In a Dark Place...Help Me Reach the Acceptance Phase

[dankane]

I hear you man. Wishing you well right now. You know how I see it? **** happens between people who try to love each other. The problem is, people make mistakes. Once you break someone's trust, its over. It's a tough pill to swallow. Maybe you made some mistakes. Maybe she made some mistakes. Maybe you two are completely wrong for each other. But sometimes, the what if's are what need to stop.

Absolutely there should be no contact. Especially since she is dating someone else. The best thing you can do is either date someone else to start spinning plates or focus on making yourself better. Because let's face it, if she were that great when it was going on then why'd you cheat? Chances are she wasn't that great, but she was better than nobody. Being alone can mess with your head.

Stay up, but more importantly, stay away.

When its done, its done. You go back? You lose. So you crossed the line man, now keep walking. Walk away, stay away. And not because you think it will give you "power" to bring her back. It's done. You can never go back. Welcome to the acceptance phase .

 

[Cheeks]

I hear you man. Wishing you well right now. You know how I see it? **** happens between people who try to love each other. The problem is, people make mistakes. Once you break someone's trust, its over. It's a tough pill to swallow. Maybe you made some mistakes. Maybe she made some mistakes. Maybe you two are completely wrong for each other. But sometimes, the what if's are what need to stop.

Absolutely there should be no contact. Especially since she is dating someone else. The best thing you can do is either date someone else to start spinning plates or focus on making yourself better. Because let's face it, if she were that great when it was going on then why'd you cheat? Chances are she wasn't that great, but she was better than nobody. Being alone can mess with your head.

Stay up, but more importantly, stay away.

When its done, its done. You go back? You lose. So you crossed the line man, now keep walking. Walk away, stay away. And not because you think it will give you "power" to bring her back. It's done. You can never go back. Welcome to the acceptance phase .

Thanks man, this actually cheered me up a bit.

 

[window]

this is why this forum is good. A lot of guys get in this phase and just dont know how to deal with it...here you can learn from guys who have been through it.

 

[typical]

What are these phases you guys are on about ?

 

[Delly2000]

My friend...it is finished.

Things won't last with the new guy. He is being AFC. It may be okay for awhile but then reality is going to set in and he will turn her off. He is a rebound.

We all been there. If you look at ur past you probably have too. You break up wth a girl but there is always another.

I broke up with good looking girls. And it is never been the case that after, I haven't met someone even better eventually although possibly not right away.

Yes. You honestly did mess up by cheating. Which is probably why she is doing what she is doing. Let that be a lesson. It can't be fixed.

Move on my brother.

 

[Cheeks]

My friend...it is finished.

Things won't last with the new guy. He is being AFC. It may be okay for awhile but then reality is going to set in and he will turn her off. He is a rebound.

We all been there. If you look at ur past you probably have too. You break up wth a girl but there is always another.

I broke up with good looking girls. And it is never been the case that after, I haven't met someone even better eventually although possibly not right away.

Yes. You honestly did mess up by cheating. Which is probably why she is doing what she is doing. Let that be a lesson. It can't be fixed.

Move on my brother.

I have to admit, it would really **** me up if I learn that she is living happily ever after with him. She was often depressed and over-emotional when I was with her. To see her so outwardly happy and motivated after she's kicked me to the curb, and KNOWING that I supported her through the rough times, it is just really hard for me to deal with.

There's hobgoblins in my mind convincing me that this is just her way of punishing me and eventually she'll come around. I know its unhealthy to think this way, and I'm trying to stop. I can't control anything about this situation.

 

[dankane]

Let me tell you a story.

My ex-girlfriend. Her dad died and I was there for her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I put myself aside for her in my best effort to support her through it. But after a while, the lack of appreciation, the lack of intimacy, the lack of what I knew I deserved drove me to lash out at her and we got into the ultimate fight.

So these days, of course I feel guilty. But see, Cheeks, you and I, we aren't bad guys. We just know that we deserve the best that is out there for us. And why is it our fault that these women couldn't treat us how we deserved? I did everything I could for her. I loved her more than anyone will ever know. There were times where I wished I could take every ounce of pain and make it mine. And what did she do?

Well, now she's out there dating some new, fun exciting guy. I'm not even on her mind. You think that's easy to walk away from? No, and its not. But this is why I am giving you advice. Walk away. Don't get into the mentality that you can "get her back." You can get her back, but trust me you don't want to. I got my ex-girlfriend back. It ended in a legal battle. This type of situation is only going to get worse.

Trust me, you made the right choice. Guilt is a funny thing. Redemption is not love.

I think some of the same thoughts you think. Is my girlfriend working with her new boy-toy? Is she happier without me. Maybe she is. But see, these are the wrong thoughts.

I changed and started asking myself am I happier without her? And the answer to that is yes. I am lonely, but at least I don't feel used. At least I don't feel completely ignored and unimportant.

So I don't know how this woman truly made you feel. But I can imagine there is some reason you cheated. People don't just cheat. Maybe you don't want ONE girl. Well then you owe her nothing. Yes it hurts. Yes you may feel guilty.

The one question that saved me from all this pain was "If my dad unexpectedly died tomorrow, who would be there for me?" I can assure you that my ex-girlfriend would not. But I was there for her. That was enough of a character evaluation for me to realize that I was better off without her. That's when moving on starts.

Good luck to you brother. Your not alone.

 

[Cheeks]

Let me tell you a story.

My ex-girlfriend. Her dad died and I was there for her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I put myself aside for her in my best effort to support her through it. But after a while, the lack of appreciation, the lack of intimacy, the lack of what I knew I deserved drove me to lash out at her and we got into the ultimate fight.

So these days, of course I feel guilty. But see, Cheeks, you and I, we aren't bad guys. We just know that we deserve the best that is out there for us. And why is it our fault that these women couldn't treat us how we deserved? I did everything I could for her. I loved her more than anyone will ever know. There were times where I wished I could take every ounce of pain and make it mine. And what did she do?

Well, now she's out there dating some new, fun exciting guy. I'm not even on her mind. You think that's easy to walk away from? No, and its not. But this is why I am giving you advice. Walk away. Don't get into the mentality that you can "get her back." You can get her back, but trust me you don't want to. I got my ex-girlfriend back. It ended in a legal battle. This type of situation is only going to get worse.

Trust me, you made the right choice. Guilt is a funny thing. Redemption is not love.

I think some of the same thoughts you think. Is my girlfriend working with her new boy-toy? Is she happier without me. Maybe she is. But see, these are the wrong thoughts.

I changed and started asking myself am I happier without her? And the answer to that is yes. I am lonely, but at least I don't feel used. At least I don't feel completely ignored and unimportant.

So I don't know how this woman truly made you feel. But I can imagine there is some reason you cheated. People don't just cheat. Maybe you don't want ONE girl. Well then you owe her nothing. Yes it hurts. Yes you may feel guilty.

The one question that saved me from all this pain was "If my dad unexpectedly died tomorrow, who would be there for me?" I can assure you that my ex-girlfriend would not. But I was there for her. That was enough of a character evaluation for me to realize that I was better off without her. That's when moving on starts.

Good luck to you brother. Your not alone.

I appreciate that man. In a way, our situations are a bit different. I was the one soaking up all the love and affection from HER, and though I was never an outright prick to her, I certainly wasn't the smothering, controlling type. I had instilled in myself the whole mindset of always be less into the relatuionship than she is, and now it has bitten back at me hard.

What kills me the most is that despite all her depression, outbursts, and negative outlooks, she was a really decent person that would have been there for me in any situation.

And yes I cheated on her because I was getting bored with the sex. It seems so stupid now, cause the girl I cheated with I can't even bear to look at anymore.

 

[dankane]

Ah, I see. Well, damn then it looks like you lost someone that you really wanted because you cheated. ****. Oh well, at least you learned. But don't make this worse on her by trying to get her back and messing with her. She deserves someone that didn't cheat on her if she is such a great person. I don't know why but I doubt she is. I feel like there is some idealization going on her because shes gone and she may have been a pretty good person to you.

But I don't know much about the situation. Good luck to you either way, moving on is a tough thing to do especially if you feel like you screwed up a great thing.

EDIT

That's what I don't get. This is more about you than her because you like don't want her to be happy with some new guy. So there is jealousy because you can't have her. I felt that same way, but trust me, once you get her back, then it will be the exact same way it was. That's the problem. You get them back because you think you want them and you make the decision that you want her and only her. But once you get her back, the same problems are there and you are realizing that maybe you didn't want her back. Then you have to break her heart again. That's why I always make my decision with a girl and stick to it. I cut it cleanly and never give second chances. It just seems to work better for me that way and I don't get into situations where people get hurt multiple times. I learned the hard way to keep things as crystal clear as possible in terms of closure, not talking anymore, no contact regardless of who is at "Fault" for the breakup.

She could have had wilder sex with you

 

[Delly2000]

The empty feeling is a feeling of loss and because you know she with someone else. So its messing with your self esteem maybe. You are going to find someone else. Let her go. She wont respect you if you try contacting her especially since she knows you know she is with someone else. If she gets tired of him (I think she will because he sounds like an AFC) she may come back to you...but its only because it didn't work out with him and your "safe".

I am not telling you this to give you hope...just giving you a likely scenario. If you get back together you guys will just have the same issues eventually after awhile. I understand you being hurt by her possibly being happy with the new guy. This is normal. On the surface this could look bad. But in the long run its about you being with someone you jive with and makes you happy. Thats how you win. Then when you get over her..which you will...you will hope that she "wins" too. Then it really wouldnt matter.

So my advice is to meet you another great girl and just treat the next one right. Mentally and physically prepare yourself for the next great girl. This one is history. The pain is normal. Use it to acheive your goal.

 

[Cheeks]

The empty feeling is a feeling of loss and because you know she with someone else. So its messing with your self esteem maybe. You are going to find someone else. Let her go. She wont respect you if you try contacting her especially since she knows you know she is with someone else. If she gets tired of him (I think she will because he sounds like an AFC) she may come back to you...but its only because it didn't work out with him and your "safe".

I am not telling you this to give you hope...just giving you a likely scenario. If you get back together you guys will just have the same issues eventually after awhile. I understand you being hurt by her possibly being happy with the new guy. This is normal. On the surface this could look bad. But in the long run its about you being with someone you jive with and makes you happy. Thats how you win. Then when you get over her..which you will...you will hope that she "wins" too. Then it really wouldnt matter.

So my advice is to meet you another great girl and just treat the next one right. Mentally and physically prepare yourself for the next great girl. This one is history. The pain is normal. Use it to acheive your goal.

If things do go wrong with them, and she eventually comes my way again, I'm afraid that I would get involved again. For that to happen with even a remote chance of success, I'm assuming I would have to act like I have absolutely no interest in getting back together and have other plates spinning in the background.

So I guess the answer really is just to move on and cut contact, even though everything in me screams otherwise.

 

[Delly2000]

Well. Don't be too hard on yourself. Live and learn. If she comes back and u feel like getting back with her go ahead. Thats the beauty of free choice. Just keep the advice in the back of your mind given on the forum. From experience when you go back...if u left or if she left it never really works out because the damage is done. I can honestly say it is a waste of time. Time that I could have been spending improving myself and finding the better girl.

BTW. When you come back they honestly look down on you. Although they don't act and even protest otherwise.

 

[Cheeks]

BTW. When you come back they honestly look down on you. Although they don't act and even protest otherwise.

Is this always the case though? Say if I put up a fight and said something like "Look, maybe we can get drinks or something...but I can't get serious with you. Nothing personal, just a matter of self-respect." Is it possible to gradually win back a girl's heart?

I know a lot of time would have to pass because of all the beta moves I pulled when she broke it off, but I seriously cannot just give up on this right now.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I'm going through the same thing at the moment: ie a woman leaving me for another (see thread I'm about to post).
I've been chain smoking for two weeks, sitting up all night sighing to myself and shaking my head wondering why she would treat me that way, wanting to punch her in the face and tell her she's nothing but a selfish c*nt.
But trust me, the pain WILL go away.
Every day is another step towards sanity, peace and closure.
I work with her, too, so it's bloody tough seeing her every day, walking around laughing with co-workers like nothing's wrong while I'm living a gut wrenching personal hell of disrupted sleep, not eating and a pang in my chest that just won't go away.
Trust in the forums and seek solace from your brothers here. The hardest thing in the world is to get your pride back but you have to make a conscious effort.
What's your posture like when you walk around? Stick that chest out, shoulders back, hold your head up and stride confidently.
Accept that she's made a choice that suits her at this point in her life and that's something everyone has to do in their lives - even at the expense of the significant others in our lives.
Most importantly, aim to become the man she wishes she could have and who she'll kick herself over for a long time to come.
Get fit, tone up, save some coin and buy yourself nice things or go on a trip.
I know I'll take great comfort in having my ex-girl look at me one day and think to herself: "Damn, why did I let that go....."

 

[Cheeks]

I'm going through the same thing at the moment: ie a woman leaving me for another (see thread I'm about to post).
I've been chain smoking for two weeks, sitting up all night sighing to myself and shaking my head wondering why she would treat me that way, wanting to punch her in the face and tell her she's nothing but a selfish c*nt.
But trust me, the pain WILL go away.
Every day is another step towards sanity, peace and closure.
I work with her, too, so it's bloody tough seeing her every day, walking around laughing with co-workers like nothing's wrong while I'm living a gut wrenching personal hell of disrupted sleep, not eating and a pang in my chest that just won't go away.
Trust in the forums and seek solace from your brothers here. The hardest thing in the world is to get your pride back but you have to make a conscious effort.
What's your posture like when you walk around? Stick that chest out, shoulders back, hold your head up and stride confidently.
Accept that she's made a choice that suits her at this point in her life and that's something everyone has to do in their lives - even at the expense of the significant others in our lives.
Most importantly, aim to become the man she wishes she could have and who she'll kick herself over for a long time to come.
Get fit, tone up, save some coin and buy yourself nice things or go on a trip.
I know I'll take great comfort in having my ex-girl look at me one day and think to herself: "Damn, why did I let that go....."

Wow, that's pretty ****ty that you have to work with this girl. You have my sympathy.

I've been watching clips of alpha male movies/tv shows to try and get out of this "win her back" mindset.

I think what's really making me cling to false hope is that I'm the "jerk" who lost out to the "nice guy", which flies in the face and contradicts all the other "how do i get my ex back" threads out there.

I mean she even told me that this guy is "really really sweet". Maybe she's just an attention ***** who is soaking up all his affection after "depriving" herself for so long with me.

And when I tried to "make it work" with her after she dumped me, I showed some serious incongruence and reactionary behavior.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I did the same thing.
She apologised to me and begged to see me so we could work it out. I resisted for four days but relented last Saturday thinking I'd give it another go with her and be happy.
Anyway, we get talking and she suddenly tells me she's decided she doesn't actually want to get back together with me after having a good think about it, and left me feeling even worse.
But it was more anger, outrage and disbelief than the pain of losing someone I had feelings for. My pride had been hurt because I was willing to give her the chance she had begged for and then she turned me down.
Women are fuked, they're selfish, they're mercenary and they almost ALWAYS are thinking about themselves.
Be angry, be sad, have regrets but accept that she has made a choice that she must now live with.
It's easy to say "move on" but just know the pain will go and you will move on. Maybe think of this experience as setting you up to make the next relationship the one for you.

 

[Cheeks]

Wow, I thought I was stronger than this. Today I was sitting in a class I'm attending and noticed my hands visibly shaking. My breath cut short. I had to walk out and drive home in a daze.

I feel pathetic, hopeless, angry, and guilty all at once. And the fact that she couldn't care less just makes it so much worse. I'm 27 years old and can't even bring myself to do the laundry right now. I need someone to either kick my ass or throw me in a padded room.

 

[st_99]

Wow, I thought I was stronger than this. Today I was sitting in a class I'm attending and noticed my hands visibly shaking. My breath cut short. I had to walk out and drive home in a daze.

I feel pathetic, hopeless, angry, and guilty all at once. And the fact that she couldn't care less just makes it so much worse. I'm 27 years old and can't even bring myself to do the laundry right now. I need someone to either kick my ass or throw me in a padded room.

someday you'll laugh about all this. im not kidding.

 

[dankane]

Stay up bro,

Every day is a new day.

Don't let her get to you because these are days you will never get back and to live them in a negative state of mind because of her is not a good way to spend them.

All of us are dealing with the same thing.

We've all been hurt, left in the dust and tried to move on.

But the point is, we are all LUCKY

Why one when you can have ALL? Maybe its because we don't truly believe that we can have all, but that's on you.

You were settling, I was settling. It wasn't what we TRULY wanted in a partner.

 

[Kailex]

She's a single mom.

You'll get over her as soon as you start getting out there and dating new women.

Personally, I think you dodged a bullet. You just don't know it yet.