Ignorance or what?

[Igetit!]

i've made it perfectly clear that i could care less if she has an interest in someone else, the only thing i fear is that something is developing behind my back deceiving me into wasting my time with her, i'd like to know from the get go about any bit of feelings or considerations towards someone else so i know to walk out and find someone more worth my time. i made it clear about that, because thats how i truely feel.

Yeah,that's exactly what I said. Insecurity. Look at what you said. You said,"The only thing you fear is that something is developing behind your back". Instead of being strong and confident in your relationship,you're like someone on the run from the police. You're nervous,don't trust anyone (your girlfriend),and constantly looking over your shoulder. Your girlfriend came straight out and told you what happened,so why do you have this "fear" of her doing something behind your back?
If she had given out her number,hid it from you,then you found out,then yeah,I'd understand where you're coming from. Imo,you just seemed to blow this out of proportion.

 

[tryst type]

kontroller nailed it on the head once again, thanks for that.

do you think its a good idea to have her say it was a fake number and shes not interested to guarantee to an extent that i dont have to wonder if this kid is calling/texting randomly?

also its not a sign of insecurity that i specifically told her my time is not to be wasted by deceit and i could care less if she was in fact interested in another, just to let me know early so i can walk away to a more suitable time wasting situation?

 

[tryst type]

this is all getting really frustrating, if i make a stand for something i don't tolerate it comes off as insecure, if i make a request for her to fix it to make me feel more comfortable about the mistake she made, i'd come off as a fool.

someone please tell me, whats the best way to handle this kind of predicament in the future? praise her for giving out her number to a new guy? maybe take her out to dinner for it? ridiculous

 

[Igetit!]

You want someone to tell you how to handle this? Ok,I'll tell you. Trust her. There you go. I told you. You said that you want her to "fix it" so you will feel more comfortable. That's not going to happen. This,what I call "insecurity",but you call "feeling uncomfortable",whatever it is,if this guy calls her while the two of you are together,and she tells him whatever it is you want her to say to him,then hangs up the phone,will that really "fix" everything? If she does that for you,will you feel "comfortable" again? Really?
In the end,you are going to do whatever it is you want to do anyway,but I think you should just put it behind you,trust her again,and move forward.
You might think,"Well,what if she is doing something behind my back?","What if she does have feelings for another guy?". Well? What if she does? What do you think will happen? I'll tell you what will happen. You'll be hurt,you'll feel bad,then you'll probably dump her.

This is REAL LIFE. People get hurt. If you think you can have a relationship,and not get hurt,I'm sorry,but I got news for you. It doesn't work that way. Let me put it plainly. IF YOU ARE DATING/IN A RELATIONSHIP,YOU WILL GET HURT. Period. I didn't say that you would get cheated on,I said that you WILL get hurt. I guarantee it. So either break up with her or trust her again and move forward.

 

[KontrollerX]

Having her say that to the guy won't guarantee anything but what it does do is shows her that she better comply with what you want or you will walk.

So do it for that reason and the reason that it sends the message to her that you are not all that hung up on her and can easily replace her if it comes to that.

It sends the message that you are not all that hung up on her because most weak males out there let the woman run the show for fear that if they don't they will lose her due to her and all women naturally having and being able to utilize more options than they have and for you to make a stand it shows that you have a backbone and options or the ability to generate options should things turn badly for you.

This helps you because even if she should beat you to the punch and end the relationship first the second time you both break up you not reacting to it will drive her nuts and in need of getting back together with you again to try and reclaim her lost validation that she means something to you.

Though what she doesn't know is that whether you break up with her or she breaks up with you, the second breakup is the last breakup the both of you will ever have as it either means she did the breaking up and fvcked up and lost any more chances with you or it means you finally found a new and better chick who agrees to your framing of the relationship to branch swing on over to.

After all the posts we've had in this topic I think its clear your goal at this moment is to keep this chick around for now so you have a steady supply of pvssy until you can find a better replacement for her.

 

[tryst type]

Having her say that to the guy won't guarantee anything but what it does do is shows her that she better comply with what you want or you will walk.

So do it for that reason and the reason that it sends the message to her that you are not all that hung up on her and can easily replace her if it comes to that.

yes, this is exactly what i'm going for, i know it's a silly thing to have her do, but that is why if she does i will stick around and she can stop sobbing and pleading for me to take her back. i have explained myself clearly to her too. i made it clear that this is what it'd take for me to take her back, otherwise i'll continue walking on this single path i've already paved for myself.

i just needed someone else to see it from my perspective and not the "that'd be an insecure move" way to give me the OK

thanks kontroller and everyone for all your replies.

 

[LovelyLady]

yes, this is exactly what i'm going for, i know it's a silly thing to have her do, but that is why if she does i will stick around and she can stop sobbing and pleading for me to take her back. i have explained myself clearly to her too. i made it clear that this is what it'd take for me to take her back, otherwise i'll continue walking on this single path i've already paved for myself.

i just needed someone else to see it from my perspective and not the "that'd be an insecure move" way to give me the OK

thanks kontroller and everyone for all your replies.

You are dealing with issues of trust and asking her to lie. There is nothing "silly" about that.


Would you please clarify if this earlier understanding of mine/question is correct: So to be clear... are you saying she lied to her bf about you at the beginning of dating you - and she lied to you about having a bf at the beginning? Did you know she had a boyfriend when you were dating her?



The healthiest of relationships have stressors - to add the history of cheating as a stressor/the challenges of trusting someone with that history on top of the normal stressors of being with someone, is a huge burden.

By thinking that eliminating this one guy from the picture you are going to "fix" these underlying issues in your relationship is an illusion. You are, in effect, putting a band-aid on a tiny cut while ignoring a severed limb.



Also, I think it is important to not focus on if you appear or act insecure, but rather what you are.

You are coming off insecure in this relationship because you are insecure. And you are insecure because there is no security to be found there. You are not failing because you feel insecure - the courageous thing is to fully feel that feeling and maturely face all the circumstances you have chosen to be a part of that have led you to this place.

Before you know where you want to go in life (and this relationship) - it is important to understand where you are now and how you got to this place.



There is nothing wrong with each of you taking a few weeks to really think about what it is you want to create in your primary relationship - and what are the values that are most important to each of you.

Trust, peace of mind, genuine concern for the well-being of the other person, forgiveness, the security of knowing you can trust your partner are some things to consider how much you honestly value.


There is so much lack of trust/fear and concern with power and control of her --- where is the love?

 

[BlackJackal]

i've made it perfectly clear that i could care less if she has an interest in someone else, the only thing i fear is that something is developing behind my back deceiving me into wasting my time with her, i'd like to know from the get go about any bit of feelings or considerations towards someone else so i know to walk out and find someone more worth my time. i made it clear about that, because thats how i truely feel.

Thats the thing though. Interest is a seed that grows into involvement as long as it gets proper treatment. After all she was interested in you, and you two are together. And she cheated on her ex while getting with you. Even though you didn't know this till after the fact. Now she made have benn honest with you.

But even honesty can be used as a cover for later deciet. It's the 12th Law in the 48 Laws of Power.

Use selective honesty and generosity to disarm your victim
One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones. Open gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can decieve and manipulate them at will.

Her being honest with you from this point on wont serve you any real purpose. Details of anything she is doing will be vague at best. Especially if she knows you wont like the whole truth. Her past will get to you. And you'll grow more paranoid with every interaction she has with the opposite sex. Which will reflect in your direct and indirect actions towards her.

You know you dont trust her. She'll realize that. And will start working on going to the next man with an untainted image of her. It may not be the guy at work but with another. Just bail man. Trust me on this.

 

[tryst type]

So to be clear... are you saying she lied to her bf about you at the beginning of dating you - and she lied to you about having a bf at the beginning?

as far as i was informed, she had broken up with him and as far as he was concerned, i was just a new friend to her.

also, i'm not trying to gain any respect from her by telling her to do what i requested, it's merely a decision she has to make in order to keep me around or not. it's my way of testing her honesty about the situation and her devotion to me. this is why it is so 'silly' i want it to be.

 

[KontrollerX]

Even though to people reading it seems silly to a girl that wants to prove herself to you it is not.

What you are doing by making her tell this guy what you want her to tell him conveys your strength.

Your strength that you will not hide and hope some issue goes away like some pvssified male would you will take charge of an issue and make it go away yourself by your actions and hey if it doesn't you walk which is still you staying in your frame either way.

A win win.

And I actually agree with Sam and Persistant Exaction that the safest course of action for you to proceed is to simply break up with her and find someone else but eh what you are doing now could work as a push pull game and drama generation that chicks just eat up and you can also think of it as that and a kind of experiment.

Chicks do this crap all the time where they take boyfriends back in similar scenarios then branch swing behind his back and let go of him when the new branch is secured.

So the experiment you are attempting is to see if you can do the same and if it works hey you never go without steady pvssy and if it fails and she beats you to the breakup punch I say again you can counter her by giving no emotional reaction to it or any reaction whatsoever which will drive her fvcking nuts as chicks need to believe that they are wanted by the guy they break up with so that they can easily move on with full validation.