Im married and it aint easy

[Ceaserofnone]

I got married last year and for the most part its been okay.

However, my situation is not looking too good atm.

My wife and i are constantly arguing to the point chit hits the fan. I can get pretty violent and hot headed.

Anyways, recently weve decided that when chit gets bad, we should both just let it go. If one is angry, the other just walks out.

However, it seems its only me whos doing this. Ive handled the situations without letting it get out of hand but theres no reciprocation from her end. Due to this, only just today i lost my chit.

In the early parts of the relationship, it was me who had issues with her. Now its the other way round. She always has something to argue about.Be it the smallest of things.

I dont want my relationship to be toxic but it seems to be going down that road.

 

[SW15]

Coronavirus is likely to cause a spike in divorces. There are a lot of reasons for it.

If the marriage is going down the tubes, just make sure she doesn't get pregnant. A childless divorce is a simple divorce because you may never have to see the other person again if your city is a reasonably sized city.

Don't waste too much time in a bad relationship.

 

[Mbuckets82]

How long you know each other before marriage?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is called two people who have no communication skills trying to make something work that requires great communication skills.

Either you better work on learning them really quickly or you are doomed. Running away from them isn't the answer and will only make them worse as it never actually solves the problem which neither of you seem able.or willing to communicate properly.

You can only hide from the truth for so long and you seem to be nearing the end of that time period.

At the end of the day this simply seems like two people who had lots of issues prior to getting married who never should have gotten married that got married.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

You see each other to much. Your losing respect for each other and just common affection.
More space bro.

Ive been thinking the same thing. Theres been times where shes went to her aunties/mums for a while to cool things off. After her return 1 weeks later the issues re-open.

She is from a family that are thrift spenders. They arent rich but they have low value for money in that theyll spend everything they earn.
Im not like that AT ALL. Infact, there are many things she wants that i have capped her on because i cant afford right now. I believe this is harming the relationship a lot but im young and have aspirations to do big things.She is on board with me but it still becomes an issue.

I will say though that i can spend too much time with her. I think that can be the issue. I get too comfortable at times.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

This is called two people who have no communication skills trying to make something work that requires great communication skills.

Either you better work on learning them really quickly or you are doomed. Running away from them isn't the answer and will only make them worse as it never actually solves the problem which neither of you seem able.or willing to communicate properly.

You can only hide from the truth for so long and you seem to be nearing the end of that time period.

At the end of the day this simply seems like two people who had lots of issues prior to getting married who never should have gotten married that got married.

I concede that I lack communication skills as I have a short temper.

How can one be good at communicating without becoming a ''yes'' man?
Genuine question.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

How long you know each other before marriage?

4 years but it was LDR

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I concede that I lack communication skills as I have a short temper.

How can one be good at communicating without becoming a ''yes'' man?
Genuine question.

You listen, you validate that you understand how she is feeling and that she has a right to feel that way and then you say "But this is how I feel when you do that..." And then explain your point of view

The problem when people get into these conflicts is that they make the other person feel their viewpoint is not valid and wrong instead of listening to what they say, validating their feelings about it and THEN saying what your issues are. This makes the other person get defensive and shut down which then makes it pointless as to what you are going to say because they have the same attitude towards you almost by default.

Try it once. You might be shocked at the result.

This doesn't make you weak it makes you a good listener.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

You listen, you validate that you understand how she is feeling and that she has a right to feel that way and then you say "But this is how I feel when you do that..." And then explain your point of view

The problem when people get into these conflicts is that they make the other person feel their viewpoint is not valid and wrong instead of listening to what they say, validating their feelings about it and THEN saying what your issues are.

Try it once. You might be shocked at the result.

This doesn't make you weak it makes you a good listener.

I have done this on a few occasions and it works wonders. My issue is the patience that is needed to constantly do it. My wife can be relentless at times.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I concede that I lack communication skills as I have a short temper.

How can one be good at communicating without becoming a ''yes'' man?
Genuine question.

control that temper. You have the penis so you must be the bigger person. Don’t argue with women. Listen to them, agree and move on. Be judicious in what you make your stand on “pick your battles.” Some things aren’t worth the argument, so you’re better off going along with it for good will and to advance things (we call this a gambit in chess).

Unfortunately this marriage is doomed. You mentioned a bigger problem than you realize - money. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. I’d start looking for an attorney...

 

[Ceaserofnone]

control that temper. You have the penis so you must be the bigger person. Don’t argue with women. Listen to them, agree and move on. Be judicious in what you make your stand on “pick your battles.” Some things aren’t worth the argument, so you’re better off going along with it for good will and to advance things (we call this a gambit in chess).

Unfortunately this marriage is doomed. You mentioned a bigger problem than you realize - money. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. I’d start looking for an attorney...

Too true.

Im doing what I can to get out of the position I am in. Looking for 2 jobs. Save up and open a chicken shop.

She knows this and has said shell stick by me. However, the issues are always arising regarding finances. I believe I can fix this issue before its too late but thats me hoping.

 

[SW15]

4 years but it was LDR

4 years is about the time that a lot of monogamous romantic relationships diminish in quality.

Marrying after 3 years, much of it long distance, was not the most brilliant idea. Long distance relationships artificially skew reality.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She is from a family that are thrift spenders. They arent rich but they have low value for money in that theyll spend everything they earn.
Im not like that AT ALL. Infact, there are many things she wants that i have capped her on because i cant afford right now. I believe this is harming the relationship a lot but im young and have aspirations to do big things.She is on board with me but it still becomes an issue.

I missed this part. So basically you had NO BUSINESS marrying this woman. You are simply financially incompatible no matter how good other parts of the relationship are. There are a few things in a marriage that are pretty much non-negotiable and being financially compatible to at least some degree is one of them. I am not saying you have to be exactly the same but you have to at least meet near the middle. You seem to be continually trying to prevent it being 90% her in that way at 10% you. That's never going to work. You do want you want but unless you can get her of her own volition to meet you in the middle on that and not continuously try and pull you back to 90% her side this is a giant waste of time and you should have known better from the beginning.

 

[HyenaPrince]

You have to get out of there for short periods of time man. If the situation in your state allows it, you should go out by yourself or with friends and enjoy some evenings away from her, even if she starts nagging - hell, that would even be a good sign. This way she'll start to value your time again. After you've established some respect and a feeling of scarcity on her part again, you can set up 2-3 date nights per week. Not more.

Date nights meaning, going out to do something fun. I'm not talking about expensive restaurants here. Go for a picnic in the park. Go for a hike. Arrange something creative that gets her heart pumping.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

You have that right. She shouldn't spend 1 cent of your earnings unless you give her permission. I agree with you.

Thats not a space issue but a responsibility issue

Just say no. Let her flip out. Stay calm unless she physically assaults you.

What country do you 2 live in?? Ages?

I live in the UK and im in my late 20's.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

If space don't work and with this differences in principles you maybe looking at divorce.
Is your wife from England or did she immigrate to England. You said it was an LDR?

Shes from the UK too. Her principles and mine are very similar. Shes also willing to sacrifice for now as I work my way up. However its still an issue on small things. Shes a woman so she acts on her current emotion.

 

[backseatjuan]

My wife and i are constantly arguing to the point chit hits the fan. I can get pretty violent and hot headed.

She is controlling you and you don't like that. That's in way is misandry - wiki - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misandry
It's also called getting fcked by wife with strap on, she is the man in your relationship.
As you can understand, further down this road leads to exactly this type of scenario, and of course eventual divorce.

Anyways, recently weve decided that when chit gets bad, we should both just let it go. If one is angry, the other just walks out.

You are walking out like a btch, I don't see your wife walking out. Unless it's a setup thing and she has to go with girl on girl's night out, hook up and sht.

In the early parts of the relationship, it was me who had issues with her. Now its the other way round. She always has something to argue about.Be it the smallest of things.

A lot of women are sick with misandry. You have to be aware of that and catch it early on.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

According to your OP you are not financially. This tells me you are rationalizing her behavior to avoid a divorce.
Thats a bad position to be in.

They all do. This might be a point in your life that needs a really hard look at the decisions you are currently making.
Late 20s living a contentious woman. Secs isnt even enough to make up for this.
Im going to venture to guess you have to ask her for secs too?
Something seems off. Let us know how it turns out but i certainly would have divorce close to the top.

Na secs SHE asks for bro.

The last 3 times we have had a problem, I have had a feeling its been because shes waited for secs and something came up. The 1st time, she got ready for me, i went out and came back with her all up and p1ssed.

2nd time same thing, she gets ready for secs and I made her wait. She gets mad and makes an argument.

3rd time, she got ready again , this time she was slightly tired but i was very much. Next morning theres a problem.

 

[Ceaserofnone]

She is controlling you and you don't like that. That's in way is misandry - wiki - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misandry
It's also called getting fcked by wife with strap on, she is the man in your relationship.
As you can understand, further down this road leads to exactly this type of scenario, and of course eventual divorce.


You are walking out like a btch, I don't see your wife walking out. Unless it's a setup thing and she has to go with girl on girl's night out, hook up and sht.


A lot of women are sick with misandry. You have to be aware of that and catch it early on.

Hardly. Everything is pretty much on my terms:

- She doesnt work because i want her to be house wife
- She gets paid pocket monies every month
- hardly wear make up because im against it
- cooks and cleans and sets my clothes up

Everything pretty much happens on my terms. However, its been difficult as I see her rebelling it atm. Im not letting off and its causing issues.

 

[bat soup]

I got married last year and for the most part its been okay.

However, my situation is not looking too good atm.

My wife and i are constantly arguing to the point chit hits the fan. I can get pretty violent and hot headed.

Anyways, recently weve decided that when chit gets bad, we should both just let it go. If one is angry, the other just walks out.

However, it seems its only me whos doing this. Ive handled the situations without letting it get out of hand but theres no reciprocation from her end. Due to this, only just today i lost my chit.

In the early parts of the relationship, it was me who had issues with her. Now its the other way round. She always has something to argue about.Be it the smallest of things.

I dont want my relationship to be toxic but it seems to be going down that road.

My advice would be to get a divorce. It's not working, is it? Why wait until it gets so bad that you end up getting hurt?