I'm going to make it. My story.

[LearningSlowly]

Nice journal. Keep it on and no need to beat yourself up. We all do sometimes, but in the end it doesn't help at all. I also read like hell sometimes... and I don't take many opportunities to practice for real. Okay I'm leaving now haha

I'll keep reading your journal sometimes. It's interesting to see how you progress. And thanks for your post on my little Journal

Thanks man. I'll definitely keep reading if you keep writing. And I really love seeing new posts on my thread.

I had a bad, boring weekend. But mentally I'm in a good place. I realized that this past week or two was a 'recession.' A time of stagnancy, which is necessary to help me reach a new period of growth. This rapping thing at school is the start of something bigger, I need to catch the vibe and roll with it. Look for success in the coming weeks.

Here are some text conversations.

From last night:
(To a girl I slept with already. Wrote about it in the journal.)
Me: Hey, what are you up to later?
Her: Busy
Me: K

(To an ugly girl I flirt with sometimes)
Me: Incredibly late notice, excuse me. Would you happen to be free? (10:40 pm)
Her: Well hello there. Its [mutual friend] i have [her] phone. Whats up?
Her: Hey its me im with [mutual friend] obviously haha what are u doing
Me: Really nothing. Was with [mutual friend] cause [group trip she knows about] got back, but bored now.
Her: Josh mother****ing [last]... You bad boy (wait... what?)
Me: Whos this coming from?
Her:Me
Me: Well thats a big accusation then
Her: You mad?
Me: Very mad. Whats your evidence?
Her: I can just tell you're a dirty boy
Me: Lol. I think we should see if thats true in real life. Where in [my city] are you?
Her: Im at [mutual friend's] haha
Me: I dont know what that means
Her: Im at her house how much more clear can I be aha
Me: Didnt answer my question. Think you could hang out tonight?
Her: Im gonna be with her the rest of the night soooo
Me: Sooo no? Cool. Have a fun night!
Her: Haha thanks

She wanted to sext. I aint really into that. Porn is better than you and mb isn't worth it.

Texted a friend-zone girl with no response.
Me: Hey, what are you up to? Up for a joint and good conversation?

At least I tried last night.

So TODAY, had a really exciting conversation with a girl, Mel. I've talked about her before, had the weird talk with her the other night.

Her: Heyy. I need to talk to you about something really importantt
Me: Go
Her: Uhmm well. I'm coming to [my city] in 11 days...
Me: you amaze me
Her: Haha I was gonna surprise you and adam but I told him sooo I thought I would tell you tooo
(skipping a little.)
Me: I wish you had told me but im so excited
Her: Haha well now you know!
Me: How long do i get to keep you? 2 days?
Her: Im there thursday to sunday
Me: Cool. No time to sneak around then (our friends didnt know we hooked up)
Her: haha i told adam i wanted to see you haha he has a girl friend anyways
(conversation continued a little further. Nothing worth mentioning.)

I'm definitely going to have sex with this girl :rock:

 

[novaknight]

Way to see a player lose that v-chip. Mad props.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Way to see a player lose that v-chip. Mad props.

Haven't had it since sophomore year, lol. Thanks though, it'll be her first time.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Hey guys! Nothing new to report (shoulda gone to a school basketball game tonight. Kicking myself for not doing it). BUT I need some advice.

I'm really good at ceramics. During my art period (I take Advanced Studio Art, but stay in the ceramics room away from everyone else) there used to be a Ceramics I class full of sophomores. They admired me, I'm sure the girls thought I was hot.

There were 3 girls worth considering of that group. One of them, the hottest, I asked some direct question to, she answered in the "us" sense. She used to date another senior, I have a feeling she isn't interested. The next hottest may have been interested, but I would never have had the chance to ask her out, and I've seen her with other sophomore guys. The last, is most "my type." She's blonde and cute, but nothing special. My school is small, word spreads quickly. If I make a move then quickly everyone will know. I haven't publicly gotten with a girl from my school since sophomore year.

Should my first girl be an average sophomore? I know I could get an average girl in my grade, should I hook up with her first? I have a basic facebook message already written to send to the sophomore. She would immediately tell her friends though.

Anyway, that's a side concern. May talk with Megan this week, don't think I'm going to ask her out for this weekend, since she said no for last weekend. Giving all my other girls a break. May reignite some old, dormant connections.

Here's a rap:
Looking through all these girls, gotta find the ones who will blow my world.
And then blow my d!ck. Oh wait, I can't say that sh!t,
It gets censored. I don't need a real-life mentor,
I've got sosuave, guys getting girls like fvcking is their job.
Stay on top. Keep smoking pot.

I'm out.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Went shopping today with my mom and sister. Got new clothes and cologne. I've known that smell is part of attraction for a long time but haven't bothered to do anything about it til now.
Noticed that there are cute girls around the mall, even on a Wednesday. I pass a mall on the way to school, I'll have to start going after school and working on my approaches. BPH and Mindgamez, Im coming for you.

Broke my mb. Mel comes in 8 days, I'll be good til then.

No one said anything about my rap... Oh well, have another.

My other rap got no respect. At least no one dissed it, I'd be coming for their neck.
**** masturbation, gotta keep myself in check. Gonna start hunting malls, looking for some sex.

 

[ohbe]

You rap tight bro, would love to see footage of a freestyle battle or something, quite a fan of it cause it's really uncommon in Europe.

 

[LearningSlowly]

You rap tight bro, would love to see footage of a freestyle battle or something, quite a fan of it cause it's really uncommon in Europe.

Thanks dude, I'll try to make that happen.

I usually go completely off my head, with rhymes that I'm familiar with (not necessarily in the same sentences) but I'm trying to get some punchlines so I've been writing tonight. Here's some lines I might memorize. Feel free to use em if you're ever in a lunchroom rap battle.

If you keep on with that stupid talk I'll hit you with a tomahawk. Climbing to the top like Jack up the beanstalk. Yeah... That's right. And I never beg, I got the goose with the golden eggs. And my two golden eggs just got your girl to spread her legs.
(On tomahawk, Atlanta Braves tomahawk hand sign.)

You could say that I'm idealistic. Haters tell me I'm wrong, but I try not to listen. All these girls kissing me, wipe off the lipstick. Not off my mouth, just off of my D!CK.

I'm out.

 

[ohbe]

Sweet. I can come up with good punchlines in my head but I'm really worried about my delivery plus theres a chance I might scramble up while talking cause it's not my native language and I don't "feel it" as much.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

My Rap Fvckers

I drop cvnts like Skrillex drops the bass
Come here mofo n I'll give you taste
I'm the toughest opponent you'll ever face
Lyrics so deadly like they're poison laced

So

Fvcker, I'm the master
Everything you do, I do faster
Stamina to out last ya
And I gave your girlfriend more orgasms than....
Italys got pasta.

Aussie rap yer.

 

[LearningSlowly]

I drop cvnts like Skrillex drops the bass
Come here mofo n I'll give you taste
I'm the toughest opponent you'll ever face
Lyrics so deadly like they're poison laced

So

Fvcker, I'm the master
Everything you do, I do faster
Stamina to out last ya
And I gave your girlfriend more orgasms than....
Italys got pasta.

Aussie rap yer.

YEAHHH SON. Dope ****.

I'm realizing the only classes I care about are Art and Creative Writing. Beasted in CW today. My poem was a hundred times better than any others, there was almost no criticism of it.

Went to the mall after school today. The wrong one though. It's a really expensive mall, mostly draws old ladies. Only place worth it in there is the movie theater. It was pretty empty, I walked around and saw only one target I could have opened (and even she looked about 22). Had a nice chat with the girl handing out tea samples though. There's another mall across the street that'll probably have more options (some towns only have one mall... weird...). It was raining pretty hard though so I left, but I'll be back at it soon.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Second post for the day. Here's something I wrote today for CW. Gives you a taste of what I'm doing in that class.

Show Off

“Fvck you, I’ll shoot you, I got guns with triggers
Blah, blah, blah, then something about niggas.”

White boys shouldn’t say that, but go figure.
He heard it on the weekend, while messing up his liver.
I’ll wait, hear the cliche punch-line he delivers:
“Yeah, I beat you! And my d!ck is bigger!”

Now it’s my turn.
I’m about to show off these skills I’ve earned.
Just a shame it’s gotta be against this fool,
Strung some rhymes together so he thinks he’s cool.
Not sure what I’ll say, but time for ignorance to get schooled.

“Alright little dude, let me show you that the kingpin** rules.
Your daddy was an a.ss, and you’re a fvcking mule.
Mama was a horse, hell, I’ll hop in the saddle.
And ride her all day ‘til this little rap battle.
I didn’t even wanna do this, but I was provoked.
You didn’t see me coming, all the other posers choked.
Let me tell a secret, to all these cheering folk,
He’s not being funny, he’s the only joke.
When I saw you on the mic, thinking you’re untouchable,
I saw a little boy with his trike and his lunchables.
So now I’ll devise a line to cut you down to size.
You’re acting like a baby, so let’s see if you cry,
When I let you know that your d!ck is undersized.”

I won it. Loving all the cheers and the glory.
Seeing shapes in the clouds, a new pattern forming.
Hope it’s gonna last, looking for a sign or a warning.
But this too will pass, clear air in the morning.

These people forget that the mic is my crown.
So I retreat back to rhyming and the solace I’ve found.
Keep on dealing with these blowhards that keep on pushing me around.
And all this constant bull**** has been getting me down.

Whatever, would have been worse if I lost.
Only way to improve is by bearing this cross.

**kingpin replaced my rapping name, which includes my last name.

 

[LearningSlowly]

THERE ARE NO PARTIES TO GO TO. This will probably be the second weekend in a row without a significant event. **** THIS. I'm in such a good place, why can't I share it with people??? About to text Megan, I'll see what she's up to.

Would show you a text conversation with Mel but I deleted it. Basically I started by being nice and it didn't work. So I had to challenge her and that went a little better. I'll be trying to (teasingly) challenge my girls for the next couple weeks, see how it goes.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Sup guys?? I'm a PVSSY!!!

Went to the other mall after school today. There aren't many kids in there at 3:45 on a Tuesday, but I still walked around for a little while. There were plenty of older people, not nearly as empty as the other mall. I saw 3 possible sets, didn't open ANY. Woooo!

First was a starbucks girl, looked like she was on break, reading a magazine. Could have at least tried for a warm up set, even though she was probably 20 or so.

Next was two asian girls, both looked high school aged. Passed them by, didn't open. I'm a *****.

And when I finally decided to leave, I couldn't find the right exit. When I finally did, two girls were heading the same way. I ended up following them for about a minute, and I'm sure they noticed. I felt awkward, but should have jumped onto that awkwardness for my opener, "Hey, don't worry, I'm not following you guys haha"

Saying ANYTHING would have been better than nothing.

I need to keep going to that mall. Waiting for this bootcamp to start, I'm excited to push myself.

 

[BPH]

THERE ARE NO PARTIES TO GO TO

Welcome to my world

EDIT: Screwed up the quoting...still carries the point

 

[LearningSlowly]

I sent a piece to my writing teacher that described a girl sexually, in the setting of a poetry reading over which he presided. He advised me to ask her out. I told him (truthfully) that the girl was imaginary. He wrote back "So create her in real life"

Interesting advice.

Mel comes in town today. I won't see her til tomorrow.
Texting with her went badly last night:
Her: I'm coming tomorroww. Remember?
Me: I know I was gonna text you about it what time?
Her: Hah sureeeee. And 6:30
Me: Think youre gonna be busy with Adam tomorrow?
Her: Probablyy I'm sure we'll do dinner and ill just be with the fam
Me: Alright ill wait til Friday to see you then
Her: I guess soooo

I didn't know what to say. Left some time then:
Me: Night babe looking forward to when you jump up and down for me
(refers back to one time I asked her if she ever jumps up and down in front of a mirror to watch her boobs bounce. She said she wouldn't for me, I was expecting a "Not gonna happen " but no response.)

I need to be sexual and direct and obvious with that, but also restrain myself a lot. I know her well enough to know that she'll get bored if it's too easy.

My mindset tomorrow will be: How is she feeling right now? Then decide to mirror it or change it. I can't think about myself, it's all about stimulating her mood.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Realized something about my Mel situation. I was being incongruent. If I'm a confident man, why have I not told Adam that I have and will again hook up with her. So I told him. He was a little mad (he shows that by getting more distant) and I basically maintained a peaceful attitude, but firmly stated that I was going to see her a lot this weekend. I offered not to hook up with her in his house, and I won't.

Text her after:
Me: Hey Adam knows, by the way. Hope youre enjoying Atlanta, see you tomorrow
Her: Did you tell him? Hah and okkk
Me: Yeah. Sall good.
Her: Alrightyyy. See ya tomorroww

It's simple, but that's all I needed. I have a good, honest feeling going about this girl. I think I'll pick her up tomorrow, take her to the mall I've been trying to game at. Then saturday I'll go for my house and the fvck-close. Expect some one-on-one reports coming up. And then next weekend I'll be up in a college town, so that'll be fun too. I'll keep you posted.

EDIT: Oh and I'm going NC with Megan. I was too needy. On to the next one.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Yeah man. Perceptive. That helped me out in fact.

For me, I'm withdrawn verbally and agressive physically or vise versa. Just anything to confuse her and throw up as much wmotional charge and sexual tension as possible. Make **** clash.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Yeah man. Perceptive. That helped me out in fact.

For me, I'm withdrawn verbally and agressive physically or vise versa. Just anything to confuse her and throw up as much wmotional charge and sexual tension as possible. Make **** clash.

Methods aside. I need serious guidance on this. I don't know whether to break my morality to tack another one up in the "sex" column.

Adam was pissed. I don't care, fvck that kid. He didn't make a move, I did, I win.

In the interest of full disclosure, I also told a friend, Alex, who used to date her. He was very mad. Went off on me over a phonecall about how it was shady of me to hide it from him for a year, how I was a ****ty friend, especially for telling him I would do it again this weekend. He doesn't want to talk to me until he sees fit.

I saw a lot of truth in what he said. Is this girl worth it? She'll be gone after the weekend, but sex would be guaranteed.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Called it off with Mel. I don't expect to talk to her ever again.

It was a hard decision. Ended up going with my gut and my morals. It felt wrong to me, I knew I would be mad if I were in Alex's position. And I knew that while I may have made the wrong decision, having sex with her had a lot more potential for regret. One of the worst feelings to have is regret, I chose to avoid it.

I think the mark of a real man is to know when to unshakeably pursue sex, and also when to let it pass by. I hope I made the right decision today.

I was contacted by an old number. She's fat. I went NC after pestering her to hang out a lot. I don't think I ever wrote about her, maybe I did very close to the beginning of the journal. Maybe I'll fvck her as a consolation prize.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

^ I wish I had of made that choice. I went with the sex, I regret it and lost a great friend. Fml.

Don't *u** a fat chick.