I'm 28 and girlfriend wants to get engaged...

[RedPill]

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would be heading for the exit.

Why:

1) This will be the underlying dynamic between your interactions with each other from here on out until you submit or split.
2) She has marriage as a goal. The man is just a commodity in her eyes.
3) The demonstrated attempts at manipulation now make all her positive attributes suspect.
4) Not only does she have a marriage agenda, she also has a baby agenda. Double whammy. I wouldn't even feel comfortable making fukk to her if I knew she was playing the hurry-up offense.
5) The precedent this sets for the rest of your relationship is awful.

But hey, I'm just an internet meme, so what do I know?

 

[Nutz]

^^^ This.

Watch the movie Love Stinks and start listing to some Tom Leykis. The answer will become clear rather quickly what's going on with her.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It is important that she profess to love you more than the idea of simply being married. If she wants a husband more than she wants you, then there are better girls out there for you. That is what most guys here are telling you.

I would lay down the law about that to her. Tell it to her straight out that you want her to love you more than the idea of simply being married. If she can't accept that and walks away, oh well. She was a b!tch about it anyway.

Here is where my advice will differ, though. If I were you, I would wait until I saw her really accept that I was not proposing any time soon and profess to love me more than the idea of being married - both in words and in the bedroom.

Then, when I saw that, I would pull out a ring and propose. That's what I would do if I were you. If she stays after you say no, then she deserves the ring.

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

There's some great comments here. Just make sure you don't buckle under all the pressure. Some guys in your position give in and get married because they're too insecure and don't think they're good enough to find another girl like the one they're with. They usually regret it. Don't be that guy.

Are you in love? Is she not happy with how things are because she wants a family, or is someone pressuring her too?

 

[VictorK]

The quality of feeback i am reading is very helpful. Thank you to all those who have shared their advice with me.

Mr. Me

Excellent tip on positioning when talking to my g/f. You are indeed right, and I will use this tactic from now on when discussing our friendship stage. Your point on caring vs goals is so true. If she walks then I know she wanted a marriage rather then she wanted me. I chased this girl for many years, but at the same time, i didnt lose my dignity to cave in. I have been following your advice since you've posted your thoughts when i started this topic. I really appreciate your insight.

Da Realist

I think these forums can provide some solid insight, especially because we are clouded with anonymity. No one knows me or has a perception of me, thus aren't biased on prejudging sterotypes or notions on who i am or what am about. Thus there opinions/advice are solely based on the situation, and not confused with other factors. Of course its my life, but gaining insight from others who have gone through what i am, is a positive situation for me to leverage their experiences.

Amoka

I commend you for letting your g/f go if your goals werent alligned. I indeed to do want to get married someday, but for me its not about a set age, its about when it feels right. Just because I will be 30 years old in 2 years, doesn't mean a clock in my head rings and says its time to get married. Would I want to be married by 30? Perhaps...but I don't want to be married if i don't feel right because I haven't had enough time to grow in the relationship

RedPill,

Although this push to get engaged is not positive...i do believe she really cares for me. She has supported me through my toughest challenges and is a constant positive light in my life. She possesses many amazing qualities and i am happy to be with her. She meets Mr. Me's checklist but i do believe that if she decides to leave me because im not ready to get engaged...then i'll know everything she built up with us, wasnt real...it was all with an agenda.

I am closely monitering her, to see if this style of actions spreads through other areas of our relationship. As of this moment, she is very easy to get along with, aside from when we argue about the married issue.

Nutz

I will check that movie out...thanks

Bible Belt

Thanks for the insight. If she does stay with me even if i am not ready on her 'timeline' then it does show that she would choose to be with me even when it doesn't meet her expectations of marriage. Then shes a keeper

TheBucketofTruth

I do love her. She is the first girl I have ever loved really...but in saying that, I don't feel the 'you know when you know' feeling. I think thats because I dont really have any experience other then her. Ive dated about a dozen girls in my life, but nothing serious like this one. I think she is putting pressure on herself because she always thought she would be married by 30. Her friends (some who are younger) are also starting to get married/engaged, so i guess like any woman she is comparing herself to them.

 

[Da Realist]

I can respect that. Good luck because I've basically been there and it put a strain on my relationship because more time was spent with her wearing about a ring instead of just us enjoying being with each other. If the engagement means more to her than just being happy being with you, then you should re-evaluate things.

 

[jafyk]

There's no comfort in my comment but here's what I'd like to say. Men have their Point of view and goals so do women. When a man's goals or timing doesn't match that of a woman's the women say he's wrong and vice-versa with the guy. Why is always for the most part my way or the high way? Women at their core are relationship beings (this doesn't just apply with man) men love to be free and independent (which goes against what women want). So, when a woman wants something based on her nature is she wrong then? What I hear from this whole post is that if a woman doesn't play by the guy's rule she's wrong. Don't get me wrong the cases presented here are reasonable. I guess my question is if we were to be open minded to see her view is she truly wrong?

 

[Jesus]

There's no comfort in my comment but here's what I'd like to say. Men have their Point of view and goals so do women. When a man's goals or timing doesn't match that of a woman's the women say he's wrong and vice-versa with the guy. Why is always for the most part my way or the high way? Women at their core are relationship beings (this doesn't just apply with man) men love to be free and independent (which goes against what women want). So, when a woman wants something based on her nature is she wrong then? What I hear from this whole post is that if a woman doesn't play by the guy's rule she's wrong. Don't get me wrong the cases presented here are reasonable. I guess my question is if we were to be open minded to see her view is she truly wrong?

And if the guy doesn't play by the woman's rules he's wrong?

Fact is, she is wrong, because she apparently doesn't understand that marriage should be a two-way decision based on what both partners want, not something to force on her partner because of her own selfish needs despite how he feels about how he wants to spend his life.

 

[Phyzzle]

There's something off about the math. You met her, she was with her boyfriend for 15 months, then getting over her boyfriend for 6 months, then you ignored her for 12 months, then she was gone for 12 months, and now she's been back for 7. That's about 4 and a half years, not 3 and a half.

Anyways, it is a little soon to start pushing for marriage, but not by much. Lots of people your age get engaged after being in a relationship for a year. In this sort of situation, when a woman is pushing me for some sort of commitment, I think it's fair to give her some sort of time range.

Do you truly think that you won't be ready for marriage until you're 31? Then you should tell her exactly that. Don't play dumb and be like, "I will be ready either in a few months or in a few years or in a few decades or in a few nevers, but I don't know, and I don't know when I will know, and I don't know if I will ever know when I'll know what I don't know." That's kind of annoying.

But anyways, 2 years of a real, monogamous relationship where you really are seeing each other (not texting or emailing) is a pretty reasonable time to decide if you want to be engaged.

 

[VictorK]

There's something off about the math. You met her, she was with her boyfriend for 15 months, then getting over her boyfriend for 6 months, then you ignored her for 12 months, then she was gone for 12 months, and now she's been back for 7. That's about 4 and a half years, not 3 and a half.

Anyways, it is a little soon to start pushing for marriage, but not by much. Lots of people your age get engaged after being in a relationship for a year. In this sort of situation, when a woman is pushing me for some sort of commitment, I think it's fair to give her some sort of time range.

Do you truly think that you won't be ready for marriage until you're 31? Then you should tell her exactly that. Don't play dumb and be like, "I will be ready either in a few months or in a few years or in a few decades or in a few nevers, but I don't know, and I don't know when I will know, and I don't know if I will ever know when I'll know what I don't know." That's kind of annoying.

But anyways, 2 years of a real, monogamous relationship where you really are seeing each other (not texting or emailing) is a pretty reasonable time to decide if you want to be engaged.

i probably didnt make myself as clear as i could have...i meant to say 6 months during her old relationship and 6 months during her recovery (12 months) is when i ignored her. I have known her since summer of 2005.

I have told her i believe i will be ready for this type of committment once we get to spend around 3 years or so as a normal couple not the long distance type. With that timeline it puts her around 31/32 and thats where the problem is. She has it in her head that we should be married before then, and since we knew eachother when we were 25, why the hell are we waiting.

 

[jafyk]

I think the problem you guys have is mismatched timing. The solution is simple. If she's not willing to wait for you then you should both end it. She's not the last girl on earth. I agree finding a good girl is hard but they are still out there.