"I thought you were different"

[IBreatheSpears]

I had a first date last night with a cute girl from tinder. She turned out to be interesting and smart, too, no red flags that I noticed. Conversation flowed easily and we lay together in a park in central London, holding hands. It was very nice. Remembering my ABCs (Always Be Closing) I made my move - a hand on her thigh, which would slowly move up the leg, building tension. As soon as I reached my target, though, she pushed my hand away. "Fine", I thought; I was prepared for that. I gave it a couple of minutes and tried again but with the same response. "Just stop", she said. I thought "Fine", but didn't speak. We kissed and I perhaps crossed a line in trying to rub her nipple through her shirt. She seemed angry but I wasn't flustered, I just accepted the situation, lay back for a couple of minutes and finally said "Let's walk somewhere" with the intention of moving on. As we were walking, she said something about how she thought I was (more) intelligent, and that she thought I was "different". I responded dismissively and she stormed off. I waited a couple of seconds and left.

I would like to see her again. I thought we were a good match. Perhaps I made a misstep and perhaps she overreacted but I don't think a bad end to an otherwise good date should be our last impressions of one another. I am not sure what to do. I am a stubborn man and I don't want to apologise for being attracted to someone and trying to act on that attraction, but I can see that I may have been overly pushy so perhaps I should apologise. I don't want to give in easily and make her lose any respect for me, but I also don't want this to be the end.

What should I do?

 

[No.Danny]

You obviously should have tried again. It wasn't obvious the first THREE TIMES :crackup:

 

[mangotot]

I thought everyone including women knew tinder is for a no strings attached fling.

 

[hudpes]

Remembering my ABCs (Always Be Closing) I made my move ....... I was prepared for that

What should I do?

What you should do is be in the moment and stay in flow. Your ABCs should be deep in the background. You have to adjust the tempo of your moves to the tempo of the women's reactions. You made the right moves, but they did not resonate with her at that time - you were too fast.

But it makes me wonder - she said she thought you were intelligent? That doesn't really imply you were moving too fast, maybe you just sounded dumb to her :rock:

 

[Thundernuts]

hmmm...thought she was a smart, charismatic, goal driven woman, possible relationship material. So tell me why did you decide to treat her like a pump'n'dump?

 

[MOTU]

OP, I wouldn't apologize. If you feel you need to address it in some way you, when you ask her out again say something like "hey I want to go to cool place on Tuesday and I want you to come with me. I promise to be on my best behavior Are you free?"

That being said, as the others have mentioned, escalating is good when she is enjoying herself too, but if the desire is one sided it comes off as aggressive.

I am guessing she'll turn you down on your date offer, or if she goes it'll be more of the same.

 

[IBreatheSpears]

I thought everyone including women knew tinder is for a no strings attached fling.

It doesn't seem to be the case with most of the girls I speak to on there. Perhaps I just don't give off the vibe of someone who wants one night stands (which is fine, because I don't).

What you should do is be in the moment and stay in flow. Your ABCs should be deep in the background. You have to adjust the tempo of your moves to the tempo of the women's reactions. You made the right moves, but they did not resonate with her at that time - you were too fast.

I was in the moment; I would say I was carried away by it. I was far less cerebral than usual, which was good up until that point. Also I have never had a first date that didn't end in sex before, except once when I decided I didn't want it. Now may be a good time to mention that I had about 200 ml of vodka on an empty stomach. I didn't mention it before because I didn't want to give the impression that I was excusing myself for it.

But it makes me wonder - she said she thought you were intelligent? That doesn't really imply you were moving too fast, maybe you just sounded dumb to her

She meant "more intelligent". Probably she was referring to social intelligence - we talked about body language and I said I am quite in-tune with it and I notice things others don't (for example the way she was fluttering her eyelids, suggesting attraction - though I didn't mention it) - so I suppose she was saying that I should have read the signs. She let me put my hand on her thigh, let me move it up slowly, so I assumed she was happy for me to escalate. It was dark so I couldn't see her facial expression and she wasn't tensing up or making any sounds.

hmmm...thought she was a smart, charismatic, goal driven woman, possible relationship material. So tell me why did you decide to treat her like a pump'n'dump?

Inexperience, I suppose, because I had no intention of doing that. But now I realise that she probably thinks I was just trying to pump-and-dump her and if I don't text her, she will take it as confirmation.

OP, I wouldn't apologize. If you feel you need to address it in some way you, when you ask her out again say something like "hey I want to go to cool place on Tuesday and I want you to come with me. I promise to be on my best behavior Are you free?"

That sounds good but in light of the above (being too cool will confirm, in her mind, that I was just looking for a ONS) I'll apologise without saying sorry or supplicating to her. I'll tell her I understand why she was upset and that I didn't want the night to end that way. I like the "best behaviour" part.

I am guessing she'll turn you down on your date offer, or if she goes it'll be more of the same.

Lets say she does go. How should I act? I don't want it to be awkward with no touching. I'm thinking I should escalate very slowly, and not try to push past kissing until the third or fourth date.

In the mean time, I'm going to spin some other plates. I like this girl but there's a cute Polish girl on my tinder I wanted to date. I will remember what I learned last night and today.

 

[mangotot]

Isn't tinder for people looking to hookup for something short term rather then stretching it out?

 

[SeymourCake]

Why did you molest her on the FIRST date? This isn't kino and you crossed the line..

She may have not displayed red flags, but you obviously did.

 

[christoff522]

Perhaps the thought of being fVcked in a park in central london with a guy she just met wasnt turning her on very much.

 

[IBreatheSpears]

Isn't tinder for people looking to hookup for something short term rather then stretching it out?

That's what I thought, but the more I used it, the more I got the impression that most of the girls on there want relationships. It may just be the kind of girls I attract and am attracted to.

Why did you molest her on the FIRST date? This isn't kino and you crossed the line..

She may have not displayed red flags, but you obviously did.

You're right. As for why I made a move on the first date, things were going well and I am used to having sex on the first date, though usually I am less pushy and take things more slowly. I should have paid more attention this time, and not tried to move so quickly. I tried more than once because people in this community often say that girls expect you to make more than one move, not give up after the first "no" (which wasn't verbal, she just pushed my hand away). And that has been true in my past experience.

I sent her the following:

I want to apologise for last night. I didn't mean to be pushy. I'd like to see you again, I'll be on my best behaviour

I think she'll probably say she accepts my apology, but refuse to see me again, and that's fine.

 

[Evan]

You should have waited and and showed it didn't bother you that you she rejected your advance. Made it into a non issue by continuing having fun. What you did showed desperation and was needy for sex. I like to escalate by getting close and letting the tension grow. Eye contact and mutual touching. Holding hands was perfect. What you did after broke the tension. You want the natural attraction to grow by itself not by you forcing it. Because then it's like putting a square into a circle. It just doesn't fit.

 

[IBreatheSpears]

You should have waited and and showed it didn't bother you that you she rejected your advance.

I did wait a few minutes. Perhaps I should have waited longer but we were just lying there and we kissed after the first attempt (or maybe the second, I can't remember exactly). A few minutes after the third time I said "Let's walk somewhere" so I could decide what to do while we walked. She seemed to be calm so I thought she wasn't upset, but after a few metres she brought it up again. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was detached and dismissive, something like "I don't think I did anything wrong". Then she turned on her heel and walked away. I waited for a few seconds to see if she would turn around to look or come back, and when she didn't, I left - I wasn't going to follow her like a lost puppy.

What you did showed desperation and was needy for sex.

I wasn't desperate but I understand that I gave the impression I was. I wasn't acting on impulse, it was planned, just not very well. I have very poor judgement and perhaps low social intelligence; once my French friend got mad at me because I tried to translate "hot bi­tch" into French as a joke/pet name, but apparently "chienne" in French much more insulting than bi­tch in English - in my circle it's pretty common to call each other bi­tch and it's not offensive. I apologised, though, and we went out a few more times and we're on good terms.

I like to escalate by getting close and letting the tension grow. Eye contact and mutual touching. Holding hands was perfect. What you did after broke the tension. You want the natural attraction to grow by itself not by you forcing it. Because then it's like putting a square into a circle. It just doesn't fit.

You're right, I know I went too quickly. I should have gone for the kiss first and stopped after the first time she pushed my hand away. It was stupid. Oh well, lesson learned.

 

[Evan]

I know you weren't desperate or needy but it communicates that. So much of this is how your communicating with your body and your actions. I wouldn't have apologized but since you already have go NC and she will likely reach out to you again at some point. If not it really turned her off and you can let her go. It's a good thing to go through these though because then you learn from it.

 

[IBreatheSpears]

I know you weren't desperate or needy but it communicates that. So much of this is how your communicating with your body and your actions. I wouldn't have apologized but since you already have go NC and she will likely reach out to you again at some point. If not it really turned her off and you can let her go. It's a good thing to go through these though because then you learn from it.

Thank you for your advice. I won't contact her again unless she contacts me first.

 

[Museite]

Way too full on for a first thing unless she was giving you the come-on but abruptly changed her mind.

Location is everything too. London's parks just aren't geared up for that stuff unless you're in an isolated spot.

Never mind, bro.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

This is why I encourage guys to wait until SHE starts doing kino on YOU before you start trying to touch her. That also goes for advanced moves, especially on a first date. Reality check #1: Just because things are going great on a first date doesn't mean the girl is ready to jump into bed with you right away. Reality check #2: All the girls you had first date sex with, you're not currently with. Sooooooo... what that means is, if you're looking to get into an actual relationship with someone, the odds of it working out that way when sleeping with them too early on is NOT in your favor. Taking time to actually get to know her BEFORE hooking up with her will make her FEEL like you want her for more than sex, which will usually result in her being more comfortable with you and having HER suggest sex a lot faster.

 

[IBreatheSpears]

Way too full on for a first thing unless she was giving you the come-on but abruptly changed her mind.

Location is everything too. London's parks just aren't geared up for that stuff unless you're in an isolated spot.

Never mind, bro.

It was isolated and it was night-time. I think it was St. James' park. It was certainly north of the Thames and in Westminster. Very serene at 1 am.

This is why I encourage guys to wait until SHE starts doing kino on YOU before you start trying to touch her

She leaned her head against me and I took her hand. But this is good advice, thank you.

Just because things are going great on a first date doesn't mean the girl is ready to jump into bed with you right away ... All the girls you had first date sex with, you're not currently with

Fair points. It was stupid of me. For future reference, if I want a relationship (although I don't want years-long ones, only a few months) around how many dates would you suggest before I try to move beyond kissing?

In future I will try not to rush.

if you're looking to get into an actual relationship with someone, the odds of it working out that way when sleeping with them too early on is NOT in your favor. Taking time to actually get to know her BEFORE hooking up with her will make her FEEL like you want her for more than sex, which will usually result in her being more comfortable with you and having HER suggest sex a lot faster.

Thank you for the advice. You are always very helpful.

Edit:

Missed this one:

Perhaps the thought of being fVcked in a park in central london with a guy she just met wasnt turning her on very much.

This was after four hours so we hadn't "just met" though I appreciate it's not that long.

Sex amongst nature sounds idyllic to me. She would probably like it if it hadn't gone for it too early.

 

[Beetlesales]

Jeez, tried to fuk on the first date? GJDM for trying.

However, if she said no the first time, and the second, you should have literally just stopped and continued on like nothing even happened. No nipple touching, no groping, etc.

Then NEXT her.

 

[IBreatheSpears]

Jeez, tried to fuk on the first date? GJDM for trying.

I thought that was normal. I've only once had a first date without sex and that was because I didn't want to have sex with her (well, she might not have gone for it, Idk).