poor communication skills. Not sure how you go about training them different.

Or as a husband, am I just suppose to keep my mouth shut about my feelings....and act smooth all the time....as if nothing is wrong....
Too many women seem to think men should keep their mouths shut about their feelings, or at least feelings women disapprove of. I'm sure Rollo knows how to train them! :whistle:
 

slickaz

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when you married here, did you say
Thru sh!t or shine im gonna be there for you..

Be a man! she signed her life over to you, if she hasnt done anything wrong, and is being there for you then express to her you're issues let her console you, but dont be a wuss.

PLEASE FOR FVK SAKE: Dont THROW things around the room.

Dont be Negative by being depressed.

the biggest part of being a DJ and a MAN is that you are confident in yourself and fear no challenge and can face up to anything as long as you have in frame and face it patiently..Add to this the added bonus of a beautiful woman who loves you enough to back you up through it all, thats a recipe for success.

Dont put your stresses on her, especially not being dramatic about it.

Cleaning up seems to be a problem at home for you?
She is not totally responsible for cleaning up, even though she may assume that responsibility it doesnt mean you cant/should not help her.

Everyone goes thru sh!t in life, it dont mean everybody starts throwing sh!t around and complaining, not cleaning up after themselves.

coz trust me, if you continue that behaviour, she'll do one of two things:
1. She'll also start that behaviour, women can do that MUCH better than you can. so dont.
2. She'll feel like she is the man in the relationship and she'll want a REAL man, which = another guy which = divorce.

so BE A MAN!.
Go handle your business.
go home and handle your wife ..
 

penkitten

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you know what... i think you two need a vacation.
when is the last time you got to just take off, just the two of you, with no worries or work for a few days?
i think that if the two of you were to just be able to get away and have a few days to yourselves, you would come home relieved.

you can even talk about some of the issues that the two of you are going through while you are off to yourselves.

when you return, you can each do something around the house and get that place cleaned up, but you should make a point to explain to her exactly how tired you are from work and why you think waiting for an off day is better to get the chores done. however, you would have to both follow through and do your share when the time comes.
 

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pLaYtHiNg

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Seriously, GROW UP! A lot of people feel frustrated with their lives and have anxieties, but instead of taking all of that out on your wife, why don't you sit down and talk to her about how you feel? In most cases I see this as an opportunity to feel closer to my SO, and possibly get more lovin'

You don't have to be "Superman" for your wife all the time. She knows you're not perfect, and neither is she. It's scary for a woman to watch her husband lose control, and she will lose confidence in you eventually.

Also wanted to know 1.) Does she work? And 2.) Do you have children? She may not want children because she feels she's already got one. YOU.

You can actually prevent nagging... by, get this, :D Picking up things around the house on your own recognizance
 

penkitten

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pLaYtHiNg said:
Also wanted to know 1.) Does she work? And 2.) Do you have children?
look at the op's list #7 says he wants kids but she doesn't want them for several years.

in my opinion, if you can't get a handle on what's going on in life and keeping up with the housework with 2 grown adults... children shouldn't be thrown into the mix yet, as we all know they are lots of work.
 
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Analysis said:
Been married for about 2 years...

In a marriage, is it ok to....

1. Express your anxities about the future....Tell your wife your scared about your parents dying, youself dying and her dying....my philosophy is nothing never last...& I recenty started getting depressed upon this realization...

2. Express anxities about moving to another city.....

3. Lose control and throw stuff around the room because your mad at her...

4. Not want to help out w/ the chores because your tired from work....

5. want to have "me time" because your stressed out a work and you don't feel like talking w/ your wife....

6. complain about my job because I'm not making enough money.

7. emphasize to her how much I want children although she wants to wait several years.....

8. Argue w/ her when she nags to me about cleaning up or getting a new job...

Or as a husband, am I just suppose to keep my mouth shut about my feelings....and act smooth all the time....as if nothing is wrong....

why are you asking us whats ok and not ok? are you THAT big of a p*ssy?

your biggest mistake is asking for marriage advice from people who can barely even talk to a girl by the way :)

but i'll help you out real quick, since I know what I'm talking about:

1) absolutely not, do not sound ANXIOUS when talking to your wife about anything, you are not some p*ssy, you are a MAN, but know that every single person in the world will eventually go through this, so don't feel so bad. I've found that I have moments with these thoughts as well, and usually it comes when you are bored and not doing anything.....so make sure to always keep yourself busy with happy things.

2) stop with anxieties, call it "thoughts", stop making yourself sound like a nervous little nerd.

3) total idiot, what the hell????

4) you should not have chores, you are a man.

5) absolutely agree 100%

6) idiot, thats YOUR fault, not your wife's, she doesn't need to hear your whining AFC

7) why do you want children so much? so you can pay child support for them later on?

8) a wife who respects you wont nag you - your marriage is over, end it before its too late, you little p*ssy (just being honest with ya buddy)
 

Captain

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All of that is bad, apart from #5. Many men who are competent at dating turn into an AFC once they are in a relationship, as they don't think they have to keep up their charm to keep the woman. Keep doing what works.

1. I'd advise against it, especially being anxious about one of you dying, since that will not likely happen for a very long time.

2. You can, but it's better not to.

3. No no no! Keep your calm.

4. What Logical said.

5. Do it without calling it "me time". You should be able to do that whenever you want. It's your life, do with it what makes you happy.

6. No! Either don't complain, or get a better job. Do something that makes you happy.

7. You aren't happy enough in this marriage at the moment to have kids. She controls the relationship. She has the power. When women have the power, they lose interest. When you lose your cool, they lose interest.

8. Don't argue, just stop talking and leave her to do it. Don't put up with nagging.

Or as a husband, am I just suppose to keep my mouth shut about my feelings....and act smooth all the time....as if nothing is wrong....
Don't whine or complain, tell it to her through your actions, if that doesn't work, tell her directly, if that doesn't work, leave her. You may say it's hard because you are married - you are supposed to think about this before you get married.
 

Prodigy746

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Honestly looks like you and your wife have too many differences. You should have been talking about those things before you actually got married. Expressing yourself could potentially cause some very big problems, but than again not expressing yourself results in you being miserable. Its a lose lose situation IMO.
 

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Warrior74

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Don't turn into a little bytch man. Handle your issues yourself. Talk to your priest, your closest friend or your mistress! (JK). Heed the advice in this thread or suffer. You already know the right answer or you wouldn't be asking to be honest, you just want permission to bytch out.
 

Rollo Tomassi

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Analysis said:
1. Express your anxities about the future....Tell your wife your scared about your parents dying, youself dying and her dying....my philosophy is nothing never last...& I recenty started getting depressed upon this realization...

2. Express anxities about moving to another city.....

3. Lose control and throw stuff around the room because your mad at her...
No, no and no. Your answer is in the "Lose Control" portion of your questions. You MUST be on top of your game at all times. Does that sound harsh? Welcome to manhood; overemotionalizing and a preoccupation with a need for certain security is what women do, not you. Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. Demonstrate, NEVER explicate. Rather than shaking your wife's confidence in who she married by dwelling on your worries, SHOW her how you're avoiding them. Deal with it. Make her glad she married such a resourceful Man like you.

Analysis said:
4. Not want to help out w/ the chores because your tired from work....

5. want to have "me time" because your stressed out a work and you don't feel like talking w/ your wife....
Welcome to married life. Chores need doing. She may do the laundry, but you need to take care of the lawn. She may do the dishes, but you need to empty the garbage, clean up the dog sh!t, keep the cars maintained, build a cabinet, etc. One horrible double standard women love to gripe about is men doing chores, but it's always "their" chores that are the issue. In the hotel that is your marriage, she's Housekeeping and you are Engineering, got it?

Your "me" time is essential, I'll give you that, but you need to balance it with "us" time with her. You need that time not only for your own interests and passions, but also to set up an independent identity apart from your wife. If she shares those passions, great, but generally it's not likely. Also, "me" time should be constructive, not 4 hours playing World of Warcraft or X Box. If you're taking 2 hours to yourself to write a screenplay or paint or learn a new software, whatever, the impression is that it's constructive. Take your time to better yourself to get that better job you want. Non-constructive "you time" is an insult to her. You may think it's unfair, but that's her perception. The good news is that once you establish this for a while she'll come to respect it.

Analysis said:
6. complain about my job because I'm not making enough money.

7. emphasize to her how much I want children although she wants to wait several years.....
These are complaints. Women complain, men DO. Three things I've learned never to talk about in a conversation of 3 people or more: how sick I've been, how bad my job is, or my sex life. Why? because in the company of 3 or more people I guarantee you that one person has got it worse than you. A lot worse. When you complain about anything (especially your job) you drag your listener into your misery. Don't shake your wife's confidence by forcing her to commiserate with you.

You want children? Begin by becoming the Man she needs you to be first. Complaining is explicating, not demonstrating. Why would she want to have children with a guy who complains so much about his conditions in life that it causes her to question his ability to be a good father?


Analysis said:
8. Argue w/ her when she nags to me about cleaning up or getting a new job...
She nags because she's insecure about her position with you. Is it deconstructive? Yes, but precious few women know how to be encouraging and uplifting with men; their default is to complain and nag - even when you do something right, you'll never make a woman content. So stop trying to. If one grand gesture wont content her, what will arguing about it achieve? Arguing is an attempt to negotiate the terms for her contentment, and that cannot be achieved. You can only ease her security needs in a slow-burn fashion, while bettering yourself. Granted, she shouldn't be 'entitled' to anything, but you need to motivate yourself and demonstrate that you ARE a Man by building a life, a career, etc. that she can appreciate. And then, if not? Then get a divorce attorney.

Analysis said:
Or as a husband, am I just suppose to keep my mouth shut about my feelings....and act smooth all the time....as if nothing is wrong....
Yes, you should. Every word that a woman utters is about her feelings. As much as touchy-feely feminized pop-psychology would like you to believe women "want men to tell them how they feel" this is how women communicate WITH OTHER WOMEN. Women may parrot back the crap that they "want a man in touch with his feminine side", but they NEED a man firmly rooted in his masculine side. So yes, keep your mouth shut and go DO something about what's stressing you. Solve the problem like a MAN, don't complain about a problem like a woman. Demonstrate, NEVER explicate.
 

SharinganUser

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NO to all of them. My father(my hero) has been a closed alpha male for his entire life, he also has a successful marriage of 40+ years. Do you think that is a coincidence?
 

sodbuster

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Having been divorced, All these posters are right. BUT you can't talk anxiety with your wife-ever. If you aren't man enough to deal with your life,she will become the man out of necessity. Once that happens,she won't respect you. That leads to the end. They say they want you to open up,but they don't.

If she works and you work,chores are split. If she doesn't work-she needs to do all the housework.
 
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