Ignorance or what?

[tryst type]

so my gf of 10 months now has been casually telling me about some guy within her work area who flirts with her with subtly and she could detect an interest. so whatever i used to make fun, egg her on to date him in a teasing manner etc.

the other day she tells me he asks for her number and she gives it to him but says "i have a bf but we can be friends"
i couldnt believe it i told her do you realize thats communicating "i have a bf but willing"
she told me that he caught her by surprise and she felt she had to (mind you shes a very shy girl and keeps to herself, thats the rational part of her that she used to excuse her action)

i told her i didn't think we should continue going out i didnt want to have to start wondering if he's texting/calling, if shes enjoying the attention of a new guy even IF she's not interested.
she keeps trying to get me back and pleading that its really nothing and shes not interested.

did i do the right thing here?

 

[slaog]

it was wrong of her to do that and now she's paying the price but:
-she told you about it
-she may have been polite when giving her number away
-she may have done it to make you jealous.
-when you joked about her dating him it might have sent the signal that you didn't mind her flirting with him.

Did you tell her before that it was not acceptable for you if she was giving out her number? If not maybe you were a bit harsh.

 

[tryst type]

Did you tell her before that it was not acceptable for you if she was giving out her number? If not maybe you were a bit harsh.

no because i didn't think she'd do that, at the very least maybe a fake number. it came as a surprise from her to do that.
i believe she did do it out of politeness but still to give her actual number? not necessary, whats so hard about saying i have a bf sorry and walking away, she didnt have to go beyond that IMO

 

[KontrollerX]

You did the right thing if both your mind and gut instinct feelings were sending you the same bad signals about all of this. If you got that deep dark foreboding and sick feeling of impending betrayel then you made the correct exit strategy for yourself.

As for the shy girl stuff pay it no mind, it doesn't mean a thing if a girl is shy or extroverted, the right guy can press her buttons and she is just as capable of screwing you over as an extroverted chick.

Anyway though if you have a tough time getting a replacement girl and replacement girls in general you could take her back after a begging episode.

This would be for a limited time only of course as you look for new talent behind her back and then leave her ass once you find a stable new branch to grab onto for yourself.

This is a great tactic that chicks often use.

Almost seems that men should of invented it though considering women have more options in general.

 

[tryst type]

good advice kontroller.

i can't help but wonder though, what do you do in these situations if your gf wants to make new friends and they happen to be guys from now on? i'll always feel there's another reason for it now because of what just happened.

is there a way to distinguish or not seem too controlling? this could be considered me being "controlling" from someone else's point of view no?

 

[KontrollerX]

If she's always making guy friends over girls as friends there is something wrong with her. No chick can use work as an excuse for encountering only guys to be friends with as only guys work there other than her yadda yadda yadda because the counter to that excuse is someone telling a chick she needs a life and to find friends outside of work.

Normal chicks are almost always the most comfortable hanging out with other chicks.

Gotta avoid "tom boys" and AW's with only guy friends bro.

The guy friends line is ALWAYS bullsh!t. They are not friends but potential boyfriends/fvck buddies.

And the way to avoid this in the future is you have to set the frame for the relationship in the beginning.

What do you want tryst type?

Thats what you have to ask yourself.

If it is a girl with only girls as her friends go for only that and tell your new girl whoever it is that this is what you want in a woman and if she changes from that it is cool but you will not be with her anymore in a boyfriend capacity if she does. If you cannot find such a girl stick with your frame and do not give any chick a relationship who is not within that frame. If she wants to have guy friends fine let her! but she will only be a one night stand or summer fvck buddy for you. No emotional attachment or diamond ring will be forthcoming to her from you.

EVER!

Now on the other hand if you want to take a more compromising type of stance you could let a few male friends slide but only if the girl rarely ever mentions them and when she does its a very trivial semi-humorous mentioning such as "Oh Pete from the office brought a Barney the Dinosaur shaped giant purple balloon into the office today and popped it with a needle scaring our boss half to death from the pop hahaha I'm so surprised he didn't get fired over that!"

Stuff like that, friendships like that are generally fine.

Its when she keeps mentioning the guy to you over and over and over again to levels you are getting uncomfortable with is when you need to go on the hunt for new talent and start cutting yourself off from her emotionally even though you will not show her that this is happening and you are onto her.

Mentioning a guy to you over and over and over again who is supposedly just a friend is a subtle chick test where she is trying to find out the emotion she still feels for you as well as what she gauges you still feel for her by your reaction to her mentionings of the guy.

When this mentioning happens she has been exploring the possibility of a relationship with the other guy in her mind or is already well into it but is still wondering if he will be a stable branch for her to swing to and whether she still loves you or not. Its basically a big drama storm that women love to create that gets them off despite how callous it is.

At this point the relationship is pretty much over but the main guy ie you never seems to know it but lately if you think about it gee golly gosh your girl sure has been acting strange lately talking a bit too much about her co-worker lately, wonder what thats all about? you question to yourself.

What happens next is either she decides to keep the both of you and fvck you the main guy for long term stability and support while fvcking the other guy far more for the tasty excitement and drama that she craves or she does the usual thing in times like this and busts out the crocodile tears before giving you the lets just be friends speech and when pressed of course she reveals its because of her cheating that she is doing this and wants to explore new horizons far away from you.

There are a few ways to win in this scenario.

1. Doing what you did which is the pre-emptive breakup 100% effective solution as you have all the power moving forward while she is fvcked up over you wondering if she made the right decision considering the other guy.

2. Wait for her to bust out the LJBF speech sooner or later at which point you either say "Lets not" (or an equivalent phrase) or use the Str8up walk away method which offers no more drama for her to feed off of as she is met by the sounds of silence. This option is tricky because unlike option 1 which guarantees the chick will be fvcked up over you leaving her first this option does not guarantee that. In short you know this option worked if the chick tries to desperately get back with you to generate more drama for herself that she craves but most importantly the validation that she needs that she is worth something to you.

The only problem with option 1 is that it lacks absolute certainty for guys that they did the right thing. It is a total judgement call but hey thats what a real man has to do ie make judgement calls in life. A boy lets his life be decided for him by the grown ups.

 

[Aktat]

It was wrong of her to give her number, but I don't know if it is a reason enough to break up. She might have been just polite like she said. These situations can be very uncomfortable. And if you have been teasing her about it and making jokes, how could she possible then know that you took it so seriously? If you instead would have told her that you care about her and don't want to loose her to some bloke at work, she might have been more serious about it too and been more careful about giving her number away.

 

[tryst type]

kontroller great advice. she has male friends but whom she has had way before me so they are of no threat but when shes considering new ones it starts to create a cloud of question which i have told her from the start that i will not tolerate, better things to do than worry if shes really just making a friend.

in this current situation, if i decide to do the take her back and shop around route, whats the best way to take her back and be in control still?

she keeps pleading that she acted without thinkin because she was running late to work and how she never gets asked for her number so she acted on impulse etc and i simply reply "you can not be that naive"

 

[KontrollerX]

She has to agree to no more guy friends for you to take her back.

Those are your terms she can take or leave.

If she rejects the terms have no fear as despite how defiant and possibly angry she may act you are still in control and in the desireable power position.

Even if she stops wanting you after that you will still be in her thoughts driving her mad that you got over on her so well and acted like it was nothing to toss her away when she didn't comply with what you wanted.

Should she come back to you though under your terms which is the most likely scenario when a chick needs validation that you still want her what you need to do is accept none of the blame for the momentary breakup that happened between you two and always gently steer the reason for it being her fault when she tries to shame you and paint it as your fault for whatever reason and also and most importantly do not be fooled by her acting better than ever once you and she are back together in the mock relationship.

If she is particularly vindictive and revenge seeking she will go all out to give you better sex more frequent sex and the best time you've ever had with a chick basically and she'll work really hard to get you emotionally dependent on her. This is all a sick and twisted plan to set you up for the big fall and get her payback revenge by dumping you when you least expect it.

Your gut instinct senses should warn you when things are turning rotten and she's about to pull the plug so the trick will be for you to pull the plug first and keep your power fully winning the game with her.

Guys fall for this sh!t all the time. Don't let that be you. Don't believe the perfect girlfriend act she may put on for weeks or months once you take her back but enjoy the benefits of it and once you have secured a new and stable branch swing to it and leave this girl in the dust and again remember your gut instinct should warn you of when the party is about to end so that you can pull the plug first keeping her from getting her validation.

If by some chance though she beats you to the punch do not talk to her ever again no matter how much she begs. The reaction any reaction no matter how petty or trivial is what she wants. Prevent her from getting it.

Its best if you have a phone system that lets you know whose calling you before you answer so she doesn't even get to hear your voice saying "hello" when and if she calls you to see how you are doing since the breakup.

Also keep in mind that even if she agrees to your terms to get back together she will likely lie and keep talking to and seeing this guy but just no longer talking to you at all about him or mentioning him in any capacity.

 

[tryst type]

ok so shes been calling/texting me ever since this afternoon and i finally decided to talk to her. she kept saying how she knows it was stupid but she made a hasty decision because she was late for work and didn't want to be rude but has no intention of replying to any of his calls/texts (which we all know girls like to do after giving out their number)
she also kept apologizing realizing she's a bad gf for that and is naive a little.
i still wasn't buying it, so i decided that theres only one condition to go by to get me to feel comfortable enough to take her back.

i told her that if she wants to make this right that she'd need to tell this guy that she gave him a fake number because she didnt want problems with her current relationship and was in a hurry and didn't want to be rude.
that this would guarantee no phone calls or texts by him and thus make me more comfortable in trusting her for now. also that until she did this and it was confirmed by having my sister tag along, that there was no way i was going to let her enjoy my company.

 

[decades]

think. she could have given the number and gone out with the guy without you knowing about it. You never would have known. She also apologized to you but get this, The Guy Still Has Her Number. So she got what she wanted and now she is trying to smooth things over with you. That's called having her cake and eating it too. Classic manipulation. btw, the guy already called her. He knows it's a real number. Dude you can't control her with these ultimatums. She will just go Underground on you. You have to establish boundaries and Walk when they are stepped on.

She Wanted you to know about this guy. Why? Testing, Jealousy making, drama making, crazy making. I suggest to you that your relationship is doomed. She is not ready for Exclusivity, and she is immature, or WORSE. She devalued you bro and if you stay you have to ask Why be with a woman who devalued you by trying to make you jealous, and who gave her number to a guy she works with? You made the mistake by trying to be the cool DJ and saying "go ahead". She called your bluff and turned you into an AFC. Your best response should have been to State your boundaries about other men honestly then back it up with conviction by walking away, if necessary.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Could she just have been an idiot? I mean, she did inform you about everything. If she really wanted to be with the other guy, she wouldn't have kept you in the loop.

This isn't advice. You know your instincts and this chick better. I'm just trying to understand whats really going on here.

 

[OneEyedJack]

Your reaction reeks of insecurity.

You've indirectly accused her of cheating - even thought she was honest and hasn't cheated. Oh, and you called her a liar by not believing that she just wanted to get rid of him.

It is one thing to protect your heart, and it is another thing to expect perfection in your mate. If you date a woman that isn't ugly her getting hit on is to be expected. And women giving out their number just to get rid of someone is a well known tactic.

 

[Alle_Gory]

And women giving out their number just to get rid of someone is a well known tactic.

So how does this one work?

 

[tryst type]

And women giving out their number just to get rid of someone is a well known tactic.

doesn't but it doesnt have to be their real one like in this situation

 

[zzeitgeist]

Keep in mind women tend to take the path of least resistance, so when you start telling her she has to go to this guy and tell him about how its a fake number your setting yourself up for a big time fail.

 

[KontrollerX]

Persistant Exaction is right with what he said too.

Which is why I must again re-iterate make sure to frame things the way you want them in the beginning of a relationship with a new girl and walk at the first sign of deviation from that.

The frame is all.

The frame stands for what you want your relationships with women to be.

The frame is selfish by nature but thats a good thing as it gets you what you want out of life if you stick to it and do not compromise or symp the fvck out like so many discussion forum kids here do and then make shaming posts about how framing things is wrong or doesn't work etc. It works. You just have to stick to your guns but these guys lack a spine and patience so they fall flat on their face with it and conclude it doesn't work.

And most importantly of all realize that the girl I just instructed you to take back is now just a fvck buddy for you even though she doesn't know that and the relationship is on borrowed time and only exists so that you don't have to go without pvssy until you find a newer and better one from a new and better girl.

I basically said all this before but I just felt I had to re-iterate it for you and also say I support PE's post on things and just outright dumping a chick is also a very valid thing to do in this kind of situation but my advice to you with her was simply so you don't have to go through a dry spell.

Yeah its risky doing it that way but if she tries to dump you and reclaim her lost validation and get revenge you can usually counter her with this by giving her no reaction to her breakup with you.

"And women giving out their number just to get rid of someone is a well known tactic."

This is fvckin bullsh!t.

Everytime a girl told me or a buddy "Oh tee hee I gave my number to another guy cuz he kept asking for it" that girl was eventually on that other guy's c0ck. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt will more often than not get you burned in today's world.

Chicks are not morons that don't know what they are doing.

Their decisions are just as if not more calculated than ours.

Giving a guy her phone number is a sign of interest and wanting to explore her potential options to see if he's the big and better deal.

If the shoe was on the other foot and a guy told his wife or longterm girlfriend he gave his phone number to another woman because she asked him you'd need a stopwatch to measure the miniscule amount of time it would take for the guy's wife or girlfriend to be out the door.

Women that respect themselves do not play around when it comes to cheating bullsh!t. They have options and they know it and any hint a guy is acting shady gets him the boot.

More members of the board need to take a lesson from how chicks out there with self respect deal with these matters.

 

[ljm]

fvking smack bang dead on by kontroller X!!!!!

 

[typical]

Thats why many members put emphasis on the topic of spinning multiple plates,

Up to the age of around 30 to 35 most men and nearly all women are not built to be in a monogamous relationships and todays society just isn't the place for it any more.

It does not matter if the girl is shy or not its the same principal, a girl in a mono relationship will (when given the chance) cheat on her partner and vice versa for the guy.

It is better to have multiple friends with benifits then a single gf as you should be wrking you butt off on your career once you have made something out of yourself then look at settling down and thats if you really really want to.

Growing old with someone special is a very lovely dream but for crying out loud guys your still young at 30 and should be out there enjoying life not worrying about what some chick you've known for a few months to a few years is doing.

Alot of the guys on here make the same mistake they learn the basics here improve their lifes and then settle for some chick and go through the same cycle time and time again.

Now lets say you have 3 women in your life and all 3 know your working your butt off to get something out of your short 75 or so years of a life, if one of them starts messing up you can easily cut ties and and get another, your time is too important to waste on rubbish like this.

 

[tryst type]

great great advice guys and i agree with all especially Kontroller.

what do you think of my proposal to take her back? until i find someone new

i told her that if she wants to make this right that she'd need to tell this guy that she gave him a fake number because she didnt want problems with her current relationship and was in a hurry and didn't want to be rude.
that this would guarantee no phone calls or texts by him and thus make me more comfortable in trusting her for now. also that until she did this and it was confirmed by having my sister tag along, that there was no way i was going to let her enjoy my company.