I turn 26 this year and time is running out!

[Isko]

You guys need to take more risks, don't worry about what's "normal", just be HONEST. Yes it will be embarrassing but you will learn. So I have no idea what your social skills are like in real life, but you just have to talk more.

In social situations, half the time, you have no idea if the other person likes you. They don't even know. They just see you talking to them. There are no "rules", just things that work and things that don't. You might know exactly what works, but you just haven't tried it out of fear.

You've gotta have some interests, like video games or bowling or something. Do you drink? Try going to a bar, having a couple of drinks to loosen up, and just talking to random strangers. The point is to talk about YOURSELF, and have people talk about THEMSELVES, and get to the point where you realize: This person is NOT gonna make fun of me or think I'm some creepy weirdo or whatever. They're just like me, getting along in life, and I'm just like them.

You should definitely talk to people more, because talking to girls is very similar to talking to guys. A girlfriend is a friend with whom you have sex.

A LOT of girls are lonely, no matter what you think. See.... most people are alone the majority of the time. They might not FEEL alone because they talk or hang out with people periodically, so they feel like they're normal and on the right path. But still, they don't get quality person-to-person time too often, and everybody craves more of that.

I suspect you feel different from the average person somehow, but you aren't; you just haven't checked in with the average person enough to know it.

Therapy will help you socialize too, you should definitely go to a therapist if you have no friends. People NEED to open their brains up (metaphorically) and show people what's inside every once in a while. You need to talk to someone every once in a while. It will feel great. You also need to practice direct honesty, such as you SHOULD be practicing with a therapist (but it seems most people don't.) This means saying things which feel risky but potentially productive, such as "I think you're gorgeous, would you like to go out this weekend?" or "Hey man I'm not doing anything tonight, do you wanna come play some Halo?"

I bet you feel this secret fear about telling people that you don't have much of a social life. Well, just kinda play it off as you BUILD UP a social life. That, or just TELL THEM HONESTLY. If you stick to my rule about keeping what you say POTENTIALLY PRODUCTIVE, then it will be fine. Don't spiral down into depression or "im such a weirdo" because that kind of thinking will get you NOWHERE. You could nonchalantly say "yeah I really haven't had much of a social life, since ever... I spent most of my time doing this or this or that". I mean it really doesn't matter, since you're making friends NOW, and talking to them NOW. People might wonder WHY, so you might wanna tell them why you didnt have much of a social life (no matter what the reason was, it doesn't matter anymore, because you've moved on and started befriending people.)

You could potentially be picking up girls and just spending all your copious free time with them. That's another path. Just go straight for the girls. Say things that are risky but potentially productive.

There's a website I like called:
stop giving a f u c k . com

I suggest you read it and especially its blog, because I feel like it would help you. You can also just Google-search on any topic that crosses your mind, such as "how to make friends".

 

[AlmostThere!]

I was thinking all last night what it was about my upbringing that causes me not to make friends easily. It's like I really want to make friends, but just don't know the steps to do so.

It was so much easier in school. Friends kinda just happen. As an adult...not so easy.

 

[Schwank]

As a generalisation, I find it astounding how many on here have limited or non-existent social lives yet aspire to be big-time "players". These so-called players' lives are socially active. They already have well-established social skills. And with these well-established social skills, off comes girls' panties. This isn't rocket science. There is no need to intellectualise so much. But rather, there is a need to actually GO OUT and apply some of the tools you've acquired.

Now, in response to your predicament, AlmostThere!, I suggest that you forget about girls for a while, and instead focus on forming friendships with others. Not only will developing a social network increase your chances of attaining a romantic relationship, it will also boost your self-esteem, give you self-confidence, and vanquish some of the day-to-day monotony you're probably feeling. And how do you go about making friends? By establishing a COMMON GROUND. Personally, I find joining clubs which involve my hobbies to be expedient to gaining friendships.

HOBBIES
What are your hobbies? Jott down what you like doing to past the time or for recreation. More than likely, if you live in a decent sized city, there will be a club devoted to it. Everyone at your chosen club has that one COMMON GROUND: The HOBBY! Needless to say, you all enjoy it, thus have much to talk about at least with that particular subject.

From there, you branch out; you start talking about other things of interest. However, you may find that the hobby is practically the only thing you have in common with the other guy. But don't despair. That happens! (You can't "click" with everyone, afterall.) Remember: There are MANY others at the club(s) with whom you can initiate conversation, using the COMMON GROUND as a conversation initiator. You WILL find someone with whom you click! Look, it's like with women, not all these people are gonna wanna hang; and just like with women, it's a numbers game. Another similarity the friendship game has with the dating game is this: If you fear rejection, you'll be alone for most of your life. And again, like with dating, the trick is in the numbers: Join MANY clubs, thereby expanding your potential friend-pool. Obviously, you don't ask guys who you barely know to "hang". You wait for rapport to build. When you feel that rapport has been established, drop in a casual remark such as, "Man that was a good game we played. We kicked their a**es something fierce. I'm going for a beer at [insert bar's name], wanna come?" That's all there is to it. And you build from there. You meet your friends' friends, and make some more friendships... it has a snowball effect. Within these social groups, there will be women, and it's inevitable when your such a friendly, socially suave guy that romantic pursuits will follow.

People on this board seem to make out that getting women is exceptionally hard -- it's not that hard if you have the following: Good social skills, personality, friends, ambitions and passions. Even many average-looking guys who have these things, have active sex lives and healthly romantic relationships. I think the first three things on the list are a REQUISITE for any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (and friendships, too), while the last two are definitely desired.

Not having friends shows women a possible defect in your character and therefore raises red flags. A girl wants to meet her partner's friends; she wants him to be socially adequate. She DOESN'T want her partner's life to consist of only her and his job. Not only will being friendless make girls leave you quicker than dying from ANTHRAX SPORES, it will make you disgustingly CLINGY. Think about it: You have nobody in your social life accept your girl... it's a foregone conclusion that you will SMOTHER her like a postnatally depressed mother smothering her newborn.

In conclusion, it's really all up to you. You can drastically improve your social life -- but are you motivated enough to want to change?

 

[AlmostThere!]

As a generalisation, I find it astounding how many on here have limited or non-existent social lives yet aspire to be big-time "players". These so-called players' lives are socially active. They already have well-established social skills. And with these well-established social skills, off comes girls' panties. This isn't rocket science. There is no need to intellectualise so much. But rather, there is a need to actually GO OUT and apply some of the tools you've acquired.

Now, in response to your predicament, AlmostThere!, I suggest that you forget about girls for a while, and instead focus on forming friendships with others. Not only will developing a social network increase your chances of attaining a romantic relationship, it will also boost your self-esteem, give you self-confidence, and vanquish some of the day-to-day monotony you're probably feeling. And how do you go about making friends? By establishing a COMMON GROUND. Personally, I find joining clubs which involve my hobbies to be expedient to gaining friendships.

HOBBIES
What are your hobbies? Jott down what you like doing to past the time or for recreation. More than likely, if you live in a decent sized city, there will be a club devoted to it. Everyone at your chosen club has that one COMMON GROUND: The HOBBY! Needless to say, you all enjoy it, thus have much to talk about at least with that particular subject.

From there, you branch out; you start talking about other things of interest. However, you may find that the hobby is practically the only thing you have in common with the other guy. But don't despair. That happens! (You can't "click" with everyone, afterall.) Remember: There are MANY others at the club(s) with whom you can initiate conversation, using the COMMON GROUND as a conversation initiator. You WILL find someone with whom you click! Look, it's like with women, not all these people are gonna wanna hang; and just like with women, it's a numbers game. Another similarity the friendship game has with the dating game is this: If you fear rejection, you'll be alone for most of your life. And again, like with dating, the trick is in the numbers: Join MANY clubs, thereby expanding your potential friend-pool. Obviously, you don't ask guys who you barely know to "hang". You wait for rapport to build. When you feel that rapport has been established, drop in a casual remark such as, "Man that was a good game we played. We kicked their a**es something fierce. I'm going for a beer at [insert bar's name], wanna come?" That's all there is to it. And you build from there. You meet your friends' friends, and make some more friendships... it has a snowball effect. Within these social groups, there will be women, and it's inevitable when your such a friendly, socially suave guy that romantic pursuits will follow.

People on this board seem to make out that getting women is exceptionally hard -- it's not that hard if you have the following: Good social skills, personality, friends, ambitions and passions. Even many average-looking guys who have these things, have active sex lives and healthly romantic relationships. I think the first three things on the list are a REQUISITE for any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (and friendships, too), while the last two are definitely desired.

Not having friends shows women a possible defect in your character and therefore raises red flags. A girl wants to meet her partner's friends; she wants him to be socially adequate. She DOESN'T want her partner's life to consist of only her and his job. Not only will being friendless make girls leave you quicker than dying from ANTHRAX SPORES, it will make you disgustingly CLINGY. Think about it: You have nobody in your social life accept your girl... it's a foregone conclusion that you will SMOTHER her like a postnatally depressed mother smothering her newborn.

In conclusion, it's really all up to you. You can drastically improve your social life -- but are you motivated enough to want to change?

You're absolutely right. I am clingy as hell. The first girl that shows me attention, I get oneitis.

I have interests but really don't know how to join clubs. I don't want to have to pay a lot of money to have an active social life. Is there a such thing as free or cheap clubs?

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

I have interests but really don't know how to join clubs.

You are one unmotivated dude, aren't you. What is there to know about how to join clubs? You call them or email them and ask.

I don't want to have to pay a lot of money to have an active social life. Is there a such thing as free or cheap clubs?

Yes. Of course there are. I joined a free club for writers in my city. I'd recommend using the internet to look those things up....you know....instead of relying on us to tell you whether or not there are free/cheap clubs in your area.

 

[DonJuan11]

- I stopped paying for sex because I'm tired of it.
- I don't have ANY friends.
- I live by myself
- I don't attend school.
- I just can't bring myself to approach women.
- I will forever be single, alone, with no females in my life.
- a girl would be lucky to have me.

A women won't give up the goods and have sex with you in exchange for the above. Your "all about me" attitude is sickening. You have to look at the situation from HER POINT OF VIEW. What does she get to be with you, spend time with you, give you sex? She gets a guy who has NO friends, doesn't go to school and has paid for sex because he has no game? That's not a good trade for her.

She will give you sex in EXCHANGE for something. As you have know, you've already given the women money in exchange for sex. If you want to stop giving her money, What will you give her? STRONG POWERFUL FEELINGS? SECURITY? A GOOD TIME? You have to give her something before she gives it up.

I've said it before, it's a NEGOTIATION with girls and anything in life. You have to NEGOTIATE for what you want, and by the sounds of it, you are a terrible negotiator.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

She will give you sex in EXCHANGE for something. As you have know, you've already given the women money in exchange for sex. If you want to stop giving her money, What will you give her? STRONG POWERFUL FEELINGS? SECURITY? A GOOD TIME? You have to give her something before she gives it up.

I've said it before, it's a NEGOTIATION with girls and anything in life. You have to NEGOTIATE for what you want, and by the sounds of it, you are a terrible negotiator.

Perfect, the most difficult thing is to get outside your own head. If you´re too self-conscious you´ll be acting weird and she won´t feel at ease with you. If you´re in love all the worse.

I have this problem sometimes.

 

[AlmostThere!]

A women won't give up the goods and have sex with you in exchange for the above. Your "all about me" attitude is sickening. You have to look at the situation from HER POINT OF VIEW. What does she get to be with you, spend time with you, give you sex? She gets a guy who has NO friends, doesn't go to school and has paid for sex because he has no game? That's not a good trade for her.

She will give you sex in EXCHANGE for something. As you have know, you've already given the women money in exchange for sex. If you want to stop giving her money, What will you give her? STRONG POWERFUL FEELINGS? SECURITY? A GOOD TIME? You have to give her something before she gives it up.

I've said it before, it's a NEGOTIATION with girls and anything in life. You have to NEGOTIATE for what you want, and by the sounds of it, you are a terrible negotiator.

Okay, so what does the average guy with a girlfriend have that she wants?

 

[Kailex]

Bubble boy, I think it's time to break out of that shell.
I've read through this thread about 3 times and all I see is someone asking for the forums to hold his hand through the process.

I can't tell you what a girl wants from the average guy, because every girl is "different". Different in the sense that they all want a guy who is a MAN and doesn't spend hours on forums overanalyzing himself and to why he can't make friends, doesn't even know how to look up clubs, or is trying to figure out the root of his anti-social nature.

Spend less time here trying to figure out what's wrong with you and spend more time trying to figure out what's so GOOD about you.

And you say you don't want to pay money to have an active social life? Well then, stay inside and keep playing video games online, I'm sure it'll do wonder for your games. If you want to "make money", you're going to have to spend it... whether it's at a gym, or going out to bars, or getting new clothes, or just changing your style over all, it's going to cost you. But think of it as an INVESTMENT, not as an expense.

How are we supposed to "help" you when it seems that you are so reluctant to help yourself?

 

[AlmostThere!]

I'm reluctant to pay money for clubs that may be a waste of time. I like to be smart and go someplace that's proven .

 

[Iceberg]

I'm reluctant to pay money for clubs that may be a waste of time. I like to be smart and go someplace that's proven .

You have 2 pages of people trying to help you. If you can't find anything in here that makes you go out and start living life, then maybe this site isn't for you.

Good luck.

 

[2crudedudes]

I can relate to AlmostThere! and from the sound of things, he's either lazy or just reluctant to change. Forgive me if this assessment is incorrect, but I'm starting to realize that all I do is wallow in my self-pity, and just kinda "wish" for things to change. Yet every day after work, I go home and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to change my situation.

I spend most of the day on the computer at work, then go home and spend the rest of the day on the computer at home.

I don't have many hobbies outside of playing video games (I know, big turn on right there) yet I don't push myself to change this.

It doesn't matter how many articles I read, how many threads I create, how many tips I write down, in the end, my routine is always the same.

It really sounds like this is the same case with you Almost, it almost feels like you're hoping someone else will change this for you.

 

[AlmostThere!]

I can relate to AlmostThere! and from the sound of things, he's either lazy or just reluctant to change. Forgive me if this assessment is incorrect, but I'm starting to realize that all I do is wallow in my self-pity, and just kinda "wish" for things to change. Yet every day after work, I go home and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to change my situation.

I spend most of the day on the computer at work, then go home and spend the rest of the day on the computer at home.

I don't have many hobbies outside of playing video games (I know, big turn on right there) yet I don't push myself to change this.

It doesn't matter how many articles I read, how many threads I create, how many tips I write down, in the end, my routine is always the same.

It really sounds like this is the same case with you Almost, it almost feels like you're hoping someone else will change this for you.

Well, I do play Dodgeball on Saturdays which actually got me laid last year. She was the first girl that had sex with me because she wanted to. We only had sex twice and I developed oneitis and became too needy. She was basically my first, since every other girl I ****ed were escorts. We were introduced by a teammate (social circle in action).

I quit Dodgeball for a while because this girl started ignoring me and I was depressed. I just recently joined again so I'm hoping that I can keep myself together and stop being so needy with the first girl that shows me interest.

I DO want to change...I google hobbies but I really have no idea what's worth checking out....

I do this about EVERYTHING. I don't buy TVs, cars, or eat at restaurants that aren't proven to be good. So, I may see dance classes in my area, or art interest groups...but are they any GOOD?

But you are completely right. I go to work (except I don't sit at a cubicle all day) and go on the computer when I get home. I read and make threads asking the same questions hoping for a different answer. I tell myself that I'm going to care less and start doing things just for the experience....and I never do it.

I wish that I had a brother or friend that was outgoing and motivated in my life with whom I can learn from.

 

[Isko]

In the last 3 paragraphs of your last post, you're saying you don't ever take risks that other people haven't taken first. You want someone to go ahead of you in EVERYTHING and tell you if it's OK. You want a role model and a reviewer and all that.

**** THAT! You don't need those things. You can BE those things. You can be the one taking risks and telling others what happened. You need to take a bunch of chances and do things that you KNOW are gonna be dumb and go nowhere.

Seriously. You are going to fail, hard, and often, before you get anywhere you want to be. You are gonna **** up and embarrass yourself and look creepy and look stupid and whatever you're afraid of. **** IT, who cares! It's better to screw up a bunch of times than to do nothing at all. Eventually you WILL learn, but the ONLY way to learn is by trying over and over. It's like you're trying to hit a target with an unlimited supply of darts, and you are trying to line up the perfect shot, and get it in one try. **** THAT! Just start throwing until something sticks!

You need to take action. No one can make you do it. We can only try to make you make yourself do it. We can try to make it easier for you. But you have to go out and do whatever it is you want to do! You're wasting your life in fear of embarrassment, man. Think of the big picture, and look ahead-- see where your current behavior is going to put you. Probably in the exact same spot.

Think of all the guys in history who have NOT lived safe lives. People do incredibly stupid things every day. You're in a bubble where you think that embarrassing yourself is the worst thing ever.

You ARE attractive to the girls you're attracted to. Why? Because you're male, you're interested in them, you live near them, you speak the same language, you're from the same culture, you're single, you're physically able to have sex, you're physically able to function in society, you're mentally able to function in society (as evidenced by you not being in a mental asylum), you're alive, etc. You like to eat at restaurants. They like to eat at restaurants. You like to watch movies. They like to watch movies. WTF are you expecting? You aren't missing some massive thing. You are just shy. That's really all it is.

These two links may be of use to you:
http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/index.php?topic=103.0

http://www.pdf-search-engine.com/david-x-html-estarriol.ru/files/david_x_-_edited.html

Don't worry about crazy pickup techniques, though. They are just useful for getting slightly hotter women than you're already getting, if they're useful at all. You don't need to use a single routine or anything. The basics such as "give it a chance, you never know until you try, she might like you"... that's all you need to get started.

Once you TRY FOR SOMETHING YOU WANT, no matter whether you get it or not, you get a HUUUUGE burst of confidence and happiness. I'm serious- just TRYING for what you want makes you feel good. If you sincerely ask a woman out, and you get rejected, you will feel GOOD, because you now know that you can trust yourself to take those opportunities... You know that you'll ask out the NEXT girl who comes along whom you like... and she might say yes. You can't control their reactions, you can only control YOUR actions. LISTEN TO YOURSELF, stop worrying about what others think, because you can never control or maintain it. They WILL think badly of you at times. They will think well of you at times. It doesn't matter.

All you need for happiness is to get out of your own way, to start helping yourself instead of holding yourself back. Seriously man, I've been in this spot, and looking at the big picture was one way to motivate myself to action. Just imagine how terrible it would be to die without ever having gone after what you want. To die without ever really living or being real or being yourself. Be honest. If you like someone tell them. Fear no embarrassment; life is too short.

Also, don't "climb the social ladder", EVER. When you're trying to climb the social ladder, you are telling yourself and everyone around you that where you are, with those people around you, is not good enough for you. It's a huge insult to people around you when you aren't honest with them, and it's an insult to yourself. So don't make friends with someone and think "I won't risk saying something they won't like, because I want them as a friend to show off." What I'm saying in this paragraph is: Treat people honestly. Don't misrepresent yourself to be liked. With girls, that means you need to be honest about your attraction to them. You should also choose to have more self confidence, and to look at yourself in a more favorable light. That way you will feel like you deserve them. See, honesty is great except when you try to do others' thinking for them. That's another point:

Don't think for other people. Don't assume that you know what they're thinking. You don't know what they think of you, and they don't know what you think of them. Hell.. I'm not even assuming that I know what YOU think; I'm just throwing out advice which would have helped me when I was going through similar problems. You'll be amazed at how wrong your guesses of how other peoples' minds worked are.

In regards to your 2nd to last paragraph, you probably are having trouble "doing things for the experience" because you expect it to be a ****ty experience. Well, you're kind of right and kind of wrong. Anything that you did in advocacy of yourself is a good experience, even if you didn't get the girl or whatever, because like I said, you feel GREAT when you put your honest desires out there. "Doing things for the experience" sounds more like paying to lose your virginity, which is OK but I imagine it would not be as fun because it doesn't match what you REALLY wanted: Sex with a willing partner. If you didn't feel inferior for going to prostitutes, then it would be fine.

You are an Enneagram type 5: So afraid to fail that you don't even try. Ironically this makes you fail 100% of the time, whereas trying over and over, banging your head into a glass window like a fly trying to escape, is the best way to get there. You'll naturally analyze and learn if you just TRY over and over.

Actually, I guess you're SURE that you'll fail and that's why you don't try. Well... you won't. Or maybe you're afraid of success or whatever, I don't even care, just ****ing do it ****tttt =P

 

[AlmostThere!]

I never believed in psychology as I thought the human brain is too complicated for people to pick apart. I was reading about Enneagram Type 5:

Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world.

Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.

It said a lot of other stuff that made me say "that's me".

 

[Iceberg]

I DO want to change...I google hobbies but I really have no idea what's worth checking out....

That's pretty terrifying, man. How do you google hobbies? You've been on this planet for 25 years...how is Google supposed to know more about your interests than you?

If someone asked me what my hobbies were, I'd say writing, guitar, cooking, beer, travel. What activities have I pursued on my own? I've gone to a writing group, I go classes at my gym on my own, and I go to guitar lessons on my own.

Hobbies that I want to learn? Woodworking, martial arts, camping.

You can't be a human being and NOT know what you're interested in / curious about.

I never believed in psychology as I thought the human brain is too complicated for people to pick apart. I was reading about Enneagram Type 5:

It said a lot of other stuff that made me say "that's me".

Cool. So now you have a psychological analysis that supports your non-social habits. Guess you don't need us anymore.

By the way, I live in Philadelphia, like you do. And this city helped me break out of my shell. There are plenty of things for you to do if you try.

 

[AlmostThere!]

That's pretty terrifying, man. How do you google hobbies? You've been on this planet for 25 years...how is Google supposed to know more about your interests than you?

For the LAST time...I do have INTERESTS. I'd like to learn painting, photography, dance, cooking, and outdoor rec.

I type in GOOGLE (because I have no friends to recommend places) these keywords to see what's in my area that fit my interest.

I get RESULTS back but either the prices are extreme (especially if I end up hating that hobby) or I doubt if I'd meet anybody in my age group.

I don't search "what are my interests" in Google and randomly pick something.

What people don't understand...it's very HARD to build a social network without having one. How many times do you learn about new places or events through your FRIENDS? What happens if you don't have any friends? You won't know what's happening in your city.

 

[Kal0051]

What happens if you don't have any friends? You won't know what's happening in your city.[/QUOTE]

how would your friends know what's happening the your city? You don't gain some magical ability to know what you like and what's going on once you make some friends. People look stuff up. The Internet is great for finding events. That's what I used to do. Then started meeting event promoters and know I get a facebook invite anytime there's something fun going on. I probably get 3-4 invites every wknd. But my point is you got to start somewhere. And you got to be willing to try stuff.

 

[Schwank]

For the LAST time...I do have INTERESTS. I'd like to learn painting, photography, dance, cooking, and outdoor rec.

I type in GOOGLE (because I have no friends to recommend places) these keywords to see what's in my area that fit my interest.

I get RESULTS back but either the prices are extreme (especially if I end up hating that hobby) or I doubt if I'd meet anybody in my age group.

I don't search "what are my interests" in Google and randomly pick something.

What people don't understand...it's very HARD to build a social network without having one. How many times do you learn about new places or events through your FRIENDS? What happens if you don't have any friends? You won't know what's happening in your city.

All I hear is scepticism and excuses in your posts. Me and a bunch of others in this thread have given you tips to improve your situation. You say you don't want to spend money for something that MAY turn out to be a flop? C'mon man, that's just making an excuse to validate why you shouldn't do such and such. Most clubs are relatively cheap; you're not going to be joining a millionaire-exclusive yacht club, are you? The interests you have listed can all be joined for minimal rates. You also say that there may not be anybody in your age group. Perhaps that may be the case, but more than likely there are others who are like you, similar to your age. And you know what, so what if there's nobody else in your age-range. If you're doing something you truly enjoy, it WON'T be a waste of time. Also, talk with others with whom you wouldn't normally associate. It may turn out that, despite the differences, you will form friendships. You will enter their "circle". And once you do you can meet OTHERS from that circle. It's called networking; it's expanding on what you already have.

So you can either sit at home and browse the Net all day or you can put your a** into gear and start instituting change!

 

[Isko]

Man I understand that it's hard to build a social network without having one. I've always had a couple of close friends, and I met a lot of people through them, as I was always shy. When I went to middle school, I knew no one. I made nerd friends through nerd hobbies, but still ate lunch alone, played gameboy, etc a lot of the time. It was no fun being fat and feeling like a dorky outsider. I have the feeling that I was made fun of a lot, and bullied a little (verbally, not really physically.) But looking back, I can't remember many instances.

One thing I've learned is you need to have a thick skin. That's what confidence is. People joke, and say mean things to one another, rude things. But they love you underneath it all. "Mean" and "rude" are in the interpretation. I used to take so many things as personal attacks, or as evidence that people didn't like me. Now I realize that people weren't trying to be mean. They were joking, poking my brain, trying to get to know me. There's no malicious intent behind nearly anything that people ever do. I'm sure that a lot of bullies only beat up on nerdy kids because they want the nerdy kids to learn to stand up for themselves. That's a form of love, and I'm sure many nerdy kids DO learn valuable lessons from being bullied.

When I went to high school, I felt totally nerdy, as a chubby gamer next to a bunch of partying druggies and cool kids. I persevered despite being at the bottom of the social ladder. I remember walking around, sure that no one wanted to hang out or talk to me. There were people who talked to me, but they found me strange. Now I realize that I was just very standoffish and unconfident. I was rejecting myself before others did. There were other kids who were more funny-looking than me, dumber than me, who said stupid things all the time, etc. But they were cool, because they went and hung out with the people they liked, no matter what. (Of course, everyone has some self-confidence problems, so don't feel like the only one.) People don't care what you're like. They just want to know that you like being around them. The more you enjoy their company, no matter how dorky you act, the more they'll enjoy having you around. If you think they hate/pity you and are making fun of you, then of course you won't be able to enjoy their company.

Think about it. Cool people wear attention-getting clothes so that people will come and talk to them. They stand up straight, so as to be noticed. They smile at people because they're glad to see them. They come right up and ask about them, because they're curious. They LIKE people. That's all that goes into making a cool person. They like being around you. Of course, less cool people like others too, but they're so paralyzed by the feeling that the other person doesn't like THEM that they don't even try to enjoy the person's company. They feel like they're imposing, when really, everyone wants to be around someone who likes them.

You don't have to be interesting or cool or good looking or ANYTHING like that. ALL you have to do is find someone you think looks cool, go talk to them, and get to know them.

Cool people often say mean things to one another for fun. It's sort of like a test to see if the other person understands that you love them no matter what. Imagine girls saying things like "hey b i t c h" to one another, or a dude saying "get the f u c k out of my house, pole smoker" to his friend when he walks in. Their friend knows that it's only a joke, so he'll just s h i t-talk right back. It's just a joke to act like you hate someone when you really love them. It only works when the person you do it to KNOWS that it's a joke, though. If you've ever been confused by someone being friendly to you and yet making fun of you, rest assured that they really liked you and were trying to bring you out of your shell. They were making fun of you as a way to exaggerate what they could tell you were thinking--that they didn't like you--with the hope that you'd realize that they DID like you.

Anyway, I started getting into drugs, drinking, and playing music after that, and came out of my shell with that as a socialization lubricant as well as a reason to socialize. But then everyone moved away and I had to make friends again. I tried calling up old acquaintances- people I thought were cool, but never thought specifically liked me- and asking if they wanted to hang out, purely because I liked THEM. And it worked; we became best friends. Like I said, all that matters is that you like them, and you show it. It's the same with girls.

Also, watch how you use things like sarcasm, or offensive, dry, intellectual humor. That stuff is great when people know what you're talking about, but it will confuse people at first. Until you get to know somebody, it works best to keep it simple: Positive, happy, smiley, friendly, and interested. Avoid humor that takes its appeal from misrepresenting yourself, because it will just confuse people who don't already know you.